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Tell me what to do....
November 19, 2007
7:45 pm
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free
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some of you know my long history with my ex husband. Some don't. If I go to court, the judge won't.

Here's the situation.

My ex took a voluntary layoff last oh, February. He filed for lowered child support. For the past year visitation was at the kids discretion. child support is based on income and visitation time. My ex admitted to 1% visitation. I said 3, support services used 3. Ex got all heated up in court, wanted 28% used, judge said no, and ex got hearing post-poned until he could file for forced visitation, and he did file. Kids were appointed an attorney.

So yeah, it sounds like ex filed for forced visitation because he just doesn't want me to have his money.

The kids attorney talked to ex and the kids. I haven't talked to the kids attorney. Not really interested. I think he should represent the kids. and, it doesn't matter what I say- my ex is an N, and whatever I say will just get turned around. That aside.

Ex doesn't try to have contact with the kids much, especially our son. He doesn't send him anything in the mail, etc.

Well I got the recommendation from the kids attorney. Kids attorney says don't change things with the girls- they are too old and hopefully time will heal the rift. He adds that my ex husband acknowledges this. Attorney states that our son misses his father but is reluctant to speak up with his sisters there. Attorney recommends every other weekend and possibly dinner one night per week.

I'm totally torn. I don't know what to do.

My son is adamantly opposed to going to his dad's. he hasn't seen him in a year. Is it because of me? Maybe, some. I try not to badmouth their dad, but we do in this house. The truth about him and his actions aren't pretty. Is it because of his dad? Maybe, some.

My ex has told the girls he has cirrhosis of the liver. he's an alcoholic, has been for 40 years or so, so that makes sense. Probably why he took a voluntary layoff from work- he probably can't work anymore. Girls say he doesn't drink at all- just water. 3 marriages didn't get him to stop drinking. So, maybe he's had a wakeup call.

Oldest daughter says he's different- when she goes over there he just wants to be a part of her life. Wash her car, talk to the boyfriend. But, still wants to know about ME. He's married. In short, and I've always believed this, my ex loves his kids, but he hates me more. so when the opportunity to use the kids as a weapon against me arises, he can't refuse.

Now, my son. He is adamantly opposed to going with his dad. last time he was there, dad got all pissed off and swore and yelled and sent him out to the curb for his sister to pick him up. That's his last memory of his dad.

A year ago.

Why am I torn? Because kids - I dunno, I think my son needs a relationship with his dad.

I just don't know how to make that happen.

do I fight my ex husband in court, or do I agree to a scheduled (forced) visitation?

free

November 19, 2007
10:01 pm
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readyforachange
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(((free))) I feel for you, honey. My two kids, 17 and 14, are supposed to spend time with their dad, according to the parenting plan. BUT...my daughter sees him about 4 hours per week, and never spends the night there. My son stops by when he feels like it, which is about once a week or less. I learned to stay out of it.

I guess my question for you would be: is a court order really going to change things? If your son doesn't want contact with his dad right now, there's not much you or a judge can do to make it happen. If the court is forcing his dad to see him, it doesn't mean much to the kid. They know that their dad is just seeing them because a judge told him too. It's a no win siutaiton.

SO...the best thing you can do is encourage them to do what they are comfortable with, never badmouth their dad (it's hard, I know, and I've done it in weak moments), and just let them know how much you love them and will be there for them.

How old are your kids?

I would really weigh the pros and cons here. It's not an easy decision.

Hang in there...

November 19, 2007
10:07 pm
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Codi202
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I can only offer (((hugs)))I am a dummy in this area.

*suppor and (((hugs)))

November 19, 2007
10:07 pm
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Codi202
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I can only offer (((hugs)))I am a dummy in this area.

*suppor and (((hugs)))

November 19, 2007
10:56 pm
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Thanks for the hugs codi, I appreciate it, really do.

Ready, I've two girls, 17 and 15. They're attorney isn't recommending they be ordered to go. He states that only time can heal the rift between the girls and their father and hopes it will. he adds that my ex husband acknowledges this fact.

The kids' attorney is recommending our son go. he just turned 12. he's adamantly opposed because of things that have happened- over a year ago. It's been a year since our son spent time with his dad.

I talked to my atttorney about this. She says he's really too young to make this decision and that she doesn't have anything CURRENT to go to court with.

I talked to one of my daughters and she says that court orders and judges make her feel like a rag doll. Like she's just thrown back and forth. So.

This is what I'm thinking.

Put off court for a couple months. Let my husband and see if we can handle things. We'll get my son to go every other weekend and maybe for dinner once during the week. At first we'll send him for a day, then a weekend night and day, then the weekend. Friday through Sunday, coming home Sunday. I don't want him over there on a school night.

right now my ex husband and I don't talk. There's a restraining order. But he can communicate with me regarding visitation. We just don't. I want to give him my e-mail and establish e-mail communication regarding our son.

We'll see if we can make this happen without a judge's interference, and consequently keep our son from feeling like a rag doll.

What do you think?

free

November 20, 2007
1:27 am
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ya know....

I asked for opinions here kuz I value the insight of people here.

I could really use some support right now. I just don't know what to do and I'm really sad at the lack of responses.

If ya have a spare moment....

I'd appreciate it.

free

November 20, 2007
1:54 am
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fantas
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free,
I'm so sorry for what you and your kids are going through. I think it's great that you talked to your daughter to see how this looks from the perspective of the child.

I think it would be great if your son and his dad can work out their relationship. He is too young to make the decision never to see him again. However, if your husband is abusive to him, you can request supervised visitation by a third party.

Hang in there! Let your children know just how much you love them.

November 20, 2007
1:57 am
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Randomwomen2
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((Free)) I am so sorry that your in this situation. I really dont have words of advice for you sweetheart. I would listen to the kids and what they want then listen to your heart sweetheart. You know the answer even if its difficult.

November 20, 2007
2:34 am
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Thank you fantas and randomwomen2.

I think I need to agree to an order stating our son goes. And if things get bad, he can always just- leave and walk home or call one of us, and then we can talk to my attorney and let her handle it.

My ex husband isn't the best dad, but he's not the worst either. My son needs his dad. I can't teach him how to be a man. and my current husband just isn't stepping up to the plate.

free

November 20, 2007
3:05 am
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mamacinnamon
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HI FREE:

Posted on the other side.

November 20, 2007
4:08 pm
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armyleo
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(((free)))

November 20, 2007
11:18 pm
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red blonde
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Also posted on libs side.

(((((free)))))

November 20, 2007
11:55 pm
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MsGuided
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free

If your son has heard all the negative stuff you need to difuse it somehow and tell him it is totally up to him if he wants to see him. That your relationship with dad has nothing to do with his.
Son may regret not giving this a chance when he gets older.

I had similar issues with my X and it was hard to reinstate visitation, but my son was a baby when dad got cut off due to abusive behaviour and instability, but it ended up working out. This isn't about me though ( i'm just saying i've been there somewhat)

If you're X is going through a health scare he probably has realized some of his bad behaviour and wants to be more positive.
This is an important lesson to your kids. About facing their fears and pain. about forgiveness and support. about perseverence .For your son it may be healing IF the x has changed and apologizes for their last time together.
If your son had a chance to communicate how that curb incident made him feel, and dad is sorry it will be a worthy experience.

It could be positive for the kids in that it will give answers and show them to communicate and be open, even if dad is a jerk, they can at leasat move from a place where they made an honest effort.

Also nothing stops you from requesting guidelines to these visits. Like if there is any indication of alcohol abuse or neglect towards the kids.

Boys identify with their fathers so much wether they are around or not. Your son is at an age where he can soon make his own decisions and experience a process.
Opening up communication via email, about visitation is a good idea. If things go sour you can block and go back to the courts.
Just realize you have to be strong , try to put the anger aside and try and be matter of fact.

Bottom line is fathers have rights and they deserve to be a part of their kids lives ( if they are basically moral of course) all you can do is take a deep breath, and see what happens.
your son is also at an age where he can respond better to where his dad is now.

Trying to strengthen the kids relationship with dad is better than not doing anything. Just make sure you get truthfull info on his behaviour so you can moniter things and react accordingly.
Hope this helps a bit, I haven't walked in your shoes so...good luck!

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