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Teetering on the brink...
March 3, 2004
7:38 pm
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Liverpool Lou
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Just happened along - mysterious ways and all that - HELP. Told my fella to go early Jan. felt quite positive at the time then fell to pieces. Can't decide if it's me or not. Decision keeps swinging both ways, unable to get any perspective. Self esteem zero, outlook - pretty grim. Treated him pretty badly and myself worse. He's been in touch says wants to understand if I just let him in. Compassion makes me want to listen - fear tells me to leave well alone then tells me to at least open the door a crack but I don't think I'm strong enough not to pull it open wide again and risk being completely destroyed. I don't know if he's done this to me or I've done it to myself. Very confused and depressed.
any input appreciated!!!

March 3, 2004
9:30 pm
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pc girl
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liverpool lou...Have been back & forth so many times myself...& still no where. Well, I shouldn't say that - getting worse- depressed, NO faith in any of my choices or Non-choices. My decision to not decide...feel no self respect - want respect from others but how can they? Feel like a hypocrite. Feel awful & know (from reading here & in my heart) that I'm the one who holds the key - to my own happiness & freedom from this misery. But I don't know how to use it. Will I ever? Or will I be stuck here forever?
For you could it be desiring what you know? You "know" how it is with him - familiar even if not good? I go for the comfort now, ya know? I've read that co dependents will often stick to the familiar (we've already learned how to deal w/ certain situations - so why throw ourselves into ones we don't know about?). The "dysfunction" or whatever the problem is, is what we know - so thats what we look for. And when it's gone, we are fish out of water...& we want it back. Even if not happy, we learned the messed up skills to cope... Not sure on this therory...kinda tryin to put it together myself. I have no idea what is "right" for myself - for my life. Want to know NOW...been goin' back & forth (as you say you are) for so long.... Wish I had answers for ya, but maybe somehow this will help...

March 4, 2004
6:22 am
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Liverpool Lou
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pc girl. Thanks for the reply, it makes me feel better to know someone else is suffering - how twisted is that - it's amazing how much power and self esteem we can feel by proxy just can't seem to apply it to myself. I don't know how much is yearning for the comfort of the familiar or if I do really love him I start off loving without reservation - all or nothing - and am constantly surprised when I don't get it back!! Is it because I expect too much or am I attracted to people who CANT be there for me? Will I miss a real opportunity or is it just another bag of shit? I could write volumes on what's happened but when i sit down to do it my mind just goes blank. Maybe he does really love me I just can't afford to believe it but then I can't afford not to either. Can't live like this much longer. Will it lead to a rock bottom when i'll act or will it lead to my eventual doom. Don't really know anything anymore. I really hope you can find some peace
Still confused and depressed.

March 4, 2004
8:52 pm
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pc girl
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Well, I am just always surprise when I get on here to see my own thoughts, feelings, questions reflected in posts of others!!!! I've been waitin' for that "rock bottom" for quite a while myself...maybe I did hit it & that's why I'm here now. Finally trying to DO something for myself, about my life (that admittedly I created at least 50% of circumstances). But, darn it, now it (the changes) can't happen fast enough! Funny how we suffer for years, then, the light comes on & we think "ok - NOW"!
Anyway - I always thought that's what "true love" was...All or Nothing. That's how I am. Why wouldn't you be willing to give anything, do anything, any time, at any cost for the person you love? And when I didn't get that in return...well, I think there's something wrong w/ me - not good enough - why is this man not so completely & utterly devoted to me when I am to him? Geez...am only now starting to see that these attitudes maybe aren't 100% healthy. How do you change thinking so ingrained? It's like going 30+ years thinking you are looking at a BLUE sky, then someone comes along & says - "Hey by the way, that color in the sky is ORANGE"...What???? Like startin over!
****One question I do have for anyone out there that is related to liverpool lou's ? - Do we expect too much or are we choosing the "wrong" people? Are my needs/wants unrealistic or are they normal & just aren't being met by this person? Don't we need to know how to find that out so we can act appropriately for the better good of ourselves?****
No need for "volumes" of detail...just know that for me, just starting this process, I don't have many answers,either - but I can relate & DO so much!! And also, from what I can tell, there are some WISE experienced folks on here that have awesome input that maybe we can gain strength from! I just keep on trying to gain info...going online, printing out all sorts of stuff on co dependency & even reading Alnon literature. Hope your day improved...even if just for a few moments, ya know?? Take care

March 4, 2004
10:33 pm
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Liverpool Lou
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pcgirl, thanks for input fella stayed last night we talked cant work out if he's calculating bastard or very frightened and making genuine effort. daren't trust and risk destruction asked him to leave(very hard to do) now feel like bag of shit sick of playing power games totally stressed out making me ill, trying not to hurt others is killing ME, very tired writing disjointed as is my head off to bed shortly be in touch tomorrow thanks for thoughts, peace and love!!

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