Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
teetering on the brink of a breakthrough or about to lose my mind!
January 30, 2007
10:52 am
Avatar
balancesekr
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I have been struggling internally majorly lately. The good thing is I have been attending meetings regularly, I have communicated to my boyfriend that I am struggling with our relationship and I am working through some issues.

He doesn't know the extent of my troubled mind, but he has some idea. So I can't kill myself with guilt and make myself feel bad which seems to be what I like doing.

I have realized how bad I make myself feel, it is awful. I also realize how much I just don't live in the present time. I have been making a concerted effort to be right here, right now.

My mind though falls into catastrophizing about my life, my future with my boyfriend, all these troubled scary thoughts. I have known this and I have wondered about taking time away from him and working some things out, although I am trying to stay and work it out because me breaking away creates drama again and I don't know if that will fix anything.

My Biggest fear I noticed, is "what if I convince ny boyfriend he doesn't want to be with me, we are bad together" I feel I would be destroyed, devastated.

This my seem really confusing to you reading, but I am just paying attention to and acknowledging the fears and thoughts that are coming up so I can fix them.

I can't believe how much I hurt myself and how my insides feel anymore, no one should live this way, it is terrible.

January 30, 2007
11:26 am
Avatar
revelation
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

balance....you are not alone. Just know that...and it sounds to me more like you are on the verge of a breakthrough...there is a lot of thinking going on there...just keep checking yourself, take care of yourself and your health...this is a stressful time, do the most you can to look after yourself while you are grappling with this...and keep going to those meetings!

Rev.

January 30, 2007
11:55 am
Avatar
balancesekr
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hi rev!
I appreciate your words. Thank you ๐Ÿ™‚
I am trying so hard, and it is painful to see how much I hurt myself and struggle. I want to know I love my boyfriend, I want to feel strong and not be scared, I want to be sure for once!

I will keep going to meetings, I am going tonight.
b

January 30, 2007
5:37 pm
Avatar
truthBtold
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

balance,

What an honest thread.

I can really relate to what you said about how you are becoming aware of how bad you make yourself feel. Gosh, I am going through the same thing.

You tend to catastrophizing your life like I do as well.....probably because - at one certain point in our early lives....hell, life WAS a Catastrophy!!!!!!

It sucks!!!!!

But - I feel that in the long run.....just becoming AWARE of this is a HUGE step in the right direction....though it certainly feels far from that right now.

I am reading the book "Growing Yourself Back Up" right now - and - though it is helping more than any other type of therapy I have gone to....I realize that I have to pace myself.

The main gist of the book is to realize how much ALL of us regress to earlier dynamics/incorrect conclusions we AUTOMATICALLY made about ourselves from our past.

Having used depersonalization as a form of coping my entire life....I am now allowing myself to get to the root cause of some of my thinking. (Something that I have avoided like the plague in the past.)

What I am finding, for example...(Gosh - this is getting hard to write) is that - while I am frustrated by the fact that I have lived in a run-down dumpy trailer park my entire adult life and hate it and get really depressed about it....on some level - it is becuase I feel this is where I belong....this is what I deserve....until just yesterday.

I allowed myself to connect the emotional dots of regression....and somewhere along the line I surmised that I wasn't part of the "in crowd" in high school and must have somehow came to the (now incorrect)conclusion that I just wasn't as good as they were. I am sure that this feeling has deeper roots associated with my parents....but this is the first layer that is unfolding for me.

I think that the most interesting thing to me is to realize just HOW MANY TIMES all of us AUTOMATICALLY regress. This morning I was thinking that it is probably dozens...or maybe hundreds of times....every single day!!!! DAMN and WHEW!!!!! And we are not even aware of it.

I like the author of this book because instead of just being "preachy" and giving examples of his clients, he exposes his own mis-conceptions and assumptions he has made along the way. It is rare to find an author who will do this and has made all the difference in the world to me.

Am I making sense or just rambling?

To address your opening post - no, I do not think that you are about to lose your mind....perhaps RE-GAINING it for the first time.....you know?

January 31, 2007
9:18 am
Avatar
balancesekr
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hi truthBtold,

I feel honered to get a post from you. I see your posts all the time and appreciate your honesty so much and wonder about my own... so I must really be being honest for you to think so! Which is awesome, I feel I am on the right track.

I totally get what you are saying. About what you feel you deserve and how you have to rebuild your mind. This stuff is so deep and complex, and difficult to talk about with just anyone! If I told my friends about this they would think I was off my rocker!

"connect the emotional dots of regression" that is poetry right there. You talking about highschool and not fitting in, rings a bell for me, I just had a dream last night about that exact topic and it is a recurring dream for me. There I was at some kind of highschool event with all the popular kids all together and me by myself.

I still am struggling with what to do about my relationship. He has his own problems right now, he has some tough choices to make, careerwise, his best friend moved away, and I am older than him so he feels pressure to succeed sooner so we can get married....

And here I am, not knowing how much to tell him, if I need to walk away, if I should stay, this is part of being close with someone and maybe I am just wanted to walk away first cause I think he will walk away, I feel I am not enough, or do I think he is not enough!! OMG, this is so tiring.

I remember my old therapist used to say, Codependents biggest struggle is feelings of entitlement, we go back and forth with it!

Feel free to post back to me, I am defintely gonna check out that book, I think there is a thread going about reading and discussing it, so that will be very cool to do.
balance

January 31, 2007
11:10 am
Avatar
gracenotes
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

balancesekr,

I can really really identify with what you are saying, as well as truth's comments. Hang in there. I think this is just a tough place, but it won't last forever. I realy think you are on the verge of a breakthrough.

I just feel kind of confused today, like I cannot go back to where I was emotionally, but it is kind of scarey moving forward. I will move forward, but I feel like I am doing this all with a sense of confusion.

And, right, its the co-dependent thing: am I entitled? Yes, well no, well maybe, well yes, I'm not sure. My thoughts are hovering all around this, back and forth, but, no, past patterns are just not going to work anymore.

Also, a lot of my growing has to do with letting go of people and situations that are just so inappropriate for me right now and probably from now on, and I have not quite filled myself with new people and situations that are better. New friendships take time to grow and I cannot burden a new friend with all of this stuff.

I just cannot image ever having contact with ex-n. Today it makes me angry inside that I was so conned and duped by this person and bought into n's idea of my worthlessness. I thought I didn't. I always fought it, but I really on a deeper level.

I just cannot be around my former best friend because she is so steeped in her co-dependency, it is so hard to see this. It bothers me and being around this friend brings out the worst in me because I see how she is ruining her life. Its just really tough. I am reaching out to others, I am involved in new situations at school and in developing my creative career. All this is good. But doubt comes up. I am trying to focus on the positives, get lots of rest, exercise, eat well too, and now I am going to go have some quiet meditative time to get myself contered before the day really starts. Its just really a confusing time for me and I am trying to calm my mind down and get some more clarity with myself.

January 31, 2007
2:12 pm
Avatar
balancesekr
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I am starting to feel extremely depressed. The thought of breaking it off with my boyfriend is making me so sad. But I can't seem to feel comfortable in the relationship either. I am running out of places to hide, I am having difficutly concentrating at work and it is completely affecting me.

I need some ideas what to do.

gracenotes, I hear you on the confusion and trying to move forward, it is so difficult to do. I am making myself sick over here, I just don't know what to do anymore and feel really terrible.

January 31, 2007
7:28 pm
Avatar
gracenotes
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

balance,

I am sorry you are having such a tought time. I think these feelings of depression have something to do with a part of us knowing we need to move on and another part of us resisting the changes. Its kind of a stuck place to be inside. I heard someone talk about that once and it made sense to me. I think one just needs to give in to the sadness and get it out, express it. Sometimes I just have to cry. I have had a lot of beginnings, but also a lot of losses recently, including my beloved kittie that I did not mention before. Crying is healthy, it helps one in so many ways.

I think you know what you want to do, but the sadness and fears are just making it difficult, so it helps to find a way to express them. Sometimes it also helps to just make a decision and stick with that decision.

I hope this helps, and these are some things I need to do too.

Take care!

February 1, 2007
9:28 am
Avatar
balancesekr
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hi gracenotes,
I am still working through what I want to do. I am asking myself some questions about the relationship. I find myself thinking... he is younger, he is not sure what he wants, how does he know he really wants to be with me.

Then I wonder if my I am the one projecting of this, maybe these are my feelings about the situation.

All I know is last night we had a great time, but today I wake up still feeling unsure, so I am trying to get to the bottom of this.

Most of the confusion and fear comes in when I think about the future, I picture him successful and meeting lots of ladies and looking at me thinking... why did I marry her, I should have waited till I figured out my life more.

I get so scared about the person I am with cheating/not being stoked about being with me, etc... Again, maybe I am projecting.

I think, gee there shouldnt be so many questions and doubt, but how couldn't there be, especially because of my background, I would be probably questioning no matter who I was with cause I obviously have some issues to work out.

Which leads me right back to gee, I need a break, maybe we need some time apart to know we really want to be together, but then I think, if it aint workin it aint working, the fact that we need a break is a sign that it just dont work.

I have thought about communicating this to him, explaining that I just feel we need to both develop more and then see what happens...

Cause I sit here thinking, I want him to be crazy about me, I dont want to be just sitting here waiting for the time to be right, it should be right and if not move on.

So hard!

February 1, 2007
4:35 pm
Avatar
gracenotes
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

balance,

Wow, your mind is just really thinking through all the options. How does one know what decisions is the best one? I guess from how it feels, does it feel right on a gut level, but sometimes it is all about just making some choices and sticking with them.

I was curious. Is this already a long-term relationship? The way you have talked about this, you are planning marriage and a life together. Is there a way to be in this relationship without the expectation that it is forever? It sounds like both of you are just not sure, he does not have enough life experience to know what he really wants. Are there things you want to experience in life also before you settle down? Also, if you need a break from him, that's probably good. Then, if he is really the right person for you, then you will naturally get back together. Are you afraid that if you take a break, then you can't hold on to him, and risk losing him forever? I would have a lot of fears about this, based on my history.

There's no one best answer, but I hope you talk to him about some of this. Maybe he will positively surprise you. Suppose he is thinking a lot of the same stuff? Just thought I'd throw these ideas out there.

I am doing much better today. I had a great work day, things just flowed nicely, I am going to a class at school tonight that is kind of the replacement class from the one I left because of the attention-seeker guy who was pushing my buttons, and I have some good plans for the weekend.

I am kind of visualizing all these "losses" as just being there and seeing them as holding no power over me and as ways to have better situations and nicer people in my life. I just feel so pleasant towards everyone today.

Take care. There are always answers.

February 1, 2007
9:17 pm
Avatar
truthBtold
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Balance,

Believe me....at some level - you ALREADY know all of the answers to your questions.

Sometimes all of us just need to have a little "down time" to figure it all out. Be patient with yourself.

The weird thing about this process is that when you are NOT necessarily looking for the answers....they will just present themselves in a very quite and loving manner.]

Usually when we give ourselves the permission to just feel....right, wrong or otherwise without our own sense of black/white or judgement or our own internal censorship - the answers will just magically appear.

Like a bubble deep, deep in the sea....will eventually find its way to the top - rather naturally.

Do not get bogged dowm with assumptions....for assumptions, by their very nature are unfounded. Kind of like old insecurities of yesteryear are trying to find a place in current circumstances, you know, in which to get their voices are heard but really have no place in our current life.

You will figure it all out - I know you will...the answers are already there....and actually have been there for quite some time.....just give them the freedom to emerge themselves.

Much love to you,

Brenda

February 2, 2007
9:19 am
Avatar
balancesekr
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hi gracenotes,
I am glad you had a good day! That is a good way to look at losses, as having no power over you.
yes, that is exactly it, I am afraid I will lose him forever. We have taken short breaks before and gotten back together after 1-2 weeks. We find it difficult to not talk to each other, which makes me think we are codependent or something not healthy.

We have been together for 2.5 years. You asked if we can be together without having it be thought of as forever. That is sort of my fault. I guess I am scared that I will never get married, no one will want to marry me, so I have brought it up in the relatonship alot. Since he is younger, I brought it up kind of early. And we definitely are serious, hence why I feel so bad about my doubts. He says he knows he wants to be with me, but me being the one with more experience, thinks, how can he know! But again, maybe I am projecting. I have had many relationships and maybe I am jaded. I think, would I feel better if he had been with more girls before me? Not necessarily... it seems no matter what scenario I think of, I screw myself no matter what!

I have read that codeps, we put ourselves in impossible situations, this is what I see myself in.

truthBtold,
Part of what bugs me most is, you say I probably have the answer, it seems the answer is I think I am not good enough. I ruined this relationship and yeah, it is over because I can't be comfortable in it for whatever reason. Maybe those are just insecurities from the past.

I just see how I am trying to blame it all on myself. I have spoken to him about my confusion and how I am afraid I am going to ruin the relationship. This really, really sucks, I feel I am going to get so hurt in this situation.

I am trying to go easy on myself. All I picture though, is me taking some time and him meeting someone new, someone who knows what they want and things will just fall right into place.

That shouldnt matter to me, what should matter is me figuring out what I want and maybe to do that I need to put it all on the line.

Are all the answers there, have I known since day 1 this wasnt gonna work but I tried it out... maybe. What do I say to him?
b

February 2, 2007
11:22 am
Avatar
gracenotes
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

balance,

Oh, I think you have identified it, and TruthBtold said it: its this thing of feeling I Am Not Good Enough.

I saw a therapist about that for awhile and, really, once I started believing I am good enough, my life really started to change, and I could truly begin Total No Contact with my n-person and get on with my life. That's what a lot of this letting go of people and situations is all about. These people and situations buy into my OLD idea that I am not good enough, and it really is sad and somewhat angering to see what I did to myself, and also to see people treat me like the "old" me and thinking it is going to be OK, because it is not okay anymore.

That is really what I sometimes am "teetering" on, but I sure have had moments of such clear empowerment for myself and it sure is moving me forward and changing absolutely everything about my life.

When I see these posts about these fears about never finding another relationship, I know that is just fear and insecurity. I remember Strong talking about that a few times. She is around my age, one of the "older" people here, and she went out and got married in her 50's. Its probably the healthiest relationship of her life. My mother found the second love of her life in her 60's and it was her best relationship ever. So, that's fear and insecurity talking. The point is not necessarily finding another relationships either, its knowing on a deep level that one is with the right person. I think the truth is that when one is healthier, one naturally attracts the right partner, the right new friends, the right new situations, just as Truth was saying, it just happens often when we are doing something else. Its like what Truth states about how the answers (and I could add opportunties and new situations) just kind of happen.

I am sure you have the answers and they will reveal themselves in their own good time.

My best to you. (((( ))))

February 4, 2007
10:15 am
Avatar
balancesekr
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

thank you for your post gracenotes, I am glad you are sharing your journey and struggle with me.

This defintely has so much to do with FEAR and INSECURITY. Fear of abandonment, not being good enough, being annoying!

The feeling of being with the right person is HUGE. Working through my own crap and trying to see if this is the right guy is so difficult.

BUT, I have been communicating, putting myself out there, I am doing exercises from a book about recognizing your pattern. And I just feel so damn vulnerable like an open wound whose fate is in my boyfriends hands or something.

We are getting together later, and I am going to try so hard to just be in the moment. Not be together based on our history, although, isn't that the point of a history, sure if you are comfy.

I am gonna be myself, not put myself down, not look to save him, not worry if he thinks things are different cause I am acting different.

I always do this, communicate fears to the current boyfriend and then worry myself sick over what they are thinking! TIME TO BREAK THIS PATTERN!

I just hope if things don't work out I will be able to pick up the pieces, not blame myself too much and not think I am defective!

February 4, 2007
12:11 pm
Avatar
gracenotes
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Balance,

You are not defective. This is just stuff that was spoon fed to us by abusive parents, caretakers, maybe even peers when we were growing up and also by any n's we had in our adult life.

Even at my worst moments, and I am going through a lot of anxiety and fear right now about an upcoming interview for a school I want to attend, I know that deep inside there is a whole, complete, and loving person who is me, underneath all this gunk. Fear comes in waves though. I feel it in my body for awhile, and then it is gone, so I am not always fearful. Maybe that's true for you too.

Who told you you were defective? Is it true? How much do you believe it? What was wrong with the person(s) who gave you this message? Were they abusive themselves? What was their self-esteem like? Were they n's playing their game of one minute idealizing you and the next moment devaluing you and being abusive? Did they have alcohol and/or drug problems? Consider the source of who they were who gave you that message. Healthy people never ever tell other people they are defective anyway. Never. Healthy people are not defective and and they would only want to encourage you and bring the best out in you. Healthy people don't call other people names either.

The truth for me is that the only people in my life who told me I was defective were the three n's I engaged with in my adult life (a fiance, a co-worker, and a female teacher), and my father, an alcoholic and a very unhappy person. According to them (taking their comments collectively), I am a sad-soul, crazy, ready to be hauled away for a three day hold in a psyc unit, psychotic, emotionally disturbed, a liar, have something "wrong" with me, and on and on.

The truth is, looking back, is that they were PROJECTING THEIR STUFF ON ME. That's all they were doing. They hated or hate themselves and I was the scapegoat for all their unresolved stuff. It makes no sense to take this stuff in anymore as an adult and believe it. Beliefs can be changed. I'm not saying its easy, but it can be done. It sounds like you are really aware of those patterns and it is getting realy uncomfortable to live with these patterns anymore.

I am well over halfway there. I think I need more actual life experience as a newer version of me also and to keep working at this every day.

Take care. How are things with you and your boyfriend?

February 4, 2007
1:13 pm
Avatar
tiedupinknots
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

"Humility grows when you refuse to be prideful."

I find some stuff tough to swallow/accept. Whenever I do it is always my pride, my ego, my will trying to be fed. I thank it. I say yes for sure some part of me wants to kill the other woman. I say yes to all thoughts and that seems to quiet my ego. When I take a positionality, defend my ego, my pride, that is when I get into deep doo doo. I am once again thinking I am my mind and becoming unconscious and not aware everything is a choice. Do I want my will or THY will in charge? My will sucks. My higher power knows what is what. I don't need to understand it. I just have to accept I'm at the level I am at. Life is a learning experience. The 'All' yearns to know itself through experience. What do I want to experience. Do I really want the pain to stop? If I do I know what to do. Do you? ๐Ÿ™‚

February 7, 2007
9:23 am
Avatar
balancesekr
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

gracenotes,
Sorry I took so long to post back, I wasn't ready to write my feelings out yet.
I felt defective due to friendships early on in my life, I was an outcast sometimes, friends ganged up on me, left me, etc... being a kid is hard. Especially when you don't have your parents guiding you and talking you through the problems that come up. I dealt with all these problems myself. As my therapist said once, you have been on your own for a long time.

I hear you that healthy people never tell you that. I am wrestling with old demons and messages. I am trying to do what you described, knowing underneath I am a lovable, whole, complete person. I realize how much I don't feel that way, I am scared so often inside my relationship and maybe even on my own.

With my boyfriend, things are tough right now, I have been struggling. The back and forth in my head is tearing my self esteem apart. I am trying so hard to dig down and be there for myself right now.

I feel my boyfriend is stressed about making a desicion about his career right now. I am scared and concerned about our future, what I want to happen, what I am scared of... so I just feel like I have NO power right now. He could call me and destroy me so easily, which feels really crappy.

Last night I just started flipping out in my mind after he left, I just feel like everything I do is wrong, I feel like I can't keep talking to him about my fears, this will push things over the edge.

He has been telling me I am in his plans for the future, he wants to be with me. I shouldnt feel so powerless, but I find myself feeling like he is just saying all these things to me to string me alongร why would I even think this! Tapes from the past? Maybe... I just dont know what to do because I normally can talk to him about anything but I dont want to push things over the edge.

I am trying to understand what I really want here and not just run away from all of this, not feel like a victim, etc...

February 7, 2007
10:05 am
Avatar
mj
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Today running away is a viable option for me. I am not a victim either. Feeling our feelings and then taking action to take care of ourselves....

I struggle here as well Balanceseeker!

I hope you find your answers today or at least find serenity to accept who you are and thats Great Enough.

February 7, 2007
10:20 am
Avatar
balancesekr
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

thank you for sharing that mj. I am digging down deep and accepting me and that is good enough.

February 7, 2007
11:02 am
Avatar
gracenotes
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

balance,

Hang in there balance. You are stronger than all these old tapes of feeling like an outcast. I work with kids and talk with kids about their feeling left out and the bullying and teasing. Nice healthy kids don't do much of this, if any. Healthy kids are not the class bullies. The insecure kids are. These kids from the past who tried to victimize you... Maybe they were n's in the making. Honest to goodness, it is scarey working with a 6-7 year old that has the potential of being an n and to see that he is already exhibiting these behaviors and manipulating, putting down, etc. at such an early age.

These kids were kids. Many did not know any better. Some just joined in because it was the so-called cool thing to do. I bet some look back and feel awful about their behavior too now as an adult.

Honest to goodness, last night I had a dream about a friend growing up who turned against me and ignored me, put me down, all that adolescent stuff when we went to middle school. In the dream, she was a very kind, loving person and we were friends with each other, just as we had been for about 12 years when I was growing up. I think that's who she really is now as an adult and I bet she feels a little sorry for her behavior towards me. Maybe she came back to visit me on the dream level to tell me that.

Hope this helps.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
30
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110976
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38561
Posts: 714257
Newest Members:
nina1985, February, lisabaker, robertwalker, Why.., Why.
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information