Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
TEEN ANXIETY...CAN ANYONE HELP?!
September 19, 2003
9:03 pm
Avatar
typist2
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I have recently inherited two teenagers through marriage. I also have two younger kids of my own.

My dilemma is that my two teens have some discipline problems and they, as teens are, are manipulative. I am trying to adjust to a new marriage, maintain the healthy and happy relationship with my two kids we've always had, develop and healthy and happy relationship with my new teens, AND, stay on guard with them.

I love them and I want to be a good parent to them but, I don't feel like I'm giving them all they need from me because I'm more afraid of the manipulation and discipline issues. My husband and I, and their teachers have hit brick walls. But, I seem to be in the most complex situation with them, being the new stepmom and all.

And, by they way, I'm a recovering co-dependent!

HELP!

September 19, 2003
9:33 pm
Avatar
Zinnie
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Typist,

Are they living with you and your husband? How do they get along with your own children?

Zinnie

September 20, 2003
9:01 am
Avatar
typist2
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Zinnie,

Yes, they do live with us. They are twins and they each have a difficult personality. However, all of the kids love each other. That is obvious. My kids argue with them when they're home but, miss them when they visit their mom. They are loved here, that's for sure.

September 20, 2003
2:52 pm
Avatar
Ladeska
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

It may just be an adjustment period here, but with manipulations, they need to be exposed and keep being exposed. You have to really stay on that one. I would suggest regular family meetings where everything gets aired and brought right out into the open so that the webwork gets inteferred with all the time. It's when these things don't get exposed that manipulations succeed. Keep the light right on it and then give them TONS of love and quality time right along with that.

But I would make it mandatory that you have this family meeting and that everyone has to be there. That way you can see the reactions on everyone's faces and gauge for yourself what is going on and who is doing what, even if they don't talk much. I'd also say that sitting and not talking isn't going to work that everyone has to talk or you just keep sitting there. Just say something, contribute to the group.

Sometimes it helps to have a therapist who is really good with communication to come over during this meeting and just keep it flowing and direct things in a healthy fashion. I used to do this with families and it's actually quite helpful. Where they could play each other, it's harder to do with an outside present who can see what's up and just call whoever on it, or turn the tide this way and that.

It's a power struggle.........everyone is trying to get into position to see who has the power here and you, the parents, have to have the power. Fitting together in a cohesive bond is tricky, especially at this late date in their growth. But I'd just keep everything right out in the open and expose things as they are going along and let nothing.......be kept in the dark or ignored.

September 20, 2003
8:27 pm
Avatar
typist2
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks, Ladeska!

September 20, 2003
11:00 pm
Avatar
Ladeska
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

You're very welcome! Hope it helps!

September 26, 2003
10:06 am
Avatar
typist2
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi!

This has been a good week. I know time is very important to the healing process in this situation.

What I did learn, however, is how important it is for me to resist the codependent urge to want to fix things and make EVERYone feel happy and accepted and secure....so forth and so on. It has occurred to me that there are times when people ARE content-they DO know you love and care, but, they will use your codependent feelings against you to get what they want.

Therefore, I have found that standing firm, through all the fears and temptations to conform when its not appropriate, has tipped the scale in my favor, which is still for their good.

By the way, we have had a meeting and it is a great tool in establishing grounds. Following through AFTER the meeting makes the difference.

September 26, 2003
1:39 pm
Avatar
Ladeska
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Very important that you stick to this mindset, too. Good for you!! One thing that kids want more than anything are boundaries that don't move. Whether they are young or older, especially when they are young but the older ones need it to. It makes them feel "safe". And if they can manipulate you then they disrespect you AND at the same time - them being able to have this power over you makes them feel insecure.

So sometimes you get on their level and sometimes you pull back and be a parent. You don't share all your weak spots with them. You do alot of listening and discerning. And you bring things out into the open with these meetings so that nothing goes undercover so to speak. That's when webwork forms and communication breaks way down....

Following through - is a MUST. And when rules are broken - swift action is needed. And as much as possible - without alot of emotion involved. Just - you did this, you know the rules and these are the consequences. I still love you, you're still a great kid but - this is how it is.

When they see a straight line of communication always there, you always being quick with response and it being the same for the most part, and also knowing that you care, love them and affirm them - then they can "settle".

And yes, you have to stop with the codependent stuff because that tells them - they have the power and you don't. They need to be kids and you guys need to be the parents. (smile)

September 26, 2003
3:20 pm
Avatar
artist 2
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Sound like great advice Ladeska. I love the family meeting idea.

September 26, 2003
3:41 pm
Avatar
Ladeska
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

It's pretty cool actually. Very effective. Was funny.....years ago I worked with this family and did the "intervention" deal with them for about a year. They were a MESS!!! Coming a part at ALL the seams. Anyways, yea buddy their family meetings were a real hoot in the beginning and they really needed a referree, too. That was me and it was tough going!

I was called over sometimes in the middle of the night, too. Yea, that was fun....me in my bunnie slippers - NOW WHAT???????

One of the biggest manipulators in the group was the little one, around 12 at the time and she was the one you'd least suspect. Should have seen her face when I called her out in a meeting one night. She thought she was allll hidden.... But it was good she got exposed then, because she had the chance at such a young age to change some behavior before it really became part of her life. I loved her to pieces, don't get me wrong. And she knew that. But she was sure pissed off at me that night! She got over it though and she and I began having some - no holds barred talks - which is exactly what needed to happen.

But one thing I instituted because they were SO rude to each other was - every time you say something that was defined by me and agreed upon by them as - rude, insulting and attacking - guess what? You had to write in your own special notebook, 100 times - I will not do this again.

It was cool because they all agreed to it, children and parents and the children loved it because they could tag their parents on stuff. That was pretty darned funny. There were some times that I'd come over for a visit and they are like, sorry, we can't visit right now because WE ALL HAVE TO DO OUR SENTENCES, thank YOU very MUCH!!! And there they were, watching T.V. in the living room together, quiet as little church mouses, all writing in their notebooks. LOL!

But I started noticing that this one little exercise started making people "think" before they opened their mouths. We did alot of "learning how to communicate", how to phrase things, how to SAY things in such a way that was not attacking and raising someone else's defenses. And when we had the meetings, I was there for them for quite a few months and I'd have to stop them when they would be talking in a certain way and correct them. It took practice, but finally they got the hang of it and that household CHANGED! Was way cool to just watch it happen slowly.

They were literally yelling at each other openly before all this, slamming doors, pouting, spewing venom, everyone going into their own rooms, one child running away and another attempting suicide. I mean there were ALOT of issues here. One was the two oldest ones that were teens had been sexually abused by their grandfather, so I was dealing with this also.

It was like juggling about ten balls at once. They finally got on level ground though. But it was a real emergency situation and the boundaries and rules had to be real tight, real consequences and rules and real communication. We could not drop our guard or the lines drawn one time. Everything had to be consistent, consistent, consistent.

September 30, 2003
10:53 pm
Avatar
typist2
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ladeska,

Thanks for your inspirational story. I will have to try the "writing it 100x's". I am looking forward to seeing my boys become functional at home, in school and in their future.

I'll keep ya updated. Thanks, again.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
23
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111048
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38581
Posts: 714357
Newest Members:
nickvoz, jron1945bas, juliaopty, uoi, jamescortes, rickymorgan3165
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information