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TC66's Update
June 14, 2007
11:37 am
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turnabout
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I had a lot of thoughts about things he said, but didn't want to monopolize your thread too much, TC. Man, what a lot of typos I found this morning in my recounting of his letter! One thing I need to correct. He didn't say, "me keeping close watch on his car", he said that after 2 weeks of silence and "me keeping close watch on MY car". It still hints at me stalking him, but I said it totally wrong before.

Hey TC, I figured you went out with the girls last night. Knew it was your free night & probably needed a distraction from thinking about how FF SHOULD be calling you, asking you out, huh?

I'm so glad he sent that letter. I can't tell you how glad I am. It resolved a lot for me. Just like I had a moment of clarity with J_ that exposed exactly how badly he'd twisted things in his mind so that I KNEW my attempts at communication were being abused, this was that moment with boy. I was already resolved that I couldn't have any kind of relationship with him based on how he's treated me, but I still had some feelings of sympathy for him. In the transcript that I forwarded to him, my side of the emotional spectrum was hurt feelings and confusion; his side was fear. He was afraid of facing my anger, mostly, even though I wasn't angry, just hurt, and told him so. So I was still feeling some sympathy for him, for acting towards me like a wounded animal afraid of getting attacked again. (although I wasn't the one who caused the original wound. that was his abusive step-father.) So, I forwarded that e-mail to him b/c I thought that was still going on ... he was still letting fear of me being angry and or losing my respect get in the way of communication. But now I have no sympathy for him. His avoidance of communication has now made him delusional.

I hadn't devised any plan to approach him at the awards night, but I was questioning whether I should look for an opening for acknowledging this rift between us, since I was thinking it was still based on fear. On one hand, I had no intention of paying much attention to him, but on the other, if he was just afraid of approaching me, thought I might somehow see that and acknowledge it. But, good grief! This is so not worth my time.

But I'll be back in a few to talk about my strongest reactions to things he said. But you hit it, TC, with calling it 'self-serving'. That's all it was.

Ooohh, and in MORE IMPORTANT news, I may be making a job change. I put in an application with the local state-affiliated mental health organization and they called me in for an interview. I go in on Monday. I'm so excited!!! It's the same thing I'm doing now, office work, but with state benefits that make me DROOL, and it's in a field I'm thinking of venturing into. I'm hoping it will turn out well. My boss loves me and I'd hate to leave him, but this could soooo be right up my alley. Cross your fingers for me!!!

June 14, 2007
12:05 pm
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2bstrong
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Well turnabout, at the very LEAST he communicated with you. I think that we can't be too critical of how people choose to express themselves. (It's much worse to have no response at all!) I have always thought that we all need to do what we feel comfortable doing in the area of communication. He obviously gave a lot of thought to what he wanted to say to you--it was bugging him, and now, you know exactly where you stand with him. I was thinking about this analogy while reading your excerpts: he is acting like a wounded animal who's lashing out. He's being defensive because he's been hurt. He has admitted to you that he has "vented". His note tells you everything that you need to know about him, turn. You need and want so much more from a relationship, more expression and sensitivity...he isn't ready/capable/willing to give this to you.

I have been giving a lot of thought to this...we've invested emotionally with these guys. That's what happens in relationships. If they can't give us what we want either during the relationship, or as closure to end the relationship, why do we get angry or hurt? They are telling us with their response or lack of response that they CAN"T or DON'T want to do what we are asking of them. Why should we get angry at them for not being willing to give us what we are asking? Isn't it their prerogative? Especially with endings. When we engage in contact with them, WE are making the choice to stay connected with them. If they have shown us or told us that they don't want to be with us, we have to take it as that and try and move on. Do they really owe us anything more?

I don't mean to hurt anyone with what I'm saying. Goodness knows we've all been through so much hurt and heartbreak. We've all been through disappointment after disappointment, we've reached out in TRUST and have been ignored, misled, and attacked. When this happens to us, they are telling us everything we need to know about them. At some point, we have to accept that it is THEM, not us. They are what they are.

Again, I am sorry if I hurt or offend.

June 14, 2007
12:26 pm
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turnabout
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Hey 2b! I noticed the Feeling Free thread had fallen way down the list. Missed you.

Okay. Reacting to specific things...

I'll start at the end of the letter. I'm really laughing at the idea of him watching his car. I wish I could watch him watch his car, checking it every time he starts getting in it for key scratches. That would be priceless.

I'm also amused at the idea that he EXPECTS a scene, and this is his way of trying to avoid one, by making me scared that I won't ever see him again. I actually entertained the idea of creating a scene just for the purpose of driving him away and getting him out of my life, but that was really just for my own amusement. If I cared about his comings and goings I might do that, but I don't.

And now HE's telling ME that there's no way for a friendship to work right now, as thought that's news to ME!! Baby, I already sent that e-mail about a month and a half ago. Forgot it already?

TC, I don't know why he typed it up and hand-delivered it instead of e-mailing. That is really weird, isn't it? I could use it against him just as easily. Even more easily! It's highly portable! I also briefly considered sticking it under his windshield wiper with the written note that I think he dropped this and might want it back; I have no use for it. But I'm not going to acknowledge it in any way.

I don't know what boundaries were set to ever stop working. I do notice, however, that he easily glossed over his crossing of the friendship boundaries, but is very ready to claim that I'm wanting more "privileges" than he gives as a friend.

I'm disgusted by how he assumed that we "corrected ourselves" about that "slight moment". **I** didn't "correct" myself. **I** had nothing to correct, for my behavior was consistent with the feelings I had expressed for him. It just goes to show how insensitive he is to the feelings I've been expressing to him.

And his litany of excuses for why he blew off on that Wednesday!! UGH!! Wah, wah, wahhhh!!! is all I could think as I read it. He KNEW he'd left me hanging for a week. He KNEW my schedule with the show I was in and that was my last available night for ANOTHER week where I could talk. He KNEW it was the second day in a row we'd discussed getting together, and I'd been understanding when he had a LEGITIMATE conflict on the first day. But he DIDN'T CARE that I'd geared up for this conversation two days in a row, and DIDN'T CARE that I'd been left hanging for a week and would now be left hanging at least another week, because he HAD A BAD DAY! That is so unbelievably selfish, it's disgusting.

And the nerve of implying that, although he was well aware of what I was going through, because I was telling him, **I** should feel guilty for not being considerate of his feelings on a bad day THAT I KNEW NOTHING ABOUT!!!

And, you guys don't know what I said in the voice-mail I left him, of course, but I don't know what could have "enraged him to no end." That is just serious instability right there. All I said to him was that I was frustrated and angry that he'd set me up AGAIN to expect him only to all of a sudden have something more important to do. I pointed out that he had never mentioned a possible conflict when he suggested it would be a better night to talk, nor that morning when I messaged him about it, but now all of a sudden he's having dinner with his grandparents?!! I told him that if he didn't want to talk, he should just be a man and say so, because I could forget the whole thing. And that was all I said.

I called him on his behavior, and that's what he didn't like. I said to a friend last night that people who don't want to take responsibility for themselves will resent you for holding them responsible, and that's all he's doing. He's felt guilty all along, but at first, I wasn't saying anything. It was all self-inflicted. Then, when I started pointing out the ways he wasn't acting responsibly towards me, he was able to start blaming me for his guilt.

Oh well. Not my problem anymore.

June 14, 2007
12:29 pm
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You're right, 2b. Just because someone doesn't communicate the same way we do, does not make them "wrong"... just like there being no right or wrong way to end a relationship. I don't need to hear the words to know it's over anymore. I know it's over.

I agree with most of what you said, but I still think that the boy was cruel to Turnabout. It was not necessary! The "relationship" was over... she just was trying to re-define it. Trying to make the friendship work. Something he SAID he wanted. Then to turn it all around on her is just plain mean! No, he's not "wrong"... just a jerk. I think Turn sees that now.

TC

June 14, 2007
12:43 pm
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You sound great, Tra!! I'm so glad that you are seeing the humor and ridiculousness in his note to you. I feared that you'd take it personally and let it wound you.

Don't you think it's funny how he thinks that him breaking up with you was just going to push you over the edge!??

Show him that he is nothing but a brief blip in the radar of your life! Go ahead and live your best life ever!! Let your silence SCREAM to him!!! Goodbye!!!

TC

June 14, 2007
1:22 pm
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Yes TC, he was very harsh with Turn. Mean and reactive. I am just amazed that we get close to these guys and really don't see this side of them until a conflict. A difference of opinions and definitions. Reminds of when right after ex-ex and I ended it and I first heard the term "emotional immaturity". It's epidemic.

Well. Got home yesterday and there was an envelope in the mail box--two tickets to the Police concert in Louiville in July. RS included a handwritten note that said, "Thought you would get more use out of these than I would. Enjoy! RS".

Not sure what to do. Don't know if I really want to go--without him. Just being honest here. Wondering if I should at least call and invite him to go, or thank him for the tix...or send them back. Wondering if he received my email?

TC, how are you feeling today? How's the Law of Attraction attitude?

June 14, 2007
2:26 pm
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turnabout
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Well, it was just a day for finding things in mailboxes, wasn't it?

At least RS kept his word though and gave you the tickets. We all know about what happened with Boy and "the Pompeii fiasco" as he called it. ((eyeroll))

Surely you can think of someone else who you'd enjoy going with. Hey, I love The Police! *wink, wink* Or at least can think of others who would enjoy them. If he wanted an invitation, I think he could have delivered them himself. If you were to ask him, and he were to accept, you wouldn't have nearly as good of a time as you think you would. There's nothing quite like spending time with someone who couldn't care less about whether he's spending time with you. Inviting him would just be inviting him to make you an incidental accessory to the event. You don't want that.

June 14, 2007
2:39 pm
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I'm glad that RS was true to his word and sent you the tickets. It proves that he's not a total jerk! Just a partial jerk. Kidding!

I would NOT invite him to go. If he wanted to go with you, he would have contacted you and asked you. He didn't. So, I'd let it be.

If you don't want to go without him, you could always sell the tickets on ebay. I'm all about ebay these days!!! You could probably make a good amount of money on them if it's a sold out show. Just a thought...

I would probably send him a note to thank him for the tickets. Don't get too mushy or emotional. Just say thanks.... it's the polite thing to do.

I am doing okay. Still maintaining NC. I have my sad moments, but I know, deep in my heart that this is the RIGHT thing to do, so I'm following through with it this time. It's the only way I can open up new doors for myself in the Universe!!

I just finished booking our vacation to New York City!! I'm so excited! We are going August 10th... staying 3 nights at a 4 star hotel... seeing the Broadway Production of Wicked. Going on a horse/carriage ride through Central Park... visiting Ground Zero, Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum, a ferry ride to the Statue of Liberty, Empire State Building, Times Square... double decker bus tours throughout the city... I could go on and on!!! Basically doing all of the goofy tourist stuff!!!

This will be something that the children will always remember. I can't wait!!

That's all for me... everything else is still the same.

TC

June 14, 2007
2:56 pm
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"because it hurts MORE to be in touch with him than it does to be out of touch... so it's merely self preservation."

TC, you always give such great advice. And it's so nice to be accepted for where I am in my relationships and not judging me. I'm not at all ready to let go because it hurts me MORE to be out of touch with my bf than to be in touch. Things are going ok for now, so I'm still happy to see him around. But last year I did reach that breaking point and initiated no contact. So I do know where you are and how hard it is. (((TC)))

I'd love to go to NYC and do the tourist thing. I've never been. Hope you have a wonderful time!

June 14, 2007
3:04 pm
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(((2b))), grab a friend and go to the concert!! Don't let one man take all the joy out of your life. The better you treat yourself, the faster you can heal from the hurt.

(((turn))) I'm glad the letter helped you resolve some things in your mind. Sometimes just seeing them for what they are can really help us let go.

June 14, 2007
3:52 pm
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2B!!!!!!!!!!

Shockeroo!!!

I agree with the others. For whatever reason he sent the tickets, in the back of my mind is the idea that he thinks you will knee-jerk react. Maybe he doesn't care if you do or don't, but I wouldn't feed that itty-bitty flame at all. Could be you'll hear more from him, could be not.

Grab a bud or your sis and go have fun at the concert! Plenty of time to prepare. I'm hearing awesome reviews of their concerts, to date.

TC, you DO give great advice. Always uplifting to me to read your writings. Mahalo!

H-gal

June 14, 2007
4:51 pm
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turnabout
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Hey guys. I just got an interesting new insight into the Boy. Well, may not be much to you guys, but it made me feel pretty smart, so I wanted to share. Hahah!

My friend that I talked to last night had gone to the other theater's awards night that I skipped last weekend, which the Boy also attended. She asked the Boy about an upcoming show he'd listed on his profile. She said he launched into how he dropped out of the show, the 1st time to do so in 7 years, b/c this girl he can't stand was supposed to be in the show. The director called him and wanted him to do it, but he just couldn't b/c he and this girl just don't get along... yadda, yadda. I asked who it was, and my friend told me it was EL. Just as I suspected. She didn't know this, but that was the girl Boy dated very briefly before he met me, and he always spoke disparagingly during our relationship, not b/c of how she was when they were dating, but b/c of what happened a short while after he & I started dating.

A while ago I imagined myself into my friend's conversation with him, and thought of asking him, "Why are you so afraid of EL?" I mean, to drop out of a show b/c of that girl alone... Come on!!! He hasn't even spoken to her in a year b/c she went off on him after she came back from a months long trip and got her feelings hurt that he wasn't interested enough to e-mail her while she was gone. Can you blame her?!!! But that offended him, that she expected too much of him (he thought she'd just go off to do her thing & they'd see how things stood when she came back, but by then, he'd met & started dating me), and then seemed to snub him afterwards whenever they were at the same functions. And so he disparaged her.

And I'm ashamed to say that I went along with it b/c her huffy behavior and reputation for being "a bit much" (from others, not Boy) reminded me of J_'s girlfriend.

So, I'm asking myself why he would be so afraid of her that he would shift his life to avoid her, especially when he hasn't had any interaction with her in so long. And you know he did the same thing on Valentine's Day, blowing off our plans for attending a ball b/c we'd have to sit at HER table, avoiding her then ....

Wait a minute. Inspired by stories of how I'd felt when reaching out to J_, and how he never gave it a chance, he reached out to her sometime in January. Sent her an e-mail apologizing for any way he might have hurt her, and she responded pretty dismissively it seems, noting how she'd moved on with her life, and said some things that condescended him, I think. I really don't know specifically what either of them said.

But now he's avoiding her whereas before he just disparaged her, but didn't really care what she did. And I think I've figured it out. He humbled himself to apologize, but she blew it off, so now he feels that he has no way of saving face in front of her.

I'm just fascinated by this.

June 14, 2007
4:54 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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and my guess is that he will probably avoid you now.

you plan to "blow off" his idea of an apology...maybe he sent the same sorta thing to her...which is why she blew it off.

so, perhaps he will do the dodge turn game with you too.

shows the level of maturity.

June 14, 2007
4:57 pm
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turnabout
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Wow, sorry to drone on like that, guys. I thought it was just a little juicy extra tidbit. Didn't know I was writing out a whole new CHAPTER to the saga!

June 14, 2007
4:58 pm
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My guess is the same, rising. He's definitely showing a pattern of behavior.

June 18, 2007
2:46 pm
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Well, hate to take over TC's thread again, but when I started making one of my own, realized I would just have to keep referring to things already said here. Oh well... TC needs a bump anyway, huh?

Okay, so I SAID I wasn't writing the little twerp back, right? Wrong.

2b, I never responded to your note about not judging how he reached out to me b/c when I tried, I kept catching myself being defensive. So, I decided I needed to put that off until I was able to come up with something that wasn't defensive.

Then, I came to my own realization about how Boy was avoiding this EL girl out of fear. Somehow, these thoughts came together that night after stewing in the back of my brain for a while, and I started coming up with how I wanted to answer his letter. First I thought I would write it out for myself only, for catharsis, but as I got further along into it, I realized I was going to send it. Main reason was because I'd managed to address some of his confusion without being defensive, and because I was able to say what I hadn't before about the last disappointment, getting that out of the way. Also, because I was able to write it without being invested in getting a response out of him. I think that was the key right there. Basically, I explained that all I'd wanted in all of our talks and conflict had been to know that I mattered, that my feelings matter, and explained how each of the scenarios he brought up in his letter had made me feel as though I don't matter. I also went into explaining why I don't feel sympathy for his "bad day" that made him feel too drained for us to talk last time, and even managed to work in a reference to how he was reflecting the behavior of his abusive stepfather in a way that was caring and not accusatory. (Whew! REALLY didn't expect to throw that one in there, but it just worked!) I ended it saying that I didn't expect him to do anything. He didn't have to do anything or fix anything. He was off the hook. I was able to send it off to him just hours before the theater party we were both attending.

Guess it worked. He arrived after I did, which basically left little time for socializing before the awards ceremony started, but he obviously avoided me. But during one of the breaks in the ceremony, I walked down one of the backstage corridors and ran into him. I smiled a greeting, and he reached out for me, hugged me tightly, and APOLOGIZED!!! I was shocked. He said he read my e-mail before coming and realized he'd been a jerk. I said it was okay.

Well, that doesn't fix everything, of course, but I'd forgiven him before I even sent the note. I'm betting he'll just continue with how he's been, but I'm happy to have received at least an apology after that CRAPPY letter. I don't expect him to suddenly not be a jerk anymore, but I like hearing that he can see now HOW he's been a jerk to me.

How are you guys? TC, any news from you this weekend? Still getting and giving the silent treatment?

Someone ELSE, please provide the drama now!! I'm hopefully done!

TraCo

June 19, 2007
10:50 am
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Hey Tra!

I'm so glad that you were able to get your feelings OUT to the boy... and I'm happy that you got an apology. It's good that he knows he was a jerk. I guess?! Of course it would be better if he knew he was a jerk and wanted to NOT be a jerk anymore... but hey... we can't have it all, can we?

I'm doing fine. I'm working on accepting people for what they are and not try to fit them into the mold of what I think they SHOULD be. It's not easy. Relationships are so hard! Even friendships.

I have been feeling very lonely lately. Not because I don't have a boyfriend, but because I don't have a close friend that I can share everything with. I have always had ONE very close friend at all times. ONE person that knew everything about me and who I'd call several times a day... just to talk about stupid things. Something happened to me in my car on Sunday while I was driving and I picked up the phone. I stared at it... and realized that I have Nobody to call. Sure, I have friends... but I don't feel that close connection with anyone right now.

I'm not sure if it's because I am so rigid... I have cut people out of my life for reasons that I found unforgiveable, but maybe in the scheme of life, they really AREN'T! I don't feel like I trust anybody.

My High School best friend comes in and out of my life. She is very moody and will go months (sometimes years) without calling me or responding to my calls. She never explains WHY... she just comes back in and picks up where we left off. When she wants to be, she is a great friend and we are very close. We can finish each others sentences and we spend a lot of time talking about everything and nothing at all. I miss that. This last episode with her lasted 2 years. I called a few times and sent her a birthday card on her 40th birthday saying that I missed her and would love to get together soon. She never responded nor did she acknowledge MY 40th birthday at all. I was very hurt. Then last week... she called me! Out of the blue. Like nothing was wrong! Just to chat! Almost a year after my birthday card to her (which she never acknowledged). I talked to her but I was very reserved. I waited for her to give an explanation for why she shut me out for so long. Nothing. When I said goodbye, I knew that I didn't want to talk to her again.

My most recent closest friend. I have known for 5 years. We hit it off immediately. She and her husband have become very close to me. Our families take vacations together and our children are like siblings. She began several affairs over the past year. I have had an EXTREMELY difficult time with this. I am finding it difficult to be friends with someone that has absolutely no respect for her husband, who is a wonderful husband and father. She lies to him... a lot! I have made it clear to her that I want nothing to do with her recent activities and now I know she lies to me too! It's sad. She is still there. She is still my friend... but I don't feel the same way about her. I feel like the person that was my best friend has died.

I have a lot of other aquaintances, but they are just that. They are not TRUE friends. I find myself getting disappointed by them... often... When they don't return my calls... when they get together without me... when they say we'll do something together and don't follow through... that kind of stuff...

I guess I'm just lonely. Starving for intimacy....

Blah!

TC

June 19, 2007
11:34 am
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turnabout
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"Of course it would be better if he knew he was a jerk and wanted to NOT be a jerk anymore... but hey... we can't have it all, can we?"

EXACTLY!!! Two thoughts I've had about his apology are: 1) I noticed he didn't seek me out to give me an apology. He AGAIN waited until it was convenient and I was just passing by. That just doesn't mean as much,.. y'know? It's the same thing he's done the few times he's invited me to join in things that were going on. He never sought me out to include me; he only did it in passing, like throwing me a bone after a talks was winding down. Finally, I got an apology, but does it change anything??? Nope. 2) I don't think he or a lot of guys realize that an apology isn't the end of the resolution; it's just the beginning!!! That's where healing starts, and it's important, but there's still damage to be undone. I forgive Boy for hurting me, but I'm afraid I'm still convinced my feelings don't really matter to him. And the ONLY way I can be convinced otherwise is if he starts acting sensitively towards my feelings. I just don't expect that to happen.

You're changing, TC. And when you're the only one changing like this among your old group, it can make you feel like the only person on earth who feels the way you do. But you HAVE to want more for your life and from your relationships than what you've been getting.

The good (but painful) thing about this loneliness you're going through is how much it FORCES you to develop your own self-respect, without relying on anyone else's opinion. You HAVE to go through this period in your growth, or there is no growth. I know how awful it is. I felt this same way as I became more and more disillusioned with K_ and the rest. But esp'ly w/ K_. I helped her move; I held her when her heart was broken; We cooked for each other when Katrina knocked the power out for almost a week. In short, I was there for her, but being part of a social group ended up being more important to her than being my friend. So now, I look at what SHE has... a bunch of people who had the same opportunities I did, but who were NEVER there for her. THAT's what she's holding on to, and I definitely don't need to hold onto anything like that. And neither do you.

Funny you should bring up your friends, b/c I was just thinking about K_ this morning. I've been listening to my Christian music lately. One song was on my mind that is supposed to be from the apostle Peter's point of view... let's see, the lyrics say at one point, "I got scared, I ran away. The rooster crowed, my faith, it swayed." And I thought, K_ is my Peter. She got scared and ran away from her loyalty to me that day she went to J_'s party and hid it from me. Only she never understood her betrayal, and so she could never really come back to me. It's sad, don't you think?

We all deserve the loyalty of friends who really want to look out for US instead of their fears, and can humble themselves enough to recognize when they've failed. Otherwise, they aren't friends.

You're just weeding your garden, so you can plant roses.

((((((((TC66)))))))))

June 19, 2007
12:08 pm
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TC,

You sound so much like me it's uncanny! I also feel very lonely due to lack of good friends. My best friend from college once betrayed my trust and I haven't felt comfortable confiding in her since. Plus, we've just grown apart over the years. We have little in common anymore. I haven't found a close girlfriend since. I do miss that.

Regarding your high school best friend ... I often treat my college friend the same way your friend treats you. It's really nothing personal. It's just that I've got things going on in my life that are unrelated to anything we would share. Half the time I forget her birthday. Since she's not an active part of my life, I don't automatically think of her. But I also know that we are both there for each other if we ever need anything or are going thru difficult times. It's a different kind of friendship because it's more of a lifetime thing.

About your recent closest friend, this is one where you need to practice acceptance. (I know, I'm really struggling with that, too). Friends don't sit in judgment of each other no matter what. They just accept them for what they are and support them if they need it. It's all about unconditional love. You may not approve of her affairs and lying, but you don't know all the circumstances either. Her husband may be a great guy to you, but things could be quite different behind their closed doors. I'm in the exact same situation as your close friend and I'm not a bad guy either. It doesn't mean my husband is a bad guy. It simply means we have some personal problems that are just between the two of us.

The reason your friend lies to you, too is because she knows you don't approve of her actions and so she is keeping them from you. If you were able to accept her as your friend, she wouldn't be forced to lie to you. She lies because she still wants to be your friend even if she can't confide in you.

You can't mold your friend into being June Cleaver and a devoted wife. She is who she is. Just know that she has her reasons as to why she feels the need to cheat on her husband. You aren't expected to understand or approve. But she probably needs a friend as much as you do. You can avoid the topic of her adultery altogether if it makes you uncomfortable. By lying to you, that's what she was trying to do ... protect you from it.

You can have that good friend back if you just pick up the phone and act like nothing has happened. Ignore her affair and just be her friend. Acceptance is the key to most of our relationship turmoil. (((TC)))

June 19, 2007
1:25 pm
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Tra,

It must have hurt a lot to feel like an "afterthought" to the boy after being his #1 priority for so long. I would be very upset that he didn't make my friendship a priority in his life in any way. That's why people should be HONEST about their intentions when they are breaking up a relationship. What he should have said is "I really want OUT of this relationship. I don't plan on talking to you or seeing you unless it's absolutely necessary. I don't owe you a thing... not even my friendship, so please leave me alone to move on with my life." Harsh? Yes. But, if that's the truth, I'd rather hear it than being given the "I want to be friends" speach. It's a bunch of bull!!! It's misleading and winds up hurting everyone in the long run.

Loralei,

I don't feel like I am an intolerant friend. Here are a few more details: My High School friend has a habit of doing this to me. It's not being "busy"... It's not an oversight. It's intentional. When we were in school, she'd be my best friend one day and then walk by me with her new boyfriend without saying a word the next day. I remember walking up to the two of them in the cafeteria and saying "Hi guys"... he said "hi" and she looked at me like she wanted to poke my eyes out. I have no idea why... she did that alot. She was moody with everyone. Then... the pattern just continued as we got older. I put up with it for many, many years. I didn't like to make waves and I valued her friendship so I put up with poor treatment from her. I shouldn't have. I set the precedent. The bottom line is that she does not respect me at all. I can't be her friend. I don't want to. I miss the "closeness" with someone but I do not miss HER.

My most recent dilemma... I am still friends with this woman. We still hang out and act as if everything is fine. The problem is that *again*, I miss the closeness. I don't think she is a bad person, BUT I am completely against what she is/has been doing. I do know both sides of the story. I KNOW all of her issues. She's bored. She wants EXCITEMENT. She went looking for SEX online. She did not have an affair of the heart. She met strangers for anonymous sex. Her husband found out that she cheated and they began counseling. He was willing to forgive her and believed that she was sorry. The truth is that she doesn't want to save her marriage. She doesn't love her husband. She'll admit it. She just wants the "lifestyle" that he can provide her. They live in a beautiful home (and are in the process of having a BIGGER/BETTER one built). She wants it all and he gives it to her. Because he loves her. She doesn't work. She has a maid that cleans her house. She lives the life of total luxury because of HIM. He doesn't deserve to be treated that way. He is a good man. It makes me very angry to see him taken advantage of (he is a good friend of mine too)... Not to mention the fact that I am a single Mom and I work like a Dog to give my children everything they need... I don't have someone to take care of me. She does and she does not appreciate it. I'm angry about that. I'm resentful of it. It's not that I judge her having an "affair"... It's that I judge her total lack of morals, respect for her family and greediness at the expense of her husband's feelings.

Does that make sense???

June 19, 2007
1:38 pm
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TC,

Your additional info does shed a new light on things.

I'm surprised you were friends at all with your high school friend because she doesn't sound like much of a friend to you. I don't think she is much of a loss at all. If she pops into your life, fine. If not, fine. Not anyone you can depend on.

Your recent friend is a much more complicated situation. It really boils down to what YOU want in a friend. She may be going through a mid-life crisis of sorts and they don't always make sense. Just like love can make you temporarily insane, so can that. Her husband sounds very co-dependent or he would let her go. Again, you can't solve their personal issues, as screwed up as they are.

The bottom line is, do you want her as a friend? If you do, then you need to accept her as is, flaws and all. If she doesn't mean that much to you, let her go or just be acquaintances. I survive without a close female friend. I'd love to have one, but I do fine without one. The choice is yours, my friend.

June 19, 2007
1:50 pm
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Thanks for talking with me, Loralei.

After all of the drama, I had pretty much decided that she would just be an aquaintance to me...

I don't want to solve their personal problems, but I was feeling affected by them. That's why I have taken several steps back from her. Thus, leading to the "loss". The feeling that my friend had died and been replaced by a stranger that I no longer know or like.

I can survive too, without a close female friend... I just wish I had one, that's all.

TC

June 19, 2007
2:21 pm
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TC,

I think it's harder to find a close female friend than it is to find a boyfriend. Maybe our standards for them are higher or something. But unless you feel like you can totally trust them and that they can understand you, a close friendship just doesn't work. I keep looking for one, but can't find anyone I have much in common with. Also, most of the women in my area are extemely religious and I'm not. Makes things uncomfortable and we don't see things the same way. I've pretty much given up hope on that one. But I do know what you mean. I wish I had one, too.

June 20, 2007
11:33 am
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Tra,

I almost completely forgot... Did you have your job interview on Monday? How did it go??

I had two good things happen to me over the last two days. I got a check for $50.00 in the mail from my part time job (a recruitment bonus for signing on a consultant) AND my boss just called me (he's out of the office until Monday)... he said that when I get my check, don't worry... It's not a mistake! He said that he appreciates everything that I do and hopes that the extra money will help me out with my health insurance (which I need to purchase myself since my ex-husbands policy would no longer cover me)... Sooooo... I'm dying to know how much I'm getting!! I'm so excited! I just used all of my savings to pay for our New York trip... so now it looks like I can replenish some of it! Yay!

Where is everyone else?

Veggiemom???????? Helllllooooooo!

TC

June 21, 2007
1:35 pm
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Glad you're getting some relief in the finance dept., TC. That's awsome!! And is the boss giving you a bonus, or is this a permanent raise?

My interview went really well. They ended up considering me for a better position than the one I applied for, and it sounds like something that would be really fulfilling and I could be really good at. Downside, it really doesn't pay enough. There's no
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