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TC66's Update
June 2, 2007
12:17 pm
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Hey, Tra. I was hoping you'd stop by. You are right. I do have disappointment and hurt that my life has not turned out the way I thought it would. I was supposed to live happily ever after in my dream home with my husband and my two children. I loved being married. I loved the security. I don't enjoy dating. I don't enjoy the uncertainty of beginning new relationships. I don't do well with change. I don't deal well with disappointment. I don't want THIS life. I want the life I thought I'd have.

I was not happy in my marriage. But, I knew what to expect from him. He gave me a life of security... No joy, no comfort, no passion... but security. Was that good enough? Obviously not, because HERE I sit. Alone. His girlfriend moved into MY dream house last month. Her voice is on MY answering machine. Her daughter has a bedroom in what used to be MY children's play room. He is having a graduation party for her in MY backyard this weekend. It hurts so badly. I am happy for him, but I am soooo unhappy for me.

It hurts to look around and see the love. All the love that people have for each other. All the security. All the committment. All the things I so desperately want. I live in yuppieville suburbia. It's all around me. I can't even bear to go outside my front door sometimes.

My neighbor across the street is the person who fixed me up with FF. She has seen us together off and on over the years. I have shared some of the drama with her... but not all of it. She asks every so often how things are between us and depending on the day, I tell her. I don't want to tell her the truth. I am so humiliated. In the midst of suburbia, I can't even maintain a "friendship" with a man.

He has completely shut me out right now, like I am some sort of stalker. It is humiliating. I confronted him with some of my thoughts and feelings last week (I said that I knew who he had been seeing... that it was o.k. and that I just wanted him to admit it so that we could get the truth out into the open and salvage our friendship). He dodged the question (as usual) and I called him a coward. He blew up at me. Told me to "never contact him again. NO-ONE calls him a coward! He is sick of my belittling him... of my sarcastic remarks... that I should move on with my life like I keep saying I am and leave him the f*ck alone". He said don't call. Don't text. He will not respond... and he hasn't. He is ignoring me!!! I am not begging for him to be with me!! I was asking to be HEARD! I wanted to have a relationship based in honesty. I didn't think that was unreasonable... but he has made me feel completely insane! I know it's not me. I know that he has turned the tables to make me be the villain so that he can move on with his life without any guilt... but it is so frustrating to be shut out like that.

I need to be honest. I did the drunken text msg thing last night. I KNOWWWW! I was doing so well! I was out with my friends (one was the neighbor that set us up). They asked about him... as usual. Well... I sent a tm saying "I'm out with K & D... They asked how you are. I don't know what to tell them. How are you?" He responded "Fine".

Well, that set me off. I sent a barrage of msgs... one word? Fine? Huh? He hates me that much? What the h*ll did I do so badly to be treated like such a parasite??? It's insanity. I know it's not MY insanity... but I just want to make it right. Make things better. I can't. It's out of my hands. I need to let it go... but how do I go about my day, my life, when I feel so badly on the inside? When I feel like the parasite that I have turned myself into???

Would talking to him make it right? Could there be a conversation that would make this all okay? Would the TRUTH set me free? I don't know! I feel like it would. I want so badly to be free of this. To be open, happy and content. I am a mess!

Tra, I'm sorry that things have deteriorated with the boy. I hope you'll talk about it when you're ready. I'm a mess, but I'm here for you!

((((((Veg)))))), I'm so glad you wrote to me. I have missed you. I saw some of your postings on the NC thread but I have not been able to post there because of my own silly reasons. I've been paralyzed with confusion and doubt. I'm sorry I dropped out on you. The last I read, D was persuing you relentlessly? What happened? How do things stand right now?

TC

June 2, 2007
11:50 pm
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veggiemom
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Hi TC, I know it is driving you insane that HE is ignoring YOU, that he has the upper hand and is the one in control at the moment, but you know that even if he was open to talking with you, there isn't anything you can say that is going to make it better, or smooth things out so you have closure, or end on a good note.

He will never tell you what you want to hear, even if it is "I love you but we don't work together. We need to go our separate ways." He won't do that because he is AFRAID of letting go of YOU. He NEEDS the game to continue to make himself feel secure. The only way it will stop is if YOU stop it. Otherwise it will go on forever, just like it will with me and D unless I somehow get the strength to walk away and not look back.

And WHEN we do that, these guys aren't going to stop what they do. They will just move on to other women who are as unhealthy as we are (at the moment). They will find others who will play the game and continue on with their selfish, hurtful, narcissistic behavior.

My therapist told me(as you might imagine she knows every detail of my saga with him) these types of men rarely change, rarely get to a point of regretting their behavior, of truly being sorry that they hurt another person/people so deeply and repeatedly! Scary and sad.

If you're like me, you have the thought (hope?) that someday he will look back and regret letting you go. If FF is like D, he will somehow NEVER see or admit any wrongdoing on his part, will convince himself that you were the one with the issues. Blech.

Anyway....thanks for asking about me and excuse me while I intrude on your thread to tell my latest....

Yes, he was pursuing me like crazy, texts and calls and leaving notes on my door...I was trying so hard to maintain no contact. The one that got me was the note that said "PLEASE call me. I know what you want and I want it too. I want you and your kids to move in with me. I want to come home to you every night, to be with you forever as we were intended to be."

After that I got sucked back in. I thought I was being careful and covering myself. I made my expectations crystal clear. That I could NOT be his buddy and watch the other women come and go. That if he really wanted me in his life I needed a commitment from him. And oh, he was so agreeable! Yes, I would be his girlfriend, he would not be dating or looking anymore. He would accept and include my kids in his/our everyday life (no he had NOT done that up to this point). That this was a permanent thing (as permanent as any relationship can be...I'm not naiive enough to believe there's a guarantee on anything),that we were planning on building a future together, that he wasn't going to reneg a week down the road,blah blah blah. I wanted to lay it all out there so he couldn't come back later and say "that wasn't part of the deal". He agreed to everything, told me he knew he had to earn my trust because there had been so many lies (nothing BUT lies!) over the 2 years. Told me he was prepared to deal with that and build our relationship, that he hated me not being in his life, wanted me, needed me, loved me.

Well, as you know, it didn't last. Wasn't even a week before he started backpedaling saying subtle shit like "yes, you are my girlfriend right now". Right now! Nice.

I expected that as his "girlfriend" we would at least touch base every day, if not see each other. Not what he considered being a couple. "We don't have to talk EVERY day!" He went to a family function and I was not invited. I have been to Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas countless times (remember we dated for 6 years when we were younger) at his parent's home, and now, nope, not part of the deal.

I was getting really confused about what a committed relationship outside of marriage was supposed to look like. Questioning whether I was being too demanding, expecting more than a "normal" woman would from her "boyfriend"...

The whole time (like I said, less than 2 weeks), in the back of my mind, I KNEW he didn't really want me the way I have been wanting for so long. Knew I had been duped again big time. But didn't want to say anything or question him because (lame!)I didn't want him to change his mind!

On Thursday I didn't hear from him at all until 9pm. Asked what he had been doing since he got off work at 3. He said he had been with his parents. I tried to bite my tongue, but he had told me that line 3 times last week, when I asked what he had been up to, that he was with his parents. When I asked why, he blew up, and I said "you KNOW I am going to wonder, I am so used to being lied to! If it's the truth that you were with your parents can you please just reassure me? It is going to be awhile before I don't wonder if you are lying all the time. If can't handle it, then this isn't going to work."

His response? "Fine. Forget it then." I told him that if he was breaking it off it was really the end for good, that I had promised myself this was the last chance for us. His response? "OK".

I haven't heard from him since that. I am going crazy. I sent him a text and he didn't respond. I know his pattern. We have been through this time and time again. Either he's with another woman on the weekend, or he's calling and texting trying to get me to come over. I have been called crazy so many times for accusing him of being with other women, but I have been proven right every time.

So, two weeks ago he was proclaiming his love, wanting me to move in (which was never brought up again after the note, by the way),claiming to be ready to commit. And now, most likely spending the weekend charming some other woman. At the very least, not calling or attempting to reach me.

I am sorry....that got way too long. But that's the update. I know it would drive me insane, but I hope he does stay away and not start the relentless pursuing again. Because if he stays away, I will not pursue him, and eventually I know I will be able to move on and get over him.

If he starts up with the charm again, even after everything, at this point I don't think I am strong enough to say goodbye for good.

I am so confused and it should all be so straightforward and simple and crystal clear. I feel like a moron, like a high-school girl, an idiot. Who puts up with this crap, this hurt, time and time again? How can I continue to believe his crap over and over. He doesn't even have to TRY to prove himself to me. He just SAYS what I want to hear and I blindly follow. I am like a shell of a person or something, no freaking mind of my own.

Oh TC, I am so sorry for going on and on.....I think I got ya beat on the long post.

Please let me/us know the latest with you. I truly care about how you are doing and I am here for you. Don't know if I'm any help at all with my "me,me,me" posts, but I am here and I care.

Hope your weekend is going well. Hope you were able to enjoy your night out with the girls in spite of the drunk texting. I have had to give my friends the phone when I am out with them for this very reason!

Take care of yourself and I look forward to hearing from you.

Veg 🙂

June 3, 2007
10:24 am
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Oh, Veg!!! I am soooo sorry that D did that to you again! Wow! He really pulled out all the stops that last time, didn't he?? That was truly the actions of a desperate man! He needed you in his life so badly that he was willing to say anything!!! Anything! Make promises he had no intention of keeping???? Or did he? When he said those things, did he really intend to make them happen? Guess it doesn't matter, right? He got scared again and ran away... like a little cowardly baby! These guys are so lame, Veg. They are so lame and so damn predictable. Oh My Gosh!!!! I have gotten that "Fine, Forget it then" answer so many times that I can't even count!!!! It's the weak, cowardly answer of a frightened QUITTER. I don't want to be with someone that quits on me that easily. I want to be with someone that would walk through the fires of Hell for me and WITH me! Don't you?

We are too good for them. We know that. We lay out our "conditions" to them. They agree at first and then... BAM!!! "Something" changes. They get spooked or a pretty face catches their eye and they have the opportunity for some EASY, no-strings-attached fun. A chance to be with someone that is not going to have any expectations of them. Someone who is going to blindly believe them... not question their intentions, their excuses, their LIES! They want life to be EASY. Well, it's just not! It's hard to maintain a good relationship. It takes work on both sides. You and I are willing to do that work, but they are not. Soooo... where do we go with that? Nowhere. It can't work. We know that. We are not stupid!!!! I soooo understand what you were saying about feeling like a moron! I have felt that way more times than not over the past 2 years! It's amazing!

Although I don't want to be with FF any longer, I have been holding out for a proper goodbye. A mature, responsible, kind, apologetic, sincere goodbye. I have been beating my head against the wall trying to get it. Thinking that I CAN'T move on with my life without it... but I can. I should. I must. You are right. I will never get that from him. It's sad. But true.

Yesterday, something happened to me. I was getting ready to go hang out at my next door neighbor's pool. They were gone away for the weekend and said I could use the pool while they were gone. The children are gone with their Dad so my plan was to go over ALONE and float around the pool and do some reading. I had a couple of smut magazines and catalogues to go through. On my way over... I stoppeed into my Mom's to tell her where I'd be (she lives in an in-law apartment attached to my house). She said "I have a book that a woman at work gave to me if you're interested in reading it."... The book was "The Secret" and it was something that I had been thinking about for quite a while. I wanted to read it. I was very interested in the laws of attraction and the way we could change our lives by changing our thoughts, etc. I had seen it on Oprah and I had procrastinated buying the book, but it was always in the back of my mind. So, yesterday... there it was! The Universe had brought the book to ME!!!

At a time when I needed hope the most... there was my answer. There was the Secret. It was amazing to me, really. I've gotten through almost 2/3 of the book and I will tell you that I am so happy right now. I feel empowered and I feel that anything is possible.

Basically, the book says that we can change our lives by changing our THINKING. We can think things into existence. Our minds are like magnets to the Universe and we can have anything we desire as long as we want it bad enough, think it and feel it!

If we spend too much time thinking "I am such a loser. Nothing good ever happens to me. I will never have love in my life. I will always be in debt." THAT is what we are calling to ourselves. We are creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Without going into too much detail... We need to STOP the negative thoughts when they start and replace them with positive ones. Thoughts of abundance, joy, success, wealth, love, gratitude... and that is what we will call to ourselves.

I have spent the last 24 hours replacing my negative thoughts with positive ones. It's amazing how many times during the day that a negative, sad, "poor me" thought creeps in and threatens to destroy my serenity. But it doesn't have to. I CAN change my thinking. I don't have to be a victim of my circumstances. I don't have to suffer because of my past choices. I CAN make things different.

I sound like a paid advertisement for this book, Don't I???? I know. Sorry. I just feel really strongly that WE can make our lives different. All of us.

I figure, what do I have to lose? Nothing and I have everything to gain, right? The book is called "The Secret" and it was written by Rhonda Byrne. I highly recommend it!!

It can't hurt, right? I am starting NOW. No more wallowing. It's time to make my life what I want it to be!! No-one can do it for me. The power is within me... Remember, Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz? She had the power to go home all along. She just didn't know it!!!!! She didn't believe in herself. She looked to the Wizard!!! He was a fake! He was an illusion. Just like D and FF! They aren't the answer either! They are fakes... We need to see them for what they are. Illusions of what we want them to be. They don't have any power over us!!!! We must take that power back and use it for US!

Are you with me???

TC

June 3, 2007
11:26 am
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Hi TC,

The Secret is the same principle that Dr. Wayne Dyer uses as a basis for most of his talks. It's the Universal Law of Attraction. I believe in it. I do believe that everything is energy; and what you put out there you attract. If we start with the "words" (the positive thoughts) we will eventually believe it. I bought the Secret, and read it in one night. If you are interested in that principle, I would recommend the book by Wayne Dyer: The Power of Intention. It goes into much more detail than Rhonda Byrne.

So glad you've made up your mind to do this and to move away from FF. I'll chat with you later, I'm playing in a golf tournament today. I intend to win the longest drive contest!

(((((tc)))))

June 3, 2007
2:43 pm
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TC,

You sound amazing today!! I am so happy for your newfound way of thinking.

I haven't read "The Secret" yet. I have read some of Dr. Wayne Dyers books. None of them contain anything 'magical' but they do help you put things in perspective.

Attitude is everything. And it's the right kind of thinking that gives you a great attitude. So many of us, me included, are guilty of that wallowing you were talking about. We spend so much of our time thinking about how miserable we are and how unhappy we are with life, that we literally imprison ourselves.

We give others so much power over our happiness, that when they fail to provide us with what we want, we fall apart. We need to take that power back and make it our own. Only WE are responsible for our happiness. And like love, happiness is a decision. It isn't something that happens to us. It's something we create within us. Even in the worst of circumstances, we can choose to be happy. Yes, we will all have our moments of weakness and go back to our miserable selves, but we can always decide to pull ourselves back up and start anew. It's all about how and what we think about.

Just recently, I made the decision to be grateful for what I have, to be content, and to accept others just as they are without trying to change them or coerce them into anything. And you know what? I have been so much happier since putting that into effect. And I know I'm much more pleasant to be around. It is essentially what I have been searching for all along. And it is so simple. The trick is making the committment to yourself to be this way and then doing your best to follow through. It isn't a mind game or something that "happens" to you. It is just a decision to learn to enjoy this life and live it moment by moment.

June 5, 2007
1:40 am
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Hi TC,
I watched The Secret DVD a few months ago. My brother had it and had been transformed by it and kept insisting I see it. I felt the same way you feel now. It was an amazing concept, and made me realize the power that I have to control what happens in my life.

After seeing it, for maybe a week, I was actually UNABLE to look at things the same way I had been. It was impossible! I know you must know what I mean. But it wasn't long before the old habitual ways of thinking set back in and I completely forgot about how empowered I had felt at first.

I will borrow it from my brother and watch it again. Tonight I am too tired, sad, beaten down to say that I think it will make a difference, but I know I will feel better after I get some sleep and I do remember how amazing it was the first time I saw it. So I know I have the ability to expand on that, to make it a priority to change my thinking.

Thanks for reminding me about The Secret. I am unable to muster up the same enthusiasm you have right now (I am HAPPY for you though!!)but yes, I am with you.

I will check in tomorrow. Hope you are doing well.

xoxo
Veg

June 5, 2007
2:35 pm
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Hey everyone...

Since I started living my life based on the principals written in "The Secret"... I was promoted at my job, won 1 million dollars in the lottery, met a tall dark handsome stranger, who turned out to be the man of my dreams... lost 20 lbs... and found the cure to Cancer!!!!

Can you believe it????? Nah, me neither!! I guess I went too far with the curing Cancer part, huh?

All kidding aside, I am still doing my very best to remain positive, live in the moment and keep my eyes/thoughts on the "prize". I have a list of goals I want to acheive and I feel quite confident that all of them are within my reach. As long as I don't let the old stinking way of thinking get in my way! It's so hard sometimes!!! It's amazing how one little thing in my day can happen and bring me straight DOWN! I've been aware of it and have been able (so far) to talk myself out of the funk.

Loralei, I understand what you mean about being able to accept people for what they are and not try to change them. That's a HUGE ONE with me! I'm learning, though. Just because FF does not want the same things as me, does not make him WRONG. Just because he doesn't love me in the same way I love him, doesn't mean he doesn't love me at all. It doesn't always have to be black and white... or my way or the highway! It's a tough pill to swallow because I never really viewed myself as a "know-it-all" but I guess I am, a little bit.

Veg... I hope you will watch the DVD again... just to give you a little boost. It sucks to feel sad, stuck and hopeless. I KNOW! What is going on with D? Anything new???

I met with FF last night to talk. We actually had a very good (adult) conversation. He opened up to me a lot about his feelings and I shared my thoughts with him. There was no anger. There was no finger pointing. Basically, what came out of it was this... We are very different people, with different needs, with different life goals. I have goals that include my children and my "partner". He has goals that include HIMSELF. That is basically the biggest different between us. We love each other, but without a commitment to the same goals, we know that we will never be together.

He has said many contradictory things in the past. Things that gave me HOPE...things that made me question my reality... things that made me feel as if he were a mean, vindictive, cruel human being. I now see him for what he really is. Not a bad person. Just a very confused, troubled lost soul.

I know that it's over and I'm actually ok with it. I cannot save a lost soul that it not LOOKING to be saved! The way he lives his life is HIS choice. Not mine. It's so hard to let go of the control when you SEE a way for someone to be happy! You can see it, touch it, feel it yet they refuse to follow your lead. Frustrating. But, as frustrating and sad as it is, it's not within my control to change.

I am happy that I got the opportunity to speak my mind. I'm glad that I had the chance to let go with love and not with anger, bitterness and hate.

That's really all I wanted. To be HEARD. To be understood. I feel that we HEARD each other... as I realized I was just as guilty of not listening as he was!!! He wasn't saying what I wanted to hear, so I dismissed his thoughts as "stupid". Not very nice.

I know that there is someone out there for me. I know I will find love when the time is right. I'm positive of it...

But, until then... I'll do my best to remain positive and not fall back down into that pitty pit I was in last week.

TC

June 6, 2007
10:57 am
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I got this in an e-mail today and needed to share it!! It's very funny. It definitely highlights the differences between men and women...

WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do
more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to
'how big is my behind?'

I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very
best friend.
>
>
>
MAN'S POEM

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor
store and a golf course. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

June 6, 2007
11:25 am
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Hahahahahahaha, TC. I love it! Have to keep this one.

SD

June 6, 2007
11:35 am
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feelingfree
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OMG TC- that was CLASSIC!!!
LOL!

June 6, 2007
11:42 am
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that is cute.

TC - I remember when I woke up to the fact that I don't always have to be right or have it my way.

For so long, I tried to RAM the square peg into the round hole.

I found a guy who was attractive enough, who said they liked me...and that's all I needed.

From there, I tried to make him "fit" into what I needed. And often, he couldn't....well, never anyway.

Most of these guys WANTED to...but didn't have it in them to change.

I always thought it was about me, that they didn't care enough to do it.

But then I realized it had nothing to do with me...these guys just weren't what I needed....didn't have the qualities.

and that it was OK. that maybe it didn't make them a bad person.

what it helped me with was the anger "how could she be so happy with him when I wasn't".

it helped me understand that maybe her needs were different and her values different and her requirements different...and that they matched what he was offering. Gosh, sorry for her...cuz in my mind he was not "enough"...but hey, that's not my problem. If she's happy, so be it.

Anyway, when I realized that it was "ok" for them to be who they are....just not in my life....it was easier to let go....to stop trying to fit them into my mould of what should be.

And of course, I have known all along that I am a know it all....and that sometimes I don't listen either.

Cuz in the end, I only want what I want...and that is for it to all "fit".

Now I have someone that is smart, good looking, strong, who has a decent job, who buys me lunch every day happily, who holds the door, opens the car door for me, who rubs my back and legs and massages cocoa butter into my expanding belly...who makes sure my needs are taken care of....who says he loves my big behind...and who is becoming my best friend more and more each day. I feel like I hit the lottery!

The right one is out there...you gotta be patient for it tho...and not piss away your time trying to fit the WRONG ones into the mould.

June 7, 2007
3:07 pm
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Well said, Rising.

Not a bad person, just not the person for you.

That's it, in a nutshell....

Well, TC, you've heard me talk about eating worms...one must do that every now and then. So, if a pity party is on the agenda, I'll bring the Moet.

In the meantime, in between-time, I'm glad you had the chance for a chat and some closure. Feels good, doesn't it?

I've had these same chances over the past month or so with my exN. He's been delightful. What I know, now, is that I don't want to be back with him, but I do want him as a friend in my life. Never thought I'd ever say that, but there it is.

H-gal

P.S. I LOVE the poem...copied it for future reference!

June 7, 2007
6:44 pm
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TC how are you doing? I have thought of you. I know you are the type of person that needs and likes to be heard. I know that feeling. So I wanted to let you know, even if I don't say much or have not posted, I think of you.

June 7, 2007
8:28 pm
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Thanks for the support! I'm glad you guys still drop by to check on me.

I'm doing fine. I'm leveling off from the "high" I was on after the weekend of reading. Now, I'm just back to my old grumpy, negative, exhausted self!

I feel like I'm having a crash of emotions, sort of. Like I had all of these revelations and everything seemed so clear and NOW, it's all still clear to me, but instead of being happy about my current circumstances... I'm finding that they really SUCK! Not very empowering, I KNOW!

I watched a movie with the kids' last night. "Raising Helen". It was about a woman who is left with her sisters 3 children after she and her husband die in a car accident. It was a sad premise, but of course in true Hollywood style, it all worked out. The children adjusted to the deaths of their parents at lightening speed and Kate Hudson (who was previously a single, self-absorbed, wild woman) became a perfect mother figure. She found the man of her dreams who loved the children and they formed the most perfect, loving family unit ever! There were so many sticky sweet moments in it that I wanted to vomit!

I've gone completely 180 from where I was just a few days ago, huh??? I'm going to get back into reading again tonight. I don't like feeling jaded and hopeless. I guess I'm just tired... maybe a good night's sleep will leave me feeling re-charged.

I'm fine, really. Just blah!

On a happier note, I'm busy planning our trip to New York City. I'm looking into some nice 4 star Hotels and tickets to see the Broadway production of Grease. This will be our only trip this summer, so I want to make it a good one. So far, it's coming together nicely. We'll drive instead of flying to save some cash... and then we'll be able to have some extra spending money in the Big Apple. I've never been so I'm really looking forward to it!

That's all for me.

H-gal, I know what you mean about wanting your ex in your life as a friend forever. I feel that way about FF. I really do love him and hope we can eventually be the best of friends, but right now, it's too hard. I think it'll be easier to be his friend when I am busy playing Hide The Sausage with someone else!!! I'm kidding. That was crude, wasn't it???? Sorry, but you know what I mean, right?? 😉

Loralei, What's been going on with you??? Are you still involved with your ex-bf???

Veggiemom, I hope you are doing o.k. I'd love to hear from you when you are ready.

Taj, Anything new or exciting in your life??

Rising, I'm glad that your life is turning into the life that you've dreamed of and that you've found your soul-mate.

I know that it will happen for me someday too, but I'm just not interested in looking for it right now. If someone should happen to "find me", then fine... otherwise, I'm content with being a Mom right now. I'll leave it up to the Universe...

Gotta go read. I'm losing my moxie!!

TC

June 7, 2007
10:59 pm
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Hi TC
Guess I'm having my own pity party right now. Since the last "D" update, It's been the usual back and forth again. When will I learn. Just last night he told me "I love you more than any woman I have ever been with, including my ex-wife. There's just something between us, we cannot stay apart."

Then, today, I ask him what we're doing tomorrow. Earlier in the week he said we would spend the weekend together since I don't have the kids.
His response? "Well T (his buddy) is coming over and we're gonna work on the car and maybe go out after that so maybe we can do something Saturday."

When I reminded him he said we were spending the weekend together, he claimed to have forgotten us agreeing to that. I told him to just forget it I would find my own things to do. We were texting this conversation, it was about 6 hours ago and I haven't heard a word since.

I am so so so so sick of it. I so want to just be able to stop now and never see him again. That's what's in my head at the moment: that I am going to stop responding to him and just start NC again, hopefully for good this time.

Is that wrong? Immature? To just cut off contact without giving him the "Im done" speech for the 500th time? I don't know what to do anymore.

This sounds maybe a little "stalkerish" and psycho, but I can tell by his patterns of calling/texting and when he has wanted to see me over the last couple of weeks that there is another woman in the picture. I just know the signs. Of course he says I am crazy, making it up in my head, the usual, but I CAN TELL!!! I've been down the road enough times to know.

Anyway, I am sinking into my depression again. Stupid stupid me giving him my power, letting his asshole actions control how I feel.

TC you say you want to be friends with FF? I cannot imagine EVER being able to or wanting to have that with D. That's what he wants, for me to be his cool, fun buddy,to have no problem hearing about his other women...but I CANT!!! I cant do it and he has nothing more to offer me and I feel so stuck and i so bad want out of this I am so MISERABLE!!!!! Every freaking day I am miserable. Why is this not enough? Why can't I be like a normal woman who would have said "see ya!" so long ago????

Sorry...like I said, pity party. I am so frustrated with how freaking STUCK and out of control I feel. I KNOW it's up to ME to change things, I KNOW he wont' ever offer what I want from him, I KNOW I am wasting my precious life chasing this guy who will never be faithful or honest. I know all that and still I cling to the little crumbs he throws me, giving them more weight than all the other evidence i have that it's all a bunch of shit.

But there it is, in the back of my head, the little voice "he does love you. He does care about you. He will always love you. You need to lower your expectations, not be so jealous, relax, just be fun! Then he will want you!"

Geeze, I got a little emotional there. I am having a hard time. Having the freaking suicidal thoughts again, if I can't stop this, if I'm going to keep myself miserable, if I feel powerless to make the changes, if I am screwing up my kids by forever obsessing about D, what is even the point of going on? I do not want to live in this much pain forever and I do not know how to stop. I am like a freaking heroin addict.

Thanks as always for listening. I know you're having your own tough time right now. I wish I had the right words to say but obviously I am the wrong person to be giving advice.

Veg

June 8, 2007
9:37 am
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Oh, Veg!!! I feel so bad for what you are going through!! I understand TOTALLY how you feel! He LOVES you!!! He loves you MORE than anyone EVER in the world, in his whole entire life! THAT means something, right??? Love should conquer all!? Right? That's how the movies end, that's how all of the songs go and every single fairy tale I've read, ended THAT way! So, WHY can't life be like that????

Well... Let's see? If he "loves" you more than anyone in his life, then WHY is he NOT WITH YOU??? Why is he not giving up all other women for you?? Why is he not putting YOUR feelings ahead of all other things??? He KNOWS how badly he hurts you. He knows that you cry. He knows that you are lonely. He knows that you want him to commit to you. He is hurting the one person he claims to love the most??? WHY??? If he truly loved you, he would want you to have what you want in your life. He would admit that he cannot give that to you and let you go. He'd let himself miss you and hurt in your absence in order to make YOU happy. That is what real love is!

This is something I struggle with. The WORD. The word "love". I guess it means different things to different people. Maybe ask him what that word means to HIM. Perhaps you'd get a better vision of what your place in his life is. Just because love means commitment, security, fidelity, honesty, compassion and passion to us... doesn't mean it means all of those things to someone else.

I wish that you wouldn't beat yourself up so much about falling for him over and over again. I know how hard it is when THAT word is thrown out there. It clouds everything else over. NOTHING else matters because LOVE IS EVERYTHING! Right? It's "What makes the world go 'round". "Love is all you need". "Love can move mountains". "Love is the answer". Blah, blah, blah! I could go on and on!!!

What we need to do is decide what "version" of the word we want to accept into our lives. Do you want HIS version of love, or do you want your own???

Then, whatever that answer is... IS YOUR ANSWER. I think you know the answer already. I know that you can't be "fun" when you are with him to make him want to be with you more! I don't work that way either. I can't be a circus clown to entertain him. I am human. I have feelings and needs. I will NOT pretend to be someone else in hopes that he will love me MORE. I won't do it. Neither should you, Veg.

My advice? Talk to him about what love means. Get some real answers from him and make YOUR decision. Don't let HIM determine what you will do with the rest of your life. It is in YOUR hands. Believe that!

I gotta run right now... But I'll be back. Keep writing, ok?

Love ya,

TC

June 8, 2007
12:22 pm
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TC, I know all about the crash of emotions you are talking about. Those highs don't last. It's the same as going to any kind of self-improvement seminar and you get all hyped up about something. Then you get back home and the excitement is gone. It's like we need a continous cheerleading section giving us pep talks to keep us motivated. Maybe it's a matter of trying to change ourselves overnight instead of doing one small step at a time, that screws us up.

Last week, I was walking on air and I was positive and optimistic and content with life, etc. Then Monday my boyfriend (my exbf) did something that was actually rather minor, but it really hurt my feelings. It was more of a misunderstanding/miscommunication kind of thing, but it pushed my buttons and made me over-react as usual. I guess it brought me back down to reality and I'm having to acknowledge the temporary nature of our relationship. I know it will never be the way I want it to be. So I'm back to soul-searching and trying to accept the inevitable demise that I know will come before too long. As difficult as it is to go through again, in some respects it's making it a little easier to accept this go-round. I think that is because my rose-colored glasses are off and I'm now able to see him as he really is. I love him, but my dream of us is crumbling as I realize that living with him would not be an easy thing to do.

TC, regarding your statement of wanting to be best of friends with FF forever, just know that if you do that, it will likely keep you from ever finding the love relationship that you seek. And if you do find the man of your dreams, your friendship with FF will interfere with it. Like Rising said in another thread, "I realized in order to give him what he deserved, I had to close the book on the past." Speaking from personal experience, that statement is so very true. Hanging on to past loves totally contaminates the new relationship and is so unfair to your new partner. Lose the baggage.

Veg, listen to what TC said to you. Love is not enough to make a relationship. And that intuition you are having about D having another woman around ... listen to it, because we always know. They will deny it every time, but when the truth surfaces, yep, we were right on the money all along. If you suspect there is another woman involved, there is.

June 8, 2007
12:26 pm
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Hey TC... this place is so time consuming! LOL Just finally posted my update on 2b's thread. Thought I'd just let you know since you asked earlier. Too long to tell again here. LOL And now I have to catch up on you, but I'm afraid that will have to wait a little while. Already spent too much time away from work while typing up that story.

Love you girl!

turn

June 8, 2007
4:05 pm
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Hey there guys. There are some great thoughts in these threads.

TC/Veg, everyone does have different definitions of love, friendship, truthfulness, honesty. It's interesting, because I had this conversation with my counselor last month. She said it would be good for me to evaluate my definitions so that I can get clear on what I want, and see what is good for me.

Loralei, as always, there is a lot of wisdom in your post. ***Hanging on to past loves totally contaminates the new relationship and is so unfair to your new partner. Lose the baggage.***

I have a friend, John with whom I am very close. We spend a lot of time together, but there is not a physical relationship; we don't even hug. I have made it clear that I do not want that from him. But I have such an emotional relationship with him that it really does contaminate all attempts at relationships. I am working on letting go and moving away. I think there is only one way left for me to do it, and that is to completeley cut contact.

I truly believe when your heart is involved, it is too difficult to be friends. I know that many at this site would disagree. Friendship would only be possible after the passing of some time.--2b

June 11, 2007
2:04 pm
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I'm feeling down today. I'm feeling tired, lazy, unmotivated and sad. I know that I need to change my thinking so that I can change my life, blah, blah, blah... but I just feel bad... AND I feel bad about feeling bad!!!! This "Secret" thing just gave me another thing to feel guilty about in my life. Ugh!

Tra, I read your update on the Boy. He is definitely living up to that name, isn't he??? It is so typical for these guys to take ONE instance where we did not act like calm, rational human beings and totally use it against us! They use our moment of weakness as a justification for not being able to talk to us because WE are unstable!! They know it's not true! They do! They are just too afraid to talk to us and they are too cowardly to admit that! I am so tired of that sort of behavior. Grow up, boys!!

Being ignored! Isn't that the absolute worst?? It sends the message that you are so worthless that you do not even deserve to be acknowledged, much less responded to! Can you just picture them... looking at their phone while you are calling and then just going about their day???? KNOWING how much you need to speak to them. How badly you need to clear the air!! They don't care. I guess that's the bottom line, isn't it? They don't care. It hurts.

2b, What is happening with you and your friend, John? Status quo?

Veggiemom!!! Where are you???? Please come back and talk!

TC

June 11, 2007
2:21 pm
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Loralei,

Thanks for the support. I know that being friends is probably never going to happen. Whenever we try to be "friends", he does something to add a level of confusion to the friendship... like he'll kiss me goodnight. Not on the cheek like you'd kiss a friend but on the lips with tongue like you'd kiss a lover. I'll be honest with you. He kissed me like that last week when I had my "closure" conversation. It messes with my head, for sure. I tried not to keep replaying the conversation and the kiss over and over in my head. I tried not to analyze it or dissect it, but I can't help it. The best and only thing for me to do is stay far away from him. It makes me angry because I think I could be his friend if he'd stop with the mixed messages. Not gonna happen so I guess it's pointless to talk about.

Anyway, I was wondering about your relationship with your bf... You said that your relationship with him is temporary and you know it could never work out between you. Why is that? Why would living with him be too difficult? Just wondering...

TC

June 11, 2007
2:27 pm
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turnabout
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TC, so sorry you're feeling low today. These highs and lows are killers, aren't they? I'm feeling pretty low, too. One more person to join in and we can have a verifiable pity party. I'm all for it. I'm not going to fight feeling bad, I just do. And I don't think you should fight it either by guilting yourself over it. We've been let down, doggone it! I mean, it's not as if life is over as we know it. We're strong, sensible women. We know in our heads that our lives will go on and even get better without those lugs holding us back....

But it just doesn't change the fact that someone we love so deeply wasn't there for us when we needed them, no matter what we did or how hard we tried. What would it make of us if we couldn't feel sadness over that.

Oh, I'm definitely still grieving. Then I'll get tough and say, "Screw him!" and go about my business. Then I'll hurt and cry and grieve again. So, I'm having a grief day today. I know it won't last, so I can let myself have it and wallow in it a little bit.

Come on in! The wallowing's fine!!

June 11, 2007
2:36 pm
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turnabout
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Nice song I discovered this weekend. Artist's name is Brandon Heath. I think I can say I feel this way about J_ now. Working to feel that way towards the Boy.

I'm Not Who I Was

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was
I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I'm not who I was

I found my way around
To forgiving you
Some time ago
But I never got to tell you so

I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know, I'm not who I was
You were there, you were right above me
And I wonder if you ever loved me
Just for who I was

When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you

I reckon it's a funny thing
I figured out I can sing
Now I'm not who I was
I write about love and such
Maybe 'cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was

I was thinking maybe I
I should let you know
I am not the same
But I never did forget your name
Hello

Well the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was

June 11, 2007
2:37 pm
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turnabout
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Shoot. Didn't mean to underline the WHOLE SONG! ugh.

June 11, 2007
2:49 pm
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turnabout
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You know, I was thinking about the "friend thing" with the Boy recently, TC. The big question on my mind was why he found it so hard to be a friend to me when I truly think he cares on some level and really does want friendship. And I thought about how he said during our last conversation and I pointed out how I have issued him impromptu invitations to hang out with a group of people, but he hasn't reached out to include me in anything that he was afraid of sending the wrong signals.

What wrong signals?!! What wrong signals are there to send?!! If you want a particular kind of relationship with a person, you just behave consistently with your desires. The relationship will take care of itself. Boundaries will take care of themselves.

And then I thought that it seems so clear and uncomplicated to me because my own desires are clear and uncomplicated. Therefore, I'M not afraid of doing anything that will send a wrong message. I'm acting on my feelings, so it comes easy for me. But these guys, like Boy and FF, they don't trust their own feelings, so of course they don't trust their own behavior either. Boy is afraid of sending me the wrong signals, so he avoids me, which in itself is sending me MIXED SIGNALS!! UGHHHHH!!!!!

It all boils down to them not knowing what they want, or giving themselves permission to want it, so they keep bouncing back and forth. It isn't that we aren't capable of being friends with them, but they can't be friends with us. And it's so sad. It just saddens me so much.

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