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TC66's Update
May 30, 2007
3:05 pm
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I decided to start an update thread for myself.. and as it stands right now, I've been staring at this empty white box for a good 15 minutes. I'll start writing and then decide it's not REALLY what I want to say. So, I'll start over... type, type, type... erase, erase, erase!!! What is wrong with me? Why can I not finish a thought? Why can't I get my feelings out of my head? I feel like I'm going to explode sometimes.

I'm tired. I'm so very tired. Sometimes I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. I don't necessarily want to die, but I don't feel like I am really living a lot of the time either.

How absolutely crazy do I sound? I KNOW! I just spaced out for another 5 minutes... What am I trying to get at? What exactly is my problem???

I feel unsettled. I feel distracted. I feel like I can't get anything done. I feel like everything I do is wrong. I feel like I can't get ahead. I can't get anywhere ON TIME. I am always a day late and a dollar short. I haven't been putting a lot of time into my relationships and then I get upset when my friends don't call me (even though I don't call them). I am upset with myself for not eating right and not working out... yet I don't do anything about it. My lawn needs fertilizer, my floors need washing, my garden needs weeding, my children need attention, my car needs servicing, I need to schedule (and PAY for) summer camps for the children... time is ticking... and I am doing NOTHING!

I have been the Queen of Denial. If I don't talk about something. It doesn't exist. I have been sad, but if I SMILE widely and laugh loudly then I'm not really sad, right??? It's all an illusion. **I am under control. I am strong. I am independent. I am a great mother. I am happy.** illusion, illusion, illusion!!!

It's not all about a "man"... I didn't think I needed one, but I don't want to be alone anymore. I want to be loved. I want to have a partner to help me with things... to stand by me when times are tough. To laugh with me, to cry with me, STAY with me!! NOT RUN when the going gets tough.

I have such deep wounds left from my Dad's suicide, my Mom's emotional distance and FF's most recent rejection that I feel totally defeated. I don't feel that I can EVER feel truly happy. I feel that I was meant to be alone. That I was meant to feel this deep, deep sadness in my soul for the rest of my life.

So, I say I WANT a companion... yet I cling on to a man that I KNOW is not the one for me. A man that cannot give me what I SAY I want... BUT, Do I really want it?? OR... do I cling on to hopeless cases as a way to stay stuck in my solitude? Do I REALLY want a partner???

Do I have what it takes to sustain a relationship?? I thought I did... but now, I am questioning everything in my life. My choices have always led me back HERE! Back to THIS PLACE! This empty, dark room... filled with nothing but my memories. Some good. Some bad. I replay conversations in my head. I relive moments in time. I try to figure out a way that things could be DIFFERENT right now. How I can make things RIGHT! How do I make things right??

Where do I begin? How do I climb out of my imaginary pit of solitude. How can I feel so very alone, while I am surrounded by people who think I am "fine"?? I feel such shame for my feelings. I have so much to be thankful for and I am... but I am also sad...

Sorry for the rant. I don't think this post really has a point. I just needed to start to purge some of this stuff out of my head. Blah!!!

Thanks for listening.

TC

May 30, 2007
3:19 pm
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Hi Tc:

I'm so glad you wrote this because we have both been around for awhile but I didn't really know your story- only the FF part.

From what I know of you, you are a very smart gal, have a great sense of humor, have great insight and are a sweet and senitive person, and a good friend to the people here.

I am sort of in the same boat as you- wondering if I can ever EVER have a normal lasting relationship, questioning myself etc. Plus I've cut back on work simply because I am not motivated in the least.

I didn't realize that you and FF were finally done. That leaves a hole that is hard to fill, but you will with time. Its the nature of life. I ended things with PD too, and still don't feel good about it. But I will, in time.

So- what I need to do- and I know this- and maybe it would help you to- is to set a goal. Doesn't have to be a big one- but something you would like to accomplish, somewhere you would like to go, something you would like to buy for yoursef- just something. And then work towards that. A baby step or two just might get you moving in the right direction.

And most important- be gentle with yourself. Sometimes we are our worst critics.

((((TC))))

SD

May 30, 2007
3:34 pm
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awwwwwe so sorry you are feeling down. It sounds like you are overwhelmed and stressed out. When you get so stressed out, depression can easily settle in and then it is hard to move. I know I suffer from this all the time. Being a single mom is a very hard job. YOu need something fun in your life, something just for you. Even if just a small something but something to look forward to. I too have similar experience as you, so I know what it feels like to feel shameful but I always try to turn that thought around and know it is not me but just something that happened in my life. Life is truly what you make of it so might be worth just taking a walk or taking a small risk out of rut of life and try something new. Do something you ahve been meaning to and keep doing it once you get on a roll. Once you accomplish it, you might feel relieved. Chasing an old dream won't give you a new dream. You do have what it takes for a relationship but only being in one that is right for you will you know. You've got to heal from the old one in order to be ready for the next. So you are in a rut, but it won't always be that way. What goes down, must come back up. Just be willing to take the chance to go up and not wallow too long. OK to be sad, we all get sad, life is not always a picnic. But I bet you do have good times ahead. It is not an overnight process, the little things that you can do will help. good luck, hope you feel better soon.

May 30, 2007
3:41 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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I understand your distraction...I am there myself.

All I can say is that no matter what self help stuff I did for myself, none of it "happened" until I found a prescription anti depressant that worked for me.

course, can't take it now with the pregnancy...but when I was on it, I felt the joy that everyone talked about...that eluded me...I was able to accomplish tasks...I was able to get things done in a timely manner...I was able to look forward to tomorrow and enjoy today and not get so caught up in the past.

I know about that long list of things that need doing...I am dealing with the distraction as we speak...I am really dragging at work and really don't want to be here...but resisting the urge to call out cuz of pregnancy cuz I know I will need those sick days for TRUE sick days.

meanwhile work piles up and I just make excuses why it isn't done...keep promising myself it will get done tomorrow...that I will focus tomorrow.

and tomorrow never comes.

I really don't have a solution...just wanted to let you know tha tyou are not alone.

oh bills - have money to pay them, just haven't sat to do it...need to balance check book...used to be anal and do it daily...but now that money is not an issue...I don't write thigns down, and then when it's bill paying time...I am so behind the ball that I can't get anything done...need to do checkbook first.

like I said, don't have answers, just know you aren't alone.

May 30, 2007
4:12 pm
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Hi TC...glad you posted.

Sounds like you are grieving. I think letting go of something, or even thinking about letting go can zap us of energy or take us to places where we know we won't feel very good. So we put it off. You've invested a TREMENDOUS amount of time, energy, and personal emotion in the past two years with FF. But, that happens in life when we believe in something. We invest ourselves because we're hopeful of the outcome. When the investment doesn't pay off, and we have to make a choice to leave or to stay we have to accept that we didn't get what we had hoped for, and that we gave all for NOTHING. In my situation, I felt that I had failed...again. From that point, everything in ourlives seems gray, tainted, unimportant. It is natural to question everything we do and the validity of it. Pulling weeds. Grocery shopping, paying bills. Going to work. It can all seem insignificant.

So your feelings and attachment to this situation with FF has always been reminiscent of the death of your father. Believe that you do want love, TC. I believe that...but until you can grieve, forgive, accept and try and understand your feelings about your fathers death, you may continue to find relationships that are similar to FF. I think we all want someone to take care of us in one way or another, just as we (as women) want to nurture and care for someone in a parntering way. There is nothing wrong with that...it's when we try to convince ourselves and others that we don't NEED someone that we tend to beat our heads against the wall. What we don't want is to be dependent on someone, but I think you and I have found situations where we need something from men who aren't capable of giving it to us. In my case, it was approval that I was good enough--in yours, it was that stability of love.

You are going to get through this, T. This is the worst part. You've put this off for a long time, and I understand...because it's no fun. It's no fun even leading up to this pretending that things are ok...when all the while you're buying time and holding on to hope.

I'll be back later. I've been on a bit of a sabbatical doing my own grieving.

((((((((((((tc))))))))))))))

May 30, 2007
8:30 pm
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hey tc

Wanted to check on you. Had more thoughts...and I know you're wrestling with a lot of feelings and emotions, and this is a time when no one else can really offer anything that is going to make you feel much better...but, that being said...

This will pass. You are going to be ok, you know what you NEED to do and what you WANT to do. FF can't say anything to you that's going to "fix" anything right now. Take a break from him and his drama, and let yourself do some healing. He's very selfish and insensitive, and on top of all of that, he's cruel. To be so cruel as to throw I love you's out there with no intention of following through. That's careless and destructive behavior. I hope you see this and go into self-protective mode and stay away from him. I hope the pedestal you have him on is toppled over. He has never been able to give you what you NEED or want, and he isn't going to do that now. He'll turn the tables on you and let you absorb the fall. (or the pain). I hope that you will see that no matter what face you've put forward for him--it doesn't matter. He's a person with a lot of troubles, and you've chosen to be a part of his drama and indesiciveness. I hope you take this time (as difficult as it may seem) to care for you. To invest in finding out why you have wanted to stay connected with him. I always say (and believe) time gives clarity. Take this time and distance to get some much needed clarity.

I think you are a wonderful person, TC. You've turned the situation over and over like a rubik's cube with FF. The puzzle has no solution, just confusion. Be good to yourself and give yourself what your body and mind are calling for: distance and space from FF. I hope you don't think I'm harsh; I care very much about you...and am disheartened by seeing you hurt over and over.

2b

May 30, 2007
9:51 pm
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Well, there's nothing sensible I can add to what SD, 2B, Taj and Rising said, so I'll just say that I've always found you to be the voice of reason and wisdom to ME.

I thank you for your presence here and your kindess in helping others.

Good on you!!

H-gal

P.S. I do agree with setting 1 simple goal.

May 30, 2007
11:50 pm
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Hi TC...don't know if you still remember me...it's been awhile.

When I was reading your post, I just felt such a connection with what you're going through, I had to write and tell you that I feel your pain. It sounds like you are at a place that I have been many times before and I can tell you that while right now you are feeling a lot of emotions, it will get better. You will get over FF, you will find someone new and you will be happy again!

I would take time for myself first before thinking about dating again. I know I don't take my own advice, but I'm starting to see what people are talking about when they tell me to go without a man in my life after a breakup. You need that time to reconnect with "you" and figure out what you want and don't want in a relationship.

As a side note...don't know if you have checked out the thread entitled: Wonder when the pain will stop? = very good post.

Hugs,
HSB

May 31, 2007
6:25 am
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hi TC, i too have been on this site for a while, and know all the feelings you have been going thru.

I can't add much more than what others wrote, just know you are cared about!!!! take things one day at a time and don't get overwhelmed.

Sometimes, the old saying is....love will come to you when you are NOT looking, so don't look, do the things you need to do, spend time with the kids, with friends etc....and someday the love of your life will come around.

((((hugs and support your way))))

May 31, 2007
9:46 am
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It felt so good to wake up this morning and see so many caring people taking time out of their day to talk to me! I appreciate it more than I can say. I've been feeling pretty invisible lately and the validation was very much needed.

Sd, I'm sorry about you and PD. Sometimes we try so hard to fit a square peg into a round hole that we never even consider the fact that it will just NEVER work... no matter how hard we try. No matter how many ways we twist it and turn it. It just CAN'T! That's what I'm going through right now. FF and I haven't been "officially" together for 2 years BUT we have talked a lot, seen each other on occassion and he has opened up his heart to me about things that he doesn't share with anyone else. He told me that I was the "one". He told me he loved me, missed me and thinks of me ALL THE TIME. He said that he's never loved anyone but me and knew we were meant to be together. But, we weren't. I don't live in Timbuck Two... I live down the street. What is the barrier, I wondered. It made no sense to me. I chalked it up to fear of commitment and figured that he'd work it out... or not. Either way, I thought that it didn't matter to me. He wasn't really IN my life, right? We broke up years ago, right?? So it would appear to the outside world. I guess he planned it out that way. To keep himself single and available, yet have me there for when he "needed" me.

Looking back on it, I guess I have always been his "safe place". I have been his home, so to speak. When his world seemed unmanageable, he found refuge in me. I was dependable, understanding, loving, kind and gentle with him. He "loved" me for that... but he didn't love me the way I needed him to. Not by a long shot.

I thought if I hung in there long enough, he'd get through his storms and finally come "home" for good... but it just didn't happen. He used me. Not for sex (because I haven't had sex with him for 2 years. I refused to give him that part of me without a committment)... but he used me emotionally. I thought that if I held out sexually and didn't give in to seeing him whenever he wanted to see me that I'd up the ante. I'd force him to step up and do the RIGHT thing. I was NOT going to meet him out for a drink. He was going to pick me up like a gentleman and take me out. I was NOT going to be a friend with benefits... If he was going to have sex with me, I expected that he would give up all other women and be ONLY with me. Period. No discussions. I held firmly to these boundaries and I went on with my life. I spent time with my children and friends... Went on a few really great vacations, worked around my house, got a second job that I love... did all really great things for ME, so I thought that because I was doing everything "right", that I was protecting myself from getting hurt, BUT what I didn't realize is that part of myself (my passionate, romantic, womanly, vulnerable, sexual self) was put up on a shelf. I reserved THAT part of myself for him. Not outwardly. I didn't talk about it with anyone, but it was there. It was waiting for him. All while he went along his life, dating woman after woman.... my physical self was withering into a shriveled pile of nothingness. It was an unspoken thing. I didn't dwell on it, but I felt sooooo lonely at times. At night, on the weekends when my children were gone with their Dad... I'd just lay in bed and sob. I wanted to feel arms around me so badly. It hurts to think about. It was such a private pain.

That's what I mean about the "illusion"... I smile, I laugh, I joke, I'm the life of the party, but inside (in my private moments), I feel so broken. I feel like such a phony. I watch people go on with their lives... and I feel envious... because I feel like they genuinely have what I am pretending to have. PEACE, SERENITY and JOY. Does that make sense? I hate feeling this way. I feel like such a whiner because I do have a lot to be thankful for but I still feel incomplete. It's not just about FF. That's a part of it, but not all of it.

I could go on and on about my upbringing... the abandonment of my Dad and my Mom and how uninterested she has always been in my life... how she basically ignored me, brought a strange man to live in our house without caring how I felt about him. He creeped me out. She didn't listen. I had no guidance, no rules, no boundaries, no soft place to fall. I had a roof over my head and all the material things that I could want but no love. She has never ONCE told me that she loved me. NEVER! O.K. Now I'm whining. I don't want to do that... Because of that, I tell my children I love them EVERY DAY! In the morning when they leave for school and every night when they go to bed. I don't think you can EVER hear it enough...

O.K... Sd... back to you. I agree with having goals. I have them, they just don't seem to matter too much to me. I am a very impulsive person and when I want something, I get it. When I want to go someplace, I go. I don't ever have long term goals. I always find a way to make things happen NOW... so I guess I don't find a ton of value in THINGS. You know what I mean?

My latest "goal" is taking my children to New York City in July. I promised my daughter that we could go for her birthday. She really wants to see the American Girl store (she will be turning 9... ). So, I figured that we could all go, stay in a beautiful hotel in Times Square and do the whole tourist route through NYC. I've never been there so it is something that I've always wanted to do too. I went and checked out prices and found that it will probably be a good $1500. trip (for 2 nights w/airfair, etc)... OUCH! Do I have it? Not really. I need to pay for camps for them for the summer and it must be paid up-front... BUT I promised. So, I'm going to make it happen. I'll put some on my credit card and pay it off a little at a time. My ex-h says I spoil them rotten. I know I do. But, I don't want them to think that because of MY choices (divorce) that they have to miss out on anything. That's why I took them to Disney World in October and we go to New Hampshire every summer... I am working my butt off just so that can have everything that all of their "two parent" friends have. So, THAT's a goal...

((((Taj))) Thank you for your kind words. "Chasing an old dream won't give you a new dream". Wow!!!! How true is that? I thought that because I wasn't actively "chasing" it, that I was fine. What I didn't realize is that my heart was not open for a new dream. I shut that part of myself down and would not even entertain the thought of there being a different dream out there for me. I realize now that I was sooo wrong.

Rising, Thanks for telling me that I'm not alone. Sometimes I feel so very alone, even in a crowd. I have been taking Zoloft for the past few years. I cut my dosage back because I lost my health insurance. My ex-h's company (which is also the company that let me go last year after 18 years) decided NOT to cover ex-spouses under the "family plan" any longer. So the children get to be under his health insurance but I was thrown out to the wolves. I was so scared... but I found a plan that is fairly reasonable and it begins on June 1st. I've been trying to make the Zoloft last until I could get a refill, so I've been cutting them in half... I'm sure that has something to do with my down mood. I really NEED the higher dosage to maintain my level head. It's sad, but true. I can fill my script tomorrow... so I hope to be feeling better soon.

(((((H-gal))))) (((((Camer))))) I appreciate your kind words!! I really love you all!!

HSB, Of course I remember you!!! I did read the thread "Wonder when the pain will stop". I have actually read it 4 or 5 times! It struck a chord with me and was exactly what I needed to hear today... How are you??? How is your grand-baby doing???

((((2bstrong))))) Of course I don't think you are being harsh!! You are being honest. Everything you've said is everything that I KNOW in the deepest part of my heart. It is the TRUTH. That is why I don't talk about it with anyone because I KNOW the truth. I KNOW that I was chasing my tail with FF. I just thought that because I wasn't physically intimate with him that I was "safe"... but the truth is that I gave him my heart, which is much more difficult to get over. Even though we didn't have "sex", I feel raped. Emotionally raped.

It has been 24 hours since I last attempted contact with him. I can say with certainty that I will not try again. It is not worth it. I don't want to lose respect for myself by trying to get him to HEAR me, to understand me, when he never will. He's not capable of it. I've been telling him for the past month that it is over... that I want to end things the RIGHT way... in a LOVING way. I wanted him to say "T, Even though I do love you, I can't give you what you need. I can't be the man that you want me to be. I'm sorry I have hurt you so much. You deserve better than this and I want you to have everything your heart desires. I don't want to hold you back any longer. I want you to be happy. I will think of you fondly and will never forget our times together. Goodbye". THAT's what I want... CLOSURE. Clean, crisp, end the chapter and shut the book... CLOSURE!

He can't give it to me. I've not been begging him to BE with me... I've been begging him to SAY GOODBYE to me! He won't do it. I have allowed that to give me HOPE. I have believed that he CAN'T do it because of his love for me. But, that is wrong. He can't do it because he is a coward. The closure HAS to come from within me. NOT FROM HIM! I understand that now. I don't put all of the blame on him. I have done my share of game playing with him as well... but I have done it in the name of love and with a definite goal in mind. While I think he did it for the sake of the game. If that makes sense.

I guess it doesn't matter anymore. I can't dwell on it. I must end the drama. I must REALLY move on with my life and open that closed off part of myself to someone else... When the time is right, it will come. I'm sure of it. I'm not in a rush. Actually the thought of being with someone else scares me. I'm just going to do my best to focus on the positives in my life and fake it til I make it.

By the way... yesterday, After I mowed my lawn, I went and bought my fertilizer and finally got it spread. My grass should be greener within 3 days!!! At least that's what the bag of fertilizer promised me!! We'll see. The guy's name is "Scott" who made the product, so evidently he is a MAN and we know how dependable their promises are!!!!!! Just kidding... sort of.

Gotta go to work. I'll check back later.

Thank you all for your replies!!!! It means the world to me!!

TC

May 31, 2007
9:54 am
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risingfromtheashes
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TC - I have taken my daughter to the city for her birthday too.

I always give her a choice - a special day out with me or a small party with her friends...she ALWAYS chooses a day out with me.

It invariably costs me more...but so worth it...she'll never forget it...we went to see phantom of the opera for her last birthday...we lived close enough to go in by train, so it wasn't so expensive, just a day out.

Given the trains and subway, try finding someplace on the outskirts...may save you some money instead of staying in the heart of the city....tho that is exciting all by itself.

We have also been to boston to the science museum a few times....good stuff.

the cities are so full of culture and stuff that it's a great thing to expose kids too...good and bad.

I can easily see my daughter being a city dweller when she gets older.

May 31, 2007
1:11 pm
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Hello TC, you know what you have to do here, put yourself first and foremost. Take a break from this man. He is too much for you. You deserve better than this runaround. You have a lot of wonderful qualities that I know so many people know of and admire and there is bound to be someone that you might find out there that will suit you better than firefighter. IT hurts to be emotionally strung along. But luckily for us strong type girls, we can get over it. You are single mom, raising 3 kids, which is practice at being strong. It takes practice too to keep that distance too. But like anything you learn in life the more you practice the easier the task is. You will get through this rough time. Maybe you don't feel like it now but the time will come and you will have peace and then you can entertain that thought of having a nice man in your life. I know you know that you do have to have a man in your life to be happy, that is not the question but you deserve to have it anyway. You have something to offer that just should be shared. 🙂 But for now, you must move forward and not backwards. Always remember those few little words to move forward if you feel yourself slide. You deserve the best and though it doesn't feel like it right now, you are now at least free to work on it. Take your medicine too. It should help you out.

May 31, 2007
1:37 pm
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Rising,

Believe it or not... It is less expensive to FLY from Boston to New York than it is to take the Amtrack train! I was very surprised. My first "plan" was to take the train. I figured that it would be a fun experience for the children and would save some money... but it's not so. It's actually better because we'll get there in an hour instead of 6 hours...

It's 1:00 in the afternoon and I'm feeling sad. I don't realize how much FF and I talk during the day until we CAN'T talk at all. I am going to miss our playful banter. We have so many private jokes and we laugh all the time together. I guess that's because I don't want to rock the boat by talking about anything serious, so I've allowed us to have a light/fluffy relationship. NOT what I want... and I don't want to go back to it, but I do miss him. I love him. Not in the shallow, opportunistic, selfish way he loved me... I REALLY loved him.

I will not contact him. I don't even want to. There is nothing left to say. I never thought there would come a day when I felt I had said EVERYTHING I wanted to say to him. I have always felt the need to say "one more thing..." but I don't anymore. I've said it ALL. Unfortunately, it fell on deaf ears. I never believed that there could be closure through silence... but I don't feel that there is anything more I could have done for him. For us. I have no regrets. I followed my heart and did the best I knew how and I am happy with that. told him EXACTLY what I needed from him and his response was? Silence. There is my answer, right?

It hurts... a lot. I'm surprised. I really thought I was past the worst part. The "breakup" was so hard for me. I vowed to not go back unless/until something changed and I didn't go back! I really thought that I had protected my heart from further pain. I guess not.

TC

May 31, 2007
1:42 pm
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We cross posted, Taj. Thanks!

I know I deserve better and that it will get easier... I just need to get past the worst part. This part is so hard! The withdrawal part. I never get too far past this phase when SOMETHING happens to get us back to square one. It feels good to have him in my life (in the beginning)... until I start having expectations that he cannot meet. That's when it falls apart again.

When I am hurting and I hear his voice, I forget all of the pain. It's sick, really. Can my memory REALLY be that short? Can I really forgive so easily? Do I really have that little respect for myself that I accept someone in my life that has repeatedly hurt me time and time again??? Ugh! It makes me nauseaous to think about it! I am better than that, dammit!!

May 31, 2007
1:57 pm
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TC - childbirth is painful, raising a child can be painful...but there are those wonderful moments in between...that we feel make it all worth it.

So yeah, I think relationships can be the same....and sometimes we get "good" at teaching ourselves to block the negative stuff...to forget it...so we can enjoy the good stuff.

I mentally "know" how painful childbirth was...but I don't "physically" feel it in the memory...so like a dope, I am going to try it again.

I think you know you have reached the end when you run out of things to say.

What sucks is knowing that when we DO come up with something to say, we won't have anyone to tell it to.

Not that he listened...but still knowing you could...and now can't...stinks.

keep writing...for me, it's theraputic.

May 31, 2007
2:12 pm
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taj64
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Please don't down yourself so much this way. You can forgive someone. They are not perfect either. You keep going back because you want it to work out. You gave chances and ok too many but eventually you know you would have to quit. The fear of losing someone is too painful to face. And then everything else in life comes into play, all those other losses resurface again making it that much harder to deal with.You probably will be sad for awhile but it will get better. Keep hanging in there. If I can do it so can you. I never thought I would ever make it out that dark painful corner I was in. You will make it, trust in it.

May 31, 2007
2:16 pm
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You are not a "dope" to want to have another baby! The second one is normally easier. I remember after I gave birth to my son... I couldn't even THINK about having another baby... nevermind TALK about it. The thought of it made me physically ill. It hurt so bad! I could not let go of that pain for a good 10 months... but as soon as I decided that it was worth the pain, I started trying for baby #2... who was much easier to deliver. She has been a joy from day one! God, I love them so much!!!

I was driving my son to school last week and my daughter said to me (with the most serious look on her sweet little face). "Mom? Do you ever think to yourself "Wow! I must be really OLD to have a child in Middle School?" She was totally serious!!! I said, "Well, no, sweety, I never thought of it but thanks for bringing it up!!!" She laughed.

I love moments like that. I love how they are growing to be such unique individuals. There is nothing in the world that makes me feel as good as being a Mom to those little people!

I sometimes wish I had had more children... but then I remember that I also had 3 miscarriages, so SOMEONE was trying to tell me something! Quit while you're ahead, Girlie!

So, enjoy this pregnancy Rising. The pain is so brief... when you compare it to the lifetime of joy that the child will bring you!

May 31, 2007
2:21 pm
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You're right, Taj.

I remember when I lost my job last year... I felt like the entire world was crashing down on my shoulders. Nothing else had really changed, but it FELT like everything was WRONG and TRAGIC and HOPELESS.

It's hard to maintain a sense of reality when you feel so much pain. It clouds your judgement and your perception of everything in your life. I guess identifying that is the first step in fixing it, right?

As my good friend Dr. Phil says "You cannot change what you do not acknowledge". I'm acknowledging like crazy these days... so now it's on to the hard part. The fixing!! Ugh!

May 31, 2007
2:37 pm
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Hi tc (and all)

I've been thinking about you all day. Every single cliche and anecdote has run through my mind about your situation. I have learned several things in the past two years of posting on this site and I remember when people would say them to me I wouldn't believe that I would ever feel the way that they said I would (eventually)...or thinking that I would never change my mind about someone or a situation...or believing that MY situation was different.

And it's true, each one of us has a unique situation with our loves--past and present. I do want to share some things that I think are true and that have helped me. Maybe you have said some of them to me.

These feelings you have aren't going to last forever--the grief, the obsessing, the hurt. It's part of loss and it's actually a healing process. Grief and mourning do not feel good. It sucks. A loss is a loss is a loss. Whether it's by death or by choice. There are volumes of books and articles written about things like this. There are support groups. People do survive, and you will too.

This is a time to learn something about yourself. All of this happened for a reason; your involvement with FF was NOT a waste of time, it has taught you a lot about yourself.

This is a big one...you have to TRUST. Trust that things will be ok because you're choosing to let go. BELIEVE that there are good things out there waiting for you BECAUSE you are letting this go. I believe it for you TC. I truly think (and always have) if you could let FF go that you would be amazed at how quickly things would change for you.

June 1, 2007
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48 hours (almost to the minute!) since my last contact. I am feeling anxious today. I still have no intention on making contact, but to be TOTALLY honest, I am wishing that he would contact me. Not to play games, but to be honest with me. Even though I know that I CAN have closure without the "words"... I still want the words. I want the apology. I want some sincerity. I want to feel that this person is NOT a monster. I don't want to feel that I spent 4 years of my life on an illusion. I KNOW he loved me. What I don't understand is how his fear can overshadow that love so completely!

I have seen some of his FF buddies over the past several months and each of them had said the same thing to me "T, He was different when he was with you. We were all SURE that he was ready to settle down. He still talks about you all the time. You are the one he loves. Be patient. He will do the right thing." This is a man that does not talk abougt his feelings with anyone... but he is talking about ME with his friends?? Why?? Why would he put it out there like that if he had no intention of doing the right thing?? How can he be so freaking paralyzed by fear???? How can he be so willing to take the chance of losing me forever?? Is it because he knows I won't go anywhere? Because I have always been a constant dependable fixture in his life? Ugh!!! It doesn't matter! None of it matters! I'm just trying to process it.

I don't want to spend a lot of time talking about or analyzing him. I'm just sad. I will get past it. I know I will. I have never allowed myself to get past this point... because like 2b said... It sucks!!!

TC

June 1, 2007
10:50 am
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Hi Tc...I was wondering how you were doing yesterday and last night.

I think we could "why" ourselves to death trying to figure out these men. They say one thing, yet do another. Their behaviors don't match their words. And until they are with us...running to us, spending time with us, they are just words. As my counselor says, just because they are saying these things to you doesn't mean it's the truth. If someone wants to be with you, nothing will keep them from you. It may be hard to imagine, but I console myself with that thought.

I so much understand the wish for him to contact you...you want to feel better about it all, about moving on in a "nice" way--to get some sort of closure. It's a common feeling. Why is it important to you to believe that he's not a "monster"? Is it a reflection on you and your choice to love him? You didn't/don't love the monster, TC. You loved what you had with him and what he was with you when you were together. Let him be what he is, he won't change for you or anyone. As I said, he's a troubled person.

You're going to be fine, my friend. I know it. Will be back later.

June 1, 2007
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Thanks for responding, 2b.

I feel so ridiculous that I am actually "shocked" about this outcome. How can I be surprised that he is not doing the right thing? When has he EVER done the right thing? He hasn't been honest and open with me for a very, very long time. It is so embarassing. I feel silly for loving him. I feel like I was duped. I feel like it was a bait and switch!

I sit here alone at home right now. It's very quiet and still. The children are at school. I am looking around at real, solid concrete things. The wind blowing the curtains open... the photos of my friends and family on my refrigerator... the dishes in my sink... the second hand on the clock moving around in a cirle... the socks that my daughter left on the floor. These are ALL solid, real, concrete things that I can SEE! I can reach out and touch them. I know that they are there. I can see and feel them! Emotionally, inside of myself? I don't know what is real. I don't know where the reality is/was... where the truth ends and the fantasy begins. It's all blurred. I feel so confused. Don't know if I am making sense. I feel like a crumpled up mess!

TC

I'm sorry for going on and on about this. I'm trying to process it and I think it's better that I write it all down here than try to get him to hear me!! So, please bear with me.

June 1, 2007
11:32 am
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2bstrong
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TC! Please don't be sorry for ANYTHING! You have been here for many of us when we were feeling the SAME WAY!!!!

I think aac is a very safe place to process. We should be able to express ourselves here. Our TRUE feelings and perspectives. I remember thinking how surreal it all seemed going through it with Dr. B. Just so you know, I STILL think about him. I STILL want him to call me. RS too--I want him to call me--I LIKED HIM. We don't deserve to be ignored, mislead, or treated with disrespect to our feelings and emotions, and yet, we all have--and we STILL want them to come back to us. Please don't feel bad, TC. What you are feeling is so normal. Your hopes were shot down and now you have to deal with the aftermath. IT SUCKS.

Keep writing. Put it all out there with us. God only knows I've done it.

2b

June 1, 2007
6:06 pm
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turnabout
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Hey girlfriend. Wondered what was happening with you. Sounds like a very cathartic first post here. Hugs to you for peeling back all those layers.

Recurring theme I seem to be hearing is a need to accept that, although things don't turn out the way you expect and that's disappointing, it's okay. It's okay to feel disappointed and hurt. Your kids are different from those living in a two-parent home and that can be disappointing when you wanted differently for them, but that's okay. It's okay to be disappointed and hurt that it didn't turn out like you wanted. And, I know you want to shelter your kids from being "different" in the sense that they don't have the traditional two-parent home you wanted for them, but they ARE different. And it's OKAY for them to be different. Whether you want it to or not, it DOES put certain limitations on their lives, and THAT'S okay. There's nothing wrong with limitations. Everyone grows up with something. If it weren't this, it would be something else.

When I was growing up, my Dad went for 2 years at one point without a regular job. All of our income came from odd jobs he'd get now and then, and it became dire enough that my stay-at-home, 50's era Mom went to secretarial school so she could get her first job since before she was married. I'm sure they never wanted to cause me worry over our finances, but they didn't hide it from me that our family was struggling a bit. I don't know how many times I heard, "We just can't afford it, baby," during that time. That was our reality, and I never felt any shame over it or that I somehow lacked something that other kids had. They accepted it as our reality of the time, and so I did, too. And now, I'm very appreciative of that. I never would have learned some very valuable life lessons if they'd tried protecting me from the reality of our struggles.

I get where you are in trying to accept what you won't ever get what you want from FF. I'm in same spot with Boy right now. Things have deteriorated, but I don't have time to go into it now. But I just know what you're dealing with.

Big hugs.
TraCo

June 1, 2007
9:37 pm
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veggiemom
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(((TC)))so glad to see your post. I have been wondering about you.

I read through your posts here and everyone's responses and it had me in tears at work today!

As you know, I can relate so well to every word you say. I so appreciate you putting your thoughts out there because when the rational part of you is talking yourself through this, I am (selfishly?)taking in every word because even the little details apply to me and my situation, and speak to me like words of encouragement from a friend.

We've said before it's like D and FF are the same guy and it is even more apparent(sp) after reading what you've written here.

I am right where you're at....you are SO not alone. I too feel like I'm in a fog, just going through the motions, can't get anything done, even the basics.The horrible depression that can leave me sitting on the couch in a daze for hours, almost unable to even move!! And it pisses me off that I do this because HE'S out there so impressed with himself, happy as a clam and fooling other women. Is HE sitting home alone crying and paralyzed, missing me, wondering how he will go on without me? HELL NO!

The only difference between you and me is I'm not so great at putting on the happy face.

You sound one step ahead of me too. You sound committed to moving through this pain and coming out the other side and moving on to find what you so deserve.

I, on the other hand, am not so confident that I can get past this, not get sucked back in again and again and live in this miserable cycle the rest of my life.

Anyway, I do love your posts, although I hate to see you hurting because I know exactly what that pain is like. Keep posting, don't go into isolation!! I have missed hearing from you.

XOXO
Veg

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