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Tamara
September 16, 2003
2:40 am
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pathetic
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Hello out there,

What do I do with my husband who calls me the W word and the C word and who grabs me by my neck and sticks his finger into my mouth if I talk to him (back at him)
We have a four year old son who is starting to disrespect me, and we are supposed to go to counseling tomorrow, which I was told tonight that he would not go with me ever. \There is a lot more to this story, I totally love this guy, he has some good qualities, but there is a history of mental illness in his family. He likes to go to bars, he does not go to work when he should, I am a sort of socialite from Carmel, CA....
\aka snob in his book,,,, Has anyone ever put up with having someone stick their finger in their mouths before, and what do you do, other that what i did, nothing.

September 16, 2003
8:13 am
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tooscared
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September 30, 2010
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Pathetic, No one has the right to put a finger into someone elses mouth for any reason. A parent shouldn't do it to a child and an adult most certainly should not do it to another adult. That is being totally disrespectful and borders on abuse. And calling you the names is verbal abuse. He has no right to do this. My first response to your question about what to do when he does that is to say "get out". This is only going to escalate and you are right that your 4 year old son is going to learn these behaviors. Go to counseling yourself and talk to the counselor about what you have written here. I hope that he/she can advise you on what you need to do.

How can this guy's good qualities be enough to cancel out the way he treats you when he doesn't like something? Then to say he won't go to counseling tells me that he doesn't think there is a problem or he doesn't care.

September 16, 2003
10:15 am
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sixfootblonde
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Complete disrespect. That is deafeningly clear when I read your post. He doesn't respect you. He is treating you like a child and it is no wonder your own child is picking up on the behavior and imitating it. He is making it clear he will not work on his behavior. I second what ts said above, get out! This will escalate, it shows all the classic signs.

As for your question what would you do if someone put their finger in my mouth? Sweetie, not that I recommend this as it may piss him off more, but if my husband put his finger in my mouth in that context, he'd be very sorry when I bit the sucker....

September 16, 2003
11:16 am
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Ladeska
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September 27, 2010
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Uh, well, no....I have never had anyone do that and if they did - they'd be missing a FINGER!! What the heck??? I'm having that reaction because...............that's the reaction that is warranted here and nothing shy of that.

Well........if he won't go to counseling EVER, as he put it - just what are you really looking at here? I think you know, don't you? He doesn't want help, is content with disrespecting you, abusing you and you should be content with it, too.

So okay, he has a mental illness. That doesn't mean he's helpless here and you can't DO anything short of having him committed somewhere - that he doesn't allow or want to do himself. And "where" does that leave you and your child? Do you really think he will stop short of just abusing "you" and not do the same things to your child? I dare say - it's not just calling you a name now and then and sticking his finger down your throat. Those are just things you decided to write here, huh?

You have to have a line in the sand that is not passable. DO NOT TREAD AND I MEAN IT!! Otherwise, you are asking to be abused and you're asking that for your child as well. You can't help someone who doesn't want help and THAT is the brutal truth.

I'm sure he does have good qualities but until he is put into a situation that demands - he get help or else - he's not gonna go. But you, personally, have to have boundaries that are the same for everyone, not just him. You do certain things to me and I draw a line and back way the hell up. And you don't go crawling back when he gives you some sob story and bats his little eyelashes and tells you how much he wuvs and misses you.....

You cannot tolerate this kind of abusive behavior, not for you and not for child. Who cares WHY he does what he does at this point! I mean really - are you going to want to sit and chat with him when he does something that severely harms you or your child as to......"well, sweetie, now why do you think you wanted to act that way tonight?" as the blood is streaming into a pool at the end of the street? Um......that would be a little late for talking, wouldn't it?

I knew someone once that had the same kind of thing going on with their husband and they wanted to just pacify them and pet them and reason with them and tell them how much they loved them and just grin and bear it until......the guy shook the baby so hard one time, when he was in one of his "moods" that he now has severe brain damage.

You have RED flags right now that you really need to pay attention to and do something action wise that puts you and your child at a safe distance until he gets help. You can't take him there....... He has to go on his own. And a thousand nice words from his mouth and a thousand nights of make-up sex is not going to replace what you could lose......if you do not heed the warning that you already have glaring you in the face here.

I don't care HOW charming and loving he can be.......in his other hand here is a menacing side to him that can do great harm and it's not your responsibility to be the reason he goes for help... It's your responsibility to protect yourself and your child. He's a grown man, he needs to act like one or suffer the consequences for his actions or inactions. You're not his "mommy", so don't act like one.

You know what you need to do here. You just have to DO it.

September 16, 2003
12:19 pm
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unhappy camper
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You are in trouble. It will only escalate. If you haven't reached your limit yet, will you know when you have? The police will help you stop this guy from killing you one day.

I was you 9 months ago. I love him still. I called the cops though. He was too much for me to handle. My husband is mentally ill too as well as an alcoholic.

Save yourself. Get some distance between you. Then see if he will work at making himself well.

I gave my husband that choice: get treatment or get lost. I love him and hope he doesn't hurt me and disappoint yet again.

But he had to stop injuring me. I had enough respect for myself to make sure of that.

I know you do too. That's why you are writing here.

Go to the counselor yourself. Get some advice.

September 18, 2003
11:00 am
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Zinnie
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September 29, 2010
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Honey,

Listen to all above, and get out now while you can. If you have the financial means to do so, pick up your child, and fast and GO. It sounds as if you do, so you are a step up than lots of folks in your situation. If not, can you get help? Whatever, your situation...

Do not look back, do not take his phone calls, do not have contact with him unless supervised by a court or somebody. If a man does something like this to you, not only to you but in front of your child then it will only get worse. My first instinct when I read your question about the finger was "What? - Just bite the damn thing." But, this is much deeper than warranting a smart mouthed reply.

Please, please, please, get out, get safe, and raise your baby in peace.

Love,
Zinnie

September 18, 2003
2:58 pm
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artist 2
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Sorry, if this sound unsympathetic, but YOU LOVE THIS GUY????!!!

What you probably need to consider is GET OUT. And never look back.

Take my advice - from one who was in a physically violent relationship before. Luckily I left with only a black eye... it might become much MUCH worse for you.

GET OUT NOW.

September 18, 2003
3:01 pm
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artist 2
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I sent that message too soon, because it didn't take long to warn you and warn you good.

I also wanted to add that you are not his rescuer. And if you get a little ego boost from putting up with his schtick, and feel good about yourself because he's mentally ill and can't help himself... THINK ABOUT IT. Do you really want to put yourself through all that?

September 21, 2003
6:01 am
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Anonymous
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From my personal experience, I think you would benefit very much from therapy or any other kind of self-growth that would make your feelings more in synch with your needs and self-protection. The fact that you love someone who does you harm is a red flag about how your underlying beliefs may be working against you. Often this lack of sync is caused by unhealthy patterns of love learnt in childhood.

September 21, 2003
9:31 am
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Zinnie
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Dearest Pathetic,

You posted here, and mentioned that you were going to counseling, but we have not heard back from you.

You may not feel comfortable posting here for your own personal reasons, and whatever they are, or are not that is o.k.

But, please just give us a quick posty and let all know you are o.k. and safe.

Worried about you.

Love,
Zinnie

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