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talking
March 31, 2001
6:47 pm
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Castle
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Hello,

I have been with my boyfriend now for about two years. It bothers me that he doesn't like to talk about anything deep such as life, etc. I feel like talking this way is a form of intimacy and I feel distant from him since he doesn't engage in this type of conversation. He was even a philosophy major; go figure. Is there any way I can get him to open up?

March 31, 2001
7:55 pm
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Ladeska
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September 27, 2010
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Two years.....? If you've been in a relationship with him for this long, I caution about taking this stance of....."I'm the one" that needs to figure out how to get him....to be....what I want... Now read this over again and think about it. You chose him and the time of courtship is about....seeing if....he's the one for you. And when something like this pops up - you don't need to try and immediately fix it. This is "who" this person IS. Look at it straight in the face and say - can I - deal with this? This is...the decision time. You're looking at each other, scoping out all the aspects of each other. We get into sooo much trouble that later leads to disaster when we say - Oh, here's something I don't like, hm,m,m,m...let's see if I can get him to change for me, let's see if his love for me is worth anything? Let's see if I can be responsible for his behavior or be the reason - he changes. Not good.. Big HUGE warning to you. People are who they are and you need to give them as little bait as possible to change for you. You need to watch their actions and see the "real" person who is relaxed and going about everyday life - just the way they are. Because I can guarantee you - if the change doesn't come from him and is about him and his own will - the change will last temporarily and then he'll resent you for it later if he can't keep it up.

April 2, 2001
12:20 am
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Suemee
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Castle, hi, I found accepting that he expressed intimacy in different ways than me and having regular girls nights (a few good friends, a few wines and no men allowed) helped - not quite the same I know, but better in some ways. Have fun!

April 2, 2001
12:37 am
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Anonymous
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September 24, 2010
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Hi! Ladeska!

Hello everyone!

MMMmmm. Yup sounds like my husband and I knew this from the get go that he was just not a deep person, and you know, its ok:)

If you want him to change, your asking him to change who he is, and that will only hurt you both.

I find alot of healthy outlets for deep discussion the net, and mostly from my BF Ladeska! Hey you! thanks for this site, good one!

Anyhow, if you want someone to be deep with, and you know it will be a problem down the road? Maybe its time you started dating again? Or accept it if you can handle it and find some girlfriends, most of us are deep!

Blessings to you!
Kimberly

I should go to bed now, damn ptsd!

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