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talking about sexual abuse in therapy
May 27, 2006
1:42 am
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cpt1212
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okay, i know i have mentioned once or twice here before but i have never been able to talk about it. i have been in counseling for a year and a half and i think that it is time i start to talk about it with my counselor i have hinted at it before and i told her that at our next session we can talk about the "shitty" stuff and she knew what i meant. i told her because for months i have been meaning to at each appt. but i always chicken out. it is not that i feel uncomfortable with my counselor, because i have always felt comfortable with her and in the last few months i have been able to open up a lot more and have been able to be more direct. i just don't know how to start and how to verbally express something that i have never been able to talk about and until just the last few years have even let myself acknowledge----it would be so much easier if i could do it in low lighting with a glass (bottle) of wine or maybe a bag over my head instead of completely sober in the light of day on some random tuesday morning. any advice from those that have been there? anybody sorry that they started dealing with it? anybody "healed" without dealing with it? how detailed do you need to be? and how do you feel afterward? any insight would be appreciated

May 27, 2006
8:20 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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I am having some of the same issues. What i do KNOW, is that it will NOT go away on it's own. I have never seen a counselor that I am comfortable with, so count your blessings there. What I finally did here was told all of my story in a "diary" in the liberation side of this site. Called the diary of scared. It is painful, but I believe that it does more harm being kept in that let out. I think that it will never be dealt with unless we are helped by someone who is trained us to deal with the emotions that it carries. But I think that getting it out is half of the battle. That is my opinion. Good luck to you. You are not alone as I am sure that you are well aware if you have spent any time aound here. We are all here for you.

Scared

May 27, 2006
8:39 am
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loving
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I think the fact that you are not in denial about what's bothering you means you're well on the way to dealing with it. Just give yourself time because your mind is probably just trying to adjust to facing up to whatever it is so that you can talk about it in the way you need to. I am not an expert, but I know for me, when something is really hard to deal with I can only talk about it when I've sort of faced up to and accepted that it's there and isn't going to go away. that's the hardest part for me. I really think you'll get there and with help find a way to heal. Just got to be brave and go through the bits that hurt again to heal them maybe?

May 27, 2006
10:38 am
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Anonymous
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cpt,

I have only a limited experience with this. My wife was sexually abused by a family friend when she was about 12 or 13. She was in denial of it when we got married, and gradually the truth began to come out. It seemed to help her to talk about it with me, though she did see a therapist and work it out with him. She seemed a lot better with the issue after therapy.

She was noticeably more angry about the topic at first whenever we'd talk about it (which wasn't too often). You might feel an increase in anger at first toward the perpetrator as you come to grips with it, as you start releasing those memories and direct your anger out instead of holding it in.

As far as how to talk about it with the therapist, I'd say just say whatever you are comfortable with. Nobody can tell you the best approach to take. And if you try one approach and it doesn't work, you can always try another. The important thing is to just get started, if that's what you want to do.

Best of luck to you! You're going to make it through this. Please let us know if you need to talk anymore.

Seeker

May 27, 2006
10:49 am
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I C Gold
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When I FINALLY started talking about mine, I couldn't shut up about it. I thought I'd never get thru talking about it!!
What I did before was "talk" to myself alone, somewhere safe, and pretend I was telling someone. It's not "role playing" but the more you say these things, the easier it becomes. BELIEVE ME...
I've gotten so comfortable talking about my incest abuse that I've had my DR take me to his sex offender groups and talk with them there about how they affected theirs victim's lives.
I'm now into the "having to forgive" and THAT'S something I'm really not comfortable with right now. Anger and rage have kept me VERY safe for a lot of years~
Stay strong and believe in yourself, We do.
Gold

May 27, 2006
11:00 am
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sewunique
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Cpt,

If you have been seeing this counselor for over a year, it seems you may have a good raport with her/him. You may start by saying you feel uncomfortable talking about it, don't know how to start or what to say. You might want to ask your therapist "how should I start?" and perhaps she can give you some questions to ask, like how do you feel about something? or tell me about when you were such and such an age. The therapist is trained in this and understands that even though you are open to work on this area of your life, it is not easy and it will be uncomfortable.

Those ugly feelings of guilt and shame creep up like we are the ones who have done something wrong. Of course, we haven't, and this is not our fault what happened. But often when one has been molested, that is how we feel. Often we feel guilty for other things in our life as well, or we tend to take responsibility for things that are not our problem. It stems from the past experiences we have encountered and bottled up for years. So often there seems to be "shame in the telling of it". The 'big secret'.

These are hard ideas to swallow but in the long run, once you have begun your journey to reveal the shame guilt feelings of what was wrongly done to you, you will begin the process of healing. In that healing, it will help you to understand yourself better and to be able to have a freeer, happier life.

I empathize with you and wish you much strength in your journey which you have already begun.

I wish you well. You can heal. I have; just a few scars, but they don't show as much thru the years. You can feel better; the time is your own in however long it takes, in whatever way you take it.

I wish you the best!

Sew

May 27, 2006
11:10 am
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on my way
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Cpt,
I'll be glad to help where I can. I have not been sexually abused, but emotions that come from that may be emotions that some of us can relate to as well. It is difficult i think, to go back and dig up what we thought we buried so very well! Pain is never easy to remember.
blessings and hugs.
omw

May 27, 2006
11:35 pm
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cpt1212
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thank you all so much for your support and suggestions. sometimes i do talk about to myself like i am practicing saying it to my therapist. I think that i will take the suggestion to ask her how i should start. that is a good idea. my therapist always tells me to tell her what i need and i guess i need some direction at least at first. again thank you all so much. my next appointment is thursday morning. i just hope that i don't fall apart afterward and start sinking into depression. I think that if i could finally get angry that would be a nice change of pace.

May 28, 2006
1:22 am
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I C Gold
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Be careful of the anger, too much of anything is bad. I survived all these years of my abuse by shutting out everyone and everything.
CAPTIAL BITCH WAS MY NAME... You couldn't get close enough to me to hurt me and inside I was silently raging and killing myself. FINALLY imploded after my X walked out on me. Took a good hard look and went to work on me.
My dad may have stolen the first 40 years but I'll be damned if he can have 1 more day..
Good Luck~I go on Thursdays as well so I'll think about you. šŸ™‚

May 28, 2006
2:00 am
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natalie21
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cpt,
For me, it was like jumping into a pool of really cold water---I couldn't think about it--I just had to do it, and it got easier as things spilled out. In fact, my first session, I couldnt' stop talking--and to think I had almost chickened out and cancelled my appointment.
I have to tell you, though,that I don't have actual memories yet of sexual abuse--but all the signs point that way--but just telling my counselor some of the things my father did that I knew were characteristic of sexual predators(ie-teaching some teenage neighborhood boys "isometric" wrestling--in "speedos"/swimsuits, after letting them drink alcohol--my brother and I had to stay upstairs in our rooms or we'd be in trouble.) This was something I never told anyone was happening while my mom was at work. It was like I had to keep his secret. I never even told my husband because I was afraid of how he'd react to my dad once he knew just how sick he is.
Anyhow, even if you can't just jump in and tell, you'll tell it when you're ready because you know it will keep coming back to you.
good luck šŸ™‚

May 28, 2006
2:02 am
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cpt1212
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thanks for the heads up i c gold. i would like to get angry sometime, some times i think something is wrong with me because it is very rarely that i get mad about anything, i mean intellectually i will say that i am mad about something but i don't FEEL that way. i am not sure if that is something i lost or something that i am afraid i wont be able to control. i like what you said about not them take one more day. thanks.

May 28, 2006
9:33 am
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on my way
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cpt..
best to yo in working out these emotions. you mentioned knowing in your head, but not feeling it. that is because you have stuffed and buried all of those negative emotions, and you may be very angry. time to let it all out hon, and maybe try to keep in mind the end result...you are working to be free and healed from all of this stuff.

hugs,
omw

May 29, 2006
3:03 am
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quilter
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May 29, 2006
3:46 am
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quilter
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this is my third attempt to send this. I hope it works this time. I am going to condense it this time. This is the firt time I have responded to a thread but I saw myself in your words. I guesss that i way I keep trying. YOu have made if further than I have since you are in therapy and I am not. But I do relate to your fear of talking about the abuse. On many occasions I have attempted to talk about it with a friend and made several trips across the state to do so, but when I get there I just can't find my voice. Thankfully she is very patient and we do email alot . What I did find that was helpful was to write about it the the 3rd person, it was easier to write it as she and her than I. You might find that helpful in the beginning and the eventfully talk about in the first person. I could completley understand your desire for the bottle of wine and a dim room. I am sure the wine won't fly but you could certianly ask for a dim room. Maybe have the the blinds closed and lights dimmed may help. Are there evening appts ? The other option my be to write it as a story first and read it out loud to your therapist and at least some of the background would be out there. I hope this makes it to you this time.
Good luck to you on your journey.

Quilter

May 29, 2006
11:03 pm
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cpt1212
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quilter,

thank you for your perserverance. i write for a living but for some reason i cannot write about this. i have tried in the past but it black words on a white page seem so harsh and large. i do practice talking about it in the dark to myself at night. we seem to be at a similar place--lets keep in touch and help each other walk through this.

thanks again for your support and wish me luck on thursday, i am afraid that i will chicken out again.

May 29, 2006
11:35 pm
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Randomwomen2
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Hello sweetheart. I did have problems after I would talk about my abuse with my counsler but it is all worth it in the long run it does become easier to talk about as you go along. (((Cpt)))

May 30, 2006
12:04 am
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cpt1212
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thanks random, i was hoping you would post here. i knew if anyone would know you would.

May 30, 2006
12:05 am
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Randomwomen2
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Sorry I didnt post sooner but I have been sick and my husbands work schedule changed a little

May 30, 2006
12:09 am
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cpt1212
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i understand. i posted on your thread about your little boy--did you see where i reccommended the book, it really helped my friend's son, although i did feel pretty silly reading it when i babysat. once when i babysat him he really needed to poop was scared of the toilet so i sat buzz lightyear on the seat and dropped chocolate chips behind him, not the classiest thing i ever did but i didnt have to clean the kid up either

May 30, 2006
12:11 am
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Randomwomen2
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LOL thats funny. I didnt see about the book but I will take another look. Cool I rymed LOL.

May 30, 2006
12:13 am
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Randomwomen2
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so every body poops huh?? where do I find that? Anyway if you would like I could talk a little more about my therapy but I would like to start a new thread for it. Just let me know

May 30, 2006
12:43 am
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cpt1212
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i really would like to know more about if you don't mind random, i just don't know what to expect directly after i begin. i am usually very calm and collected and as you can see from my other posts busy. i am afraid that maybe i wont have any reaction or maybe too much reaction and i wont be able to function or hide my distress from those around me. i would appreciate anything you are willing to share

May 30, 2006
12:44 am
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Randomwomen2
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Ok sweetheart Im going to start a new thread right now. It will be easier for me to keep track of that way

May 30, 2006
12:45 am
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cpt1212
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k i will be checking in between (boring) paragraphs.

May 30, 2006
9:13 pm
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thewall
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Cpt,

Yea hon, Ive been there...yrs ago, and god I am so glad i did it. All i did was talk..and talk..and talk. It was like purging the soul of all the filth that was inside me by some perverted jerks who thought they could use me, touch me..from the time i was a kid til i left home. It helped me to look out a window in my therapists office when i would talk about it...or look at an object away from his face, bc there was so much shame there. He never said a word..he let me do it.

Talk, cpt, talk!! purge yourself of those memories. You wont believe the load that will be lifted once you do. And if you are like me you may be asking "how many times do i have to talk about it?"...and the answer is "for as long as it takes". Sometimes I would need to tell my story (s) over and over again, month after month, and he never minded at all. I have no regrets and now i dont need to talk about it anymore..its a non issue to me now šŸ™‚ so see, ppl do heal :).

Its been 15 yrs now. free at last.

be healed cpt, be healed, and good luck hon. Sounds like you feel comfortable with your therapist so let the stories and healing begin.

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