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Taking it slow, how do you do it?
May 19, 2004
2:14 pm
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Miffy
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Sounds great - good luck with everything 🙂

May 19, 2004
2:15 pm
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Miffy
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The only other thing I would say is that in my experience, even if I put my past away in my head it comes back to haunt me and I really have to work on an ongoing basis to distinguish what is past and what is present.

xx

May 19, 2004
2:28 pm
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acj
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Yeah, it's going to be rough... I think my ex will not let me go this easily but we'll see. He may surprise me!

I'll take all the luck I can get....

acj

May 19, 2004
2:36 pm
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rio
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Hi all...

I am brand new to this message board... was actually doing some research on co-dependency, and stumbled across this thread. Hope it's okay if I leap in head first with a question of my own...

I have been seeing a new guy for almost two months now. In the beginning things were fabulous - I really liked him and it was apparent he liked me equally as much. Called all the time, wanted to see me as often as possible... etc. Then things cooled down. At first I attributed it to circumstances (jobs etc.) but eventually decided I needed to know, and asked. I give the guy credit - he was extremely honest. Said he had taken a step back, decided he wasn't ready to dive into a relationship yet, but is very happy with just dating me exclusively.

He seems to be a great guy. He has told me that he can not separate sex and relationships, and so has put the physical aspect on hold, for which I give him a lot of respect. But I am having a hard time taking the step back that I need to take, in order to get back on the same page as he is. I had begun developing feelings beyond dating, so to go back to just dating is tough.

AND... I have such a tendency to over analyze. Case in point... he showed up on Messenger just a while ago, but did not say hello. Was on for about 10 min., then left. Ever since I have been wondering what is going on.

Any advice on how to NOT overanalye this to death? On how to just slow it down for myself so that I don't scare him away for good? How to just relax and enjoy today... not worrying about tomorrow and what he's thinking all of the time?

May 19, 2004
2:51 pm
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acj
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Oh my gosh, rio... Your post sounded like something out of my mouth...

Just keep yourself busy!! Don't wait for his phone calls. Just get busy living...

acj

May 19, 2004
2:59 pm
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rio
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Well... acj, I am trying very hard to keep busy. I do have a busy life, and just finished creating a list of everything I want to accomplish this summer... it's just so hard to NOT analyze everything! It drives me nuts. Unfortunately my job doesn't help me any... way too much time in front of a computer with way too much time to think.
I guess I also want to know... how do I trust he is a nice guy? How do I know when it's time to cut the ties and move on? How do I know that him not saying hello on MSN isn't his way of sending me a hint that he's no longer interested?
I have a tendency to be too optimistic I think - to see the good and ignore the potential bad. Again, I have to give him credit because he was so open and willing to have the "where are we" conversation. And he did say that if and when I come to the point that dating is no longer enough, that I must tell him and we will discuss it and go from there.

I am trying hard to give him some space, and not scare him off... while maintaining a sense of control for myself. Jeez... this dating stuff is incredibly hard.

May 19, 2004
3:02 pm
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acj
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rio---

If you read through any of my threads, I'm sure you'll see our similarities. Unfortunately, if I was able to turn my brain off and not have so much time to think, I wouldn't have just broke up with Mr. Hyde... I wish I could help. If you find out any answers, let me know!!

acj

May 19, 2004
3:14 pm
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rio
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Interesting acj... I did read through all of your posts on this thread, which is what prompted me to write my own post. I immediately saw the similarities. However it sounded as if in your case you are the one who wanted to take it slow... whereas in my case it is him.

If I figure anything out, you will be the first to know, promise. 🙂 I love these msg. boards b/c you can learn so much... honestly, finding this site will probably save me a lot of anxiety in the coming weeks while I figure out what is going on with this potentially fabulous guy.

May 19, 2004
3:26 pm
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acj
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Well, I was in your shoes a few weeks ago when my ex said he wanted some space... But a little different because my ex has bad mood swings. When I gave him space, he pulled me. When I moved in, he pushed me...

I'm trying to figure out how to go slow so that I don't make the same mistakes I just made. He and I were only together 3 months but he was talking about marriage and everything...already!

acj

May 19, 2004
6:25 pm
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CAMER
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rio, do not over analyze!!! just cuz he didn't say hi on Messenger doesnt mean he doesn't like you or is fading, remember life is busy for everyone, I too sometimes don't chat with the best of friends on "messenger" cuz i too am busy and just want to check my email...it doesn't mean I don't like my friends, Trust in your heart that he likes you and take things slow, the next time you talk with him on the phone mention what happened and see what he says, I bet it is no big deal!

May 19, 2004
7:08 pm
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Zinnie
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Hi Rio,

There are many times when I'm on-line that I'm working, or catching up on correspondence, researching something, posting here, or maybe even just playing a computer game and I forget the messenger is on.

When I go and look, if I see someone is on, but they have not said anything to me "yet" I think they are doing the same thing - they are busy. So, if I want to, or feel like I send a quick hello over IM. Sometimes, sure enough - they are busy, sometimes we talk.

I'm sure more than anything - that's all it is.

Remember, even though you are in a relationship - you have to maintain your seperateness (is that a word?) - in that you have your own interests. It actually gives you more to talk about when you are together.

Z.

May 19, 2004
7:41 pm
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rio
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I am very, very glad I found this message board. Finally - a place to spill all of my neuroses without getting any flack! 🙂

I am the QUEEN of overanalyzing. I honestly drive myself crazy over it. The trouble is that I really like this guy... and in the beginning he made it VERY clear that he was equally interested. But then he got spooked and is slowing it down. 100% understandable, especially considering his last relationship did not end well. But then there's me, constantly seeking reassurance that he is still interested, wanting more than what he can give right now.

Good advice from all of you, thank you very much. He is supposed to call me tonight to confirm plans for the weekend... but I am going to keep myself as busy as possible so that I am not sitting around waiting for his call.

Why is it that women are the way they are??? Why are the men in our lives on our mind constantly... even though they're not losing any sleep over us? Ugh - it sure is exasperating.

May 20, 2004
10:02 am
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acj
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Well, rio... At least he isn't ending everything like my ex just did... I told him I wanted to just be friends while I got everything together and he took it and ran... What a jerk he was.. Oh well...

acj

May 20, 2004
12:59 pm
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rio
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acj, I am sorry he turned out to be a jerk... but just keep in mind that he's one less person on your way to finding the "right" person. I am personally not a big believer in soul mates, but I do believe that there is someone out there for everyone - someone with whom we are compatible and can build a life together.

I have learned that life always unfolds as it is meant to. There are no mistakes, just challenges we must overcome. You have just overcome another challenge. 🙂

May 20, 2004
1:03 pm
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acj
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So true, rio....

It's an experience, a page in my history book. I have no regrets. It was a learning thing and I am a better person now. I've learned more about my boundaries and what I will and will not accept in a potential mate. I guess I'm just feeling sorry for him now. But that is a co-dep thing that will go away quickly...

acj

May 20, 2004
5:10 pm
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Anonymous
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I don't know if it works like this for everyone, but when the right person came into my life, things just happened on their own. I didn't have to work at it. I didn't wonder whether or not this was the right person or if I was in love or if we could make it work. I didn't wonder any of these things because I already knew the answers.

When I look back on some past relationships, I can truly see that in those situations things "just happened" as well, but if I didn't like what was happening I fought against it. I spent a lot of time in bad relationships fighting what was happening (usually a natural deterioration of the relationship) because I thought if I was ____________ (fill in the blank) enough then the relationship would work.

This is why I like to try to go with the flow!

Ren'ai

May 21, 2004
6:17 am
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wallace
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I agree with Ren'ai. I believe in fate. If something is 'sposed to happen, the doors will open and things will flow. If it is not fated to happen, you will feel like you are running an obstacle course with things being thrown in your path, like the car breaking down, the weather etc etc. You all must have had that feeling of wading upstream when you are trying to achieve one thing and feel like you're not getting anywhere, yet at other times, things just fall into place. It's fate guiding you to your destination. There are certain people in our lives we are destined to meet and have relationships with, and others that we feel we want to be with, but fate just keeps putting things in the way. One of my friends fell in love with her husband when he came to her office to fix the computer. Fate dictated that it would be him that came,to her office, that day-when she was in (she worked part-time). The repair company could have sent anyone, on any day. Another of my friends fell in love with her husband on a course. The two of them came from completely separate lives to the same place at the same time. Things work out for a reason. Likewise, they don't work out for a reason. Fate. Anyone else feel the same way?

May 21, 2004
9:59 am
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rio
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Wallace,
I do believe in fate, do a certain degree. But I also believe that we have choices in our lives and it is our responsibility to step back and look at the big picture while making decisions that affect our lives.

New relationships are a good example. I do think that you just "know" right away whether or not something is right... This man that I am dating was like that. From the very first meeting I felt a connection, as if I had known him for years instead of hours, and as if I wanted to develop a relationship with him. That, I believe, was fate.

However now is where the choices come in. I have to step back and look at what is happening from his perspective, from my perspective, all the while keeping in mind what I hope to end up with. And I need to make the choice whether to cut the ties because it isn't all perfect and easy, or whether to simply slow down the steam train and trust that his intentions are honourable, and, more importantly, trust myself to be able to deal with it if they aren't. I am choosing the latter.

There are usually choices available to us. One is generally a much harder path than the other, but it is often the more rewarding path. Each risk we take makes us a stronger, healthier person. I am choosing to risk heartache with the hope that I will find love. If I don't, well, I know without a doubt I will learn some valuable lessons along the way, and with any luck, have made a new friend.

May 21, 2004
5:52 pm
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Anonymous
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It's good to be careful, rio. If I hadn't known my partner for a couple of years before we fell in love, I know I wouldn't have let things happen so fast once we did.

The best drivers are the ones who are paying attention to what all the other drivers around them are doing. I think what you have to say is very valid.

Ren'ai

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