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Taking it slow, how do you do it?
May 17, 2004
4:07 pm
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acj
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Okay, I've heard (and preached) that you should take it slow when first entering into a new relationship. Well, I'm down to the bone here and need some advice on HOW?

How do you take it slow? How do you tell a new "potential" boyfriend that you want to take it slow without making him think you're just out for a good time? How do you turn your cheek when he tries to kiss you on the second date, without seeming like a prude? How do you slow down the conversation so that it doesn't get too personal too fast without seeming dishonest, or having him think you have something to hide?

A guy I've known for a couple of months asked me out on a date for this Friday. He's cool and we seem like we could be friends at the least. No, I'm not trying to jump into something else. In fact, I'm really too busy for a relationship because I'm getting ready to close on my first house, working and going to school full-time and still trying to be there for my daughter. So, no, I don't need a relationship right now. Plus, I'm trying to get over the Coast Guard guy I've been talking about. But that's not to say that later I won't be ready or that I'm not ready for a commitment...

How do you take it slow and what is a nice way to tell that person that they're asking a question too personal for where we are???

acj

May 17, 2004
4:26 pm
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Anonymous
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How about "I'm not ready to answer that question." If he presses, you can say, most likely with honesty, "I can't answer because I don't know right now. It's too soon." or "I can't answer because I'm not comfortable." and leave it at that. If he can't respect that boundary, he is telling you a LOT about himself, don't you think?

Relationships are complicated, and I respect you for wanting to take things slow and look at friendship before anything else. I mean, if you think about it, a good a friend is the number one thing we all want in a partner. So, good for you, ajc!!!

Ren'ai

May 17, 2004
4:34 pm
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acj
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Thanks Ren'ai

That was excellent advice. Yes, if he can't respect that I'm not ready to answer a specific, personal question, then he won't respect me, period...

Thanks again...

acj

May 17, 2004
4:36 pm
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Anonymous
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You're welcome! It never ceases to amaze me when some bizarre words of wisdom come spewing out of my chaotic mind. I always see it as some sort of devine intervention!

Ren'ai

May 17, 2004
4:38 pm
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acj
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😀

May 17, 2004
4:49 pm
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Anonymous
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I don't know if you feel this way, but I always feel a sort of connection when I'm posting at the same time as someone else. It feels just a little bit more intimate.

I would also say that I am in a relationship that went FAST! Faster than any relationship I've ever been in. It almost burned out before it ever was. Honestly, that's how fast it happened.

I was lucky in that my partner and I are both committed to each other and the success of our relationship. We knew we had to slow things down in order to have success. Man, it's easy to get all wrapped up in the passion, the awesome sex, the "honeymoon" the "I love you" every 10 minutes. You know what I mean. That phase in a relationship that literally makes everyone around you want to vomit from the syrupy sweetness of it all.

Slow is definitely the way to go! It gives you a chance to savor moments. It makes the reward more precious because of the hard work invested in it. It provides you with the kind of memories you can fall back on when you know things are getting tough. And it can turn a fatal crash into a mild little fender-bender.

So, hang in there and stick to your guns!

Ren'ai

May 17, 2004
9:39 pm
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Zinnie
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Keep things on an easy and light level, you will know when things start to become a little more serious. But, by moving quickly all the time, Ren'ai is right - it just burns out and crashes.

I've had friends that are head over heals in love with the guy after three weeks. Spending ALL their time with this person, everyone else in their life just sort of falls of the radar. Then, the guy wants more space - and then it starts, leading to heartbreak. What I can't figure out is then they go and do it all over again!

I know with my husband (actually both of them), when we started dating, we talked about lots of stuff, but it was mostly topical. Likes and dislikes, things going on in current events, hobbies, things like that. It was not until some time had passed that we started talking about the issues of our pasts, or things we were working out.

My daughter is now dating a nice man that she met in the hospital. Lordy, I sound like the typical Mother... he is a Dr.! O.K.... anyway, after the trauma she has been through, she has told him that she wants to move very slowly. He has asked her to date him exclusively, and gave her a promise ring. That promise ring signify's that he will not push anything on her that she is not ready for. Because of what has happened to her, she has told him "no sex unless I'm married." He is respectful of that.

If the man is worth his salts, he will be respectful of your wishes.

Z.

May 17, 2004
10:50 pm
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Zinnie,

I have read about your struggles, and those of your family. I want you to know that all of you deserve every single blessing that comes your way. You have earned every single one. They are very nearly bought with blood.

May you and yours continue to receive the bounty of good fortune you deserve.

Ren'ai

May 18, 2004
9:10 am
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acj
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That's so true... If the guy is not just infatuated, he will wait. I'm glad she has the guts to say no sex until marriage. I was determined to do it right this time with the same thought but it didn't work out... AGAIN! I'm going to be true to myself.

The guy that asked me out for this Friday, redhead, has already asked me when my last relationship was.... I kind of blew it off a little. First, I didn't want him to know that I'm still kinda dating someone...AND I want to move slow. If he and I are going to start out as friends, then I need to treat him like a friend. Pretend like he's one of my girl-friends at work or something. I know that the last girl he dated scared him off because she had three kids and wanted marriage really fast...Well, I'm very busy so it should make it pretty easy for me to take things slow.. 🙂

Well, got two phone calls from Mr. Coast Guard last night. The first was while I was at school. He told me to call him back, either text message him or call him or something. Said he hoped I was doing well. No I love you, though...

Then he called around 11:30pm after I had just drifted off to sleep and I didn't answer the phone. I had turned all of them off but one and that one woke me up. I listened to his message. He said he just called to wish me a good night and that he hoped I was doing well. And that he loved me... Hmmm.... I don't think I should call him back. I think if he asks, I'll just tell him that I was too tired to talk. And I really was. He's always using excuses like that. "Sorry I was late. I fell asleep." "Sorry I didn't call. I fell asleep" I feel disrespected by his inconsiderate ways...

Anyways... I'm debating on whether or not to call him. I'm wondering if I should just let it go....

acj

May 18, 2004
11:32 am
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Know that whatever you decide, it will be the right thing. It's just the way the world seems to work, I think.

You are taking a stand for yourself and I hope you are taking the time to pat yourself on the back and feel proud of who you are becoming, and even who you have been in the past. It feels good to feel empowered, and to realize that we all deserve a certain kind of love, and we don't have to settle for less.

I'm glad I didn't, and I hope you won't.

Ren'ai

May 18, 2004
12:32 pm
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acj
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Thanks Ren'ai and Zinnie....

I really appreciate the support.

acj

May 18, 2004
12:41 pm
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If you feel comfortable, please let us know what you decide to do, and how things go if you do call him.

My best hope for you is that you won't do anything that makes you know you will regret later!

May 18, 2004
1:27 pm
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acj
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Well, he just called me at work. He said that I was a hard woman to get a hold of and that he was wondering how I was doing. I said fine, I've just been busy. He asked if I got his messages last night. I said yes but that I was really tired and just went to bed. He said he wished I had called. He said that one of his friends lost his dad. I said really, so sad. (He didn't feel ANY remorse over my friend losing his son. That's what the last argument was about) He then said that he was headed off to lunch and would call me when he got back. I said okay. He said that he loves me and that he'll talk with me later. I said okay and bye. I didn't tell him I loved him back.

I just don't know what to do. Should I just sit back and let him come back to his senses? Or should I just let him go or just be friends?? I'm wondering if he just realized how much he cared for me and it scared him or if he's just being an ass. I can't tell. Why call and tell me he loves me? I just don't understand.

Any opinions or possible scenarios you all can think of would be appreciated. I seem to be stuck in a certain mentality that I can't see other possibilities...

Thanks....

acj

May 18, 2004
6:20 pm
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gingerleigh
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Hm. Maybe we ladies need to learn to think a little bit more like men. I'm going to generalize here, so apologies to Silence, WD, JWT, Tez and the other gentlemen who post. Stereotypically, when men say that they don't think about or ponder or stress over relationships, they mean it. Usually they aren't thinking about the "state of the union" unless their partner brings it up. They busy themselves in work or social activities or other types of things, and the whole "is this relationship moving too fast" worry never even enters their heads (unless they've been burned in the past by it and have done a lot of personal digging a soul searching over it).

I know that I tend to obsess over relationships, and I get infatuated quite easily. Logically I know that if I were to just "lighten up" a little bit, and focus my nervous energy elsewhere, things would stay lighter. But for some reason in me there has always been this driving need for intimacy, to get real close real fast, and that obsession goest at the top of my list, and backfires every single time.

I like the rubber band trick from Zinnie. She has been advising people to snap it every time they want to call or talk to someone that they really "shouldn't" be. I think it could also help with obsessive thoughts.

May 18, 2004
9:04 pm
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Zinnie
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My husband and I had a talk tonight over dinner. Another couple friends of ours called him today and said they are getting a divorce. They have only been married for three and a half years.

So, as we were sitting down eating dinner tonight, HE brought up the subject of our "relationship and marriage" - which as Ginger said above is unusual as men really don't obsess over relationships like women do in general.

Anyway, long story short my husband summed it up well he said he thinks the reason we have lasted this long, and still love and enjoy each other is ultimately, we started out as friends and we actually like each other, and we treat each other with respect. When you have that as a backbone, the rest is easy.

What do ya'll think?

Z.

May 18, 2004
11:42 pm
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Z. you are right on!

I decided a long time ago not to swim up stream unless I was a salmon and it was time to spawn!!!

acj, hon, just let the currents of life and love take you. Trust your "gut". You know, that inner voice we are all born with but it gets taught out of us. In the core of your being, you already know what to do. If you let go, the "powers that be" will do it for you.

That's not to say there's no work required on your part. Life is hard. It's rough. There is a lot of white water out there. But the more you shoot those rapids, the better you get at it. So, GO!!!

(Man, wouldn't it be cool if I'd talk to myself this way?)

R.

May 19, 2004
12:02 am
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natty
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Zinnie your hubby hit the nail on the head. Respect and friendship are definitely the backbone of a relationship. I'm glad you have that in your life. 🙂

May 19, 2004
9:10 am
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acj
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Man, that's so good to hear...

Well, Coast Guard guy and I talked yesterday before I left work. He was thinking everything was okay and I was giving him space. He has mood swings because of his meds, supposedly and I just can't take them. By the time we were getting off the phone, he was crying...

SO, I got out of class early last night and decided I'd talk to him to see if he was feeling any better. Well, after sending him 2 messages and one to his cell phone, he finally got back to me at 9:30pm. We chatted a little then he said he'd let me go because he knew I had homework. I told him I wasn't doing any last night but I guess because he figured his "pillow talk" wasn't working, that I wasn't going over his house last night, he wanted to go watch the hockey game...So, an hour later, it was still showing him as online but he wasn't chatting with me... so I sent him an email.

I told him that I thought we should just be friends. That I'm not the kind of person to leave someone hanging on until I have time for them. If we go out sometime, fine. If we want to date other people, fine. If we have time to talk to one another, fine. But that I didn't want there to be any hurt feelings. I told him I loved him and said I'd talk to him later.

He writes me an email at 7:00am and another at 8:45am this morning from work. This is what the first one says---Let me know if you see the guilt trip...

"Well I thought we had an agreement already, but I guess you have an
alteror
motive. So I will leave you be, sorry. I tried... I cant fix
everything
all the time... I dont know what to do... I never wanted to see anyone
else, but it sounds like you do.. so do what you have to do.. I dont
know
what I am gunna do now.. kinda screwed all the plans I had started up
here
with you...

you take care,"

Then the second email said "I got your text message to my phone today at 1:55am just so you
know... it
finally came through..."

Am I just imagining things?? Please give me some feedback here. I'm not writing him back until he can learn some real communication skills...

acj

May 19, 2004
10:06 am
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gingerleigh
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Blah to this one. Mood swings and guilt trips. You haven't invested too much time or energy in this guy yet, right? Why waste your time? Just a gut reaction from me here, feel free to tell me I'm full of bulloney. If it's this strange now after just a few months, wait a few more and see how bizzaro things will get. *smile* Sending good vibes your way.

May 19, 2004
10:21 am
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acj
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Thanks gingerleigh...

Yeah, he's too much like my mother...Maybe that is why I was attracted to him. Aren't there any normal stable guys out there??

So, you can see the guilt trip in there as well, eh?? I'm glad it's not just me...

Thanks so much....

acj

May 19, 2004
10:34 am
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acj
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I think the thing with his is that he has a lot of issues. He doesn't really have much going for him and I have everything going for me. We might not necessarily be compatible but he keeps me hanging on so that he can benefit from my hard work. I'm getting a house. In Florida, whatever you had before you get married becomes community property after marriage. It wasn't like that in Virginia. In Virginia, everything you had before the marriage is still yours unless you sell it during the marriage. So, I think he was hoping for a free ride. He'd say or do JUST enough to keep me hanging on to him. I have school going for me. I'll have my Masters in 3 years... Then I'll be making lots of money. He knows this. When I'm in a good mood, he tries to bring me down. When I'm in a bad mood, he argues with me.. instead of trying to make me feel better.

Okay.. Hopefully this will be the last correspondence with him. He's probably thinking he'll give me some time and I'll come crawling back to him. No. I'm putting my foot down. I didn't want my daughter growing up with my mother, I certainly don't want her growing up with someone just like her....

acj

May 19, 2004
1:15 pm
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Tell me if I'm wrong but your post was originally about taking it slow with one guy but resulted in you resolving issues with another guy. I am trying to take it slow with a new guy but I couldn't even start it until I had cut ties with my ex who was always keeping me hanging in there and who I always felt was, subtly taking advantage of me financially. It did and does make me very scared of being in a new relationship(amongst other things. Taking it slow has been and is very important for me in terms of doing my best to be aware of my boundaries, looking after myself and trying to be true to myself, not to mention keeping my side of the street clean. That way I find that I can enjoy the attention of a new man in my life.

May 19, 2004
1:51 pm
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acj
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No, Miffy, you are not wrong. I was asked out on a date for Friday night but I knew it was over with my ex-boyfriend. I just had to put my foot down and say enough! No, I don't want to rush into anything especially since I'm so busy right now and I'm just getting over with the ex... But this new guy and I have been kind of talking for about a month. He seems stable and such.

acj

May 19, 2004
2:01 pm
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I've just been through a similar thing - met a new guy as I was breaking it off with my ex (who moved back to his country). I really enjoyed and am still enjoying the love, affection, conversation etc that I am getting from this new guy although absolutely petrified by it beyond belief. So I went for it, using it as practice: practice in setting my boundaries, looking after myself, not acting out etc. I have to say that when I let myself I am enjoying the whole experience. I think it is important to ensure that we don't give away everything (my history has been to do that in the first ten seconds) and to ENJOY XXXX

May 19, 2004
2:09 pm
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acj
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I'm going to try. I'm going to just let go of my past and see him as a friend first. If he tries to move it quicker, I'll slow him down. I'm not going to just follow the guys lead anymore because they don't know any better..

acj

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