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Taking back the power...That I so freely gave away...
January 20, 2005
4:43 pm
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angel1
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I never knew till I got into recovery that I was doing this..I was freely giving myself away..I thought this was what everyone did in a relationship..Give your all..when I felt short changed I blamed the other person..but as I began to realize in recovery they were just being who they were..it had nothin to do with me..and it was up to me to set some boundries for myself..Today I'm learning how to take the power back it makes me feel like a hole person..instead of feeling like I'm missing something..today I know I'm moving in a positive direction..Angel1

January 20, 2005
4:47 pm
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marley
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congratulations! It is a hard thing to realize that we allow others to treat us the way they do sometimes and we can chose to stop! It is also very hard to remember that and keep chosing to remain in control of your life. Best of luck.

January 20, 2005
4:49 pm
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ILSILS
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i too am trying to take back the power today, its so hard, its like saying ok if i dont eat this junk food i wont get fat, but im sooooo hungry, the urge to go right back into that behavior is so tempting, but i cant do it. i wont let myself

January 20, 2005
5:16 pm
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marley
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ILSILS - try an orange or an apple or something. They are really sweet and filling when you are hungry and then you won't feel bad - just a thought 🙂

January 20, 2005
5:27 pm
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ILSILS
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i was talking about hunger metiforicly, meaning that i know if i dont call my husband and act like a little puppy waiting for him, then he's gonna make the first move, i mean that the urges of co-dependancy are just like hunger, and i know if i resist Ill be much "skinnier"

January 20, 2005
6:25 pm
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on my way
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angel1..much wisdom in what you say here.

January 20, 2005
8:43 pm
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j.a.
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hey!
i feel im doing the same! its tough though.... isnt it weird to feel that one gave ones power away?? one dosent see it that way,.. at least i didnt in the relationship... i saw it as a natural thing in a loving relationship, till i noticed i was doing all the work and my partner wasnt doing anything... and the worst of all was realizing to late that he was hapily playing with all his power and mine!!!!!
im happy to hear your gaining whats yours back!!! one does feel good when one makes onself respect!!!
lots of luck and pacience
cheers!

January 20, 2005
8:56 pm
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Alegab
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Hi- This thread is most appropriate for me right now. I just wrote an "anger" letter to the person I am involved with. He almost took the last drop of my self esteem but i want all of it back. This whole issue was not about him. He is who he is. I created him into being who i wanted him to be. He was very far from what i wanted.

I am struggling to let today or tomorrow be the last day that i have contact with him. He is toxic for me and if i continue with this relationship God knows where i'll wind up.

I am scared of making a fool of myself. Once before i ended it, changed my phone number and the same night i did all that he came on line and said what i wanted to hear and i fell right back into the hole. I am afraid of myself. I am afraid that i'll end it and when I get the "addict" symptom i will want to relieve that awful feeling of withdrawal and call him. I am aware of many tools to use to avoid this from happening but yet i am afraid of taking the plunge into a better life for me. Why is this so scary?

I gave every ounce of myself because i am so needy of love, caring and affection (all childhood issues)he gave the minimal to have ALL his needs met.

I am so angry right now. I don't know how to get this anger out. Having written the letter is not enough. I would like to have him right in front of my face right now and tell him to his face.

I am sorry for venting so much but i need all the help i can get to keep strong and STOP GIVING MY POWER AWAY.

Please post.

Thanks for reading.

Alegab

January 21, 2005
12:21 am
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sunny64
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I really relate to this thread...it is exactly what I am working on. I sent my bf walking for a few days and I felt great! I have allowed him back, but I realized today that I still feel good and he is around. That is a first. And I believe it is because I unhooked myself from him. I am me and I am not willing to do or be anything I don't want to. I would have said before that that is a selfish statement to make, yet tonight it simply feels empowering. I do not owe any one person a darn thing. I can be respectful and polite, but I can keep my power and my choices right there in first place. That is my right. I do not need or want to take the back seat to anyone, and I won't. This feels so good.

January 21, 2005
12:40 am
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msguud
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hey alegab - I know how you feel totally. I would love to tell my gambling boyfriend off, but I haven't seen or heard from him since Monday at noon when he picked a fight and walked out. I'm super angry and would like to tell him what a jerk-off he is to his face or even write it to him but guess what? THEY DON'T CARE. Better to say nothing and let him wonder what the hell you are thinking about. If you tell them how much they hurt you, it's what they expect to hear and they expect that you are angry and you're going to let them have it. DON'T BOTHER. Waste of your energy.
I know, I still want to talk to him, too. But no damn way will I grovel anymore! I've had it with that.

Be strong, just like I have to. Maybe we can be strong together. I know this site helps me so so so so much. Even if you can vent only, it's helpful and my god, I have made such great new friends on here even tho we will probably never meet. I still consider you all my friends.

Take care - DON'T GIVE IN!!!! I'm not, so you better not.

Ms.P.

January 21, 2005
2:25 am
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workinonit
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I'm trying not to give in too. What's helping(right now)is thinking about what was good? Not much! Why do I want that?

Codep is the hardest thing to see. We think it's normal because it is all we've ever known!

I see now, it's not normal it's self defeating and sad.

I do not want to feel sad.

I AM A HAPPY PERSON!!!!!!

January 21, 2005
2:42 pm
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GullyFoyle
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You know, you think that you should say yes, when you know the right response is no. If you don't say yes, they won't love you or will begin to doubt your own contributions to the relationship. You don't give away your power, you give away yourself. Give until you are completely empty. Then you come to find out that giving all away just leaves you empty, when they leave.

I have recently dicovered the power of "no". It is hard, it truly doesn't feel normal. you think sometimes that maybe you are over-reacting and saying "no" to everything. Well, you are, because all those bastards are so used to hearing "yes" that, well, to them, it is not normal.

I hope the previous makes sense.

It feels good to say "no".

January 21, 2005
5:18 pm
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Alegab
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Hi Everyone:

I hardly slept last night with the anxiety i felt. This morning he called me as usual and i was very snappy at him and then I LOST IT. I couldn't hold in the anger that was eating AT ME. He is the one causing me alot of grief and i was holding it in and letting it effect me. I told him almost all i had written in that anger letter. I went against my therapists' advice (to wait until i had no more contact with him). I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER NOW. I feel like a ton of bricks have been lifted off me. I know nothing will change. He denied alot of the things i said and i said "you seem to have amnesia with certain things." He said that i am like a computer that i remember everything. I said "you are right, i journal every night and i must keep myself in reality of what is going on between us." I don't want to imagine or fantasize about things that are not there. He said, if i am such a terrible person "why are you still with me?" I said because i am not yet strong enough to let you go. I WAS TRUTHFUL AND HONEST IN EVERYTHING I SAID TO HIM.

I said practically everything that that anger letter said. He had to go to get to his work but said he'd call me later. I was upset after this happened and i called him to tell him i was going out. I left a message and said, i don't regret or feel sorry for anything i said to you, I TOLD YOU THE HONEST TRUTH. I said, i want you to know that when one deals with matters of the heart it is difficult to let go.

I called one of the people from my SLAA group and was telling her what happened. I told her i felt like such a fool. She said why? She said you did what you needed to do a long time ago. You have nothing to feel foolish about, you told him THE TRUTH. I told her i felt foolish for having told him that i can't let go right now of my feelings towards him. She said you were being honest with that also. She said i guess you are not ready yet to let go. She said don't be so hard on yourself but instead pat yourself on the back for having had the strength for telling him how things really are and that you are aware of it.

Love addiction is very difficult to let go of. If one has been use to dealing with love situations in a certain manner for almost a whole life, its difficult to brake the pattern. It is not IMPOSSIBLE. It just takes time and hard work.

He called me back and said thank you for your message, i am not mad at you. He had to run to a meeting and he asked if he can call me over the week end.

I know that God will help me get through this. Also all you good people here offering me your support.

I guess i must really really have enough of his BS to send him to hell.

Thank you.,

Love and Hugs Alegab

January 21, 2005
7:29 pm
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workinonit
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God Alegab you are being so strong and for what it's worth I am so proud of you!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's hard and there's no denying this. But, look at how far you've traveled down this path!! See your growth!!! It didn't take an overnight period to get here and we'll both be lucky if we can recover in our lifetimes but, we can get better and better and hey, you are awesome!!!!!

January 22, 2005
12:00 am
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Racine
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I needed this tonight. I need more. I need someone to talk too.
Reading the above makes me feel that I am weak. That I'm not truthful about myself or the relationship that I'm in, which I am so trying to get out of. But can't. I just can't say those words. He's wiggling back, saying all those nice words that I want to hear. I can't remember what he's done that been so wrong. HE wants to know. I just know I want out.
I'm losing myself. I want my power back.

January 22, 2005
9:16 am
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Alegab
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Hi Working- You can't imagine how good it makes me feel to read your post. I feel so fortunate to have people like you to encourage me and support me. We are here to support one another. We just have to put one foot in front of the other and keep trying. We'll get there. Thank you.

Racine- please try not to feel bad. You are not WEAK, you are just not ready to take your step yet. Sometimes when we don't want to deal with something we put ourselves in denial. You do know what he has done to you or else you wouldn't be feeling so bad and wanting to get out of the relationship. It takes time. Give yourself the time you need and take baby steps, you will succeed. Have you tried journaling? That is a great help to me because i go back and read what i wrote and i can't deny what is in black and white. Do you have a support system? Friends, therapy, family? Remember -- YOU ARE WORTHY, YOU ARE VALUABLE AND YOU ARE LOVABLE. Perhaps this person is not the right person for you, you will make that decision when you are ready. In the meantime try to take care of YOU.

Don't worry we are here for you.

Love and Hugs
Alegab

January 22, 2005
10:44 am
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Racine
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Alegab
Thanks for the support. I need all I can get. I have my family,and friends. I just started going to a counselor. I need to find a support group here where I live. About writing I used to a long time a go. I also used to go to alanon and co dependency meetings. I need to start going to those again, my counselor said so too. I need to realize what baby steps are, and start owning up to what I really want. I need so much help.

January 22, 2005
11:58 am
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Alegab
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Hi Racine- i hope you have a better day today. Just take baby steps. If writing helped you maybe you can start again. You are on your way, counseling, meetings. Give yourself time and be gentle to yourself. One cannot change certain behavior over night. Have you ever heard of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous? I am in no way insenuating that you are a sex or a love addict.

I am a love addict and i attend those meetings. They are very helpful to me. They help me in many ways and there is a good support system. If you would like to know what its about here is the web site: http://www.slaafws.org/contact.html

Please take care of yourself and know we are here to help you.

Love, Hugs
Alegab

January 22, 2005
2:11 pm
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workinonit
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Alegab and Racine,

Much love and support to you both today. Stay focused with me and we'll all make it!!!

January 22, 2005
5:44 pm
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Alegab
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Thank you much Working. How are you doing? Hang in there things will work out eventually. I know we all want Fast Results, unfortunately it doesn't happen that way

Today he called me. It felt so good to hear his voice. I would have given anything to be with him today. He sounded out of it and i asked. He said he was cranky because of what happened yesterday. I asked him if he could come on line tonight. He said, I'll try. I know that i cannot expect anything to change. Things will continue the same until I AM READY AND WILLING TO GIVE IT ALL UP. IT WILL ALL BE TO MY BENEFIT.

Wishing and hoping does not change reality. I must admit i felt good hearing from him and him saying he misses me. That and a token will get me on the subway!!!!!

Lets hang in there.

Love and Hugs
Alegab

January 22, 2005
8:11 pm
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Alegab
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Here I am again, feeling angry. I just finished journaling and being honest with myself. Yes it felt good to hear from him this morning. What good does it do me right now? I am alone in the house (kids are out and my husband is having his affair with the tv). I'd give anything to see J.
What for? To get my temporary fix and then he goes back to his real world. He has the best of both. He has no reason to want to give me up, i know i am a good person, i know i can share and give of myself, i know i am loving etc. I am not trying to boost my ego, its the truth. I want to share these things with someone that can offer me back the things i offer. It has to be mutual. This is all one sided. Oh God i have such bad feelings right now.

I still am hoping for him to come on line tonight. As he said "i will try my best." His best is not good enough. Even if he comes on line it will be with the remark "i can only stay on line a minute, she is around." My angry feelings are back.
I hope the storm clears up by tomorrow night so that I can go to my SLAA meeting and hear what i need to hear.

Please post, i need your support right now. Thank you.

Love and hugs
Alegab

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