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Taking back MY life finally
October 16, 2006
7:20 am
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snowlover
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Hi everyone. Its been a long time again since I posted.I seem to wander off on my own, convinced I know better, and that I can handle everything without asking for help or support. Then I find myself in a mess, and think....hmm, maybe if I wouldnt hve been so stubborn and asked for help I might not be in whatever situation Im in right now.

But, even now I guess Im not asking for help. Im making a statement, comments are welcome of course, and Im starting over with my life. A "do-over" if you will. First some info....

Ive been spending time with the N EXBF the last couple months. Dating a little, talking a LOT, spending lots of time together, some trips, etc. Started out great, but true to form, it didnt last. Back came the lies, the cheating, the using, the punishments. the verbal abuse, etc.

I almost fell back into that trap of crazy-making behavior. I found myself AGAIN wondering things like: when is he going to realize how good I am to him and be faithful? when is he finally going to commit to me? what more can i do for him to make him realize how much he loves me? maybe if I put up with just a little more crap from him it will finally be enough, and he will start being good to me. I could go on and on.

But something finally clicked in this old brain of mine. This isnt about HIM, this is about ME. We teach people how to treat us, and I have taught him for 20 years that its okay to walk all over me, because i MUST like it, because I keep coming back for more and more.

I had been rationalizing it the last 6 or 7 months, telling myself we would just "be friends". Why????? This isnt someone I would choose as a friend. Friends dont lie to you, use you, cheat on you, try to make you feel bad about yourself, blame all of their bad behavior on you, and make you question your sanity.

If i want MY life to change, and i want to move on from him, then I, NOT him have to do the changing. I have to cut all ties, once and for all. This is deeper than "no contact" between he and I. I have to sit down, look him in the eye, and say NO MORE, and mean it. I have to mean it with ever fiber of my being, and he has to know I mean it. No tears, no "what ifs", no excuses, just NO MORE.

No phone calls from him, no asking for help, no more dropping by, no NOTHING. Ive never done that before. i always leave the door open, even if its just a crack, its still always been open. And I make sure I point out its open, several times, just to be sure he knows he can still squeeze in when he wants to.

He called me last night and i told him we needed to talk, in person, and the sooner the better. He of course instantly thought he knew why. had I gotten mad again? Had i found something out again that ticked me off? Did I want to break up again for the millionth time? Was i going to accuse him of something again? He knows me sooooo well. Weve danced this waltz so many times. I get mad, i say Im done, I cry, he yells at me, tells me how its all my fault, and I walk away feeling bad for getting mad at him in the first place.

But this time, I mean it. I mean it more than i thought possible. I dont wish bad upon him (okay, maybe I do a little!!), but I want him out of my life. Im supposed to go over to his house tonight, and do this. At the time I thought I needed to do it in person, but now Im wondering if thats true. I thought I needed to look him in the eyes, but what am i going to see in those eyes that I havent seen for 20 years? If i truly dont want any explanations or stories from him, then why give him the opportunity to interrupt me?

Okay, maybe I do need some input then. My gut is telling me that maybe I shouldnt do this in person now, and should write an email, state how I feel, tell him I want no more contact of ANY kind, wish him well, but its time for us to break all ties for good, and please dont contact me ever again for any reason. Then send it, and no matter how he does or doesnt respond, stick to that boundary and be done, finally, for good.

is it chicken shit to email that? Or is it smart? Ive never ever done this before, and hes not going to believe me, and he will instantly start trying to prove me wrong by trying to suck me back into the web.

I started setting boundariues last week. he wanted to come over Thursday night for a "booty call". I had told him 2 weeks ago no more booty calls, and I meant it, so i said no to him coming over. He then called me the next evening (i was on my way out of town with friends for the weekend, which he knew), and told me since i wouldnt "give him any" the night before he was now forced to go out and sleep with someone else this weekend, and it was ALL MY FAULT!!! he wanted me to feel bad, but he hoped i had a good weekend????

When he called me last night he said he didnt do anything with anyone, he was a good boy all weekend long. That is sooooo not the point for me anymore, ya know? im sick of being treated like this, and I just wont do it anymore.

Okay, Ive rambled on way too long now. I need to do this today, I know i do. So help me out here, in person, or an email?

Snow

October 16, 2006
9:05 am
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needtoheal
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SNOW---

WOW!! I am going through the same exact thing... what you have described is my life..
and i often wonder why do i keep going back???
it's like placing your finger on the fire and it burns... then doing the same thing over and over and over...

If you want you can read about my info on the thread "2alone.. please read this"

i did not talk to him at all since friday

and then i called him and we spoke this morning..
he said that he needs a break from arguing and a vacation...

he said that he does not know what he wants; and he also said that if we got back together i would always bring up some old stuff

i told him that we have not had our needs met.. and i explained to him that whenever i tell him that for example when i am hurt he does not even acknowledge my feelings at all:

he said that i need to find someone who is perfect

he said that we know each other very well... for over 4 years now

he is frustrated with me , his job, living at home with his parents, etc

but when i was on the phone i realized that this is also HIS problem not mine.

it is not all my fault nor did i cause him to treat me the way he does.

as far as your situation, it does sound so familiar.. wondering how you should tell him goodbye because i have often done it myself and have always left the door open as well..

it seems that i can't end this..

i think personally it would be better in an e-mail or letter...

this way he cannot interrupt you or distract you from what you want to say

that is what i did but i never mailed it

i know that i am afraid of change
but i have been making some positive changes -- i just don't know why i am so sad

i have had some losses recently -- my dad's best friend who was like an uncle to me... then my cat died.. and now this mess all in three weeks

and when i needed him after i went to the funeral .. he was not there for me

and not there when i have needed him the most]
so i often have wondered about being friends; still having some contact
but it is better to end it completely

i am grateful that i have been smart enough to not let him in my world --
my children are not attached to him because i have often kept distance when needed...
and then i think about that too--
if i have to keep distance then where does this go?? NO Where

and it also closes the door for me for healthy relationships/ friendships too...

thanks for listening and i hope that if you need help i can be here for you

because i think i may have to do the same

and one more thing; he showed up at my work the other day... and when i looked into his eyes and saw the crooked smile on his face i knew that he was happy to see me and yet i did see some pain inside of him too

then we talked that night and he did say that we are no longer boyfriend/girlfriend and that we are too crazy for each other:

then he said that he needs to find someone else that he had not screwed up with....

that was the last conversation that we had... last thursday

then i left him a message on his cell phone and gave him some advice: don't get involved with someone right away because it could come back and stab you like it did me .. with you...
because when i met him i was separated from my ex-husband and he was there for me .. my ex-husband left and i ended up filing for divorce because he did not want to work on things and we never changed...

so this man helped fill a void because i would see him whenever the kids would go with their father ..

thanks ..
and people have changed my name from need to heal

to

I will heal

October 16, 2006
4:32 pm
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snowlover
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Thanks "I will heal"......i think a lot of us here struggle with setting boundaries and sticking to them.

Ive sent the email, and said goodbye, and it hurts. He called, said many nice things I wasnt prepared to hear, thanked me for a lot of things, and said he wouldnt bother me anymore.

Im sad, very sad, but I know Ive done the right thing. No one can change my life but me, and thats what Im beginnning to do.

Snow

October 16, 2006
4:54 pm
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taj64
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Hi Snow,

I know you and your story. And Im so glad you are back. You have been missed.

t sometimes takes many many attempts to bring about something that can NEVER change and you can say goodbye a million times, and EVERY time it will hurt even it is meant with every fiber. I just had my final contact (yeah right), last friday. I shot off my usual "I can't do this anymore email". You're supposed to mean it when you say this is it, but for me it is ongoing and that is really really sad and pathetic to keep saying something and not really changing it so in a way sometimes we are not any better at changing and you are right, it is up to us to change. Change does come though. It is gradual so don't beat yourself up too much that you feel sad right now. I pretty much feel sad more at myself for prolonging the pain longer than necessary. Go read the thread about charmers by Ladeska. that really helped me last week. Maybe it will for you.

October 16, 2006
5:00 pm
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taj64
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Hi again, the correct title to the thread is How You Become Prey to a Charmer/Abuser. It is very insightful. It will show you how you really can take back your life. It empowered me a lot! It is a must read for you, guaranteed for you Snow.

October 16, 2006
7:15 pm
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kc30
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Hey snow

I've "been there done that" so to speak, and can relate 100% to what you say and how you describe your feelings.

My feeling is no- no need for a conversation or drawn out discussion. There's nothing new here that hasn't been talked to death in the past- am I right?

Don't bother- if you feel a deep burning need to explain this to him, then stop cold in your tracks. It's really you that needs to "get it" all, not him. He can't hear you because he doesn't see the situation the way you see it. How could he? that would make him an asshole and who wants to believe that they're an asshole?!

If you really feel like you need to talk to him, then you are not done yet. I know you want to be done because I hear the desire in your post, but if you still believve you owe him an explanation of any sort, you are not done (my humble opinion, based on my own experience, of course)
You don't have kids together- you owe him nothing. Not even an explanation.

We are allowed to cut someone completely out of our lives if they hurt us and cause us to feel badly about ourselves and our lives. It's hard to do at first, but practice makes perfect! Go hardcore! Cut him out completely. Done. Gone. don't waste another minute of your life on him. go shopping instead.

I say don't go. Just don't show up. don't call. don't explain anything. No explanation required. You owe him nothing.

Just my humble opinion- as always! Keep us posted, and good luck.

And snow- even if you're not done yet, that's ok. You'll get there someday. I did. Took me 2 years, but I did it. It's a personal path.

And what I've learned is that I went back and forth mostly because I felt soooo....lonely! Yep- the loneliness got me every time. But the day finally came that I could say "I'm not THAT lonely!" and what a beautiful day that was šŸ™‚

kc

October 16, 2006
7:29 pm
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Travlin_lite
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taj64
I could not find the thread "How You Become Prey to a Charmer/Abuser" I would love to read can you give me the date? Thanks, I can relate to this thread because my "ex" which I have not even called him that and we have been divorced a year this month and separated since April'05 not long enough needless to say to get through the grief process.
We have tried friendship off an on but again the title of charmer/abuser describes him to a "T". Each time though I talk to him it is from a different prospective I am the listener and realizing Did I really want this in my Life...NO ..so let's get on with living and I am. Begining to realize I can do whatever I want for my future and it doesn't have to include a ex or man. It takes time and I think everyone has to heal at their own pace, anyway I have and it was not according to everyone else's time table so I think on again, off again is the process. You'll do what is best for you..I thank you all for posting it sure let's me know how we all have all gone through some of the same o same o experiences and we are just on a healing journey.. May your Day be blessed! šŸ™‚

October 16, 2006
8:09 pm
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taj64
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Hi I bumped the charmer/abuser thread up so it is easier to find. The last post was today but it was close to the bottom. You do have to read it completely. Also you might want to search on charmer and abuser because I have read quite a few threads on these types of people and my ex definately fit in this category. It is quite a journey for me and I know Im not done, not close but progress as long as I never allow myself or him, the charmer/abuser, into my life. I HAVE to be the one to take my life back. So this is a very good thread for me to follow. I really feel Ladeska gave me a wake up call and Im grateful for the replies on that thread.

October 16, 2006
8:13 pm
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taj64
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Thank you KC that was wonderful. I always feel you give answers that are compassionate and somehow say it way better than I could.

October 16, 2006
9:25 pm
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Hi Snowlover....welcome back. And yes, you have been missed.

I can't say it any better than KC did. She is right on the mark with each and every word. I will say however, as a word of caution....don't be fooled by the "nice" response, the thank you's and the promise that you won't be bothered anymore. In my opinion, that type of response is intended to make you second guess yourself and keep you off balance. You've second guessed yourself for 20 years now. You know the truth.

I know how you feel. I have been and in some ways...still am where you are. I have made the decision to leave (it's been 4 months) but still haven't gotten to the point of "no explination". As KC said...it is a personal path and we will all get there in our own time.

I wish you strength and happiness with all of my heart. Life is too short my friend. You deserve to be happy.

Love,
Lolli

October 16, 2006
9:48 pm
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Hi snow

Just chiming in to say hello, good to see you back. I've wondered how you were.

Nothing to add to everyone else's wise words.... I am treading my own path with the "encore" (you know, the act that comes after The End and The Bitter End and The Final I Really Mean It This Time End...) so am no great role model. Just wishing you well, and keeping the faith that we are all getting there.

good thoughts to you, kroika

October 16, 2006
10:12 pm
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snowlover
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Hi everyone....thank you so much for all your kind and encouraging words. I agree Lolli, KC.....you said it perfectly. I really couldnt figure out why he needed to call and say all those nice things, but sure, it WAS to get me off balance. I havent heard from him since, and im fine with that.

Ive known I needed to do this for a long, long time now. And Kroika, I love your reference to "the encore"....what a perfect way to put it. God i hope this is my final bow. I just know that i HAVE to do this, or I will keep running in circles on this hamster wheel and never be able to get off.

Ive missed all of you sooooo much. Im going to print out the whole charmer/abuser thread tomorrow at work, and get to reading it, REALLY reading it.

Im once again rereading "I used to miss him, but my aim is improving". Its a wonderful, funny book to read when youre going thru a break-up. It lifts your spirits and empowers you, and thats a wonderful thing. Theres a line in that book that Ive written on a post-it note and stuck to my bathroom mirror that says........

"youll never be happy if you give 100% of your energy to a man who will only give you 50% of his in return"

Snow

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