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taking a stand
August 3, 2004
2:57 pm
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kathygy
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I need support in taking a stand with my nephew. He is not working and I am paying all of the bills except for a very little amount his brother gives. I canceled HBO to save $16 on my cable bill and he is very angry. He said there's a movie he wanted to watch tonight. I am tempted to care take him and get cable back because that makes him happy but then I am not taking care of my financial situation. Here's where my co-dependency comes in to play. Help.

August 3, 2004
3:00 pm
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babysteps
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Kathygy,

By NO means take care of him. He needs to be responsible for his behavior and actions...not you. This is a time to set some boundaries with him...tough love...of course, it's hard esp. when you want to take care of him, but you need to take care of YOU first.

If he is that angry about HBO being cancelled, then suggest he pay the $16 each month for the service. He is taking advantage of you Kathygy. I am sure it's tough because you are family, but you deserve better treatment than what he is giving you.

Stand up for yourself and be strong; I know you have it in you! 🙂 Good luck!

Baby Steps

August 3, 2004
3:03 pm
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kathygy
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babysteps, thank you for your words of encouragement. Its a big help.

Part of the problem is I am scared of his anger. He has acted out his anger in the past and I can't predict what he will do while I am at work.

August 3, 2004
3:06 pm
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babysteps
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Well, that is a different story then. I suggest you get some support in whatever capacity is available, so that YOU are protected from his anger. Is there anyone else in the family that will support you? My gut is telling me he needs to get out of your house, so he doesn't end up hurting you in any way. Your OWN safety needs to be your priority, Kathygy...remember that! We are here to support you!

Keep posting,
Baby Steps

August 3, 2004
3:13 pm
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workinonit
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Kathygy, I am in total agreement with babysteps. This is a bit scary and you need to feel safe. Unfortunately, this child! has learned to treat women the way many men do and this is your chance to say NO WAY. Maybe in the long run you'll be doing him a favor?

August 3, 2004
3:33 pm
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kathygy
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He has never hit me but he has moved my stuff around. I can't kick him out of the house because its my mother's house and when she died she left it to her three children, myself, my sister and my brother. My sister is his mother. Your support means a lot. I do need strength here to take a stand.

August 3, 2004
3:39 pm
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babysteps
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Is it possible to talk with your sister (his mother) about the situation and try to get her support?

Sounds like a sticky situation, but I know you are strong enough to take a stand. Keep your head up!

Baby Steps

August 3, 2004
3:39 pm
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balancesekr
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Hi kathygy,

I understand you want to make your nephew happy but, it will serve him a world of good to learn about responsiblity, I agree with Baby Steps that he should pay for it. I totally understand that you want to avoid conflict with him, but sometimes conflict is necessary for growth. Maybe suggest taking DVD's or videos out of the library, that's what I do they are FREE 🙂

Sit him down and talk to him, tell him you don't appreciate him moving your stuff around, you care about him but he's a big boy now. You can do it! We are all here for you.

Balance

August 3, 2004
3:54 pm
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workinonit
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Like I said, you may be doing him a favor!!

August 5, 2004
11:44 am
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kathygy
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My nephew didn't touch my stuff but he is still angry at me. Yesterday when I saw him we didn't speak, he just glared at me. I feel a lot of tension with him and don't know what I should do. Will he ever get over it? It's so tempting to me to try to fix the situation and say if it means that much to you I'll get HBO back just to make peace in the household. So far I'm resisting but need to hear from others about this. Thanks for being there for me.

August 5, 2004
11:49 am
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babysteps
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Katygy,

Hmmm...my mom and brother have been feuding lately...slamming doors, making comments under their breath to each other, not talking, and the tension is so obvious. I have decided not to say anything, and I just want to laugh because obv. nothing is being resolved with them.

Maybe you should give him time to cool down, give yourself time to be more rational, and then sit him down and set boundaries?? Just a suggestion. Getting back the HBO may be a short term solution, but think about the long term and think about the message you are sending if you do get it back.

Be strong; you are right in doing what you are doing.

Baby Steps

August 5, 2004
11:59 am
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eve
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No, you don't need to give him cable tv. A kid/youth doesn't need to watch television to be able to grow up healthy. Maybe that would be a good occation to talk about what to do whith spare time, and about peer pressure. TV is really not a priority. Being able to pay bills is.

And if its that important to him - he can go find a job to pay for it, can't he?

I remember well that I was very resentful towards my father, because we weren't allowed to watch tv (only the eight o'clock news, and a nature special on saturday afternoons). If he caught us in front of the tv at any other time, we found ourselfs very busy for the next week (weeding the garden, sweeping the street, painting the walls in the basement, and other hosehold chores). Of course we complained a lot - but I think it was a much healthier way to grow up and share a part of the work of the household than consuming television endlessly and uncontrolled, like a lot of the pupils in my class did - god, did I envy them then 🙂

August 5, 2004
12:04 pm
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Cristine
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Eve... I agree.... I don't have cable, or even a tv antena! I want my daughter to read and experience the outdoors! We had cable up till April, and all she did was watch tv! I'd wake up at night, and she'd be sitting in front of the tv after having gotten up to go the the bathroom... it was like a drug! I read with her, we play games, take walks, go fishing, go to museums, the theatre, musicals! So much more to life.

Kathy, don't back down. It's your finances, and you have to do what you need to do! He'll live.

August 5, 2004
12:30 pm
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kathygy
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Thank you for replying. I really needed to hear those words of support! Especially that he'll survive.

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