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Taj this is Gayle
September 2, 2005
10:25 am
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gayle
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Taj, went to therapy last night and talked about everything, am feeling better. I had given him a family ring that I wanted him to reset and give to me when he asked me to marry him and he said he wanted to give it back. I emailed him today asking that he not respond but that I wanted him to know I wanted him to keep it that the spirit and meaning with which I gave it to him still remains even though we are not together. He hasn't written back and I feel good about that. My therapist seems to think he carries so much self hatred that he can't allow himself to be loved b/c he doesn't love himself but that through therapy he will heal. I love him so much and know that we both need some time, I am going to focus on myself this weekend and do some things around the house that need to be done and the kids come home on Sunday so I'll spend some time with them as well. Tonight I am going to hang out with a girlfriend, I want to do something fun. This site is such a blessing to me. You are a blessing to me. Thank you.

September 2, 2005
4:00 pm
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taj64
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hi Gayle. Thank you for telling me Im a blessing. A few weeks ago I thought I was a curse. If I can do it, you can too. I really do hope you have a weekend that you enjoy to yourself and hang out with girlfriend. Do all the pick me up things that you can possibly do. Think about things that might interest you in the next few months, make lists, goals, affirmations. Rest your heavy heart. I know you can do this.

September 2, 2005
4:20 pm
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gayle
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You are a blessing and I appreciate your kind words of inspiration. I spent some time this morning writing a letter to him. I addressed it and even put a stamp on it but I think I am going to wait a while before I send it. When I can handle it and he can too. I know everything will be ok, you said a couple of weeks ago you thought you were a curse, and you got through it, I can do it too! I am going to be ok and even thought my bestfriend/boyfriend is hurting I can't fix him, I can love him even from afar and I do and I will and I can spend time with my boys and enjoy their childhood. Be the mom I can be and am. During a time like this when we are not given a choice we have to accept what is even if it sucks. It meant alot to me that you wanted me to let you know how I was even the next day, that you cared to ask. Thank you so very much and when you need to talk, please let me return the favor. 🙂

September 2, 2005
4:43 pm
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taj64
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The letter, I would definately hold it awhile, maybe a week and then go back to it and read and see if you really do want to send it. Sometimes I re read something I have written and later on regret to send it. I got caught up in the moment, type of letter. It is best to give it distance for a bit to when you are not so hurt, your feelings can change, you can be more objective. We are not objective when we are hurt. When we hurt a lot, we don't give as much to our children either, don't want to start anything or even imply that but they deserve a happy mom first and foremost, and that means taking care of our own emotional needs. Let me know how you do after the long weekend.

September 2, 2005
4:56 pm
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gayle
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I will, and I agree. They are 10 and 4 and for the past 2 nights we have had movie nights where we watch a movie in my room and then they have just slept in my room with me and we have all been happier for it. I made a copy of it so I could re read it with out reopening the envelope, should I decide I want to send it, I think most importantly I articulated my feelings, mostly about my love for him but even that right now is too much. Good advice:) I take honesty really well and am not easily offended if what is said is based on truth and I appreciate you mentioning my kids, I started out young having kids and I am still learning about being a mom, I work full time, still trying to finish my degree and my mom helps out but she is a whole different issue...I am trying to work on being a better mom to them and make sure that I am focusing my energies on my kids rather than a man. They are who I am responsible for. This is really good.

September 6, 2005
4:24 pm
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gayle
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Today is a good day! This weekend was good, I took good care of myself and my boys. Read a book, watched movies that he and I liked and I was ok. I prayed alot and asked for peace and feel like I have found it for today, will ask again tomorrow for tomorrow's peace. And the next day and the next day. One day at a time is working really well. He wrote to me today and it was unsolicited, just to let me know he missed me and that he was thinking about me. It was nice, I wrote back the same. We are taking time not to talk to eachother, its too much for each of us. Not sure how it will turn out but I have hope that one day he will heal and one day he will be ready, until then I am going to enjoy my life today!

September 6, 2005
4:39 pm
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taj64
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Im glad you are feeling better and that you had a good weekend. Im a bit concerned that you are feeling good today because of the email note and the pleasure it gave you to respond. The reason is, because as codependents that is often how it works. Just be aware of how you feel in a few days, a let down feeling or depressed. I see a little red flag waving, it seems that you are still hopeful for this man and he will be ready for you and that could be could be setting yourself up again. All I am asking is to be careful and keep track of your feelings. Keeping working on yourself. I hope you continue with peace. Im getting there but still a slow process.

September 6, 2005
4:42 pm
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gayle
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I was having a good day before he wrote me, re reading what I wrote, I see what I did- OOPS! Thank you for the flag, I am trying to not be too happy that he wrote me, like you said I don't want to set myself up. How are you today?

September 6, 2005
4:50 pm
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taj64
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Im doing well. I am recovering slowly too. I haven't had any bad days, but yet the memory of everything is still there and I am still mad that he put me through all this knowing that he could not give me what I want. I get concerned about the future, whether I will ever trust again, feel good again the way I did with him. I still think about him all too frequently but in much different way now. I do feel more peaceful with acceptance though. And I am not moping around. I am working on things at home. I am in process of reading a book on forgiveness. I am trying to read a little each week on different topics. I still pray for the day when I do not think of him so much. That will be big milestone for me.

September 6, 2005
5:13 pm
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gayle
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You can do it! You are doing it everyday. Take your time, you don't have to do it all today. I am proud of you! You come here and you help me, reading other threads you help lots of us and in a great way! We support eachother and talk about whatever is on our minds! I am here for you! I love to read, that helps me almost as much as therapy. Thank you for inspiring me to be a better mom, last night I really spent one on one time with them and it was great! I hope you have a nice afternoon! Write here anytime! I am here for you!

September 7, 2005
11:58 am
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taj64
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Right now I am not in therapy. I have a lot to say but the past few weeks, I am getting on the site and keeping busy to help others. I have a story too. It is hard to sit and write a book though. I had hard times the past few years. I was caught up in triangle, a man who wanted two women. I am working through the aftermath, reading other people threads is making me see all side to everything. I am reading books, working on house projects, doing things for the kids and I even have the possibility of someone new but I am keeping it at friendship level and not putting time into it right now, since I am trying to recover. I know I cannot start anything romantic until I am completely over this person. I know it will take not just weeks, but months. I do not feel as hurt. I am seeing people out there who started out there like me, making progress and yet see people who may slip now and then yet all want something better and we encourage each other. It is the hope that brings us altogether. Since I no longer suffer the anxiety and my health is very good right now, and I do not have the push/pull of the relationship is helping me along. It truly does have to be a process. You will get my story. It is hard because right now I do not have internet at home, computer problem, so hard for me to get it all into words.

September 7, 2005
12:06 pm
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Anonymous
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taj, whether you tell your story or not - what you do bring to this board is priceless - everyone here is - we all learn and grow and that's what it's all about.

you have helped me more than once - your insight is great and it's great to know that we all help you, if only indirectly.

You seem to be doing the right thing - and I hope you are proud of yourself for moving in a forward and positive direction. I AM in a relationship, and the push/pull is hard - but the rest of my goals and processes are much like yours - I hope it gets easier, cuz I am not sure how strong I can continue to be - I am told that it will get easier and I am banking on that.

thanks for the support you bring to all of us.

September 7, 2005
12:12 pm
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gayle
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Taj, Thank you for sharing with me what you have. It really sounds like you are keeping busy. Remember to take time to honor your feelings. Its easy to get busy to distract ourselves from dealing with things. Sometimes we slip and as long as we get back up and keep going it will be ok. He and I talked for a minute last night and it was nice but not something I want to do on a regular basis. I am still learning about boundries. Prayer seems to work really well for me, sometimes I wake up with anxiety and I work on finding peace. My kids notice it when I am getting out of whack, and it brings me back and I try to center myself. You mentioned you have kids, how many?

September 7, 2005
12:29 pm
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taj64
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I have two kids, a beautiful daughter age 13 and a handsome son age 16. I have had trouble with my son. Since birth, he has been extremely head strong. He is a bit self centered at times. He didn't do well in school last year and added to my stress. We are communicating much better. We have compromised. I have since a lot of changes over the summer. He made a commitment to do better this year. I know I have work on pleasing myself more. It does please me to get back to my house. I was not enthusiastic about life at all a month ago, very depressed. But right now having less stress in my life is great change. It will be gradual process for me, not overnight. I have to take the baby steps in feeling happy again but it is happening. It was traumatic experience to be caught in triangle. I appreciate you thoughfulness.

September 8, 2005
3:51 pm
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gayle
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Taj, I agree with Ali! You do bring so much to us all! Sounds like you have a wonderful family! And you are all working together. I know what you mean about working on things at home, it does feel good to have a sense of accomplishment and know that you did it all by your self. I am just starting that. so far so good. Look how far you have come since a month ago. Thing are more mangable and you have learned so much. Make sure that you don't stuff your feelings, it was hard for me to get angry. It would come out at the wrong times and it took me awhile to get control over my emotions and know it was ok for me to feel however I feel. Your feelings are important b/c you feel them. Keep going with your baby steps. You seem to be really heading in the right direction. I have only been writing here for a little while but I have to say I look forward to coming here. You helped me and I truly appreciate it. Stay focused and strong and know you are not alone. I hope you are having a good day!

September 8, 2005
4:22 pm
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taj64
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Im doing ok. the day is good. I feel angry still but just moments that come and go. I think I am mostly angry for letting myself spin out of control, learning how really coda I am. My past actions even up to the break were clearly of a love addict. Ha, there are two recent posts on here with letters to the ex. My last email was similar but much much short. Yet I too had said that we could not have contact anymore and also said that I wished him well and to love and dance. Yuck, I wished I had not sent it. It was stupid. I was talking to someone who didn't care at the time. but mistake made, lesson learned. My counselor here at work told me if ever I was to see him on the road because like I came out and said in my earlier threads that in the first year into the second year, he was always finding me on the road, a bit of a stalker, that if I was to see him on the road, and we caught each others eye, she suggested I raise a hand to hide my face like a stop sign to indicate that I didn't want to deal with him. That is what I will only I won't get the chance, nor do I want to. It was guy in love with me, pursued me, caught me, drowned me, table were turned relationship. My life will change for the better, it is slowly, it is changing, in small ways. Thank you very much Gayle for listening to me.

September 8, 2005
4:36 pm
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gayle
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I am glad you are having a good day! Don't be angry at yourself for being CODA, you have taken the hardest step and recognized it! ((((TAJ)))) Great JOB!! You read books, you talk to your counselor at work, you come here and talk to us, you spend time with your kids, you work on your house, you help all of us! You have created quite a wonderful little nest for yourself and you are doing better everyday! Take care of you first- remember that! Remember to say no. You have been through quite a bit. Thank you for sharing more of your story with me, I am honored. You have much to be proud of, you have come along way. There is always futher to go for us all but it always starts with that first step. I am so proud of you for getting out of a bad situation and moving forward with your life. I am at work right now too and I wish I could say more! Take care Taj! See you tomorrow!

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