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Taj & , I need you! I am turning into a Psycho
June 28, 2006
2:42 pm
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Anonymous
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Hi mumubaby89, glad you are here!

June 28, 2006
2:42 pm
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Lost,

I am AGAIN in the same spot you are, in that this is the FIRST time I have not jumped to find a new man...in fact, I have match.com profile, which took me a month or so to renew....but have not pursued it at all...casually search once in a while, but not really interested in what I am finding.

I am happy being single....tho I have my bad days where I sit around feeling sorry for myself, being angry at him, and hoping he will come back.....but I realize that's only going to prolong the pain.

Happiness is a choice, and I think that's my goal....cuz the way I have been living isn't any fun....and I want more....and the only way I am going to get it is to do it myself.

also, I ALSO had the same rocky start to our relationship....I was dating doug, and looking for someone new, E came along, and "rescued" me from doug....but doug wanted me back, so I gave it "one more try", to E's dismay....but that only lasted about six weeks, and then E asked for me back and I was fed up with doug once and for all and left....

E claims that he gave me his heart in the beginning, but when I went back to doug, he shut down and that was the beginning of the end...I won't be the one to blame for this....but it makes me wonder....would we have had a better relationship if those games hadn't happened??? reality is that it probably would have made no difference.....the issues were his finances, his wife and his lack of desire to be in CT.....the rest were all just symptoms of the bigger issues....and his cheating!!!

anyway, we deserve more, and these guys just aren't capable of giving it.

June 28, 2006
3:04 pm
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atalose
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((Feelingfree))
so far it's been 2 months. My story is very different, my fiance(ex) resurrected a drug habit that we both long though was gone. He started using steriods which lead to other things such as pot, coke, pills. I left him when I discovered all that and he didn't seem real interested in getting himself help. After I left he went kind of crazy and used allot of drugs which lead him to make some pretty threatening phone calls to me. I got a restraining order and he ended up in jail for 12 days. He lost his business, his place to live and me. He went directly from jail to a rehab for 28 days. He cannot contact me but has through a mutual friend. He was released last week from rehab and soon realized how messed up he allowed his life to become. He wants so much to talk with me and have me help him through this, but I know I can't, only he can get himself through it. He knows I support him in getting help but that I need to work on me too. He is wanting me to sit down and talk with him and a therapist when he gets back but he is willing at this point to do what he has to do to get better. Those first few weeks were killers for me and my emotions. He's as far from what you would think a drug addict is like so you can imagine how my whole world was shattered with all this. I still have days where I just want to call him up, send him an e-mail but I know for the best for us both, I can't do that right now.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

June 28, 2006
3:22 pm
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feelingfree
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((atalose)),

I apologize.. I DID read your story in another thread and you were actually one of the very first people I ever responded to. I had been reading posts on here for over a year before actually posting myself.

Our stories my be different in some respects- but overall- very much the same. We've both gone thru drug abuse. My ex-husband was an addict all thru our marriage. Same deal- pills and coke. He also lost everything- his business and our home (which he signed over to me). I don't want to say he lost "us", because we still maintain a relationship. He too was the last person you'd think would have a drug problem.

I don't blame you for being scared and for not wanting to deal with him.. and I applaud you for putting your feelings and yourself FIRST!

June 28, 2006
3:29 pm
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feelingfree
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Feelinglost,

I am so glad you posted that story! It gives me much more insight to the person you are. You have been posting only about your now-x and not much about YOU. Rock bottom- yes, you're right, that's what I hit after the pregnancy. And you definitely hit yours (bottle of pills?! Thank God you're ok!!)

After everything you've accomplished, you should be so proud of yourself! OK- this relationship with Mr. X (that's funny!) went down hill.. no biggie. You will survive it and are sooo young- you have your whole life ahead of you! Fresh start- exactly! And awesome that you made yourself a therapy appt!

June 28, 2006
3:38 pm
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Feelingfree,
Thank You! I have definetly had an interesting life! LOL My therapist thinks it is becasue of traumatic childhood experiences. I was adopted by grandparents, my bio parents are drug addicts and I never met my bio mother.

My grandparent we great except my grandmother was bio-polar. She used to scream, call me names, throw things and then tell me she is lucky she took me or no one would have wanted me! I found her in the bathroom one time trying to slit her wrist. Then after all of that she would be the most loving person in the world, very strange. As I have gotten older she has gotten much better and I understand that she must have been through a lot in her life and I can forgive, at least now if she starts to yell I tell her I am hanging up and I will talk to her later. It was funny I saw myself becoming like that and man was it an eye opener!

Anyway I think that is where my abandoment/co-dependency issues come from. I guess I don't want to be "left" or feel like I am not good enough, I always want to prove I am "worthy" of love. All things that I am slowly working on!

June 28, 2006
7:27 pm
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I was doing good, I left work went for a walk. Then reality set in when I got home. There is no one to give me a kiss or hug me, no one to make dinner for. I am sitting here crying thinking about us. He just got a new house, I helped him move and unpack for days, and we went and picked out furniture and everything together, he let me decorate. I honestly thought we were moving in together and our relationship was getting better. Boy was I wrong. I started thinking about this weekend and how we talked about having a house warming party, I guess thats going to happen without me now. I was so wrong about everything!

June 28, 2006
8:53 pm
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1lost1
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(((FL)))

June 28, 2006
9:04 pm
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lost,

I KNOW the feeling.

during the week I am ok, because he wasn't usually home during the week.

but weekends are lonely...and no matter how hard I try, everyone always seems too busy to hang out with me.

so the weekends are spent lonely and miserable.

so, yeah, I know the feeling.

but I think what happens is we start seeing the reality of "what really is", instead of the rose colored reality we saw before....and it hurts to see how blind we were, how much we were in denial, how much dellusion we lived with....and it HURTS because we feel stupid for being that way. I know that's how I feel anyway....like a big jackass....and then I get angry....and then I get mad at myself for missing him....and I get angry at him for taking advantage of me....and before you know it, my head and heart are ALL OVER THE PLACE....what makes it worse is when I see his myspace profile, or his posts on dodge truck world....about him and his new GF...THAT hurts....I want him miserable....I don't want him to be happy....I want him to suffer.

but, if I stop and think about it....maybe he is?, and his happy act is all an ACT....can anyone really change that much in two months??? I think not.

anyway, it hurts....it sucks....but we get thru it.

my neighbors have started getting friendly, it only took a year....granted they are all ten years younger than me....but we all sit outside and chat and socialize together.....the kids play....the baby keeps us entertained....if I didn't have this distraction at night, I probably would go stir crazy....or be on here a helluva lot more.

one moment at a time is sometimes the best you can do.

June 28, 2006
9:35 pm
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ALI,
OMG! I keep looking at his myspace too and he still has it listed that he is in a relationship and has pictures of us. I keep checking it waiting for it to change. I am obsessed with. I know this is for the best but I will be devestated when I see the single status. I find the weekend lonley especially on Sunday because that was our family day. As much as I wanted to tell myself this is what is meant to bre it hurts so bad... I went to the grocery store and it was on the way to his house and I lost it. Then I was in the grocery store and saw his favorite ice cream that I would always buy "choc chip cookie dough" and then I am crying all over again. i got to spend some quality time at the grocery store picking out my paper towel pattern. Pretty Pathetic, huh?

June 28, 2006
9:38 pm
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mine never even posted pics of us, or listed he was in a relationship with me....then when he started dating the new girl, changed his status to in relationship and posted pics of them together IMMEDIATELY....boy did that hurt.

June 28, 2006
9:45 pm
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Aghhhh, why the games? Well before the cheating incident he said he had his staus as single because "we aren't married" god am i dumb. Is this really going to get better?

Why do people we love hurts us so much?

June 28, 2006
9:48 pm
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You know I feel like I lost him and my dream. When I was at the grocery store I bought a black sharpie and came home and put a BIg x on my calander because I made it a whole 24 hours with out contacting him. I figure I will get my digital camera when I am strong enough or maybe I will be lucky enough for him just to drop my stuff off here.

June 28, 2006
9:54 pm
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yeah, he said he didn't post "in a relationship" because he didn't need anybody knowing his personal business......then posted it the minute he left me and started dating her....go figure....claims it was to ward off all the "friends" requests he was getting...whatever....didn't do that when we were together...or at my request....asshole.

yes, it will get better...I think I am a few steps ahead of you....in terms of "accepting"....I still have my moments....but yeah, overall, it gets better....time does heal, as stupid as it sounds....

June 28, 2006
9:59 pm
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I feel like I lost my dream too.

but I realize that it was a fantasy, and not reality.

and in the end, this is someone that would NOT have been a good partner for me long term....I would have been miserable....

you see, this one was not exactly the "friend" that you describe yours to be....he could be supportive when he wanted to be...he could be gentle and caring and "loving" when he wanted to be....but most of the time, I fought for his attention, and fought about the circumstances he put us in.....

now, my OTHER ex, WAS my best friend....and that took a while to get over....and in some ways, I wonder if I ever did....my current ex thinks I never did and that I am still hooked on him and I am sure on some levels is thinking that's why this all fell apart....cuz my heart wasn't in it....truth is, my heart WAS in it....I just got nothing in return.

anyway, my other ex....he and I were friends, we had fun together, we had great experiences together, his family loved me, and I kinda liked them....my family loves everyone, so that doesn't really matter....he was loyal and honest to a fault....granted he wasn't dependable or reliable...but that was a symptom of his drinking, which was the bigger issue....

in any case, if I can get over THAT relationship, I am SURE you can get over yours.

it just takes TIME.

June 28, 2006
10:13 pm
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It was nice talking to you ((((Ali))). I will post in the morning. I need to rest my tired eyes and give my mind a break. TTYL

June 28, 2006
10:17 pm
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PS- I liked the days before myspace.com!

June 28, 2006
10:38 pm
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yeah, I don't like myspace either...just a bunch of unhealthy people tryig to make themselves look like someone "important" or "loved" or get attention.

that was another thing about my "other" ex - he didn't have a computer and ONLY used his cell phone for work purposes...in fact, hated the phone....so our time was OUR time....and there wasn't any distractions and the only women he was staring at was the women in his "maxim" magazines and that was something I could handle...I even read the articles in there....

I need to find a man that is not addicted to the internet, or a need for all the attention seeking.

June 29, 2006
2:29 am
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1lost1
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((alicat)))

June 29, 2006
7:25 am
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Omg! am I going to wake up every morning bawling my eyes out just praying for the hurting to stop? I just want him to call or say something to me and put me out of my misery. I know that would just start the pain all over again but every part of my body hurts. I don't know if i can do this...........

June 29, 2006
8:27 am
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lost, you CAN do this.

I know the pain - it DOES go away.

let me ask you this - have you considered therapy? meds? natural remedies?

the ONLY thing helping me keep my composure is a combo of things - eating right, taking my anti-depressant, taking my natural supplements, and reviewing all the stuff I learned in therapy and coda meetings.

I have the same kind of days you do - they are just less frequent these days. On rainy days, I want someone to snuggle with...I don't miss HIM, I miss someone...in fact, if he was in bed, he was sleeping...he wasn't the type to lay around snuggling and talking....the other ex, yeah, we could do that for hours.

what you are craving is probably the need for SOMEONE, rather than "him" specifically....cuz you know that if you had him, you would get the chaos with it....what you want is "him" withOUT the chaos....and that's not possible.

one moment at a time if that's what it takes.

June 29, 2006
8:28 am
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feelingfree
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Hey feelinglost,

Just wanted to say hello and see how you were doing. I'm sorry you woke up crying. I think first think in the AM is the worst- because it's the first thought that hits your brain. But no- you WONT wake up every morning bawling your eyes out. Just in the beginning. And crying is the BEST therapy. You need to let it out. Ever notice how after a good cry, you seem to feel a little better/stronger?

June 29, 2006
8:45 am
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HI feeling Lost, sorry haven't posted much. Ya know, this is the hard part of it all, the really rough part is the first few weeks or so. It is such hard work, hard process. The mornings are usually hardest. But later in the day things will seem brighter. Just take everything as it comes and know IT WILL PASS. It is ok to feel sad. I would try not to get on myspace and do things to put yourself in position to feel more pain. You have enough to do with just thinking about this loss. Put everything on a shelf right now except your feelings which are terribly hurt right now. It is important not to hide them, but to feel them. Try to do little things for yourself for now, pampering like you are sick child. See the beauty in small things right now and it will help. And keep in mind that this all happened for a reason that you may not understand for now but you will someday. (((hugs for Feeling Lost)))

June 29, 2006
8:48 am
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lost...do you have pets? will your apartment owner allow them?

I found that the BEST remedy for morning blues is waking up to my cat snuggling up against my chest, wanting to be pet....and petting him is SOOTHING....and that's why animals are brought into hospitals and nursing homes - because it's theraputic.

perhaps getting an older cat that is luvey duvey from a shelter, or an older dog that is well behaved might help with the blues?

June 29, 2006
8:51 am
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Ali,
Thank you, right now it just feels unbearble. I feel worse today then they day it happened. I have a therapy appointment 7/20 but thats along time away. I want to get in sooner but that was the first appointment they had. I was taking 10 mg of prozac and I had stopped about a month ago. I started taking them again.

I don't want to eat, the very thought makes me feel like I am going to get sick.

I am disappointed because I was supposed to go to dinner with a girl from work and she canceled. A bunch of other people invited me out to a place I love but I KNOW my ex will be there and I can't deal with that. So now all of my friends will be out having fun and I will be alone again.
This is pathetic but I just want someone to hug me so bad and tell me it will be ok.

Maybe you are right, I don't miss him I just miss someone.

I am also stressing because Sunday my girlfriend asked me to go somewhere with her. Everyone rides motorcyles and we were just going to ride in the car. She asked me if I knew anyone we could ride with and I found two of my friends who said they would go with us. Then she tell me two of my ex's friends are going. I want to go so bad but I don't want to deal with the hassle of everyone asking me where the ex is and what happened. I am also afraid he might show up or everyone will make a big deal that I invited my guy friends.

My mind is on overdrive today...

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