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Taj & , I need you! I am turning into a Psycho
June 27, 2006
8:29 pm
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taj64
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Me either. But it is time for you to figure that out. What a great opportunity though it definately doesn't seem like it now. PLEASE just cry cry cry a river. He keeps telling you what he wants, and same old answer, and that is that I want to be ALONE. He has told you the whole time. But your heart doesn't want to hear it. It is ok. It is not your fault he cannot give you wnat you want. It hurts like HELL. And it will hurt for long time. But the sooner you accept it the better, dry your eyes, and keep coming on here, join no contact club, talk talk talk. You're beautiful girl, can give a lot, you show it but showing it to wrong person. Give away to someone who will appreciate your love and also respect it. I'll be around and so will many others. It is time to rely on shoulders, ones that are there.

June 27, 2006
8:31 pm
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Sex is temporary fix. You know this.

June 27, 2006
8:42 pm
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elizabeth anne
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Feeling lost

Sometimes when we face the person our emotions take a toll and we do things beyond our control, because it comes from the heart. What I have learned the more unpredicatable I am the more he comes back to me. Not on purpose, but just tired of the bullsht.

Once I took a stand for myself (really) I looked at him as a friend maybe??? Once I let myself go as being a victim and considered myself lucky he could even have contact with me, I realized maybe in some way he was missing me too... It doesn/t have to be all about them. Self confidence does wonders for those that aren/t used to it

June 27, 2006
9:01 pm
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Honolulugal
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elizabeth anne,

You hit the nail on the head! Being unpredictable is just the ticket. As you say, too bad that sometimes we can only be unpredictable when we aren't necessarily meaning to be!

Still, this is a trait that all men realize and most find fascinating, to some degree. Use it freely!

H-gal

June 27, 2006
9:11 pm
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Anonymous
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lost, if it's any consolation, you are not the ONLY one doing this.

I can't seem to stay in no contact, and while I didn't ask him to sleep with me, I DID ask for a second chance.

what was I thinking?

thankfully, I realized how stupid that was, and got all pissed off and angry and started ranting like a lunatic...which totally pissed him off.

I know that a second chance is not what we need - no contact is.

and I know that a second chance is not going to work - because the issues are still there - I want to be in CT, he wants to be in NY, his family treats me like garbage and he is still married and still broke.

so, figure out the critical issues - don't focus on the good stuff, focus on what drove you apart...and keep that as a reminder...write it down if you ahve to

and don't beat yourself up for backsliding, we all make mistakes....sometimes we take two steps forward and one step back, sometimes two or three back, but in the end, we know we are doing the right thing.

June 28, 2006
8:39 am
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Anonymous
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It means so much to me that everyone is helping me, it amazes me that people who have never even met me can be so kind. It means so much, I want to respond to post indvidually but I just haven't had the energy. I just want to let you know that read and re-read all of your post. Last night, I decided to wipe the tears off my face and go meet my girlfriend and her mom for dinner. I really didn't feeling like going out but I did. I actually saw an old classmate, he was a couple of years older then me but I always had a crush on him. I don't plan on being in any relationship any time soon but it was nice to feel beautiful. He gave me his phone number and told me when I am ready to give him a call. It was nice to feel wanted but when I woke up this morning reality struck that my relationship is really over and that hurts in every part of my body. Me and the ex were supposed to go away this weekend. Instead my friends have rallied around me and have made plans for me Thursday-Tuesday! LOL Its probably what I need. Why does this have to hurt so bad?

June 28, 2006
10:40 am
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Anonymous
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I just need to vent I was thinking about our conversation last night. He said stuff that was contradictory. He said that he didn't want to be with me because he didn't think I would ever trust him. Then he would say it because he didn't know what he wants. I told him not to use the trust thing as an excuse because I was willing to work on it if he was. Then he said last thursday when I kept calling him was a wake up call, that thing would never change. I am so hurt but I guess I have to accept it. but his comments about maybe he will change in a couple of weeks haunts my head. Do you think he is going to try and waltz back in my life when he realizes the grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. Also when is he going to get his stuff? Plus he has my stuff & my house key too, I refuse to call him to ask him to bring it over. Hopefully he will use his key to get into my house bring my stuff & take his with him. I think he like palying mind games. At least knowing where I stand I can start to heal. he said he didn't want to work on things and now i have to let go.....

June 28, 2006
10:56 am
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Hello Im glad you vent cause you need to at this time. But i do see you finding any loophole you can in his words that will bring him back to you. If you pay attention closely he really isn't portraying what you think he is. For three years I heard the same thing, "I don't know what I want" My guy was married. What he is really saying to you, I want you but I also want to be single and be with other women". My married guy, same thing, I want you but I also want my wife. They cannot have it both ways because a someone gets hurt and badly. In my case it was me, and also his wife but they are able to work on it where as i have to accept the loss and Im still trying to this day. when a guy says I don't know I want, believe him. And understand that he means I cannot commit to you. It is hard reality but that is what it is. Quit trying to find hope in this man even the smallest amount. Don't hold on for reasons to see him or contact him like personal possessions, it is only going to keep you drawn in. Im not saying forget about it cause that you cannot do but you really have to cut this loose and get yourself apart so that you grow and go in different direction.

June 28, 2006
11:29 am
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FL,

I suggest you buy the book "Men who cannot love"... it's about commitmentphobic men. Everything he is doing/saying is TEXTBOOK!!!! He cannot commit to be with you and he cannot commit to be without you either. He's keeping you in limbo. Bottom line... He is having his cake and eating it too. He wants to play around right now and he's giving himself a couple of weeks to sow some oats. When he's done (bored with the new conquest), he'll see how he feels and decide THEN whether or not he feels like being with you or not!! Should it be that easy for him? Do you really want to be waiting around for him to test out the waters elsewhere??

He's not getting his stuff, because that would be a FINAL decision and he CANNOT decide. He's not lying. He really doesn't know what he wants!! He doesn't want to end things with you permanently because he MIGHT want you back, so he doesn't want to burn that bridge... BUT, he doesn't want to give up other women/freedom either. He can't have both!!!

Honestly, he is not behaving like a man who wants to be in a committed relationship with ANYONE! Any guy that goes out to bars with his buddies several times a week is up to NO GOOD!! Trust me... I've lived this EXACT life!!! You've been having trust issues with him for a while and you were blaming YOURSELF for it!! Ugh!!!!! That infuriates me!!!! You were trusting your GUT!!! It was telling you that he was not being honest with you. You know all of the answers... you just don't want to.

I'm sorry. I feel badly that you are going through this. I went through all of these same emotions last summer. I was a mess! It consumed me. I lost 20 lbs from the stress and inability to eat. It was awful.

The book is soooo completely accurate, it made me feel physically ill. I can't recommend it enough. It will definitely help you feel less "crazy"... It's not YOU!!!!

Stay strong.

TC

June 28, 2006
11:59 am
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Anonymous
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Taj, You are probably right. I almost hope he just takes my stuff to my house when I am at work because I really don't want to see him. The funny thing is last night I bawled my eyes out but when I looked at him at listen to him lie it was one of the first times he ever became unattractive to me. Taj, you have been so wonderful. Thank you and I really do value your opinon. I hope it ok if i keep posting my random thoughts. Its kind of cool because its like a diary for me to look over.

(((TAJ)))

June 28, 2006
12:08 pm
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Anonymous
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(((((((TAJ64))))))
((((((TC66)))))
((((((Jenni)))))
((((((smarterone)))))
((((((feelingfree)))))
((((((1lost1)))))
((((((ALICAT)))))
((((((atalose)))))
((((((Honolulugal)))))
((((((guest_guest)))))
((((((kroika)))))
((((((jastypes)))))
((((((JT05tappb)))))
((((((Sleepingbeauty)))))
((((((lucky7)))))
((((((sleeplessinuk)))))
((((((alycia)))))
((((((thumkin)))))
((((((jeninnewmexico)))))
Hope I did miss any one and I hope I keep getting such wonderful help.

FL

June 28, 2006
12:10 pm
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Anonymous
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lost,

I think you are going thru the same stuff I am going thru.

I WANT to hear him say he will be mine forever and always.

But i KNOW it ain't happening.

But still, I wish for it.

And I am going thru the same thing as far as hearing only what I want to hear and looking for a glimmer in the words he says, a small "nugget" of promise that it will "be".

we soooooooooooooo much deserve better.

I am back on my plan to rework my lifestyle, so that I get out of my house, away from the computer (waiting for him to contact me) and living life and recovery.....in hopes that I become a woman that a healthy man will notice and appreciate.

right now, I am a scorned ex GF who sits hom waiting for the ex who abused me to come back and be "different"...make all my problems go away....and it just doesn't work like that.

June 28, 2006
12:11 pm
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Anonymous
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TC,
I am definetly going to read that book. You are absolutley right he want to have his cake and eat it too. But I have cried, and begged, and peladed so many times I guess its time to accept reality, it's over and thats what he is saying to me with his actions and words.

June 28, 2006
12:29 pm
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feelingfree
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(((feelinglost))), (((alicat)))..

I have not been able to share this up until now. But I feel comfortable with the friends on this board, so I want to tell you this story because I know what the 2 of you are feeling.

I had an on again/off again (mostly OFF) 'relationship' with a man that I knew did not love me. But I loved him and allowed him to use me at his whim. Each time I told myself it would be different. Each time he was manipulative and charming. And each time I ended up being dropped again- and hurt all over again.

I attempted NC for 3 months. From last Oct-December. I felt wonderful. And then he sent me an email. HE reached out to ME. What a feeling!

Knowing full well I should not go back, I did anyway (but managed to hold off for 2 months). He told me he had "changed". It was music to my ears. I waited a long time for that- and I wanted to believe it.

First night of seeing him, we had se&. 2 weeks later, our date ended with him asking me to leave (typical).
I was finished. I told myself that was the LAST TIME I would believe him.

Unfortunately- 10 days later (NC by me or him), I found out I was pregnant. It was devastating. I had taken the day after pill- and it didn't take.

I knew I wasn't keeping the child. I am 39 years old- with a 15 year old son. I was not about to ruin his life, or my own, with a child out of wedlock- and most certainly not one from a man who did not love me.
(apologize up front to those who are not pro-choice).

I called him to tell him- just because I thought he had a right to know. He would not take my calls- so I was forced to leave a message on his voicemail. One hell of a way to do something like that. I told him in the message that I didn't want anything from him- no money- just wanted him to know.

To this day- he has never contacted me. It happened in Feb- 4 months ago.

Ladies- I learned THE HARDEST WAY EVER. I am pleading with you to take care of yourselves and to never let a man manipulate you. They do not change. You deserve happiness- and that comes from INSIDE- not from any man.

I was brought to my knees by this man-but I have learned from it, accepted it, and have grown from it. I have maintained NC thru it all and I have slowly regained my self esteem.

You can do it!!

June 28, 2006
12:35 pm
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Anonymous
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Free,

thank you for sharing your story, it has to be your worst nightmare and for that, I feel bad for you.

I am thankful, in that I know that my ex won't try to come back....all he is trying to do is "clear his concience" more or less, as well as maintain the friendship....he has issues with "letting go" - because as a child, his dad died, so now he has HUGE issues with saying goodbye to anyone....plus, he doesn't like the idea of me thinking of him as a monster, or a user/abuser.....but I refuse to make him feel good about all this.

I am glad I won't have to face the next 18 years raising a child with this man, although, that was exactly what we were trying for...that dream has died....along with alot of other dreams.

I just hope he "stays gone" so I don't have to deal with the mind games...I did block his IM and emails...so we shall see.

in the meantime, I also have to stay strong, because my ex, the one I left for this recent guy, has been in touch and playing nice, and I miss what we had....I know the issues remain, but on my end, MY issues are better....all in all, I know I can't go back....but part of me wants to be loved so badly that it's getting "impatient" and I fear possibly impulsive.

I start meetings and church again soon, hopefully that will help me get my head on straight.

June 28, 2006
12:44 pm
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feelingfree
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alicat,

Thank you for your understanding. Yes- 'nightmare' is the perfect word to describe what it was.

Did you say your ex was married during your relationship? Sorry if I'm confusing you with someone else- but I thought I had read that? How long did you have a relationship with him?

June 28, 2006
1:06 pm
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Anonymous
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he was married.

she left him seven months before we met....it was "over" from a physical standpoint.

we were together for a little more than two years...and during that time, there were more excuses than I can remember about why they couldn't file for divorce.

they STILL haven't filed....it's been three years....like I said, he has issues with saying "goodbye" and maintains a friendship with her too.

I kept waiting for things to be fixed....kept believing the empty promises....when we first met, I told him I wouldn't date him until the divorce got filed, he promised it would be soon.....two years later, still hearing the same thing....and mostly, he claims it's cuz it costs so much and he is dead broke....adn she won't file cuz she wants him back.

you didn't confused me with anyone, I dated a married man.

June 28, 2006
1:18 pm
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feelingfree
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Well, in my eyes, if she left him 7 months before you even met him, then I can see why you would have felt 'safe' getting involved. I'm glad you stopped believing the promises- and understand how hard that must have been for you.

A very close friend of mine had an affair with a married man over 4 years ago.. she's long since divorced her husband to be with him.. and he is still not with her to this day. Last I heard, he was in the process of divorce, but he lives 600 miles away, so there's a lot area in between there for lies. I don't trust that he'll ever be with her.. and I believe she will spend the rest of her life 'waiting' for him.

I'm glad you chose to end it and I hope you find someone worthy of your love one day. Until then, focus on yourself and enjoy life! Getting back into social situations (meetings/church) is a great start.

Stay strong!

June 28, 2006
1:46 pm
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feeling,
Thank you for sharing you story. It so comforting to have a place to come and share. I am sorry you had such a horrible experience it must have been awful. How are you doing now?
((FEELING))

June 28, 2006
1:57 pm
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Feeling & ALI,

When I met my current boyfriend I was at the end of a bad relationship and he was married. He told me he was leaving his wife and eventually filed for divorce. I struggled with leaving my bf at the time because I loved him but he didn't want kids. Anyway my bf now and I started getting more serious I got pregnant too. I was devastated because that is not how I wanted it to happen. It was such a hard decision but given our situations we decided not to keep the baby. I was only a few weeks along so I took the abortion pill. It was a hard and very emotional decision but I was not in a good place with my bulimia, my life, and he was married.

Anyway on the spur of the moment we moved in together and my ex asked me to come back and I went. We were broken up for a few months and his wife moved back in. There was ALOT of craziness at the beginning of our relationship.

Eventually he got divorced, I bought a house and things seemed great. Great, until he started going out and drinking all of the time. One of my gf's was best friends with his ex-wife and she said we sounded identical in our complaints about my BF. So maybe it is a pattern with him. I am kind of proud of myself, this is the first time I have never looked for another person as a back up plan.Pretty pathetic but that is what I have done all of my life. Hopefully I will be able to make some positive changes in my life.

That felt good to get that out.....I guess he is my ex now not bf anymore!

June 28, 2006
2:07 pm
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atalose
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((feelingfree)) ((Feelinglost))
feelingfree thank you for sharing your story. I think all of us have had unhealthy relationships, I think that's how we've all grown and learned. Some of us have learned through our heartbreak and pain while others are just begining that learning journey. I stayed in a bad relationship,holding onto every word he said or I assumed he meant. Every e-mail I read more into it then it really was, ever phone call I convenced myself, it was because he loved and missed me so much, but the facts remained the facts, he was emotionaly distant, didn't want a committment and only wanted me on his terms when it was convient for him. For my sanity, I needed to not have any contact with him at all, no e-mails, no phone calls, nothing. Looking back now, those first few weeks were horriable and filled with pain and self pity. But the heart settles down, feelinglost I know you will survive this and I know it's so hard right now and your emotions are all over the place. But you will survive it and the outcome will be a much stronger feelingfree!!

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

June 28, 2006
2:17 pm
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feelingfree
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feelinglost,

Thank you for your kind post.
Wow- you were ALSO thru alot! If I am understanding this, when you first moved in with your now-ex, your OLD ex asked you to come back and you went? Was he also married (little confused because you said his wife moved back in). Maybe you can clarify that part of your story to me.

You said this is the 'first time you never looked for another person as a back up plan'. Know exactly what you're saying there.

I bounced from man to man to man after my separation/divorce from my husband. I'm assuming I did that because we were together 19 years and I didn't know what being "alone" meant- nor did I want any part of it.

I could write a book about that- but will spare you the ugly details.. lol.. it included the relationship with 'the devil' (as I now refer to him.. lol) and some other 'flings'.. and it took the pregnancy to wake me up. Enough was enough. I realized I was the only person hurting ME. No one was doing it TO me.. I was doing it to myself by making bad choices and getting involved with the wrong type of man.

You asked me how I was doing now. I am trying to turn my life around. I have maintained a friendship with my ex-husband throughout all of this. Seems we're closer now then when we were married. He knows everything that has happened to me, and has been very supportive.

I'm no longer dating or having 'flings'. I am healing more every day. I promised myself no more pain. I put myself first and try and make the right decisions for ME. I VALUE myself more now than ever.
And most of all- I have FORGIVEN myself for my mistakes and for hurting myself.

I'm proud of you for reaching a point of acceptance. You will bounce back and forth between that and wanting to go back.. and wanting him back.. but that is natural. Just try and put yourself first. Stop thinking about him, and thing of YOU.

June 28, 2006
2:20 pm
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feelingfree
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(((atalose))),

How long have you maintained NC? Just curious.. (good for you!)

June 28, 2006
2:24 pm
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mumubaby89
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hi im here

June 28, 2006
2:41 pm
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Sorry feeling! For this story I will call the current ex "Mr. X" and the previous ex "mr. Y" will that work?

i was living with "Mr. Y" (not married) & met "Mr. X" (married)

"Mr Y. and i had been together for three years. I loved him very much but he didn't want to get married and haver kids, I started looking for an apartment and he told me no need to rush.

So in the mean time I met "Mr. x" who was married. We wen out a few times and I continued to look for an apartment. In the mean Mr. X got imaptient and wanted me to move in with him. I left Mr. Y.

A few months after living with Mr. x, Mr. Y begged me to come back and I did. To be honest I didn't know what the hell I was doing, In hind sight running form everything and looking for a man to make me feel better. I was afraid I couldn't make it on my own.

I honestly was a complete mess, so I have come along way in two years and have learned a lot about myself.....

I am glad you are taking care of yourself! I think the pregnancy was the changing factor for me too, however I spiraled sown hill after that for 6 months. August 21st last year, my birthday I hit rock bottom and I do mean rock bottom! i took a whole bottle of sleeping pills after having a fight with Mr.x and finding out Mr. Y had been seeing my best friend and got her pregnant, I think she trapped him but I guess it doesn't matter at this point.

It was like a bolt of lighting I thought to myself you are 25 and its time to get your crap together,
My life wasn't a life at all but a Jerry Springer show! Ever since then i have been getting my life back.I went to counseling, went to a spsecialist for my eating disorder, I bought a house, did some charity work, rekindled some old friendships, made new friends and became closer with my family. Even me and Mr. x were doing good and then things went dwon hill with him a few months ago. Maybe it will be nice to have a fresh start. One thing I did do was schedule a therapy appointment for me. Thanks for listening

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