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Taj & , I need you! I am turning into a Psycho
June 26, 2006
10:16 am
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taj64
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Feeling lost, I know you are hurting so badly but why torture yourself like this. The guy has broken with you and yet you are still hearing words that lead you on to believe that you have a relationship. As soon as you accept that this relationship is over, you will be able to move much more quickly than hanging and dangling with false hope. Even if he does come back around, he is going to treat you the same way. What kind of friend tells your BF that you are ugly, that is extremely rude. Please take care of your cold, your work, your hurt feelings and know they are ok for now. But it is not ok to keep hanging on to a man that cannot and won't commit to you and one that treats you badly. Your self esteem keeps get lower and lower the more you stay involved with him and his friends. Start fresh though hard, and you will make it. 🙂 hugs for you TAJ

June 26, 2006
10:18 am
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feelingfree
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The email was hard for me to understand- but I think I 'got' the part about him relaying that she said you were 'ugly'. Nice guy.
You said you 'talked to him'.. how exactly? Phone? IM chat?

June 26, 2006
10:23 am
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Anonymous
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sorry it was an im. When I pasted it it came out screwed up!

June 26, 2006
10:37 am
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feelingfree
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I would suggest stopping chat conversations with him, as well as phone, or any type of communication, period. I agree with Taj64 101%
You must let go and move on.

June 26, 2006
10:39 am
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atalose
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Feelinglost,
"You can't morn the death of the relationship, if you are still dancing with the corps". I was in your place a number of years ago. I was so in love with this guy, we went out and broke up several times over a course of 3 1/2 years. He would always end it, but still want to keep in touch, be friends, talk on the phone everyday, he wanted things exactely like they were except for the committment and intimacy. I realized that if I didn't change something then our relationship was never going to change. After him telling him, he though it was best that we didn't see each other anymore, that he wasn't sure what he wanted and if at this point in his life, a committed relationship was going to work for him. It took all I had not to call him, not to e-mail him. About a week later he called, as if nothing happened and I explained to him that I though it was best if we didn't have any contact and just moved on with our lives. He was shocked to say the least, he also got angry because he wasn't in control. I learned that I needed to morn him and the relatioship and by having contact with him, I wasn't doing that, I wasn't allowing myself to move on. I keep telling myself that the relationship we did have was not one I wanted in the future. If he were ever going to come back, it would be a new relationship a healthier relationshp. I was able to let go of the old, unhealthy one. Yes I cried, I stopped eating I was unble to focus, felt depressed, that is all normal as long as it does not go on for a long time. Greiving a relationship ending may take a long time depending on how long you were together, but each day does get better, you'll find you cry less often, you'll start to eat and you'll enjoy going out with friends. If you are still calling him, e-mailing him, nothing is changing, it's the same old same old. Who knows by you taking a stronger stance, staying away, telling him to stay away, truely giving him time to feel his life without you, maybe he'll realize exactely the great person he has lost.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

June 26, 2006
10:50 am
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FL,

I'm going to be honest with you because it kills me to see what you are doing to yourself right now!!! When you "talked" to him this morning... who initiated the talk? Did he contact you?? It sounds like you messaged him and asked him some questions about whether or not he REALLY wanted to break up?? Is that true? Are you trying to get him to change his mind? What is it that you WANT him to say??? He does not seem ready, able or willing to say what you want to hear. I know you are hoping that he'll see the light and decide that YOU ARE THE ONE that he cannot live without... but listen... based on past experience... this man is most likely involved in another relationship at the moment. In his mind, he has broken up with you. He is free to date whomever he chooses. I'd bet my life that is exactly what he is doing right now. Don't bother asking him, because he'll NEVER tell you the truth!! While he has cut you loose... he
s smart enough to know that if he keeps saying "I don't know what I want" that he will be able to keep you dangling in the background just in case it doesn't work out with bachelorette #1... He's acting confused and unsure of things, to envoke pity from you!!!! Don't fall for it!!!

Please do not keep throwing yourself at this man!!! It only gives him more control and power! He KNOWS that he can do whatever (and WHOEVER) he wants and you'll still be a loyal loving puppy waiting at home with his slippers! He WILL be back!! When he's done with his newest fling... he'll get bored and come looking for you!!!! He'll throw out the "L" word to suck you back in. PLEASE see that he is not the man you HOPED he would be.

I would strongly suggest that you do not contact him, his friends or his mother again... for a little while. It will not change anything. It will only piss him off and make you look pathetic. Don't let him do that to you. Take your power back...

I'm sorry it I've upset you but I've been there and heard the exact same words from a man.... Remember... HE BROKE UP WITH YOU!!! Break-ups are not negotiable. They suck!! They are painful, confusing and difficult! Allow yourself to be sad and realize that you cannot change him or this situation. The sooner you stop trying to... the sooner you'll be able to move on.

TC

June 26, 2006
10:59 am
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taj64
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yes, I understand exactly what atalose is saying. That is exactly the process i went through as well. Hurts like heck anything to be with the person you love and you know is not good for you. And it is so true, that you really don't get over a person when you continue putting yourself in the relationship, like text messaging,email, phone etc, any type of contact, you are putting yourself up at a risk for hurt. The more you stay in the relatinship, the more you will hurt and stay hurt. It is better to cry and hurt and mourn the loss than to be in constant state of anxiety like this. Because that pain, as great as it is, does indeed fade and opens the door for something different. Everything you do from this point on should be about YOU not him and that means your recovery to heal from him and it is perfectly ok to cry whenever. You will come out a stronger person if you look out for yourself and your needs.

June 26, 2006
1:25 pm
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Anonymous
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I honestly just feel like giving up, i just want to go to bed!

June 26, 2006
2:21 pm
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taj64
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Actually that is very good idea, to give up and go to sleep. You're finally getting it! Im not being sarcastic either. Sometimes just doing absolutely nothing is the best answer and lose your control over it. You'll be ok, just give it lots of time. Don't beg anymore either cause you see it doesn't get you anywhere.

June 26, 2006
4:13 pm
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thumkin
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Just a thought of something I know I am guilty of. Do you want him to love you so much that you are not thinking clearly on whether or not you really love him? I have done everything I could in the past because I thought I loved him soooo much, but I was so busy trying to let him know that I was the perfect person for him I never paid attention to the fact that he was lousy for me. I tend to lose sight of that a lot just because I want someone to finally show me that I am worth it when in all reality I have learned if I would stop worrying how they feel and worry about me I could save myself a lot of pain. Then and only then will I finally be with someone who loves me for me and not what I can do for them. Am I making any sense?

June 27, 2006
9:07 am
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Anonymous
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Thumkin,
I guess that makes sense. But how do you know if you really love someone or not? I think I love my BF but I don't know. Maybe you are right I want to prove that I am worthy? My heads all mixed up right now, nothing is making to much sense to me.

June 27, 2006
9:11 am
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atalose
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Feelinglost, What is it that you love about your bf? How long had you to been together? Tell me all the things you love about him.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

June 27, 2006
9:34 am
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atalose,
We have been together for two years.
He makes me laugh
We have fun together
He is smart
He is ambitious
He can be very thoughtful
We like to do the same things
He loves my family
My Family loves him.
I don't know maybe I dont even know what love is....

June 27, 2006
10:08 am
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Anonymous
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Atalose sorry, My words got all jumbled together. That is how my head feels!
What I was saying was we have been together for two years. He makes me laugh, we have fun together, He is smart, thoughful & ambitious, we like to do the same things, Our families get along great. Then I was thinking maybe I dont even know what love is....... I honestly don't know if I want to be with him or I don't. Part of me want to stop the hurt by going back to him and the other part of me wants to stop the hurt by leaving.

June 27, 2006
10:29 am
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atalose
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I totaly understand your feelings, they are normal. There is nothing wrong with the way you are feeling right now. Two years is a long time, you've grown comfortable with him, he became a big part of your life over the last two years, it's going to hurt, you've lost your best friend. I can sit here and tell you that you will meet someone else who will make you laugh, someone you will have fun with, someone who is smart and ambitious and someone who will enjoy doing the same things as you. But hearing that now, isn't going to help take the pain away. Only time will take away that pain, believe me, I know, it's been 8 weeks for me since my relationship ended. You have to think of the choices you have in front of you, you can attempt to go back and continue to deal with the pain over and over again or you can deal with this pain now and in the process become a stronger more insightful person who will be ready for the next oportunity when it comes along.
Keep posting, especialy when you are finding the need to reach out to him.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

June 27, 2006
11:43 am
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I honestly cant even think straight. I am the worst when I get upset I wont eat, and I haven't really eaten anything substantial since thursday.

June 27, 2006
12:00 pm
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taj64
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You should eat a little even if you don't feel like it. I went through the same thing, no appetite whatsoever. But you can eat in bits and pieces until it comes back. Just don't starve yourself because that could make you sicker and then really send you into depression. You're dealing with the really hard stuff right now and it will pass, just take care of yourself physically and mental part will follow.

June 27, 2006
1:01 pm
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Anonymous
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Thanks Taj,
I really feel so confused. I still love him and I want to talk to him but I also know that this relationship isn't ideal. he's been talking to me on IM nothing serious he just said i could stop up at his house and get my digital camera and shoes tonight. I wanted to see him but I am afraid I will get emotional and let him suck me in.

June 27, 2006
4:45 pm
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Anonymous
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He keeps Im'ing me I think he just likes having someone to talk to. I haven't been calling him and we used to talk about 5 times a day. I know it needs to be cold turkey but I just haven't gotten there yet. Does anyone think thi relationship has any hope at all. I can give you the full histore if you think it would help. I don't know why I torture myself like this.

June 27, 2006
5:23 pm
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taj64
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In my personal opinion, in reading all your posts, I feel that it is inevitable that this guy will break it off eventually. If not today, then later. As bad as it feels now, it is better to pull the bandaide off completely and quickly so to heal quickly than to slow die a slow and painful deal, and Im referring to your relationship. He is simply keeping you tied in to boost his ego, not really out of love for you. If he really cared about you, he would see that htis relationship is painful to you and he would let go and stop it altogether.Unfortunately he is too selfish for that and you see it as love when it is really not. He isn't being fair or loving to you. And he is using you in your state of despair to hold on to him cause he cannot stand the guilt. I would just take a break from it all for awhile and let things recover. In the long run, you are only going to stay miserable if you keep up with him. Letting go of this relationship is the best thing you can do for yourself. I know you don't see it that way but you will if you cut cold turkey.

June 27, 2006
5:33 pm
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Im not just telling you cause I think I know better but because I have been there. I was the same way. I thought I could not handle it and kept trying to wean myself off of breaking off. It was the hardest thing I ever did in my life was to let go. I now wish I had jsut ended it a long time ago because in the long run, it did a lot of damage to my self esteem. I can see it is eating away at yourself. You are not really looking at yourself. You are looking as the relationship as your all being and that is no good. You are not about this relationship. You deserve better and to wake up happy everyday, not for him but for yourself.

June 27, 2006
6:46 pm
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Hi feelinglost,

I responded to Matteo on another thread but wanted to mention something to you.

I'm in a similar situation now. I'm on my first day of no contact after the end of my 7-1/2 year relationship, so believe me, I empathize with all you're feeling.

If you think there might actually be (want there to be) a future with this guy,then let me say something that someone said to me: "Follow, and they flee....flee and they follow." Sounds a little too simple, when it comes to chasing men/women, but think about it. Hasn't anyone pursued you who made you want to run away? Even just for distance? For the record, this always worked with my guy. Every time, it worked. Of course, that wasn't good news for me in the long run! Love him still? You're darn right I do. Know he's not good for me? You're darn right I do.

I agree with the other posters. He wants you when he wants you and not when he doesn't. Whatever else you are, (and you may be lots more) you are security.

I had the same issue with my ex coming to pick up things from my place when I was at work (he'd moved out.) Guess what? That was in 1999. He always came back after leaving me and I let him (could NOT let him go) We got back together a cabillion times after that and I only just ended it on MY side yesterday! That's quite a while dontcha think?

If you can't wrap your brain around staying away forever, why don't you just take the baby step of agreeing that you'll not talk to him or respond for a day. Then, make it 2. See how you feel. Maybe he comes running. Maybe he doesn't. You'll never know til you try it out. You can always contact him, right? Seems you have nothing to lose by testing the waters and seeing how quickly (or not) he'll come running.

It's kind of like being on a diet...."I won't eat that burger today, but I promise myself that I'll eat it when I really want/need to". Sometimes you luck out and never wind up eating that burger. Turn off the source of his security and you may be really surprised what happens. The bonus is that you earn a bit more self respect and learn a bit more about your own limits. If nothing else you are doing is working, you're up for trying a new tact, yes?

It's soooooo hard to really see yourself in this situation (as Taj says), even though your friends and sisters see the real you. All you see is yourself in his eyes, huh? Man, I have found that this shows a very distorted me, and someone who isn't me at all, but what he wants me to be.

Just an idea from a sister in the same dang boat.

Honolulugal

June 27, 2006
7:57 pm
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taj64
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Those are very good thoughts. Honolugal been there too. What I want to tell you is that right now, who cares if you let loose and he comes running etc. Please think about YOU for now. He isn't thinking of you. YOU have to be the one. Many of your postings are all about HIM and you crying over him.. It is all about him and his needs. PLEASE think about YOU, your beauty, your strength, your future, what YOU want. Dig very deep. It is time to set aside to think about what you want and need. Give this the time. A month, or two, or three. Then come back to this.This guy of yours, he wants his cake and eat it too. He wants his single like and he want you on the side. You are his side dish (sounds so bad). but to me, you are indeed the entree and all the trimmings. Please don't settle. You're so young and have your life ahead of you. There are so many others out there that will be there to please you and love you for who you are, not just cause you make yourself so available. Lost, i hear you. I listen. So try to listen to what people have been saying to you. You won't be sorry for a minute. And I hope you are eating something. and getting rest. luv TAJ

June 27, 2006
8:21 pm
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I am such an freaking idiot. I let him rip my freaking heart out again, how can I be so dumb? I am sitting here bawling my damn eyes out because he just left. He came over gave me a kiss the told me he didn't know what he wants he loves me but he is fine just being alone. So I sat here like an asshole trying to conveince him why I am and we are so reat together. Now to top everything off I dont even have an ounce of pride or dignity left...Wonderful, I am once again reduce to bawling idiot, Can't understand why he doesn't want me!!!!!!!!!!

June 27, 2006
8:28 pm
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and you know whats even better, Like a complete asshole I asked him if he wanted to have sex with me after her ripped my heart out again, Perfect. I told him that since I looked completley pathetic he could leave and take his stuff. He tried to say it was ok and the he walked out with out his stuff. I don't understand why I am powerless to his crap. I am so sick and tired of crying, I have had it this time!

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