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Taj & , I need you! I am turning into a Psycho
June 23, 2006
11:34 am
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smarterone
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He uses you when he needs to get thru things,like his divorce, but he cannot share himself with you when you are in need. What do you want with him.. He is honest about his feelings, dont even give him the time of day. I think he enjoys being wanted by you.

June 23, 2006
11:42 am
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Anonymous
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i am hurting so bad right now

June 23, 2006
11:58 am
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1lost1
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(((FL)))

June 23, 2006
12:01 pm
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Sorry you are hurting so badly right now. (((((FL))))). Keep talking about it. It helps!

June 23, 2006
1:10 pm
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Anonymous
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wanted to talk to someone so badly at lunch. my bfs mom had called me about something, So I called her back and I started crying which I didn't want to do. I told her what was going on. She said her & her husband think that I am the best thing that ever happened to my bf. She said he wants to go out and run around all of the time let him... She said if he thinks he is going to find someone better he is crazy. She said she doesn't like the way either of her sons treat women and if I am too nice to him he is going to take advantage of that. She told me to get tough and don't talk to him for a week and let him know he is not the only fish in the sea. She said she loves her son but I am to nice and young to put up with his crap if he doesn't change. She mentioned the friend he has that I don't like. She said she is not fond of him either but if they want to go out and drink and pick up women let him. She said she loved me and she was here for me, she hopes things work out but if they don't she loves me. She said just remember if you are to nice and available he will take advantage of that.

June 23, 2006
1:27 pm
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lucky7
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You are not alone...I tried to keep my bf for 7yrs and allowed him to do the same things your bf is doing...up until a month ago. We were going to get married this yr sept.30th. So "Yes" if he is acting like this now...how will he act yrs from now?? you need to listen to your inner feelings. I'm proof it won't change-and only you will get worse, don't do this to yourself...there are many people out there that will treat you with respect and love you for who you are!

June 23, 2006
1:46 pm
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Anonymous
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All of my relationships have been train wrecks including this one.

June 23, 2006
2:17 pm
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feelingfree
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Feeling,

Tell me some positives about this guy. What is it that you like about him?

June 23, 2006
2:21 pm
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Anonymous
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feelingfree,
he makes me laugh, he is smart & ambitious, and most of all I really thought he loved me.

June 23, 2006
2:22 pm
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jt05tappb
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Ok, well since this relationship seems to be a traintrack in your mind,heres an idea, though it may seem a little random.

Get 4 sheets of paper. Right down on one,
Good points about bf
then 2nd
Bad points about bf
then 3rd
What he has done to hurt me
then 4th
What he has done to make me feel better
Then read it out, and see if the good/make feel better points outweigh the bad points, but if there are more bad, then you seriusly need to rethink the relationship because he might not be putting in enough effort for you.

Think about doing that? i hope it helps,

Lots of love and good wishes,
Jt xxx

June 23, 2006
2:26 pm
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Anonymous
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I have all of these crazy thoughts running through my head. Heres the updates on the emails:

me:You know how I feel about you but you are killing me when you do this....

Him:Well, then it is probably better if you just find someone else. I think I just rushed into stuff to much & this isn't what I am looking for yet.
I am the kind of person that just needs to have his own free time a lot & I really don't have enough time for other people. I like to be on the go
& I don't like to plan to much in advance. I think it will be better this way. For both of us.........

me:you really want to lose me forever?

him:I guess I am just going to have to take my chances. This is how I feel right now & I have to follow my feelings.

me:I am too tired and too sad to fight for us if you are just going to give up this easily. I thought you were the one, I guess my feelings were wrong....

Him:Ok, I will put your stuff that is at my house in a box & leave it in the garage.

Me:glad its that easy 4 you. you don't even respect me enough to talk to me. you do this in an email, that's just wrong.

him: I know how you are! Plus, you are the one that just said good luck! Whatever
-----

This is what he did to me before when he was cheating. I think I am so scared to let go, it sucks so bad

June 23, 2006
2:42 pm
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sleeping beauty
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I need to put my 2 cents in. You are to good for this guy. Stop kissing his ass. Let him suffer. If he ever felt anything for you he will be back. Dont let him have the upper card. Take control of the situation. Give him a few days. One thing to remember men dont like needy women. You need to remind yourself that you are a good person and deserve so much better out of life. I know it seems easier said than done. But it has to get better. And it starts with you. dont call him anymore, no contact from you to him. Believe me sometimes they need you to igonre them a little. Befor you know it he will be crawling back for forgiveness. And if he doesnt ,, to bad his loss not yours!!!

June 23, 2006
3:07 pm
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Anonymous
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I hate relationships, are they all like this?

June 23, 2006
3:08 pm
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feelingfree
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jt05tappb, you beat me to the punch on that one.. lol! You probably saw where I was going with that. But I really liked your idea about writing a list of hurts/what he did to make it better. I was just going to go with positive/negative.

feelinglost: I know its hard for you to see clearly right now.. but reading his e's really irritate me. This guy's an a$$. "I will put your stuff in a box and leave it in a garage". NICE. Do not continue begging this person. Do not write him anymore. Value yourself, pick up your box and move on. Then work on blocking him from your mind and doing things for yourself. Go to the nearest bookstore/library and look for the book "Why do I feel like nothing without a man", or something similar so you can work on building your self esteem.

This guy is not even worth crying over from what I've read. I'm sorry he's hurt you.

June 23, 2006
3:12 pm
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feelingfree
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feelinglost:

PS: that 'list' of positives you wrote was pretty short, don't you think? Did it take you a long time to think of some? (just trying to make you smile šŸ™‚

Bet you could come up with a longer list of negatives! lol

June 23, 2006
3:24 pm
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Anonymous
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Thanks feeling,
the more I think about it the madder I get. He does this crap to me at work through an email, who does that. He wants to be 18 again and he will be 37 soon.

I might have to make a list of negatives to make me laugh.

When i met him I was really sick, really co-dependent, do anything to feel better for a little while, drink whatever.

I have done a lot of work. I still have issues. But do you think its possible that I tolerated his 'sickness" better when I was "sicker" too.

I live in a small town. Its like seven degrees of seperation. I am just sick at the thought of him being with someone else. How do I stop feeling like that?

Do you think it sounds like he is keeping me around and seeing if he kind find anything better at the bars? How can you do that to someone you are supposed to love??? I dont get it!

June 23, 2006
3:46 pm
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Anonymous
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lost,

I feel your pain...have been in your shoes....not too long ago.

when a guy says "I need my space" - don't try to fix it....give him his space....and keep on going.

what seems to be going on is you are trying to make him love you because you BELIEVED he did.

and like others have said - maybe he does love you - but it's not enough...that happens....doesn't make him a bad person....just not the one for you.

So perhaps it's best to just walk away, let him get this out of his system....and figure his life out.

I convinced my ex to stick around "a little while longer" and "a little while longer"....sooooooo many times...cuz I thought things could change....and in the end, I still got hurt and it still ended....in the end, nothing changed....was the same old roller coaster ride....off and on.....more pain than joy....

it will get better.

and no, I don't believe all relationships are like this...which is why we have to STOP wasting our time on the ones that are, and SAVE ourselves for the good ones...and be patient until we find it...that's my new goal.

June 23, 2006
3:50 pm
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feelingfree
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Feelinglost,

I'm glad you're getting mad. Mad is better than "needy". šŸ™‚ You should be mad. I cannot believe this guy is 36! Sounded more like a 20 year old to me.

Yes, we tolerate much more when we are 'sick'. Absolutely. When we start our recovery, our eyes open.. WIDE. It's a whole new ballgame after that.

I will answer your last question very honestly- it's simple- you CANT do that to someone you love and you don't. The fact that he has should make the answer clear to you.

It is HARD to accept that someone does not love us. That hurts. It especially hurts when we give our ALL to them. And it especially does great damage to our already low self esteem. But here's the thing (and I didn't come up with this, it's just something I read): You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved.

I agree with the statement one of the other gals wrote.. that you are appearing needy. Probably because you feel needy. But "needy" is not attractive. Ask yourself, if tables were turned.. if a guy was doing the things you did- or writing the things you are writing TO YOU.. would that be attractive to you, or would it be a turn off. Don't get me wrong.. I'm not telling you this so you can "fix it" so you can "get him back". NO NO! I don't want you to try and get HIM back. I want you to get YOU back. Make sense?

I don't know you, but I know you are a woman just like me, and you do NOT deserve to be treated like this. No one does.

Do not think about him with another woman. That will make you crazy (say that from experience!). See him for who he is.. not who you've made him up to be. In your mind- he's out there at the bar with a flock of women around to choose from, right? The REALITY is, he's out there, getting drunk, being a spectacle, and there's not a woman in site.. just his loser buddies! LOL

June 23, 2006
4:33 pm
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lucky7
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Listen...I agree with all of these people. Every time you want to call him or e-mail or go over and see him just have a friend handy and contact them instead. The more you stay away the quicker you are going to feel better about yourself. 30 what yrs. un-real! Pull yourself together...go get your hair done or your nails done. Do things for yourself. Do either one of you have kids?

June 23, 2006
4:43 pm
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Anonymous
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Lucky,
Thanks. No kids for either one of us. I feel a little stronger now but I know the night time is coming and thats going to be hard. I went through this once before and we weren't going to talk for a week. Two days into it he sent me a text me. Then a couple days later I found out about the whole cheating thing and then everything made sense. I was so devestated but he told me how much he loved me, that he wanted to marry me ect. It chnages from day to day. Sometimes he loves me and other times he hates me......

June 23, 2006
4:58 pm
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sleepless in uk
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FL I am sorry for the way you are feeling....but it seems like this guy's mum has a real handle on him...and what she said makes a lot of sense......

He is her son and she loves him but she knows what he is like and what he will do if you let him....

I know it is hard but try not to contact him at all...he wont be expecting that...make him wonder....if he contacts you be cool but pleasant; and definitely unemotional...

maybe he will want you back but lets hope by that time you will have realised what we all do...

...that you are worth way way more than him

take care; be strong

June 23, 2006
5:19 pm
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jastypes
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It drives me nuts when I see a woman giving so much power to a man in her life. But, of course, it doesn't take much to drive me nuts. Here's what I have to say about relationships and train wrecks. My husband once said that he felt like a run-away train and he kept hitting the same brick wall. It occurred to me then that somehow I kept putting myself between the train and the brick wall, so that I was getting crushed every time he did something stupid. Until he learned to stay away from the brick wall (drugs, porn, alcohol, whatever), I needed to get off the track!!!!!
Of course, if you know me from here, you know that I have chosen to stay married, but that my husband is no longer using, and I am in a recovery program for me. We also have 4 children and a home together.
But if I were in your shoes, I would get off the track. Basically it means finding a new track. Go out with friends; go out by yourself; do something different; start a hobby. You get the picture.

June 23, 2006
5:52 pm
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smarterone
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Pure selfishness, You give all your time into something and when they say its over, its over. Walk away while you have the chance. There is something better, more matured, waiting for you. Take care of you.

June 23, 2006
6:28 pm
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Hi FL,

You are getting some good input here from people who have been there. A book I wish I had read when my xbf dumped me is "It's Called A Breakup Because It's Broken". I highly recommend it to you for getting through this really tough period. Make this come out differently than last time when you caved.

best wishes to you, kroika

June 23, 2006
6:54 pm
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DoTheyNetwork
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PS has anyone ever read Joyce Meyers
" Battlefield of the Mind" Mine feels more like a warzone sometimes.

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