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supressed anger is killing me from the inside
May 10, 2006
9:50 am
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StronginHim77
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seekerw...

Took two years to overcome the urge to take my own life because of my "survivor guilt." All suicide survivors experience this guilt because they did not read the signals or intervene to save their dead loved one in time to prevent the tragedy.

My sons and I can finally "talk" about the day he died. (We couldn't even discuss it for more than two years.)

Thank you for your kind words. We are, indeed, finally recovered enough to move on with our lives, but life will never be the same. In that sense, complete recovery is virtually impossible.

May 19, 2006
8:41 am
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dyinginside
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Hey to those of you who were so supportive and have bothered to come back and see what's changed. Part of what I didn't tell you before...and part of what was fueling my anger was that I have been very sick for about 18 months and have been through two surgeries in the past 8 months as the doctors have "thought" they found the cause of my elevated white blood counts...and continuous infections. I first had all of my teeth cut out because there was infection at the roots of them all...and then when that didn't stop the low grade fevers, the high white blood count, and the infection showing up in my blood....they decided that it was sinus problems...so I had sinus surgery. Once I healed from that...I continued to have the low grade fever, the elevated white blood count, the lethargy...etc. Just before I wrote my first post, I saw the doctor who did my last surgery and after looking at all my blood work (and they have done a LOT) he said to me, "There is definitely something else going on. The first thing that comes to mind is HIV." ....and of course, I knew that if I had been exposed, it was from my abusive, cheating, ex. That just pushed my anger to a level that I could no longer contain.

Since I last posted, several things have happend. I started Therapy with a wonderful Psychologist that I knew I could trust the minute I looked in his eyes. I am almost always able to tell by someone's eyes whether or not they are trustworthy. It just took me years to learn to trust my own judgement. Also, we have had almost two weeks of peace without any interruptions from my ex...he only calls when it's time to come and get the boys. He gets them tonight so he will call my son on his cell phone after school today to let him know that he will be late. And, I got the test results that I am negative for HIV.

I have also been journaling for my therapist every night about my feelings.

The doctor still doesn't know what is going on with me...I go to a hematologist next week...which is kind of scary. There has been a major jump in my platelets, as well as a steady increase in my white blood count...so there is definitely something going on. I just want them to find out what it is. But I've decided not to even research what it might be because that leads me to speculate and worry.... and those things just weaken my faith. I have decided that nothing touches me, as a child of God, unless HE allows it. And if He allows it, HE has a reason and purpose, so I choose to trust Him.

Well, thanks for listening. I just wanted to update those of you who took the time to come back and check.

🙂

May 19, 2006
10:21 am
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Randomwomen2
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I am sorry that you have been so sick sweetheart. I cant even imagine. My thoughts and prayers are with you hunny.

May 19, 2006
11:52 am
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flutechick
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I am so sorry to hear about your illness. I too know what it is like to suffer and the m.d.'s having a hard time diagnosing you. It has taken about 12 years to get diagnosed with Lupus. Which I just found out about a month ago. I can relate to the frustration, fatigue, and depression that comes from having one sickness after another. I too had abcesses on the root of my molar which led to trigeminal neuralgia (neuralgia in the face/head) which I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Hang in there! 🙂

You mentioned "supressed anger is killing me". That is so true. When my ex husband contacts me (phone or email) he is so abusive (and he never wants to talk about the boys). I try to be strong, but he steam rolls right over me and the next thing you know, I'm angry with him and angry with myself for not being strong enough to deal with him. The next thing you know, I'm in bed with a migraine or a Lupus flare. So, yes, anger can kill you from the inside out. If you know of any ways to keep your ex under control when he talks to you, I could sure use some pointers. I have been doing lots of reading on stress management, but it certainly seems like a "muscle" you have to develop.

I hope they can diagnose you soon. Take care of yourself it sounds like there is some kind of infection that needs to be found and fought. Let's hope together that they will find it and treat it and you can resume your life. In the meantime, take care...misery loves company LOL 🙂

May 19, 2006
12:11 pm
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smarterone
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Ill be praying that the diagnosis is something that can be taken care of immediately. Good luck

May 19, 2006
4:09 pm
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dyinginside
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Thank you all for the support and the prayers. Flutechick....I wish I could tell you something that would help you. I have the opposite problem. My ex will not speak with me on the phone. He continually puts my children in the middle, even though I have asked him time and again, by leaving messages on his voicemail, sending him letters, even having my attorney to send him a letter....not to put them in that situation. It's a very frustrating thing...one of the biggest things that I am working through with my therapist. The only thing that I can tell you is what my attorney (former boss) used to tell me to tell our clients... when the conversation is not about the children...tell him, if you have nothing else to say that is in reference to the children, then we are finished speaking. And hang up the phone. You are not obligated to talk to him. I know that is easy for me to say sitting here on the outside of your situation. But you have to decide not to let him control you anymore. And you can say it without being ugly. Just because you are matter of fact, doesn't mean you are hateful. I am having to learn that myself. Pray about it! God has amazed me time and again, giving me strength to do things that I thought I would never be able to do! He is incredible!

Thanks again to all of you for your care and support.

May 24, 2006
3:35 pm
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flutechick
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Hi dyinginside:
I will put the words by the phone. I get very tongue tied when I try to speak up for myself. I need to practice being firm. I never hang up on people... not even telemarketers. I will have to practice being firm and "putting the phone down" if the conversation is not about the boys.

How has your health been?

Flutechick

May 24, 2006
7:00 pm
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Wow, dyinginside, you are dealing with SOOO MUCH!!!

I found at least 3 positives in your posts: You've found a therapist you trust, it is NOT HIV, and you are trusting in Him. Yea!

So the rest should be easy, Girl! (Just kidding!) I hope you can a way to let go of the anger and frustration with your X. I pray for your health and peace of mind and understanding between you and your children. Try to focus on any and all the positives you can identify.

May 27, 2006
11:00 am
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I C Gold
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I haven't read all the posts but have a little saying that helps, I too for years did the suppressed anger routine. I was ANGRY at everything including being angry!!
Mine stemmed from my Dad's sexual abuse of me...
Here's my thought that helps:

Giving into anger,gives "them" control and I want my control BACK!

"them" can be whoever fits best, X, parents, job, kids, etc...
Hope this helps!
Be strong and believe in you~
Gold

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