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Supposed to see ex tonight--2bstrong
September 19, 2005
2:12 pm
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2bstrong
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Hello friends,

As many of you know, my ex fiance ended our relationship on March 29--we had dated for ten and a half years--engaged for 15 months. In the five-plus months since then, it has been an odyssey of grief and healing.

On July 29, I ended 9 weeks of no contact by sending him and e-mail saying that I had some things to say to him that I thought would give me a sense of closure with our relationship. After two weeks he responded to my note saying that he would be more than happy to get together anytime I wanted. I responded by saying that I would be available after Labor Day. So, he sent me a note on Thurs. of last week asking if I still wanted to get together, and if so, he would be available Monday or Tuesday of this week. I picked tonight.

Now, a lot has happened since I sent the note requesting a closure meeting. I am determined to speak only I statements, and expect nothing and no repsonse on his behalf. This meeting is for me to say what I want to say.

That being said, I am not sure it is necessary at this point, and I am not sure what my motives are. I discussed it with my counselor on Friday and she asked me what my feelings are. Well--to be honest, my feelings are quite jumbled. I still care about him, but I know the relationship is over and I accept that. I miss our life together, and his companionship, but I have done ok on my own, too.

My counselor asked me what I loved about him because I said I wanted to tell him that I wish I hadn't been afraid to tell him that I loved him--because I thought it made him feel uncomfortable. That is the crux of this meeting. It is burning in me to tell him that, and it doesn't matter what he thinks or says, I want him to hear it from me.

Thanks for listening, any advice or experience in these matters is appreciated!

2b

September 19, 2005
2:15 pm
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2bstrong
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I also wanted to add that I have not seen him or spoken to him since the middle of April. My contact had been sparse until I began no contact. So this is huge tonight.

September 19, 2005
2:18 pm
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taj64
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Are you afraid to tell him that you love him because you are afraid of being rejected by not having him say that he loves you? I know that would be a fear for me. Do you think it would cause you pain to not get your answer the way you hope it will be? Love feels great to say I love you if you know in your heart that they love you back.

September 19, 2005
2:20 pm
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taj64
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You have come so far, in your no contact. That is why I see concern. It might start all over again.

September 19, 2005
2:32 pm
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Lass
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I think that a simple apology to one another often heals a lot of crap. My ex-husband and I did that, and it has helped even when we have had huge court battles since then, to know that we really are sorry that we relate so badly to one another, and hurt one another.

However, that was done by telephone.

In person, I am far more vulnerable.

I will always want one more contact, one more word, good feeling between us, to some degree or another. It would be nice to leave on a good note, but a good "mad on" is sometimes required to hold our ground, at least at first.

Too much nicey nicey makes that a harder line to hold.

That said, I too, wish for a benevolent ending over a barking one. Let us know how it goes. I have a similar opportunity-- to say something at least -- one sentence --this coming Saturday night at the AA birthday meeting....

I'd sure like some suggestions on what that might be. I also get to speak from the podium, and darned if I know what to say feeling like I do.

September 19, 2005
2:37 pm
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exoticflower
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(((((((((((((2b))))))))))))), WOW, this is pretty huge, isn't it?! I couldn't imagine being in your possition. I haven't got any good advice, just wanted to give you my cyber support and wish you the best with this...though he of all people should understand sudden changes of heart if you feel like stepping back and re-thinking this...

Oh, one bit of advice. THrough this, live by the personal bill of rights posted somewhere here...I think I'll boost it up again for you, what great guidelins in emotionally difficult times.

I'll be thinking of you tonight and wish you so much luck and love going into this...I hope you get soemthing you need and deserve from it, that it is a truly rewarding and releasing experiance for you.

September 19, 2005
2:37 pm
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kc30
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2b- I want so badly to talk but I have kids everywhere. Will you be online later?

Quickly, I'll say this: even though you think you have no expectations, be prepared for the possibility that this may not be entirely true, but that's ok. If it's eating you up, then maybe you need to do it...but if you're questioning yourself...maybe it would be best to give it a few more months. He's already shown he's willing to listen when you are ready to talk.

I don't want to see you get flattened, but trust your guts and do what you need to do. Just be prepared for a major setback when it's over.

I've had many "closure conversations" before I was ready, and when it was over, I wished I could take it back.

But recently, I did it for real, and it can be very healing as long as you are emotionally strong and ready.
Lots of love and if you're on later, please, I would love to talk.

peace sweetie and good luck!
kc

September 19, 2005
2:50 pm
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2bstrong
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Thanks all for the input. I like what lass said about benevolence. Oooh--can I do it? I wonder if I am strong enough? This will test my mettle for sure.

I also want to say that I have told myself that this is IT. This is the END. No more contact. I made that pact with myself when I sent the e-mail in July.

It is so good to have the support of all of you. It means a great deal to me as I have been really trying to "swim on my own" if you will for these past two months. I have been sad and angry, but only in very brief spurts. It has been good not to see or hear from ex, it has given me a lot of clarity. Although, I am still trying to address feelings that I have. It should be interesting tonight to say the least. He has not once tried to contact me in these five-plus months, he has only replied to my sparse notes.

kc and exotic, will try to catch up later or tomorrow. Thinking of all of you.--2b

September 19, 2005
2:51 pm
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exoticflower
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2b, here it is, big thanks again to Kathygy for this again!

*************************************

The Personal Bill of Rights

1.Life should have choices beyond mere survival.

2. You have the right to say no to anything when you feel you are not ready or it is not safe.

3. Life should not be motivated by fear.

4. You have a right to all of your feelings.

5. You are probably not guilty.

6. You have a right to make mistakes.

7. There is no need to smile when you cry.

8. You have a right to terminate conversations with people who make you feel put down or humiliated.

9. You can be healthier than those around you.

10. It is OK to be relaxed, playful, and frivolous.

11. You have a right to change and grow.

12. It is important to set limits and be selfish.

13. You can be angry at someone you love.

14. You can take care of yourself, no matter what circumstances you are in.

September 19, 2005
2:59 pm
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taj64
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I wish you well. I hope it turns out peaceful for you. No matter what happens, you will grow from it.

September 19, 2005
3:04 pm
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2bstrong
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Thanks exotic. Will print that one and put it in my handbag.

Thanks for the wishes, taj. You're a good soul. I need all the peace I can get.

September 19, 2005
3:14 pm
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taj64
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I just realize that is a very long time that you were that special person. Of course it will take time. 2bstrong is good nickname for you especially for today...be strong!

September 19, 2005
4:19 pm
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tracylyn
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2B ~

Oh this is a big one. I don't really have anything to add that the others haven't already said.

Just remember that this is YOUR choice and if you aren't ready to do it then it's ok to reschedule. I think this being the first time it will be hard so don't expect yourself to not have some emotion you didn't plan on.

I know for me, I've planned conversations with my ex-husband that I thought would go a certain way and they end up completely different.

Just make sure you are ready. You don't owe him any favors by keeping the scheduled day.

If you do go - just be strong, state your case and don't beat yourself up for feeling whatever it is you feel.

You've come such a long way and we all proud of you no matter what.

Hey kc ~ so happy to see you back girl!!!!

t

September 19, 2005
4:38 pm
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hoping_2_feel_again
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2b
You have come such a long way since I first began to know you in June. Your words of advice to me have always been helpful and uplifting.

You are probably reading this "after the fact" so I will just say Go Girl!!! I wouldn't have the guts to contact my ex and I am so proud of your strength. Complete closure is a wonderful thing. Remember....you have always been there for us...we are ALL here for you!

Love,
h2fa

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