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suicide
November 20, 1999
10:54 pm
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mnms
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Tonight I'm feeling especially down. I don't know really why. It's been months since I've felt like this, resorting to old behaviors of coping that are harmful to myself. It's even hard to admit it here... in such an anonymous place... because I should be STRONG enough to handle these feelings without breaking. And that's what I'm afraid of... breaking.
I feel so much rage inside. Rage because my father abused me. Rage because my family is not a family. Rage because I feel guilty and I know that I am not.
Rage because what has done to me I have allowed to hurt me. Rage because right now I want to die and that is not right.
Does anybody else ever feel this way???

November 21, 1999
4:34 am
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frozenshiva
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I feel that way sometimes...but i know i'm stronger then anything someone can through at me. im 18, and i know how to use that rage and do other things. but when a "mood" hits is hard to keep from going crazy basically and entering that world where your not thinking...just clawing at pain and loving it.

you mention wanting to die is "not right". i think it is...you wouldn't belive me when i say this...but my life is MUCH worse then yours is...i say this without even asking...because i have met anyone whats been through the extreme pain and anguish i have been through since i was a child and am still going through now.

but i'm still alive...but not because i think suicide is "wrong"...only because i'm stronger then the pain the cuts me. let me know what's up.

[email protected]

later
matt

November 21, 1999
12:30 pm
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Anonymous
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Perhaps you both could benefit from the "Emotional Clearing" thread. Lets talk.

November 21, 1999
1:31 pm
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mnms
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i disagree, matt.
There's no way you can know that your life has been harder than mine. Though if it has, I'm sorry, and if it has, I'm not complaining. Life is hard for everybody.
And I think it's great that you know you are stronger than anything anybody throws at you. I know that... in my head. But my heart says differently.

mnms

November 21, 1999
1:51 pm
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eve
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mnms, best wishes for you! eve

November 21, 1999
6:39 pm
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Anonymous
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difficulty is in perception, that is why, no one can judge another man for he/she has not walked in his/her shoes.

November 21, 1999
11:20 pm
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GiGi
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I used to feel same way for 21 years - on and off. I almost died one time but luckily I was saved. When I looked back, I felt so foolish and now I am glad that I'm alive today. One thing I've learned from my counselor is that if you want to win, stay alive and keep getting involves with the group/activities that you like to enjoy and have fun. My biggest causes of feeling suidical are teasing of my handicap, childhood sexual abuse victim, no friend, and communication hardship. Remember, sucidial thought is not a lifetime permanent. Please join the sucidial help group by calling the United Way hotline. They can help you - free. Good Luck and I'll be thinking of you, GiGi :o)

November 22, 1999
8:10 am
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rebate
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mnms

November 22, 1999
8:27 am
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rebate
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mnms,

I too was sexually abused by a relative during my childhood. The anger, hatred, guilt, and shame almost destroyed my life. I allowed it to eat away at me until I turned into an angry, hateful, overbearing,workaholic.

I finally found help at 46 yrs. of age. My advice to you is, Find a good Therapist. Don't try to handle this on your own. Posting here is fine, but don't use this as your sole support. And don't try to confront your abusers before you have time to sort things out with a trained professional.

My greatest regret is that I did not find help 20
years sooner. My life could have been so much different.

Good Luck

November 22, 1999
6:20 pm
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nikihish
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mnms, i have a thread posted here also trying to figure out what is going on with me and wanting help or just someone to listen to me. it sounds like you have had a very tough life and it is still continuing, i am having one too, not as rough as yours though. I hope that what you feel is overcome by those that you talk to, and you decide that living could be better later on in life, this is what i have done, i am a senior in high school and have been hit hard by severe depression, i am slowly getting my way out of it. try to take what you feel and put it aside for a while, or forever, and go out and do things you enjoy be happy and feel free and calm, let all those feelings escape you. i hope this has helped in some way, i am here if you ever need me i will always be here and so should you, love alway-z, Niki

November 23, 1999
11:06 am
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J. C.
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Mnm, I think everyone has had the thought of suicide go through their head at least once in their lives. I know I have. I remember in speech class a few years ago, someone did a humorous speech about suicide in light of the fact that we all have thought about it. The speech itself was hardly offensive or discriminating...it was actually soothing, because it makes you realize that you are NOT crazy for thinking about it and you are not alone. Fact is, there is too much that I KNOW I will miss in life if I should end my life. You just need to know that too. There is no pain great enough to overcome the fulfillment of all of lifes emotions. Your pain is just a reminder of how real you are. Let yourself feel your emotions. Don't try to put them out of their miseries. It's okay to feel. It's okay to be angry or sad sometimes. You don't need to hide or get rid of those feelings. It's completely normal and human to feel. So keep feeling and don't try to get rid of it...find a way to learn from them instead. You can do it. You were made to do it...you just haven't been taught to do it.

~JC

November 23, 1999
9:26 pm
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VRJ
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I don't want to intrude in this thread but it made me think - I have never thought of my own suicide, ever. Once, I was very dpressed when I was in university and was thinking about how I felt, and thought "perhaps if someone felt like this all the time and it got worse, I could see how someone might think of it". And another time I was in the hospital on morphine for the pain and I can only remember praying for the pain to go away, but not to die. That is the closest I've ever come. I wonder why that is? I don't think I am any better or healthier than anyone else. It's just something that never occurs to me. I pray that any of you who do think of it will feel some spark inside you that makes you feel that passion to live, just to be alive. You never know what wonders, lessons and joys are just around the corner. I'm sorry if I sound too positive when you may be feeling down. It's just that I feel great pain at the thought of anyone feeling that bad. Everyone has a purpose here. Everyone has a great love inside themselves.

November 24, 1999
7:55 am
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Jaskid
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mnms,

I hope you are doing better. Try and let all of that rage inside of you go. I know it's hard, but it will continue to torment you. Find peace in knowing, you are not alone.... you can find joy.... and you are stronger than you think. I hope God will take away all of the pain you are feeling inside and replace that with His comfort and love. Take Care.
Jaskid

November 24, 1999
4:05 pm
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mnms,

I posted this on the Happiness Clearing House thread, but not sure if you've found your way back there...I'll repost it here:

...It's a very (*very*) good plan to sort through your thoughts, feelings, coping skills, hopes of
resolution, etc, BEFORE talking to your family. You may find yourself bombarded with questions,
doubts, all sorts of unexpected avenues, and end up in a world of hurt you didn't expect. It's a
shame, but the abused take the brunt before, during, and after abuse. Few people step up to the
plate to give the necessary support and understanding to the abused.

Be prepared, be ready to cope, know in your mind as you talk with your family how you will handle
possible difficulties; including you family brushing the abuse under the rug for years to come....it
happens millions of times every year.

It can be tough, very tough...

Keep us posted, please.

- SC

November 25, 1999
8:28 am
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Brittainy
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Hi I used to feel very suicidal and nearly died of Anorexia 13 years ago, in fact I was only given a week to live, sometimes I feel glad to be alive, yet at other times I find life so hard, mainly because I suffer from much chronic physical pain in my bowel, due to excessive use of laxatives. Is there anyone out there who suffers from physical pain? If so, I would love to hear from you. Take care.

November 25, 1999
10:45 am
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everblue
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Hi Brittainy,

I don't have chronic pain (physically anyway), but I just read of something that might help you. Scientists are looking at a way to deaden the nerves that fire inappropriately and cause chronic pain. I think it was in New Scientist magazine. You might want to bring it up to a doctor, although I'm not sure how widely known or used this is yet. Good luck.

November 27, 1999
8:58 pm
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pop
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Mnms,
I agree with rebate seeking professional therapy might be a good idea. You could discuss your problems openly and map out a plan to confront your abusers. I applaud for you again for courage and hope the best for you.

November 29, 1999
10:28 am
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mnms
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Well I'm still alive. Yay.
I ended up confronting my family over Thanksgiving vacation. It was very hard to do but I got through it.
I still don't know what to think about what happened though. It's like I'm distancing myself from it or something... blocking it out. It's weird.
I'm ashamed of what I'm feeling. The suicidal feelings. The truth is that I really don't want to die... I just want things to change. And I want things that can't happen.
It's hard facing the facts of life.

November 29, 1999
11:19 am
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mnms,

You have a lot of courage, and you did the right thing (you spoke up, rather than swallowing it over and over).

Now...what to do?

I'm shaking my head...it's just so tough.

LIVE! LIVE for yourself, grow, cope, move on. Likely, the situation will be an elephant in the room for years to come...just know that the elephant is there, it's okay, and try to move on.

I DO believe, that the most important part of recovery, is the divulging, not in getting resolution. Resolution if eagerly sought, comes in very few cases, and with much pain, suffering, and loss.

It's okay, if you decide, to let things set where they are, leave the elephant in the room, and find ways to move forward for yourself. It's not fair. It really isn't.

- again, keep us posted! Your feelings about this may change (possibly a great deal in the future-years to come), but please remember what I've said above. It really is important.

- SC

December 6, 1999
10:25 am
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Brittainy
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Hi everblue thank you for your comforting words, I've taken down the information you have sent me and I am going to discuss it with my doctor when I next see her, it really helps me when people understand such pain. Take care

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