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suicide - what do you think happens to you after suicide?
December 3, 2003
3:13 pm
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claudiadavies
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Hello Stopitnow...I can relate with alot that has been said on this thread...The title of the thread caught my eye because for as long as I can remember my mother "wants to die" she has shot herslef, overdosed, tried to throw herself off of a cliff, tried to get hit by an 18-wheeler, and the latest trying to starve herself and loosing 60lb in two months...she blames herself for everything and wants to die and end her misery but her life is not terrible, I don't understand it as many of our friend here stated..I am tired of being afraid of when she might succeed, not to say it is old with you or anyone else, but in my life, it is plain old, I love my mother and never want anything awful to happen to her but only she can control it...Believe in yourself and learn to forgive yourself and take care of yourself. We are all here to be supportive and help one another thru tough times...

December 3, 2003
3:45 pm
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Ladeska
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I think there are people who cycle with self destructive behavior, like your mother Claudia. But I don't think that's Stopitnow. I really don't. Don't get that feel from her. She's just tiredddd....like she said. And alot of people don't do this to get attention or to get back at anyone, they just run out of options. Have their back to the wall. I heard someone say one time that we all think of suicide now and then and I think that's true. Like I said before......it almost feels good to "have a solution" or what we think is a solution. There's almost a relief quality to it, even though it's a bad solution - it's a solution. We are by nature, creatures with the brains to figure out problems, to make things work, to build, to create, to solve things. But sometimes, the cloud over us is just so thick, whether it's chemical inside our own bodies or just alot of things coming at us that overwhelms us....and sometimes the only solution seems to be - to just take ourselves out.

But in all that mix, most often....we find that we've been the object of alot of things coming from outside sources. And that has to be identified and stopped - by us. Also, if something is going on chemically - then get some relief for that. There's stuff out there that definitely helps and does so very quickly. Doesn't mean you have to stay on it for a long time. I was on Effexor for six months and it was the bomb! Did the trick. Just helped me get to my feet. And God only knows what our hormones do sometimes! Or lack of sleep or any number of things. But the life we have is precious cargo and if you can look at other people and their stories of being on the edge and then getting back on track and now shudder to even think about close they came to doing it......it gives us all the reason in the world to maybe not trust our own thinking to a point.

So we need help! God I know I hate to be in that position.....goes right against my little indepedendent streak. Had rather die first than ask for help! Dumb, but that's me. However...I've had to eat crow in that regard a few times and put a bit in the mouth of my own stubborness. Just have to know "where" to go for help though....especially when you're this wounded and vulnerable.

I do believe though......that there is something at work with us, call it God or whatever you want to - but I think when we really seriously want help - help finds us or it just lands in our lap. Not sure why it waits so long sometimes......but my thoughts on that are.....maybe I'm not really in place to "listen" all those other times... maybe it takes me getting in a certain space, where the "quiet" is so I can actually h-e-a-r. That may not make sense to anyone else, but that's the way it's been with me. I'm just too mouthy on the inside sometimes. My own internal noise and blah, blah - shoots me right in the foot. Imagine.......ME mouthy, huh?

December 3, 2003
4:30 pm
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auntyaya
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Suicide should never be an option. Your life was given to you by God. He is the only one allowed to take it from you. Please don't hurt yourself. It's not worth it. You have so much more life to give.

I'm praying for you!

Hugs,

December 3, 2003
4:45 pm
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Stopitnow, I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers today. Reading of your two small children wrenched my heart. With all due respect that's pretty presumptuous, don't you think? To assume that these two children of a single mom should be deprived of even her? What will happen to them then? How do you suppose their school performance will fare? What will happen when they try to sleep at night, not in their familiar comfy rooms with their stuff around them but somewhere strange and mommy's not coming back? What do you think will happen to the light of innocence that naturally resides in a child's eyes? As for the 15 yr old, this time in his life is so important, the growing and shaping of the man he will become.

I am glad to hear you are reconsidering at least a little. Try hard to look outside yourself and see the bigger picture; also realize the truth of altered thinking being a byproduct physically of depression. It's a fact.

Hoping to hear from you....

December 3, 2003
5:59 pm
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claudiadavies
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Stopitnow, I hope you don't take my comments at all like I was comparing you to my mother, all I was simply trying to say is that she is tired of life and I don't know why...I know you are in a different situation, not my intention to make you feel weird. I guess we all deal with the consequences and implications of suicide in our own ways.

December 3, 2003
6:01 pm
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unhappy camper
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cd...did you mom ever take medication for depression? Did it not help?

December 3, 2003
8:38 pm
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silence
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Let's see if I can hit it all. 27 now. Trying to get money to move out. The job takes up my time and keeps me asleep during the day when my parents are around. It would take me too long to recount my teenage years. Let's just say that I was completely alone at school and at home for too many years. After my suicide attempt and running away from home I was put through the mental health system until I was 18. Since then I have just been sitting here doing nothing.

December 3, 2003
11:18 pm
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Zinnie
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But Silence, you are doing SOMETHING about it now. It is never too late. Learn from the mistakes you have made. It sounds like you have a good job now with UPS - and so women like brown huh?

Like I said, I think funerals are a waste of money, and I really won't care because, well, I will be dead!

Just keep you head up and keep trying, you are on your way.

Stopitnow, I'm hoping you are doing better. But, also I agree with SFB that how horrible would it be to deprive your kids of a Mother. Especially as you are a single parent. Who will care for them if you are gone.

Ladeska, I saw that same special regarding the bridge jumpers. The one thing about that though that did anger me was the people suing the city for not having a enclosure in place to prevent people from jumping. I'm sorry, but people do have to take responsibility for their actions. I found it interesting that the two people that survived both said that as soon as they jumped, the regretted it. So, I have to wonder of all the people who were only doing a "suicide" in the hopes of looking for help or attention, but were successful - how many actually regretted it but it was too late.

Zinnie

December 3, 2003
11:29 pm
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sixfootblonde
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when I die (someday) I want to donate my organs and then be cremated. Put up pics of me with my hubby, my mom and bro and of course me and my horses, and celebrate my life. Don't cry.....remember all the laughs. Then go do something good in my name and have a margarita for me.

That's my wish. But like I said, someday, hopefully far away. I've got too much left to do and see and learn. Life is a gift. I'm so grateful.

(((hugs))) to all of you guys! Goodnight!

December 4, 2003
12:21 am
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Ladeska
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Yea, Zinnie...my thoughts on the barrier was - if someone wants to do this, they will just go somewhere else.

And it is sad that someone rethinks things right after they let go of the rail. I'm sure there are alot of people who do that and end up dead.

It's just a little difference in the frame of mind, sometimes just a small tweek of the dial and you're in a whole different mindset. And it's real, real scary what a chemical imbalance can do to one's emotions and how that....can make the brain solve things and think very differently. I've talked to sooo many people that have just gone - OMG, I can't even believe now that I look back on some dark times, what I was thinking of doing and almost done and NOW - I wouldn't even dream of it and am soo glad I didn't.

It's hard when you're in that forest though.... it gets real dark in there. And alot of people bite the hand of anyone trying to help, too. Most people who are trained though, know that they may bite but - that doesn't mean they don't want help. It's just that they don't want anyone to bullshit them. If you're going to talk to them - shoot straight and make sense. They can smell someone patronizing them a mile off and that just pisses them off even more.

Most people just want someone out there to really "understand" and talk to them like they are a human being and help them brainstorm their way out and not give them some b.s. answers that they don't mean or just treat them like they are crazy.

Sometimes thinking of suicide is just us coming to the end of ourselves and that is not always a bad place to be. Sometimes it just means we've exhausted how "we would do things" and are now open to what else is out there.

Stopitnow...."where are you?" Got the home fires burning over here.

December 4, 2003
12:27 am
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Ladeska
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Ni-nite guys and will leave the light on for Stopitnow. The key is under the doormat...

Silence... You made me laugh today about the "uniform". You go!! Funny how people act around a uniform, huh? Especially women. Hey, give it time, those young ones will come out of hiding, too! But just know when to run when it comes to these lonely old housewives. I hear they can be pretty brutal. Maybe always have your mace nearby. Say it's for the dogs, but we know who it's "really" for, huh?

December 4, 2003
12:45 am
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Zinnie
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Hi Ladeska,

I know what you mean about things changing in the blink of an eye.

When my daughter was in the hospital in Vancouver, this would have to be about mid May or so - my husband called her to see how she was. She had just undergone a really grueling set of surgeries, as well as a balloon treatment to break up a blood clot. When she talked to my husband, she told him "I'm just so very tired of tyring." Her Mom had just left to go back to Montreal to take care of some business, so she was there alone. When she told my husband that, he and I bought tickets to Vancouver so fast and got on the soonest flight we could.

When we got there, she was just "sad" - that is the only way I can describe her mood. She is a tiny little thing, and we walked in and she was sitting in a chair looking out the window. It was raining really hard that day. I sat down in the other chair, and my husband picked her up and put her in my lap. I just sat and rocked her, and let her cry. I did not ask her any questions. I did not even sit there and tell her how everything would be O.K. For all I knew at that time it might not be O.K. But, I just sat there and held her tight.

She told me she wished she had died, she was tired and scared. She wanted to be with her Papa, sister and brother in heaven. She said she did not want to try anymore. She had thought about suicide, but then she thought how upset everyone would be if she did that. She also said something intersting. She said that if she did commit suicide, what about all of the things she might miss out on. I asked her what did she think she might miss. We talked about that for a long time. About what she wants to do with her life, and how this had changed her.

She talked about how much she missed having her Dad. She talked about how much she missed the life she had as a younger person, living with her Mom, and having her Father and myself living up the block and going from house to house. She said she could never understand how friends of hers who had divorced parents had such trouble because the parents could not get along. Why couldn't they all be the way our family was. She talked about how much she loved my husband and thought of him as a step-dad. But mostly she talked about how she missed trusting people.

She said she was afraid, but she said she was not sure what she was afraid of. We stayed with her for three days. After the first few hours, she seemed to have snapped out of it. I'm glad we were able to get there to be with her.

Would she have committed suicide? I don't know. I like to think not, but you never know.

December 4, 2003
12:58 am
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arwen
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I wonder why "god" gets the blame for taking life, and for giving it. Does a child born into a life of abuse always feel ever so "gifted" by the life some higher power supposedly gave them? If someone suicides, how can one state unequivocably that "god" had no participation in the decision making process? We do not have all the answers...

Arwen

December 4, 2003
4:16 am
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silence
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I still want to see the losing football teams blame god for their loss.

December 4, 2003
9:53 am
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Ah Zinnie....that story just hits so hard because you can't blame her...poor baby girl. And she was just being ever so honest. You guys did the right thing, getting there quickly and doing precisely what you did. How alone someone feels in all of that. Hope is soo fragile at that time. The only thing that offsets the evil they have encountered is something very, very good...and she found that with you guys... She could touch it, feel it, remember it that day and that was so very important for her.

Sometimes I just what's evil in this world as going after the very best in this world. The most innocent, the purest and the best of us, like an animal on the prowl looking only for "that". People get so bruised, so savagely wounded. Just like Silence being left so all alone, neglected. People might think, oh because there is no blood, there's no injury! Not so...not so at all. It's like "do I exist"? Does anyone care whether I do or not? It's very important that we identify with "tribe", we look around us to grasp at - what we came from, to identify with it, to find comfort and love and support in it. As for me, it wasn't there. I can remember being just like her, sitting there all alone, thinking - what's the use? Having no one to turn to though. I remember the first time I was raped by my father when I was nine. My stepmother came in, they got into it, he took her in the bedroom and beat her really bad. I was left to just lay there... I don't think I moved all night. Not sure I could...

Everything changed for me that day. I got up, cleaned myself up, took the sheets that were stained with blood off my bed and hid them in my closet. I went to school. I remember looking at other kids that day at school and I didn't feel a part of them anymore. Something had been snipped. I was in a world of my own now. I remember thinking - I can never get married. What would I say?

I started acting out in class and my teacher threatened to call my parents if I didn't straighten up. Little did she know... That was something I DID NOT want, so I just retreated into my shell and got very, very quiet.

Then began my life of hiding.... I learned to cover everything up, act like nothing had ever happened because now...I had a new friend. Shame...was ever beside me, like someone holding me hostage. I had to do his bidding or else....someone would look at me and accuse me and tell me how disgusting and bad I was.

It's amazing how fast all that takes root in a person, especially in a child. I'm not real sure what it was that I reached out and grabbed hold of, other than to say - it must have been God - because I did find a peace. I was able to hang onto my own mind and personhood. It was like someone was with me, teaching me, telling me the "truth" about things, even though I battled really hard with all that. At least I did not bleed to death inside. Someone dressed my wounds...

The one person that I really took a liking to was Helen Keller. A book about her called "The Silent Storm" was the first book I read out of the library at school after my rape. I devoured it. And I thought to myself....if she can do it, so can I. I saw in her something unexplainable, a strength, a knowledge that came out of supposed nothingness. She was never taught about God, or able to see or read anything, couldn't even see nature and yet...she was able to find her way. I looked at Anne Sullivan and decided - I want to be like her, with a whole lot of Helen Keller thrown into the mix. Sort of a blend of the two. Those two people were my role models from the beginning of my abuse. And I can't think of two better ones now that I look back on it. They both fought against all odds in life. Defiantly went upstream, against the flow of everything. And the path they blazed together - showed me something very powerful. The human spirit is more powerful than anything else on this planet. When we give "that power" the green light - nothing can stand in it's way. Absolutely nothing. I needed desperately to see that, at that particular time. I'm not sure I would have made it - if I hadn't seen that.

And whether it is on this web, or in person, people who are this brutally and savagely wounded - need to get in touch with that. They need to come alongside of it, even if it's by reading words in a book. They need to know that someone else has done the impossible. And like her, with you guys, they need to feel that they are understood. Sometimes I think the one of the greatest needs we have as human beings is to simply "be known" by someone. Like you just "holding" her. You weren't trying to interpret her, you weren't trying to change her, you weren't imposing your will on her...you were simply just "knowing" her by holding her and being "with her".

I don't think we always get that - exactly when we need it. Sometimes our wounds get pushed forward for future healing. But the reason we push forward and drag our wounded selves behind us is that we do have hope of that, or we would not continue onward. Something inside us knows that it's out there. We need someone to come alongside of us and not only understand...but we can also tell us by the way they live their life, by the way they love and survive things that - it's possible. They look for that light.

It doesn't have to big, even if it's just a tiny little flicker...somehow we are able to recognize real power when we see it. Something is in our design that recognizes that and latches onto it. We've already seen and known horrible evil...what we want to see after that - is awesome power of another kind.

I think we have a built-in homing device for that... We may not always acknowledge it when we find it. Alot of times our own stubborn will resists it, says no to it, ignores it for a number of reasons. It's very hard to own our own resistance of such. Sometimes we get very complacent in our own misery and become so gridlocked in it that we almost come to enjoy our pain. Very dangerous situation.

But that doesn't mean that - the tiny light and all it's power - isn't there for us. I think it always is. Just like Helen Keller - it was available to her and she found it. Wasn't easy...was alot of hard work. But hard work isn't a bad concept. It's hard to deal with the injustices and it's hard not to get lost in our own feeling of helplessness and to fight against how unfair it all is. Sometimes our looking for someone to come down and fix it all - is blinded by the fact that if WE are not involved in it, then we cannot become free of it. Because in that process of work and struggling - what we don't realize is - we produce muscles that are superior to the very evil that first wounded us. If we were just given our freedom - those muscles would never happen at all. And we'd have to be rescued time and time again over the course of our lives. And maybe....just maybe - our struggles against certain things actually gives great power to our spirit so that when this body is no more....it can soar to whatever next plain or level with tremendous ability.

I look at so many people, whether it's children with cancer or other people in horrible situations that they wrestle against and what I see in their lives, in their eyes - is something quite "not" of this world really. There's a transcendence kind of quality to them and is like you can just see them shaking off - so many things that we have yet to face and deal with and yet, the love for life and for people that I see, in the midst of all that pain and suffering and work - is just amazing to me. Yes, the feel all the pain and yes it's very, very hard - but something else is there....something very profound. Like an athlete who is becoming more and more able to run another race that will even go beyond this life...

All I know is...when you held her, Zinnie...you gave her some very important "juice". You will never truly know - it's worth or importance or power...but get a little glimpse of it when you see her beautiful smile, next time you look at her. That radiance - is partly "your radiance". (smile) You're a good Mommmy. I wish I had had a Mom like you....

December 4, 2003
4:30 pm
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unhappy camper
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Arwen
Very deep thoughts. Very interesting.

December 4, 2003
5:47 pm
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stopitnow
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hello...
believe it or not i made it through the night. i want to thank each one of you for giving me something to really think about. to help keep my mind in check. I have printed this thread off and will return to it when i need a reminder.

I will be fine thanks to all of you and a very very good friend i found to listen!!

I wish all of you nothing but the best, always!
Dawn

December 4, 2003
5:54 pm
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unhappy camper
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Whoopppeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!

What sensational news! I'm thrilled!

I hope to keep seeing you here when you want to talk.

You chose to stay and fight. What a trooper. You are a winner.

Never give up hope.

Whoopppeeee again!!!!! Yeahhhhhh!!!
That rocks!!!!

🙂
love to you,
camper

December 4, 2003
5:55 pm
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mj
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HUGS Dawn....I wish you the Best Life ever....Just take it a day at a time dear one. YOU will be ok if you do that and keep reaching out for support when the going gets rough.
Love to you and your children and your very very good friend.

December 4, 2003
6:25 pm
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Dawn, I am so very happy that things are looking better for you and that you have found some peace. We all truly do care about you and it broke our hearts to think about what could have happened if you hadn't reached out. God bless you and keep you safe.
Love, TS

December 4, 2003
11:28 pm
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Zinnie
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Dawn,

Glad to hear that... all the best and remember, you can always find someone here to help and listen.

Love,

Zinnie

December 4, 2003
11:33 pm
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Ladeska
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Dawn....will you please get on over here so I can just squeeze you till you dan't barely breathe???? I am so glad you came out of the forest, sweetheart. SO GLAD!! And, whatever you need to do - to set up things that will be Pro-You regarding your life, even if it means completely revamping it - just do it. You got to this dark place because of alot of things. Time now to step back and see what those contributing factors are. Now...when you can think clearly, while the dark fog is not snuffing out all light. If you need to get on an anti-depressant or whatever - then fine, just do it. Doesn't mean you have to be on it forever and ever. Some are better than others, so check them all out really, really well.

You came here asking someone to Stop it Now. So I'm telling you - do whatever you have to - to gird yourself up, to kick whatever to the curb of your life if you have to, to completely rearrange everything if you have to. But do some serious inventory and don't just let things ride as they are. Identify the thorns and the weeds and pull them right out, roots and all and plant yourself a garden...of your choosing and to your liking. It's your life...don't let anyone or anything take it from you. HUGS and lots and lots of KISSES all over your little face!! Come back here anytime or just stay or whatever. You're always welcome. It was an honor to assist you in any way here. You're here and you matter. Don't ever, ever forget that. When things get bad - DO NOT turn the weapons on yourself. Aim them at what is pulling you down into the mire and then do something about taking whatever that is - out of the equation. Love, Ladeska

December 4, 2003
11:47 pm
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arwen
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Dawn--what a beautiful name for this time in your life. Can you see the sun rising just over the rocky craigs jutting up on the desert skyline? Just hold still, keep your focus, one maybe two more seconds and the brightness of light breaks above the towering mountains, blinding your eyes, fueling your spirit--reminding you that you LIVE!

You squeeze your eyes shut against the brightness and when you open them up again you see the colors of the desert, reds, oranges, yellows, lavenders--reflected in the clouds you thought the sun had not yet touched. From where you stand, a gust of wind blows through you, making your hair of your head dance, making the hair on your arms stand at attention.

When the sun sets again, look for the first star, and trust it to resign itself to another sunrise worthy of your inner beauty.

Sincerely,

Arwen

December 4, 2003
11:52 pm
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Ladeska
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That was Purdy!!!

December 5, 2003
12:03 am
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arwen
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Ladeska, you are purdy!

Love,

Arwen

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