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suicide - what do you think happens to you after suicide?
December 2, 2003
5:26 pm
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unhappy camper
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They feel your influence and protection and the safe blanket of your love every day, all day. If you are not there, you have provided meals, a home, entertainment, rules to behave by, structure, the influence of your character and personality, the history of your family, the every day moral lessons, etc.

I was a single mom for 17 years and they went to daycare and after school programs. But I arranged everything, provided it all, made it happen, got them there and back, shared the days events with them.

We were connected.

I know the 3 of you are. And very strongly.

December 2, 2003
5:27 pm
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mj
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Children need to know they are loved.

They need their mother.

They need to be nurtured.

If you don't make them a priority they will end up getting depressed like you are now. They will think that its ok to end their precious wonderful lives because you didn't care enough to help them, and love them and protect them.

Life can suck. I agree. I raised my daughters, 2 solo for most of their lives. You got to take action and get yourself up for their sakes if not for your own. Hugs

December 2, 2003
5:27 pm
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tooscared
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Hi Stopitnow, I told you this morning that I would be back. I am glad that you have stuck around this afternoon.

There are many of us on here that are around your age. I also have a 15 year old boy. Even though they act like they don't need us or want to be anywhere near us, they really deep down need our love and acceptance. Your boys need their mom to be more than just the provider. they need to know that they always have someone who will love them, who will be there for them in the good and bad times - even though you feel like they take care of themselves all the time anyway, hopefully you know that they really couldn't make it without you.

December 2, 2003
5:29 pm
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mj
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I was depressed alot. If you don't make alot of money, there are programs that provide free counseling. Quit your damn jobs and get help for your sanity. Ask agencies to help you. Reach out...say I feel suicidal and I want to live.

December 2, 2003
5:31 pm
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mj
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Whats so hard... in your life?
What has got you so distraught?

December 2, 2003
5:33 pm
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mj
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Where is your extended family?
Do you have any support?
Is it money, is it the holidays....what is making you feel like giving up?

December 2, 2003
5:36 pm
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mj
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I do not want you to feel like you have no hope....

I understand feeling suicidal.
It is such a hopeless feeling.

I want you to live. I want you to care about you and find some hope.

December 2, 2003
5:38 pm
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mj
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YOU are IMPORTANT.....
We are strangers....but we care. Isn't it obvious?

Talk to us....don't just go silent...Cry with us....let us hold you. Let us comfort you.

December 2, 2003
5:43 pm
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mj
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Ok....I know that you are really upset.
I have been there done that.....but when you are ready to talk...YOU will know you can count on any of us to be there for you. Hugs dear one....Awareness is half the battle and you can win. Life can be very hard but it is always better after a purging of tears and pain.

December 2, 2003
5:51 pm
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mj
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Go home tonight and give each one of your children a big love and know that you are needed.....believe me, it would kill them to hear you wanted to leave them permanently. I guarantee it.

December 2, 2003
7:08 pm
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Ladeska
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Hi Sweetheart...was away for a bit and now I have to go do a doctor's appt.... Ugh... anyways, I read what you wrote and sooo very much understand. I do. I'll be back later on tonight. Stick with these ladies here, lovely people. Be back in a bit!! HUGS!!!

December 2, 2003
7:23 pm
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silence
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I have to start out by saying that I'm not on the edge. I just want to interject some personal things here.

There really aren't a lot of people in this world that are going to miss me. Mostly family. And I hate my family so much I think I'd rather cause them the pain from my suicide than to stay alive. So I guess I just have to keep myself occupied for a while, eh?

December 2, 2003
8:56 pm
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Ladeska
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Okay I'm back....was thinking about you though...took you with me. (smile) It all boils down to "do you matter"? Doesn't it? Sometimes in our lives, we deal with so much, trying to make a living, working two jobs like you are and basically not asking much, just to survive, provide for your kids and then....there's this "hollow" place inside you that says - what's all this for anyways? I keep going and going and if I sit and listen to alot of things going in my head - I'm pretty worthless here, aren't I? Yea, I know...been there. Nasty place to be....

But if I look back "where I was" there was an awful lot coming into my life that was "not me". My voice had gotten pretty drowned out to where I thought I heard it...but I really didn't because if I did - I'd here it calling out saying HELP!!! My answer to whatever I heard from that or preceived was that voice - was just shut up, okay? You've obviously caused enough trouble already!!

Hm,m,m.... Really? When I didn't succeed with my suicide attempt, which I did try, btw... I woke up feeling totally and completely different, whatever dark cloud I was in at that moment had passed and I was horrified that I actually almost really did it. But, when I could step back for a minute and think rationally before the next wave hit me and completely consumed me.... I started using the logical side of my brain...

I was very depressed, btw, and had been for awhile. So I was dealing with alot of chemicals in my own brain that my body was producing and me struggling to think logically was a real stretch. Sure, I "thought" that when I was contemplaing suicide that I was thinking calmly, rationally, I wasn't freaking out or doing anything really quickly, I thought it all out, too, etc., etc. But it was almost like the real problem was - a solution. And I found great comfort in "this" being - my solution. It felt good to mull it over, to plan it out, to think of different ways to do it, who would be happy about it, who wouldn't care, who would be hurt, etc.

And when it came to my own little girl...I was convinced, too, that she would be better off without me. But when I really sat down and surveyed "where" all THAT came from...it really wasn't - from me. But it was from alot of other people that meant me great harm over the course of my life. I hadn't realized how very effectively they had transferred their guilt, their misery, their pain and their absolute unwillingness to be held accountable for anything they had ever done. So here I was, willing to take all that on and go find my own cross and just get it over with. The weight of all that transference absolutely meant that - I should just end it all. It was too much to bear for one person. And actually - it WAS too much to bear...because it never belonged on MY shoulders to begin with. I just didn't recognize that at the time.

I had believed that alot of things were just my fault in one sense or another. That I could have done this or that different and this and that would not have happened as it did. And when I did that......I completely left out alot of other people in my life who had ALOT to do with - how things went. But in my world - it was just all MY fault. Some things I felt very strongly about and other things I knew were not really my fault, but I put them on the heap anyways because - why the hell not, everyone else put them there, I might as well agree, right? Wrong.

Mainly what I punished myself for in all reality was....the fact that I had been born to parents who really should have never had kids because they totally lacked the ability to love anyone, even themselves. I punished myself for what they did to me at times. Sometimes I really knew it was not my fault, but when certain things happened that were fuzzy to me and I thought those things might really "be me" then I just piled the other things right on top and made a big huge mountain out of it. Just thought well...maybe I'm just "cursed" ya know? Maybe that's it, so why the hell fight it??

And later that same week when I was hashing this all out in my mind, I had had a fight with my mother about something and my daughter had witnessed it. Now she was all of five, okay? But a very precocious five year old, very perceptive, very smart and sensitive. So, as usual, my mother was right and I was wrong. What else was new? And I hadn't spoken to her for days and we went by the turnoff to where she lives. My daughter spoke up and said - you're not going to see grandmother, are you? I said - um, no, I wasn't, why?

She goes....well, DON'T!! Because SHE is the one that needs to apologize, not you and you don't need to go and talk to her until she apologizes, Mom! I just looked at her and went, WOW! Out of the mouths of babes!!

Then it just hit me....she was who she was because she was a chip off the old block and I had taught her, even at that young age, she had alot of integrity going on inside her, alot of spirit and a strong sense of right and wrong. I also started thinking "who" would be the influences in her life if I wasn't here anymore? Who would continue to teach her these things? My mother? Yea right! Her father? I don't think so. So who? Would she really be better off without me or would I just leave her with nothing but questions? With anger that would probably never go away, with pain that no one could ever fix or help. With so many holes in her being that no one would ever be able to fix....

I was a working mom since she was 1 1/2 and it bothered me a great deal. I wasn't around her as much as I wanted to and I felt really guilty about all that. I felt bad that she and her father had busted up when she was so young and I doubted my ability to really provide for her well.

My mother was well off, her father was well off and yet....what did she really, really need in this life? Money? Was that it? Was that all? I looked at her and saw myself and realized that people had bailed on me, too, hadn't been there for me and I was about to do the very same thing to her because I was in so much pain.

Looking at that sweet little unsuspecting face just broke me into a million pieces. I would purposely do something that would cause her incredible pain in her life, pain that could never really be healed....maybe helped a little, but never healed.

When I looked around me, I had no support from anyone. My mother was intent on pounding me into the ground at every turn, basically because she had abandoned me years ago when I was also 1 1/2 and left me with a man who raped me, beat me and tortured me like no one should be tortured. And here I was going to do the same thing to my own child....in the way of abandoning her.

Now I look back on it and can see what would have happened to some degree and it just makes me shiver. Her stepmother that would have raised her along with her father - couldn't stand her at the time. She wanted her own baby and he didn't want to have children, so she hated his one and only offspring. I'm so sure life with her would have just lovely.

And her father, well, he was always more concerned with "things and how looked to the outside world" that at best, he would have provided for her montetarily but as far as ever really knowing her, or spending quality time really connecting with her...forget that. Wouldn't have happened. That has happened yet and she's a grown woman and he's had plenty of opportunity.

Over the next few weeks, I started really looking at what really made up this voice inside my head of just "do it" and get it over with. And that voice was not my own. It really wasn't. It was the voice of all these other people who basically hated me because I had something *alive* inside me that they had long since murdered inside themselves and yes, they very much hated me for that. They wouldn't have cried if I left this world. I'm sure they would have been quite glad because my presence here reminded them of what they did and it also said - I spit in your eye because what I have inside me is stronger than the evil inside you... They didn't like that much. Kinda messed with their own ego they had going on or false ego as it was and still is.

So, I decided to "shake it up". I decided to basically move, get another job and get the hell out of Dodge so that at every turn I was not reminded of all this bullshit. That every time I picked up the phone I didn't hear it, that everytime I went over to my mother's, I didn't see it or feel it.

And lo and behold, I was walking down the hall of the Pentagon with my boss behind me and he goes - Hey, how would you like to move to the other end of the country and work for us over there? I was like WHAT??? You serious? Yep, he was. And yes, within months, I was gone. History.

I cannot even begin to tell you how wonderful that was. I cut all ties, snipped strings and just left. Wasn't easy but the hell I was living in wasn't easy either. I had tried at the age of 26 to try and get to know my mother that had abandoned me and to have a family finally. It backfired on me like you cannot even imagine. This woman was sooo incredibly sick and twisted with the ways she hurt me and stabbed in the back that I still cannot even imagine a mother doing this to her child. Especially when that child had already been through hell on earth! But...what it was really about was - how dare ME come out of my hell - pretty much okay and actually pretty strong. How dare I - overcome like that without any help from her.... It kind of stung her I think. I wasn't a raving lunatic. I was smart, I was talented, I was a good mother, I wasn't coming at her like I wanted anything from her or wanting to accuse her. I just wanted to get to know her and maybe have a real mother for once.

But as time went on, I realized, she had thrown that one away a long, long time ago. She had no intentions of being my mother....and she did not ever love me. That hurt. I won't say it didn't. But when I faced all these voices, I had to realize - THAT had absolutely nothing to do with me really. It had everything to do however - with her.

So I had to separate all that out and I had to get down to - who I was and what I wanted and what were MY rules for living and living well? What made me happy, what made me sad, what did I think about things and all that...needed to "matter". It needed to matter to me. Even if it had never mattered to anyone else on the planet. It needed to matter to me.

When that happened. Those voices started finding their place inside me - not a welcome place anymore because I kicked their asses right out when I heard them operating. OH NO you don't!!!

And that little girl "very much" needed her Mommie... I shudder now to even think what would have happened in her life if I had of ended mine. I've been her only lifeline. She is definitely like me and definitely has so much potential in this world that it's really quite mindblowing. And if I had of landed that blow to her, at that time in her life...I don't think she would be anything like she is now... I really don't. Who would have taught her, guided her and really, really loved her? No one that I know of.

But the depression part of it - is horrible. Sometimes you do need help to get those things in check and balanced out because that is very hard to overcome on your own. I did but I wouldn't recommend it. Everyone's chemical makeup is different and at different times in my life - it's been harder. Once I did have to go get medication and it got me over the slump and then I got over it.

I'm quite sure that when you look through "your filter" right now - you don't matter to anyone, not good for anything, no one would miss you or care and that's just that. Yea, I know.....heard that one before up close and personal. But it's false. It's a very, very false voice and it's full of lies. Lies that will steal your life right away and into a vacuum that will continue to suck things into long after you've gone.

For one thing, with my daughter, I got to grow up through her, with her. I got to experience a part of life that I never really got to before. And she has to be the most beautiful person on the planet. If I did nothing else in this life - I can say that I raised her and be extremely proud of that fact because she is amazing!!

Please talk to us here. Throw things out at us, tell us what those voices are about, who they are, why you believe them. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain here by doing that. Prove your case here, try it in court so to speak. If you should die - then tell us why and what that sentence consists of? You do know that it's a sentence, don't you? So at least tell us what the crime is - that is deserving of death?

December 2, 2003
11:47 pm
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whyme85
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There are a lot of posts on this issue and I am not going to read them all because I do not want to read up on this touchy of a question but I do want people to know that I am a 2 time survivor of a loved ones suicide. I lost a high school friend my sophomore year and a family friend 9 months later who was like a dad to me. If anyone needs support after losing a loved one or friend to suicide please visit http://www.geocities.com/suici.....urvivorssg
I hope everyone is able to stay strong! 🙂 Hugs
Whyme

December 3, 2003
4:12 am
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Zinnie
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Dear Stop,

You have not posted, and I'm just worried. Let us know you are O.K.

Remember we are here for you. Also, there are crises numbers on this site should you need them.

You ARE loved by many, and also by people here even though we might not know you in person.

Love,

Zinnie

December 3, 2003
4:17 am
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Zinnie
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Hi Silence,

I just read your posts. Why do you hate your family so much? Just wondering as I thought you said you lived with them, although I am probably mistaken.

As for people missing you if you were really gone, of course you would be missed. I sometimes get the feeling, you like to have this "gruff" exterior. But, then, I see the help and patience you have show Lisset in helping her with her home work, and there another wonderul facet to your personality.

Personally, I think funerals are ridiculous. My husband's Aunt passed away... about eight or so months ago. Anyway, we always got along with her, but she was kind of a "crustly old lady" - but she meant well. Anyway, from the day I married my husband all I ever heard from anyone was how much they hated this Aunt. Then, when she died, they all show up. They are crying and wailing and carrying on. Same thing just last month, and I'm sure today in my Dad's family over the loss of first my Aunt last month, then my Uncle a few days ago.

So... because of that, I have told my husband - as I feel he will long out live me. Bury me at the cemetary, have a priest bless me going into the ground, in a pine box. Period. I would only want my dearest friends and my husband to be there anyway. But, that is just me.

Back to you... trust me, you would be missed.

Z.

December 3, 2003
4:33 am
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silence
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Lived with them my whole life. But nobody has really talked to me since I was 10. After everything that happened when I was 16 went down, they tried to get back in my life, but I wouldn't let them. Right now we dwell under the same roof. I almost never see them. And I don't talk to them when I do.

Again. I'm not about to jump off a ledge here. But if I were, you guys would be fine after a couple of hours.

I don't know about arrangmetns for my body. I could honestly care less. Feed my body to the sharks. Or let some necrophiliacs have fun with it. I don't care at that point. I'm dead. How can I care?

December 3, 2003
4:38 am
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Zinnie
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Anytime some one dies, eventually Silence, yes, life does go on. It has to.

What happened when you were 16? How old are you now?

Z.

December 3, 2003
6:46 am
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justjane
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silence,

i bet more people care about you then you know. i know everyone on here cares, and i doubt we'd be over it "in a couple hours". i, for one, love your dry sense of humor, and the patience you show to people on here. we know you are hiding a caring compassionate person inside there. we all care about you here, and we don't even know you.

December 3, 2003
9:41 am
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unhappy camper
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silence
You are a part of our lives forever.
Now that we know you, we know you. You are in our 'family' circle.

Rather than thinking of 'missing you' we want to keep you around and see your life improve and see you happy and tap dancing.

We are NOT willing to let go of you, so screw that idea. OK?

love,
camper

December 3, 2003
9:51 am
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stopitnow
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Ladeska,

thank you for taking me with you yesterday and for sharing so much with me/us.

thanks to all of your for your support. I won't be posting here today but will check in later in the evening. i am feeling better today but not 'out of the woods' yet.

it's continually on my mind.

thanks again to everyone!

December 3, 2003
11:36 am
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Ladeska
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stopitnow....Hey, you don't have to thank me, I just know what it's like to be "in those woods". And how it feels when that sinking feeling comes into your chest again.... I can almost feel that now just remembering it. Was intense. But it was also due to alot of battering, that had built up and built up over time. I think at some point, our insides just get so bloody and wounded that - we kinda go into shock, where we don't feel much of anything except the resignation of dying and letting go...

That's a dangerous place. Shock, as you know, when it's in a physical sense, after trauma of some kind - is rather hairy and people can die from shock. I think that's kind of the case here when you've just had your limit of trauma, in a emotional and mental sense that - you've reached that point of - can't do this anymore, something has to give!

And....if we've been conditioned to think that "it's always my fault" then - it's not hard to go right for suicide. It just seems natural. I'm guilty - I need to pay the penalty, right?

Or, just flat tired of being tired and hurting and want out. Okay, fine, understand that...but there are alot more options in this life than suicide to end hurting, to give you rest and peace of mind and to be a real solution. But when you get in this fog, and get obssessed with the idea of suicide, it's almost like being in a trance. You don't want to look at any other option because this one - takes center stage. You assume that all the other options out there - you've tried already and whatever else is there - won't work.

That's really, really thinking inside the box and much to our own demise. Sure, if you only bring into your box "this many" solutions and try them, they don't work and then you call it quits - yea....that would be it, wouldn't it? But it's the sides on the box........that's the problem. We're taught to live inside boxes. Why? I don't know. But we are taught that way of thinking.

Instead of....the fact that energy, what it's made up of - is infinitely abounding....therefore.....solutions and possibilities are also infinite and endless. Kinda like looking at the sky through a peephole in the box, as opposed to kicking down the sides of the box, laying flat on the ground and seeing "the BIG sky".

But that energy and that motion of the swift kick from your feet....comes from.....that little something inside that other little something called "life" inside you. It's that spark - that has to have your permission to be "active". You give it the go ahead - and look the hell out! I know because, I've done it. It works!

It's that place you get to where you say.......you know what? I'm not taking the rap for all this. Just not. And.....I'm not going to be corralled and trapped in a corner either. What am I going to do? What is my plan? How am I going to do the impossible here? Um....dunno. Just know I'm going to and you might want to back up because when I move forward, I'm taking anything out that stands in my way. Kapeesh??

It's that thing in you that fires off, let's say if an intruder breaks into your house and has beat the complete ever loving shit out of you until you can barely even move and then you see them going for your kids. Whatever it is that gets "set off" inside you when you get this incredible amount of will and determination and strength that comes from who knows where that - raises up and says - OH NO YOU DON'T!!

It's kinda cool actually. I've thrown a man twice my size across the room before because I got that kind of "surge". He saw a chiropractor for awhile because of it. But I told him not to pin me down. He didn't listen....

You don't always have to know - what you're going to do when it comes to a solution, but something inside you does have to "click, lock and load" and basically proclaim - I don't know how yet, just know I'm GONNA. When that happens, believe me - you'll find a way and you'll blaze a path.

But to get to that point, my suspicions are that - you have to get rid of alot of webs inside your own mind about "who you are" and what your real worth is in this world. That's been messed with and I can see some people in the background that have had everything to do with that by their influence in your life.

So, I'll roll up my sleeves, if you will. I'll get down in the dirt and dig, if you will. Ain't go nothing else better to do. I love to play in the dirt and mud anyways! Feel my best when I'm covered in it actually!! I'm just a bratty little kid that never grew up, what can I say.

But uh, these kids of yours.....I'm fighting for here. But most importantly......I'm fighting for "you" because there is a world of hurt in your life, sweetie, that needs attention and no better time like the present. Like I said - you prayed.......and maybe someone answered you.

I'm here and these other lovely people are here as well. That was no accident. No accident that you came here. You can tell yourself that if you want to but - you do know better, right? (smile)

So get your little butt right back here and let's get down to business.... And prepare to be loved on here because we're just a bunch of lovebugs. I'm here waiting for you....

December 3, 2003
2:28 pm
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Ladeska
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Just went to my doctor's appt. and as usual...took you with me. (smile) You're just in my pocket! Anyways, was thinking about your name here..."stopitnnow". Interesting choice of words. If you look at it - it's a defensive name. Meaning that - you are blocking something that's coming at you. Which means.......you're wanting to stop THAT, whatever that is. Meaning.....obviously all the bad in your life is NOT being generated by "you". YOU just spoke that, you put that in print, that came from YOU, so you do know and acknowledge that - you're in a defensive stance here from something coming at you - from the outside.

THEREFORE........let's just turn up this box of stuff and let it all roll out on the table. Finances? Got financial problems? Need a new job so you can spend more time with the kids? Need to maybe move away from a certain place that brings you nothing but bad vibes for whatever reason? Need to claim bankruptcy just to start a clean slate? Need to cut some people out of your life that bring you nothing but misery? Time to shake it up, sweetheart. Time to just take the whole damn box of STUFF and pour it all right out on the table here.

We need to put you over in a protective place though, with shields up - basically saying to you that - YOU are off limits here. I know you want to throw darts at yourself, understand that, but even though you don't quite feel like it - let's just put you over in a place that says - Don't Touch.

And then let's tackle the problems, one by one. Okay fine, if there is no way out - then Prove it to me. Show me. If you're going to accuse yourself, put yourself on trial and condemn yourself to death....then state your case. Let's take a look. I'd hate to see you actually do this and not prove your case, at least to yourself beyond a shadow of a doubt. I think your kids deserve - you're doing this, don't you? Go take a real long look at their little faces and then come back here and write to me.....let's get busy here.

Oh, and btw, on the way back, take a look in the mirror at yourself...and the child you used to be and that is still obviously hurting and THEN come back here and let's get busy....

December 3, 2003
2:39 pm
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Ladeska
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September 27, 2010
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Silence.....your words really hit home with me personally because to be quite honest, I had that much anger for the people who hurt me and then had to live with them until I could get away from them. You betcha. And if you're not around people like really around them in person, which we aren't here......it's easy to think that people just don't care because for me - my trust level was zippo. You really had to be around me for quite awhile for to even begin to trust that you cared for me. I still have a tight seal on trust. So yea, I could have written something just like you did, understand.

When you're hurt by people who are supposed to love you the most - that's really brutal. I mean - where do you go from there?? It's damned difficult. And it's just insult to injury to have to live with them as well. Talk to them? Why would you? I don't know what happened, but can tell from the way you talk, it wasn't good and it hurt you severely. Doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out.

I very much understand your sarcasm and your dry wit. It's a defense mechanism. It keeps people at bay and it keeps you from feeling your own pain. If you're confronted with people who've hurt you on a day in and day out basis and those people never reach out to you or accept responsibility for anything - well, um....the energy it takes to put up a shield against all that - is tremendous.

I can remember going to college and then having to come back home and live during the summer and people visiting me and going "who are you?" Because I was sooo different when I was home. I was very quiet, very withdrawn and very shut down. But I had to be that way, to just "be there" in their presence. Was horrible for me. But I didn't realize it. I'd go HUH? I'm different? How? And they go OMG - you are so full of life and happy and positive when you are at college, but here - it's like meeting someone entirely different. I just said.....yea, well, anything positive and lively does not last for very long in this household without being kicked and attacked. It was like walking into a dark, heavy fog when I'd walk into that house. Very oppressive.

So, just wanted you to know, Silence...I understand...or at least as much as I can. And even though I don't know you in person or whatever - I'd miss you. And it wouldn't just be over in a couple of hours either. You'd pop up in my memory quite a bit. I think alot of the reason would be because - I do identify with you. And....I do know there is a way out. Isn't easy, but it's there.

December 3, 2003
3:04 pm
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arwen
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September 24, 2010
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Wow.

This thread got my attention.

What interesting and valuable posts.

I have seen "What Dreams May Come", it's one of my most favorite movies ever...

As a lot of you are aware, I deal with--something--not sure what other than the knowledge that it will continue as long as my soul lives in this particular body.

I get terribly depressed, to the point of not being able to function. I, too, think about my kids, and that I might actually be doing them a favor by getting my sick, fucked-up self out of their lives.

I start to feel better. So well, in fact that I want to "get well" and am forced to face the fact that the depression will return. Then I get insomnia. I ruminate. Can't sleep. Feel intense anxiety. Get up and try to "do" something. End up laid out with exhaustion after about 3-5 days of this. The depression builds. I try to hang on from one moment to the next. Somewhere inside myself I wonder when I'll lose this war. When will I be too tired to fight? When will there come a time that the depression is simply stronger than I am?

I live. Every moment of my life I LIVE. I feel every feeling with multiplied intensity. I work to pay attention to what is going on in our world, and in my world. The world of single parenting, ups, downs, loneliness, and no one noticing until something "happens". A world where everyone says "I love you", but when the chips are down, they are no where to be found.

Maybe my life is this way in order that I might learn to depend on myself more than in those around me. That I might learn the value of who I am on my terms, not as defined by someone else. That I might find desire to live not because I'm too ashamed or frightened to kill myself, but because I am worth living for.

Or maybe I'm just full of shit and none of this really matters in the "big picture". What am I? A speck. I flash of a millisecond in eternity. But a spark of godforce--and maybe that is enough.

Arwen

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