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suicide attempt, now can't leave bed
April 19, 2005
3:07 pm
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exoticflower
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Maybe it's what I needed. I'm starting Zoloft tommorow, and they don't think I need to be kept in the hospital. I guess I took a lot more medicine than I even knew, some parts of the night it was like I was drunk and blacked out, but my bf said I also took a bunch of his perscription medicine. It's really amazing that I'm alive. I'm still very dizzy and they do want me to go to the Dr. tommorow to make sure that I am not suffering internal damage, and for now of all things, they told me to go back to bed. All that window opening and such just to go back to bed. Just because of all the medicines still working my system--I don't know if it's the hurricane these past days have been or the medicine, but I was shaking horribly while I was talking to the dr. So, I'll be down for a day or so, and then I'll be dealing with everything. Shrink every thurs. @ 5, antidepressants (just for now), lots of love here at home, things will be fine. Thank you, I couldn't have done it alone I don't think--I'm filled with more gratitude for this site right now than I know how to say. I feel a little saved right now if that doesn;t sound too cheesy. Thank you.

((((((((((all))))))))))))

April 19, 2005
6:35 pm
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on my way
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exoticflower-
Glad you are feeling more positive, keep your spirits up, and always make it a point to stop in here and write when you need extra support! Hugs and prayers, omw

by the way, why did you choose the name "exotic flower?"

April 19, 2005
6:44 pm
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CODA_Mom
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No, ef, what you said does not sound "cheesy" **smiles**. I am just so thankful that you pulled thru and are able to talk about it. We will all be pullin' and praying for ya!

((((HUGS)))),

CM

April 19, 2005
6:49 pm
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memphis
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I am praying for you

April 19, 2005
7:57 pm
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Rasputin
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EF,

I have added your name to my prayer list.

(((HUGS)))

April 20, 2005
5:38 am
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revelation
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exoticflower, I am so glad that you got through this, remember to keep taking special care of yourself until you are feeling better. Life is worth living. Change is never impossible.

April 20, 2005
5:46 am
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So glad to hear you are being looked after, and that you're finding your own inner strength again. Take it easy, and you will move on from this a much more secure person, with a bright bright future!!

~LOVE CHARLIE~

April 20, 2005
11:02 am
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exoticflower
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On My Way, I chose the nickname because I was a very goofy looking kid-buck teeth, early skin problems, frizzy hair, bony as could be, generally not very pretty. Then when I was 15 I got really pretty (it's one possitive thing I can always say about myself, I grew to be very beutiful). It was short lived joy for me as my stepmother learned to use it as a weapon, like being pretty made me stupid and manipulative, but in that little window I really felt like an exotic flower that no one expected to see look quite like it did. I wanted to choose a name that really made me feel warm and fuzzy and confident, and reminding myself of when I felt confident for the first time always did. Also, it would be nice to feel good about myself again, and I'd felt good about myself there before, so I thought I would start with something I know for a fact is possible.

Thanks all, I'm holding up well today. Tired, but hopeful. Started taking Zoloft too, we'll see how that goes. Nervous about my brains and neurons, but I suppose they aren't in such good shape to begin with.

April 20, 2005
11:32 am
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D dog
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Hi EF -

I am so sorry for what happened - did the same thing myself about a year ago. I, too, felt very selfish afterwards, but in going through it, it brought me to where I am now, which - will not great (yet!) - is much better.

Don't worry about the Zoloft, it will only balance your brain chemistry, which is now out of balance. Some of us are born like that, or perhaps we develop the imbalance later in life. Anti-depressants have truly changed my life, and I hope they will help you - have faith!

In the meantime, as everyone has said, therapy is a huge help also. I am so glad you posted on the site and received the outpouring of love and caring that you so deserve! If you get really down again, come here first...

I wish you a speedy recovery, and please love yourself and be patient, no one deserves to die, no matter how bad things seem...the world needs you in it!

Take care, and much love -

(((((EF)))))

April 21, 2005
1:30 am
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bonita1
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(((((EF))))))

April 22, 2005
9:37 am
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angel4U
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Good morning ef!

I only have a few minutes but wanted to see how you are doing? How did your therapy session go yesterday (I think you had one)?

angel4u

April 22, 2005
10:37 am
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exoticflower
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Really well, Angel, thanks for asking. It was supposed to be just sort of a meet and greet, but I ended up blubbering about how hard everything is and how unhappy I've been for so long, and it felt really good. I don't know what they expected to happen in a full hour of meet and greet, I think she was looking for family history and such. She was really nice though, let me bring me daughter, and said that all that I was feeling was, while not always healthy, completely to be expected under the circumstances I have suffered. So I cried all over again, then my hour was up. I know it doesn't sound like a lot, but it somehow felt very liberating.

Again, thanks so much for asking. I hope you have a great day!

-exoticflower

April 22, 2005
2:29 pm
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angel4U
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=))) ... Glad to see you are doing better, ef!!! ... =))) ... The first talk with the therapist is always the hardest (for both of you). I am glad you were able to open up to her and you feel comfortable with her. That's sooo important. Stay strong, you can get through this!!!

(((((ef))))))

April 22, 2005
2:49 pm
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jamaicanwife
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I didn't cry until my second session, and I know I felt as though I was really making progress! There is something about talking to someone who for that hour is completely focused on you and your problems that just feels so good. I know that in my real life I often feel powerless and ignored, and in my sounselling sessions I feel as though I am finally being noticed.

April 22, 2005
3:06 pm
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exoticflower
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There was some of what Jamaicanwife just said, there was a lot of that actually, and also a lot of her saying that I HAVE been through a lot, that I DO have a lot on my plate all at once, like she tapped a magic want on my head and absolved me from my guilt for a minute and just let me hurt and accept why...if that makes sense at all. When I got home my BF asked 'what did you talk about?', but more like he was asking what we said about him and our problems, and it felt nice to say me and MY problems. He stayed very quiet all day, I think it's a lot for him to absorbe too!

Don't get me wrong, I still feel washed with saddness, and while I am not the poor mush of a thing I was a couple of days ago I am still crying a lot and pretty overwhelmed, though I guess that's to be expected for a while. I wanted to think weeks, but she said often times it's months before someone in a real state of serious depression can really be out of the woods.

And THAT was depressing.

But things are going better, I'm seeing that things will be ok eventually, and I'm looking foreward to that.

Wow, mouthful. Anyway, that's what I know about therapy now.

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