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suicide attempt, now can't leave bed
April 18, 2005
10:58 pm
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exoticflower
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thats where i'm at i hate myself.

April 18, 2005
11:07 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Hey exoticflower:

I'm sorry I don't know your story, but I wanted to ask you. What's goin on? What is so bad that you want to die? Don't get me wrong. I do know what it feels like to want with all my being to die. I've been there. So, since 've been there I want to tell you that it's not worth it. That as bad as things are now, and I don't know what they are, but it will pass. As they say "This too shall pass".

I know it doesn't seem like it now, but you are worth so much more than hating yourself. There is nothing you could have done that cannot be forgiven. It would be an injustice to all that know you to die in this manner. You would be sentencing them to a lifetime of torture. Is that what you want? To hurt everyone around you? I think not.

Please get out of the bed and let's move on. Go check yourself into the hospital or call and see a counselor if you are not already seeing one. Let's take whatever it is that is tearing you up and let's get rid of it. You can do it. I know you can.

One baby step in front of the other. K?

April 18, 2005
11:21 pm
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Anonymous
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Exotic,

Are you OK? Please keep corresponding here all you need to, minute by minute if that is what it takes. How are you? Don't let go...

Hugs,

Sunny

April 19, 2005
2:10 am
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Exoticflower

I am really concerned about you. You sound as though you are in an awful place right now.

You feel like this now, but you won't always feel this way..

Give yourself a chance to come to terms with what you thought was your only escape..

People are always ready to help you...all you have to do is reach out somehow

Please, please respond. Everyone here will hear you..

((((((((((strong hugs, gentle hugs or just a hand to hold)))))))))

~love charlie~

April 19, 2005
6:46 am
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CODA_Mom
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exoticflower,

Keep talking, sweetie, did you have more negative contact with your bf? What is going on? Is your daughter being looked after?

As mamac said, you need to call a crisis number. If you can't find one in your phone book, check out this web site:

http://suicidehotlines.com

Don't put it off, ef, I will be praying for you.

Hugs,
CM

April 19, 2005
8:38 am
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angel4U
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Hi my friend,

I am sooo sorry I have not been here for awhile. I have been busy helping my Dad move, and have been trying to quietly deal with some of my own crummy feelings, and didn't think I'd be of any help to anyone.

I was "very" sad to hear that you are in this REALLY crummy place right now. It sounds like those crappy feeling of disempowerment are creeping up on you again. Talk to me! What is going on with you? What thoughts are running through your head right now?

April 19, 2005
8:47 am
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2bstrong
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Dear little flower,

How strong this site is. I was driving by a plant store the other day on the way to work and I saw a sign that said: exotic flowers! And I thought of you and the wonderful words you shared with me the other day on a thread.

We're here for you...please talk to us.

blesssings and many, many hugs.

April 19, 2005
9:01 am
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angel4U
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We are all praying for you ef.

God, please hold exotic flower in your arms right now. She is hurting very badly and needs You. She needs to know that You love her and care for her and that everything will be ok. While you are holding her, please give her the strength to feel your beautiful spirit that will bring her the peace within herself that she so much needs and deserves right now to help her heal from her pain.

I ask this through Christ, our Lord. Amen.

(((((((((((((ef))))))))))))))

April 19, 2005
10:30 am
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exoticflower
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your prayers help, they do. please keep praying. i don't know what happened, things where good and my bf is really trying and doing the right things, even cut the girls he used to be involved in out of his work group at his college because he sees nothing worth keeping them around if it created reasonable distrust for me. His family is trying to help and I found out about the books, that they where before they knew he was planning on being an active father just to force the idea down his throat--they where ashamed to hear what the one book was, they ordered it from amazon w-out looking close enough. They are calling every day, worried sick. It's really no one but me. iI just crashed, suddenly felt so worthless and so angry and I wandered the streets nearly blacked out with anger. I took 20 nyquil, 12 motion sickness pills, 20 tylenol. BF noticed at bed that I was breathing funny and not making sense, made me throw up. I'm barely holding it togeather for my little girl, I hate myself for that, I just can't. I can't find a place in myself where there is strength, even enough to start trying to get better. My poor bf, I'm making him have sex with me all the time to turn my mind off, falling back on old patterns, and if he doesn't going hysterical that he doesnt love me that i'm worthless that I'm not even good enough to be a whore. he tries to hide it but he cries when he gives in, I scare him. i just feel so empty, just want to be dead, just feel so sick, i dont know why i'm like this, so pathetic.I dont want to feel this way

April 19, 2005
10:36 am
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mamacinnamon
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EF:

Please, please, please.... go check into the hospital. You say you don't know why you are like this..... Go find out why. Go get the help you need. You have a beautiful child that loves you and needs you. Your boyfriend loves you and needs you. Your family loves you and needs you. Please, go find out what is goin on within you. Don't they deserve that you give it one more try? If not for you then at least for them.

We all here care so much for you. My heart bleeds for your pain.

Let's get up and let's go to the hospital. We are all here for you as they are all there for you.

Now it's your decision. Can't hurt to give it a try.

April 19, 2005
11:14 am
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angel4U
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I agree, ef. Please go talk to someone. We would all be soo sick inside if anything terrible happened to you. PLEASE!! Find someone there that can help you. You do not have to deal with all of this by yourself. There are MANY people that have felt the way you do, and MANY people in the professional world that can help you work through this.

This does not mean any of us are leaving you. We will all still be here, too. But if you are feeling so bad that you want to die and have attempted taking your life, your situation is very serious and we can only do so much from cyber-space.

I truly believe much of your pain and hateful feelings toward yourself are being caused by the words and treatment from your step-mom that you have internalized. To help you get back to reality about her words/behaviors towards you, remember that many people act out based on how they are feeling about themselves. Some people take it out on themselves (even you are doing this right now, right?), others take it out on other people. If you can go back and use this thinking about it all, could it maybe be that your step-mom was a very sick/weak woman and hated herself, not you? And that you (unfortunately) were her punching bag because of the very fact that you were young and had minimal defense and therefore she could do it? You were a little girl, ef. How in the world could a little girl be so bad, as she said you were? Think about other little girls in the world ... would you ever give a second thought about who was "really" unhealthy if you were watching a grown woman treat a little girl like you were treated? Read the threads about Jigs. Is she wrong, or is it that her grandpa is a VERY SICK MAN, and unfortunately is making her sick in the process? What would you say to her right now? My guess is that what you would say are the same things you need to be saying to yourself right now. IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT! YOU ARE NOT BAD! You are a wonderful human being that deserves to be loved!!!

We all need to feel like we are loved and cared for. ALL of us!! But we have to believe inside that we deserve it to find it, and know what it is when it is right in front of us and to know what it is not so that we do not open our hearts to the wrong people or to people that will use that love to their own selfish advantage. It sounds to me from your posts like you have sabotaged real love in the past by pretending that you were this "bad" person (e.g. your claims to be sexually promiscuous) ... in other words, showing your step-mom she was right.

The past is gone, ef. I am very sorry that this happened to you. If you read some of my posts, you will know that I truly can feel your pain as I went through some very simlar treatment for a very long time, and felt similar to what you are feeling. But as we know, we can not change the past and we can not change the way people treat us today. But we can change how we choose to perceive it and deal with it. Only you can stop this way of thinking, and start seeing your past for the way it really was. And I believe it will only be then that you will start your journey towards a happier, more peaceful life.
What I have chosen to do and it has helped me tremendously is to try to look at every situation as something to be learned from, and something to help me become a better person. Even when I have been in the wrong and have asked for forgiveness and have been turned down, I can still learn something from it to use going forward.

Ask yourself right now: "What positive things can I take from my situation with my step-mom, or my negative experiences with my bf? They are there, I promise you, even if they are hard to see.

Hang in there, my friend!!!

(((((((((((ef)))))))))))))

April 19, 2005
11:32 am
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exoticflower
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Oh angel, thank you for your words, thank god for your words. somewhere in me i know it;s true, and i need to get real help--im just so scared, just dont know where to start, just dont know how i can find even that little bit of strength to start

April 19, 2005
11:42 am
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Desert Moon
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exoticflower,

I am going through a rough time, but for all my hurt know it can't compare. please keep posting and letting all those who care keep lifting you up with their prayers. You will get through this, you will heal, please believe this, believe in yourself, that you are strong.

That little girl inside is hurting and crying for someone to hold her. We are doing that for you right now. You are a beautiful soul don't let it be crushed by allowing yourself to continue to believe all those hurtful lies your stepmom told you about yourself. It was very likely she felt that way about herself and needed to use you as a scapegoat to empower her. Don't let her win.

we love you eflower!

April 19, 2005
11:54 am
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revelation
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Hi exoticflower.
I've been rock-bottom too, just a few months ago. I can name the minute I hit it...monday morning 9.02am one week after I had a miscarriage, the miscarriage being the straw that broke the camels back so to speak. You need to start talking now!! You don't need to start seeking out pscych's straight away, I couldn't do that either, didn't have the energy or strength, I even had a good friend calling therapists and making appointments, but it just seemed that the pressure of going and talking to a "professional" would send me right under...know what I mean? So, I put on my coat and walked to my local doctors office (Don't need to make any appointments). I'd seen him before only for colds, flu and tummy bugs...but WOW he really helped!!
He was just a kind stranger really, but thats all that was needed...I sat and sobbed and talked and babbled for an hour and he just listened and then calmly laid out my options. It made me just that little bit more ready to go see a therapist...like a stepping-stone. So exoticflower, is there anyone like this near you? A local doctor? health-nurse? hospital? Anywhere that there are caring people?
You need to go and be comforted.
Please try this. Please don't give up...I know its painful at the moment and I know its unbearable, but just think...if you can fight this then you can fight anything...how STRONG you will be.

April 19, 2005
12:02 pm
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exoticflower
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i just move here, i dont really have anyone but my daughters father. his parents are trying to get me an anti-depressent, but it's just like what you describe, like a bottom im laying on with so much on top of me. and i need prayers. i dont pray, i dont even know why i'm asking for them, i want to feel like god hated me right nw, but i just know somehow that i need them. i ache, ive neverfelt like this before. i'm so, i dont know theres just so much despare.

my daughter is safe, she has gone to work with her dad--he's a teacher, so it;s fun for his students to see him with a baby, and i'm just not able to give her what she needs today. I feel like the most selfish woman alive, all i can feel is my own pain, and then I hate myself and its always about me.

April 19, 2005
12:11 pm
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angel4U
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Believe it or not, you already have started simply by coming here and posting, sharing your most vulnerable feelings, and asking for help. So give yourself a big pat on the back! ... =))

I know asking for help and being vulnerable to others, especially when your uncomfortable feelings were not heard and cared for in the past, can be very scarey. I still have somewhat of a hard time reaching out for help because for so long I felt I needed to be strong and handle it all myself. This "being strong" was my way of surviving as a child in an environment that I "had" to be strong all the time in. And in some regards, was a good thing for me (helped me stand up to people that would have otherwise knocked me down). But in other ways it was bad, because we can not grow and learn more healthy ways of thinking and build healthier relationships without being 'real' with others that can help us. That brought a thought to mind - Don't you just love those people that walk around with the attitude "get a grip", but never offer any compassion, understanding or advise ... as if they have never had an emotion in their life?! UGHHHHH!!! To me, these people are either clueless (which is ok to not understand something), or are hiding their own insecurities. Don't be one of them ... BE REAL! Your being real may just start a trend for others to follow! ... =))

Ok, back to where to go from here ... I am not sure what your fears are, but I think mine are more based around being judged harshly (I'm a baby, I'm weak, etc.) or of being taken advantage of. Part of this is that when we are vulnerable, this could truly be the reaction we get when we share ourselves with the wrong (I call them unsafe and/or uninformed) people. That's why I think it is so important for you, since you are feeling this bad, to get with people that understand what you are going through and that can help you feel "ok" about how you are feeling.

Now get out of bed, and put one foot in front of the other ... and it may just lead you to all of the answers you are looking for ... and to that oh sowonderful emotion called happiness that you are seaking! Or, you can stay in bed all day and stay exactly where you are at ... feeling crummy, hating yourself, hating life, not being the happy mom your sweet little girl wants and needs right now?

Whataya say? Are we getting up and moving on with life?? If I could, I'd walk with you in real time, so your going to have to use a little of your imagination right now ... I'm pulling the blinds open for you ... now I'm opening the windows. Look at that beautiful sunshine. Smell that fresh air! Ahhhhh! And listen to all those birds chirping outside. They want you out there with them, so get on up and get out there! ... =) ... Don't let life pass you by ... it truly does have so many beautiful things to offer if you let the beauty in!

April 19, 2005
12:24 pm
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revelation
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Hey hey, you are not selfish. Please remember you are sick, you are trying to survive...depression is an illness, its like flu....you don't treat it, then it gets worse. U have to try and think like this, because u will find that after you get over this peak u will need to take special care of yourself for a while, just like when u are getting over a really bad virus. I know that pain and I know that its all around you and all you can feel. That nice kind doctor of mine offered some anti-depressents but I didn't take them and now I am glad, because I would hate to get dependent on them to make me happy. But, I know that sometimes they are whats needed. So, if you think they will help to get you over this particular phase then get them, but remember its only temporary, you will need to talk to someone. Is there a hospital near by? Even a school? If you were at home and having a heart-attack wouldn't u do anything to help yourself? Yes...so thats what you have to do now...the way you are feeling now is not being caused by you...the way you are feeling now is not you...its caused by depression, depression is not you, depression is an illness, people who have not got half your strength have fought against it and so can you.
If you can't fight this for you...do it for your daughter, c'mon don't let it get you chick...the world needs people like you.
Saying prayers for you to St Jude, patron saint of lost causes and my favourite saint, he will help, he always does. I am also praying to my Nana and John Lennon, who are not saints but they are people I always pray to when I need some help, they will help you now too.

April 19, 2005
12:44 pm
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exoticflower
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I'm out of bed. I took a shower. I even SMILED a little (the opening the shades, thanks angel).

I'm going to my bf work, and we're going to look for a councelor togeather, I don't really have the strength to look alone, and dont usually stay away from my little girl this long.

So, I'm starting. I'll make sure everyone knows I'm ok. I don't know if I am right now, but I will be and I have to be. Thank you all so much, this is scary, but it's true, there's a reason I feel like this and it's time to take myself back before this kills me. Very scary, you know? but nessacary, I do understand that. Thank you all.

April 19, 2005
12:46 pm
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angel4U
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RE: "i'm just not able to give her what she needs today. I feel like the most selfish woman alive, all i can feel is my own pain, and then I hate myself and its always about me."

It's ok to be selfish sometimes. Sometimes we simply can't give to others unless we are ok with ourselves, and you need to take care of you right now, ef. And that's ok. Be grateful that you have others right now that are willing to help lift a little of the load from you so that you can focus on you and on getting better, something I am sure you are not used to.

I like the analagy of depression and having a medical problem that needed attention ... what would you do if you had a really bad cold? or better yet, if your baby had a really bad cold? Or if you broke your arm. You would go to the doctor and ask for help, right? There really is no difference, except for some reason when we have emotional stuff going on, we allow ourselves to think that we are bad and should just handle it all ourselves, or that noone would understand and be able to make it go away. There are people out there that can though, but they can't help you if you don't let them know you have a problem ... just like the doctors can't begin to work on fixing your broken arm if you don't tell them it's broken.

Reach out, ef! You are not bad, just having soem emotional hurts that need healing! ... And please know that no matter how much you may ask, God will NEVER hate you! He loves you, kiddo!

(((((((((((((((ef)))))))))))))))

April 19, 2005
12:48 pm
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angel4U
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((((((BIG SMILES)))))))

I knew you could do it, ef! I will be thinking of you!! ... =))

April 19, 2005
12:52 pm
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mamacinnamon
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GOOD FOR YOU!! I knew you could get up if you tried. Now that you've made the first step; please keep putting one foot in front of the other. The hardest part is over. Everything from here is nothin but healing for you. šŸ™‚

April 19, 2005
12:55 pm
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angel4U
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btw - Before I posted that one post starting with "RE:", I was going to write "hmmm, is that a smile I see on your face?" ... =)) ...

Your an inspiration to many today, ef!, me included. Kind of like "If she can do it, so can I" ... =))

((((ef)))))

April 19, 2005
1:02 pm
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2bstrong
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EF:

WOOHOO!

Welcome back....

April 19, 2005
1:05 pm
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Desert Moon
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Keep it up exoticflower.

You are in a better spot than me. All I have been doing is posting on these threads and sending emails to my ex. I skipped class, havn't done any studying. I am a mess.

Way to go, you are getting there!!!

Now I can use you as inspiration!

April 19, 2005
1:56 pm
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CODA_Mom
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ef,

Keep going, girl, don't look back. I think that maybe you got to the "worst", and now things will get better.

Praying for you,

CM

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