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Suicide and me
March 16, 2009
4:41 am
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cpt1212
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I don't mean to be dramatic, but suicide has been in my thoughts lately - recently a member of my family tried to commit suicide and has been hospitalized. Now before you send your condolences just know that this was just another in a long long list of family to attempt. If it wasn't so taboo - it would be a joke. This particular person though, I just didn't see it coming. So just the idea and the family history has been on my mind. I have struggled with depression since I was a teenager, but have not thought of suiced in many many years. When I was a teen and in my early 20s. I considered it, wrote poems about, played it out in my head and held a knife to my wrists. Until my mid 20s I fought a strong compulsion to drive into a tree or a wall whenever I was driving. But since then I have struggled with your garden variety major depression. I am in counseling with a therapist I trust and feel comfortable with. And for the past few months I have felt better than I have in years and have made grate changes in my life - I had forgotten how it feels outside the "bell jar". But the past couple weeks I have been slipping and the past week has been difficult and last night I had to call a suicide prevention line. I had a plan. Tonight I opened a bottle of wine and am posting here. I moved up my therapy appt to tues of this week (I had been doing so well we moved to 2 weeks). I just can't keep falling into this hole and crawling back out - I don't think I have it in me

March 16, 2009
5:35 am
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cpt1212-

If I have only a few minutes this morning, I feel I must post to your thread.

You say you don't have it in you. I know what it's like. But you DO. You just FEEL that way. Please, no matter how dire the circumstances, no matter what depths your despair has brought you to, please find some mechanism to buy yourself some time in those moments, hours, days when you feel you can no longer hang on... because no matter how close you feel you are to letting go... there is still that much longer that you can wait... until the impulse to harm yourself passes.

It IS an impulse, no matter how long and calculating we plot it out... trust me, I've come back from some pretty severe attempts to know... and not just believe... it's something you may regret... if not too late... I don't want to go graphic into particulars since you have lost people as well as suffering yourself, but I feel you have more to get out of life- and this is someone with the same struggle right now. I am not speaking lightly.

It is great you are posting here, but I'm sure you know, alcohol is a depressant... in fact in ALL my attempts I was drinking (except for the first when I was a child). I don't know what comes first in alcoholism, depression or drinking, but as far as suicide- there were more than one occasion, when I woke up with that being the furthest thing from my mind, and ended the day in the emergency room at my own hands after drinking.

Please, find something else to comfort you. Talking is great, I know suicide hot lines seem like a last resort and you may tire of them- but that's exactly what they are for. Those people help you talk it out- maybe they don't always come up with any solutions for you, but they spend the time until you can get to the next moment- a moment when you can consider NOT hurting yourself. If you don't like one hot line, try another.

Also, I do not know how you feel about 12 steps. But some people find others they can call in a bind. I do not know what program you would be comfortable in if any... but having someone to talk to makes a world of difference- even if they aren't meant to be your best friend for life.

You must have posted this late, I know because I've been up late all week and sleeping during the day. This is not a good schedule for me, I don't know about you, but I'm guessing you don't feel any better in the wee hours then you do during the day at best. More sun is better, even if you are indoors. I don't know where you live, but where I live, it is a very cold and long winter. That also doesn't help.

Please find something to get you through those moments, if it means spending money on your favorite dvd to watch over and over, or searching youtube for funny videos (I could send you some links here to animal videos I have liked if I can find them), or sorting through a collection of a kind, cleaning, listening to music, anything that distracts you enough... that takes you out of your mind... even for a few minutes, an hour...

Some of those are the things I have done... in the past 7 years I have not have an attempt, although I have had urges. Maybe those thoughts don't go away... but I'll tell you something weird that did happen is for the first time in my life, even when I feel suicidal, I am afraid of dying at the same time- ironic, but hopeful that things will change. Maybe it's baby steps like everything else... maybe the longer you hold on Cpt1212, the longer you will want to live... you will gain things you don't want to let go of, things you won't have to let go of anytime soon.

I will check back with you.

Much care and concern,
ella

March 16, 2009
5:51 am
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cpt1212
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Mzrella - it means so much to me you posted I know u have had some dark days ur self - how though, do u keep pulling ur self out? I don't know if I have the strength to keep pulling myself out - imagine a lifetime of it

March 16, 2009
5:55 am
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Mzrella - it means so much to me you posted I know u have had some dark days ur self - how though, do u keep pulling ur self out? I don't know if I have the strength to keep pulling myself out - imagine a lifetime of it

March 16, 2009
6:21 am
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Hey there,

Yeah, there doesn't have to be too much imagining on my part to understand how much you hurt- not that I am invalidating your pain, because it is immeasurable, only saying, I've hurt for as long as I can remember. I have been depressed since childhood. There were good times, and then there's what I remember well. In the healthy mind, the good times would stand out I guess. I don't want them to fade to nothing, but the older I get... the more they become like stories.

Have you seen the movie "Blade Runner?" I feel like a replicant when I think of my childhood, it just doesn't seem real or that it belongs to me. It seems like implants.

I'm actually shivering because it is cold in my apartment and I am overtired. But I am glad that you are there and got my message.

Soon I have to sleep, but briefly...

How do I keep pulling myself out? I haven't. For a long time, I was incapable. I was rescued a lot. I was cared for a lot. Up until I got clean I was hospitalized so many times, I am bipolar so those feelings are almost a fact of life- especially since I am mostly a depressive- no euphoria for me. When I was younger, I didn't always take my meds, and I had a lot of substance abuse to self medicate. Finally, I got treatment and am 7 years clean which helps A LOT to keep me from going over the edge, also now I have been compliant with my meds for the same amount of time.

Antidepressants don't work for me, I've tried some with disastrous results, so I stay with just my depakote and get monitored by a Psychiatrist. My doctor is not great, but I need that medication- it does work for me to keep me from spiraling out of control. I can't get out of bed without it.

Other things that helped were pushing myself, even though I did not want a career, I went to school and got one that helps me support myself and that was something I never thought I could do. There are things that would make me happier and I am workng to reintroduce them into my life, like exercise and art. It's hard now because when I got clean, there was a lot of drama before hand and I had to move and I stopped contact with a lot of people. The last person I dropped was my ex boyfriend. I'm still struggling with that, but I have not spoken to him or seen him in three years. I responded to him via email recently, which I posted about here, and that was a mistake I am dealing with. AAC helped me get out of that relationship.

AAC has helped me with other things too. I've had long absences from this site, but when I need it, it's here. Some of the same people for years are here, as you know! So this site has helped when my off line life is empty of support.

Also, I have a great therapist, who unfortunately will be retiring.

My dog is my baby, she is my heart. I have only a few friends, none of them really reliable, so that is an issue. It has been hard for me to make new friends for the first time in my life... so coping with that has been difficult.

I just try to give myself reasons to live, moment by moment... second by second sometimes... I SPOIL MYSELF ROTTEN (in a good healthy way) and I hope you can do that too. You deserve more than wanting NOTHING for yourself. I can't talk about certain things here, I don't want to break guidelines, and I don't know you- but I'm fairly certain you do not deserve the fate that you wish upon yourself in your darkest days. You deserve good things.

Well, that wasn't as brief as I intended... but I do want you to feel that even if your problems are different than mine, you might find a better way some day too...

Please keep posting.

I will check tomorrow and drop you a line.

be well,
ella

March 16, 2009
6:37 am
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cpt1212
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Oh, ella. Maybe ur pain has hit too close too close to home in the past. How do u find the strength over and over to climb back out again?

March 16, 2009
6:43 am
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cpt1212,

You may have Borderline Personality Disorder running in your family. Have you been taking anything for depression? If not, you need to go see a physician and get some meds to deal with your depression.

Here are the symptoms of BPD, and they are treatable:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation

3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, religious addiction, gambling, reckless driving, binge eating, etc.)

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness

8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

If you have these symptoms, they are treatable. You can stop the cycle of suicide in your family line beginning with you.

I wish you the very best. Please hang in there!!

March 16, 2009
6:48 am
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cpt1212
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Ella thank u for caring.

March 16, 2009
6:59 am
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I'm sorry if I sounded cold or uncaring. I am new here. My heart goes out to you cpt1212. I know what that kind of depression is like. I am just trying to find ways to deal with it too.

March 16, 2009
7:02 am
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Here is what works for me: If I can realize that my sadness, grief, and emptiness is something that was scarred into my soul at a young age, I can separate it from my present reality. But som many times it is hard to separate the two. The impact of the emptiness feels too deep... but remember... it's not from today... you did nothing wrong to deserve it.... you are a good person. You can find others like me who can help you make it through.

My heart aches for you cpt1212.

March 16, 2009
7:54 am
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[email protected]?;nb [email protected]!? I hate this. My mom tried to make me perfect physically and ofcouse I rebnelled physically [email protected]*"? I hate this it is difficult

March 16, 2009
9:03 am
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I am getting ready to start a new thread. Suicide is not the answer it is the end. Nothing is that bad, things always get better. Please if you feel that bad reach out to someone, go knock on someones door. Let them know you are feeling that bad. I wish I would have had that chance. It would have changed what I am going through today. Get the help you need whatever it takes.

March 16, 2009
9:27 am
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cpt1212

I've struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts since I was 10 years old. I am 33.

4 years ago I swallowed 70 sleeping pills, and 50 advil. I went to the psych hospital for 8 days.

Since then, I have felt much, much better, and I have not seriously contemplated suicide. I am not on antidepressants, although I was for a while. I learned in the hospital about how to prevent myself from getting that way again.

In the hospital we got a list of 100's of things that you can do to feel better for even just 15 minutes. On the list were things that were free, and low cost and also things that cost money. We checked off the ones we liked.

I learned that every person needs a support network. You need lots of people and things so that they form like a safety net for you. If you only have one, you will fall if that fails. So it is best to have many. This site is one of them. There will be lots of little ones too, that are easy to create. You can join a social club, a support group. These things all work together to support you, and none is leaned on too heavily. Friendship is here and so is family. If you are lucky you have a few friends and supportive family members. If not, don't worry, just join some groups, do things that interest you and that will come in time.

When I was discharged, I made a list of things that trigger my depression and urge to commit suicide. I made a list of 3 people I could call if I felt the urge. I signed a contract that promised I would go to the hospital if I couldn't control the urge, instead of acting on it.

So far, I've been doing great, even though I went through a break up and suffered abuse which are both triggers for me. If it gets unbearable again for me, I know that I can go to the hospital. That it is a safe place, and I got help there.

March 16, 2009
3:38 pm
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((((cpt1212,)))))

You know, suicide is a PERMANANT solution to a temporary situation.

I mean, permanant.

No 'do-over'.

Of course, it doesn't help to know that we live in a society that STILL does not validate mental illness to any particular validating degree AT ALL!!!!!

If we are in a wheelchair or are hopping along on crutches or with any other part of us in a cast - well then, no explanation needed - right?

Pretty self-explanatory.

Not so the case with mental illness yet, sadly.

Though hopefully, this is starting to change.......

Hang in there, we feel you. We acknowledge your pain 110%!!!!!

March 16, 2009
5:30 pm
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Thank you everyone for posting and caring enough to post. I just don't know why now - after a really good few months - it is becoming so difficult again and not just difficult but why at night it seems so dire and suicide seems like an option

March 16, 2009
6:29 pm
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cpt1212-

Night is the worst time for anxiety and depression. How do you feel during the days? Any different?

-ella

March 16, 2009
6:37 pm
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Every movement hurts I ache it is painful to talk

March 17, 2009
12:33 am
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(((cpt1212)))-

Do you mean that it is painful physically as well as emotionally? I am sorry to see that you seem to feel even worse...

Please lie down, relax, perhaps listen to something that distracts or makes you feel better... or watch some mindless tv...

I am going to take a shower... I am exhausted because I've not been sleeping at night, daytime sleep is not the same. But when I am out of the shower I will check back with you, okay?

I know it's hard... I am having a hard time too.

-ella

March 17, 2009
12:44 am
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No not physically painful, but an ache inside me

I'm going to see my therapist in the morning - I don't know how much to tell her about my present trouble - I don't want to be hospitalized

March 17, 2009
1:34 am
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Cpt1212-

Well, I understand that you do not want to be hospitalized. Is there anyone who can care for you though? I think you need to be honest with your therapist, and even if she wants you to go in to hospital for observation... it might just be over one night. They might give you something to make you feel better, and set up more frequent visits with your therapist.

You have to do what you need to do to take care of yourself. It is like your mind just needing rest and to be nurtured.

March 17, 2009
2:04 am
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Thanks, I just have never been hospitalized and it is a scary thought. I probably have some misconceptions about it

March 17, 2009
2:15 am
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Mzrella - I know u have struggled with depression as I have and I wonder if you have ever thought - is it just going to be a lifetime of falling into the blackness of depression and then crawling back out and falling again and so on. . .

March 17, 2009
2:21 am
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These days, you are not kept as long as in the past when you are hospitalized.

Yes, I do think in my case, it will be a lifetime struggle because I have a disorder that doesn't just get "cured" but there is treatment. Hopefully, I will get better and better at coping with it- and I think I have to a degree, and that will bring more bright spots into my life. I don't expect it will ever be easy. It's like wrestling an invisible monster, and sometimes you feel like since you can't see it... it's not there and the struggle isn't real... but the pain is. Hard to explain. Even harder to explain to people who haven't been there.

March 17, 2009
2:23 am
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Notice: We are both up late again!

Very bad for us! It always gets worse at night. At the same time, being depressed makes it hard to face the day... so you want to retreat into a world that is more quiet (night)... but it doesn't help the depression biochemically or lifestyle wise.

Please see if you can get some sleep. I'm going to try. Can you at least promise me you will not hurt yourself for tonight?

March 17, 2009
2:37 am
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Thanks I will get some sleep and hope you do too. I'm not great but not in the place I have been for the past couple of nights - so nothing to worry about. Thanks again and sweet dreams

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