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SUICIDAL THOUGHTS-PLEASE HELP ME
August 7, 2001
12:25 am
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cupcakes2u
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Hello.Recently I was totally beaten up by my brother.I spent 5 hours driving to my parents house to help them move,they are 78 and 79 years old.My Mom has early signs of alzheimers and my dad is very under weight and suffering with kidney infections.I arrived at their old trailor to see nothing packed,went to their NEW placeand it was left a total mess.I had less than 20 hours to pull it all together and I did with ZERO help from anyone.Im not looking for a trophy,just so happy I could find the strength to handle the situation.The Fourth day when all was done,I said to MOM,Lets go shopping and just enjoy life.We deserve it.The door bell rang,It was my Brother ordering me to go to the trailor and vacuum it.I said "No,today Im going to Enjoy , I think I have done enough.Then he got loud with me, I got loud back ,Mom told me to shut up,get out ,My brother held me down and my Mom punched me in the face.Needless to say I gathered my things and left.On the way home I started thinking I want to die.I am adopted and at this moment in my life my Mother clearly chose who is her child and who is out.I havent spoken since and it is tearing me up inside.It is eating at me.please help.

August 7, 2001
12:41 am
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katemc
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Cupcakes2u,
For starters, try to get the suicidal thoughts out of your head. I know it's difficult because I have been there. There is so much more to live for,and this will blow over. AS far as your family is concerned, all families have big blow out fights. Believe me, and it will pass. I have had fist fights with my mom and sister (my sister and I are in our late 20's) and yes, it eats at me. I feel that everyone always sides with her. But eventually, we just end up speaking again without mentioning a thing, or to end it , I apologize just to keep the peace. At least you know in your heart that you did everything possible to help your parents. Shouldn't that mean something? And, I am sure they realize it as well. Please try to hang in there!

August 7, 2001
4:32 am
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jennyp
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Cupcakes2

Obviously, your mother and brother are very abusive. I've been there. It is difficult to have those closest to you hurt you. If you cannot afford counseling from someone who understands physical/emotional abuse, I suugest reading, THE VERBALLY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP

August 7, 2001
4:42 am
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jennyp
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Sorry, I don't know what happened there. The book is by Patricia Evans. It will help you recognize abuse, deal with it, and how to rebuild your self esteem

You want to kill yourself because your self esteem and security have been attacked by your family. Reach out for support from healthy, loving people. They are out there.

As for suicidal thoughts, try antidepressants (a couple of weeks to work) and ask for a prescription of Ativan if you are having panic attacks over the situation.

In the meantime, stay calm. Relax and take care of yourself--sleep, take a bath, and do anything to distract yourself, even temporarily from your thoughts. Right now you feel extremely weak, but you will have "oases" of times when you feel stronger and better about yourself.

I agree with the other post, "this too shall pass". You do not need to accept your mother's and brother's behavior. Remember THEY HAVE THE PROBLEM, YOU DO NOT.

Lastly--PRAY--God is with the meek and brokenhearted. He'll give you the strength and peace to cope.

August 7, 2001
5:48 am
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Sammy
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Starters, you are a person and you should not let anyone else hit you. Regardless of how they are related to you and what they perceive you have done to you. Secondly, you are about mid-age and have a life of your own. You live 5 hours away from your family and that is probably not far enough. I know it sounds harsh but you should try and minimise the time you spend with your family or at least ask yourself does physical violence happen offen? If it does happen offen, then you have to stop being the victim. You are great and don't need to escape them or escape this world by killing yourself. Also regardless of the physical violence, it is evident that you experience emotion abuse from your family and a detachment from them whether preceived or real as a result of being adopted. This is not good and will do no good for your health (especially killing yourself). It is honourable to look after your aging parents but if they show no respect to you, then it does not make your a bad daughter to not want to help them no longer. Remember that it is not you with the problem and that you are a nice and wonderful person.

August 7, 2001
2:32 pm
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Cici
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OK, granted all these people have relevent viewpoints, but if your mother is truely suffering from early-stage Alzheimer's, I wouldn't necessarily judge her behavior unless this is part of a pattern. Senile dementia for the most part causes extreme confusion and aggression, sometimes even psychotic behavior. So...her actions may not have been motivated by anything you did specifically. Just a thought.

Your brother's behavior, on the other hand, was totally not called for.

August 7, 2001
3:08 pm
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cupcakes2u
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Hello all you wonderful people.Thank you soooooooo much.You all are right!I need to get over it and turn the page.I have so much to live for and why should I harm myself?That was pretty stupid.I just never got over the baggage of being adopted and have longed for my birth mom all of my life and when this mom rejected me like she did for her own biological son,my mind was blown.I am only 30 so not quite mid-age yet,they were quite older when they got me.Well I bought some St. Johns Wort anti-depressents to help me today so I should be feeling better.I did work my butt off and recieved NO appreciation just abuse but God knows what I did.Hugs to all and Thank you for caring! Cupcakes2u!!!!!

August 7, 2001
6:15 pm
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janes
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Yes....God does know what you did...Cici is right.....Alzheimers and senile dementia may make your mom not responsible.....

Your brother...regardless of adoption...is still your brother and a family member and what he did was wrong.

I am a birth mom and my adopted child and I have a good relationship but....not all reunions turn out like this...many do not go right.

Take that birth mom off that pedestal...trust me...you were adopted bucasue the responsible parties were not necessarily responsible....

If you were held down then the choice of being hit was taken from you.

Be powerful in YOUR SELF...

Regardless of which boy the elderly parents choose now when you were a kid they choose you...that counts for something. It doesn't mean you have to visit or be responsible for them just...aware that they were at least there when you were young.

Now you are a man and you must act like a man...doesn't mean don't cry or grieve....maybe it means forgive , live and let live and
have a great life ...in spite of...

Good luck

August 7, 2001
8:13 pm
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silence
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Yeah, Kinda sucks when you want to kill yourself... and succeed. I thought I was suicidal once, but didn't go through with it because I was too afraid to die. Then a few years later I became truly suicidal and wanted to die. I'll never forget that sickness in the pit of my stomach when I became aware that I actually wanted to die. The strangest part was that there was nothing that set me off. Just a general depression that eventually poured over the edge. I did try to do myself in that night. I left no note, or said no last words. Fortunately my body is a bit larger than most and I was able to take that much medication at once. Made myself sick for a few weeks, but I lived. I'm still sort of searching for a reason why I did it, or even a reason of why I'm still here. I guess it's simpler to just coast through life until you see the big picture. I have to say, though, I hope I find that picture soon.

August 8, 2001
12:32 pm
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malaikau
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What a wonderful messege you send to others who feel suicidal! I love that you are able to come here, talk about what's on your mind, and communicate to others that despite these sometimes insurmountable obstacles, you make the choice not just to stay alive but to live. Thank you so very much for sharing your experience with everyone who visits this site. I hope you will keep coming back here to find support and to offer it.

Sincerely,

Mal

August 8, 2001
3:45 pm
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cupcakes2u
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Hi...Again,Thanks everyone.I am a woman just to let the lady know I am female.I feel so much stronger and better now.Gosh,This is such a wonderful web page and to know everyone is out there to help is just so WONDERFUL.I told a friend about this today and hopefully she will be writing in.You guys are great,Just speaking up and hereing other views and opionions on my situation has helped me enormously!!!!No calls from my Mom yet ,that still hurts butt maybe one day.Hugs again!!!! Cupcakes

August 13, 2001
7:47 pm
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gypsygirl
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What happens in therapy if you admit that you are suicidal?

August 26, 2001
10:37 pm
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Sal
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gypsygirl, you make a contract with your counselor, that if you are about to do anything you will call her first. If they don't feel like you're safe for yourself, they can hospitalize you for 72 hours.

Don't let any of that stop you from talking about it with your counselor. I've overdosed, threatened to overdose, said,"I dont' want to be alive anymore," and wasnt' hospitalized. It really helped to actually say it outloud to someone who could help me. That's what therapy is for.

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