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SUGGESTIONS PLEASE!!!!
January 6, 2001
9:45 pm
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TaeQT
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I am trying to start on this new beggining to a happy, healthy, and succesful life. Honestly just looking for more suggestions because I feel like what I am doing- working on right now- just isn't enough, I guess maybe I am not just yet satisfied with the results. Let me give you some background though.... I am 20 years old. During my childhood I was sexually abused by my older half brother and my father... My parents divorced when I was 4 yrs old.. my father didn't want to have anything to do with me until I was around 8 or 9. My mother neglected me as a child, basically I would cook for myself (if there was food in the house even) and do my own laundry at age 5. I had really good grades, all A's until I was a freshmen in H.S. I was moved from Cali to Alaska unwillingly and sent back from my mother and stepfathers care to my fathers care at age 15. I then began to drink and use drugs, I even used to cut myself... I spent so very long so angry at the world and not feeling as though I fit in (I am bi-racial and have always ALWAYS been teased). I can't name any member of my family that hasn't emotionally abused me or has ever been there for me... Anyways, I am now 20... I have ruined the best relationship I ever had due to my inablity to trust and lack of knowledge on how to be in a healthy relationship... I have had two suicide attempts... and it still drifts in and out of my thoughts these days... I am NOW in counseling as well as A/A (seeing as I am sadly an Alkie at the age of 20) I work full time at a prestigious company, I go to college full time (aspiring artist), and I do have a very colorful social life, I read many books, write in a journal, I do the whole outdoors things, and yet I just feel like there is more I could be doing... I kinda just feel left unsatisfied... does anyone have any suggestions??? I just want to feel better and more hopeful about everthing, I don't feel like any progress is being made... maybe I am just rambling about nothing and complaining for no reason????

January 7, 2001
11:47 am
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hazza
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it sounds to me like youa re making great progress!
maybe you just new a few years to pass for some of the pain to feel less raw?
you obvioulsy have a good head on your shoulders and you can understand your emotions pretty well, this will all be very useful to you.

a common thing that many neglegted children feel as they grow is what i call "fairytale syndrome" !
and this is just my laymens view on things so feel free to disguard it.
but many times when a child has no idea what real happiness is, but has onlyexperienced pain, they build up a big grand picture of perfection in their mind.
so often, as they grow, no relationship, job, social outing, friend or anything often really measures up to what they "imagined" sucess and happiness and contentment to be.
often they do seek more and more in search of this elusive fairytale of happiness, exploring the roads of drink and drugs and promisuity or for ever changing jobs or whatever.
it may be idea for you to spend some time thinking about your core expectations and assumptions on happiness and contentment issues.
are you maybe building your idea of happiness up into something so great that real life could never deliver?
this is just one small idea of many thoughts that you obvioulsy need to go through.
I wish you good luck with the concelling and AA and all the growth you are doing.
your desire to be happy and enjoy life is a great one. it is great to wish for these things, that is what motivates us to improve ourselves, but with all things moderation!
mkae sure it is not an unhealthy level of ambition in this way that is actually CAUSING disatisfaction in the long run.
I hope that you are doing councelling work on your terrible past to help you deal with that also.
it sounds to me that from a very disadvantaged background you have done so very well, I hope youa re proud of all you have achieved so far and wish you well with working on those parts that still need changing.
peace
Hazza

January 7, 2001
12:43 pm
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janes
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Are youneglecting your spiritual side?

So often we do feel empty ... You have great reason to excuse yourself and seek solace whereever you can.

The poeple you counted on to care for you let you down terribly. YOU cannot make up for that..no one and nothing can.

You have come so far and made such great strides!! How often do you congratulate your self and pat yourself on the back for being a survivor despite such great odds?

None of your time has been wasted if you share your experiences with others who may be as neglected as you were.

Find a way to give part of yourself to others. You have some incredible stories to share...from sorrow and abuse to success and a good life with continuing growth in your self. You could stop now and still be considered a great success story.

I find a lot of comfort from the Bible and God and Jesus and church. (some churches can be silly and unfriendly--churches are made up of humans remember.)

Perhaps you could do some volunteer work at a shelter for abused women and children, or a preschool, or an old folks home. It is said when we give we get back 100fold.

BUT Don't let the feeling of needing to do more mask an unwillingness to be at home alone with your SELF.

It sounds like your growth is coming fine. Relax.

Give your self time to learn and heal and be comfortable with you.

Keep us posted on how you are!!1
j-

January 7, 2001
6:49 pm
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Ima
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Sounds like you have the external all fixed up, and are taking responsibility for the inside. Have you really looked inside? It's kinda scary. Not just at the past, but at what emotions are there. How do you feel? What makes you feel _______? Fill in the blank with angry, happy, sad, desperate, and any other of the seven dwarfs:) Are you in counseling? What was the result of your suicide attempts?

I am so sorry you were not protected and cherished as a child. I am also sorry that you have been misunderstood and mocked all your life.

I like to think that dissatisfied feeling is a flashing light that there is more... waiting... I hope it finds you!

January 7, 2001
8:07 pm
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TaeQT
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hazza- I totally agree with you on the, " Fairytale Syndrome." I have had similar thoughts about the way I feel about everything... I notice about myself as well though, when things are going well- I am in a constant state of waiting for something bad to pop up or happen to me.... I am wondering if it is some sort of, "self fulfilling prophecy?"
j- as far as the spiritual... I have practiced Zen. I was brought up Catholic, but my sexual preference tends to automatically exclude me from certain elements of spirituality.... I will look into the volunteer work as well, something I hadn't thought of before- that I am I sure I would enjoy.... and I actually do spend quite a bit of time by myself, actually- a lot of quite time reading and writing.. painting... just even thinking and breathing sometimes.... I did read in a bood once- an excersize in getting to know and love yourself- is to sit quietly in one place- alone- for about 15 mins. to an hour- and reflect on positive things about yourself... and get a feel on you- just feel the emotions you have within you to love yourself...
Ima- I am in counseling (mainly about the issues I have w/ my childhood), A/A, and drug rehabiltion... as well as college and working (full time both)....

THANKS EVERYONE WHO TOOK THE TIME TO READ AND RESPOND TO ME... IT IS MUCH APPRECIATED!!!

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