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suggestions needed, as the end comes, what to say, do?
May 25, 2005
2:40 pm
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chickyfighter
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As I said b4, S is leaving in 1 week, I am thinking I don't want to cry, nor do I want to have to say anything b/c I have not reached full understanding of what I am ready to give, or take from all that we have done, and not done. This, far has been one of the most complex interactions I have ever had w/someone. I do know I care about him deeply, but I also know that he is not good for me the way he is presently, so therefore I am not willing to say I want to hold on to whatever we had, b/c my perception is that we had nothing solid, ever! I however don't want to burn any bridges, meaning I don't want to tell him more than what I already have shared w/him, no more opeing more to him...I want to know that he is well, but from afar, so him leaving is in reality not making me cry much, b/c it is the best. I need a break. The question is I know he'll call b4 he goes, even if it is the very last night he has here, what should I say to him? I don't think I want to go see him in SDweden as he suggested, but what if I change my mind in September? I don't really feel like having a discussion w/him, I just kind of wish he'd leave w/o saying anything that way I won't feel bad about it, and can put it on him that we never said "good-bye"...Am I weird? don't really understand myself when it comes to him, I hate that I have allowed someone to really not value me, but at the same time he has never lied to me, or boldly done anything to just hurt me...I guess maybe I am taking fulll responsibility for having allowed all of that, sex w/o committment, for 1 yr.I hate that he never asked me to be his girlfriend, or at least just something like exclusiveness w/o "relationship" The more I think about it, the more it makes me wonder how someone as strong/independent, and wonderful as me could allow such yuckiness in her life 'til the very end? If he was not leaving I wonder would I stay?

May 25, 2005
2:49 pm
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Anonymous
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I think sometimes it's hard to know what to say or do because nothing feels completely right and nothing feels completely wrong. I don't know if this is making any sense, but I hope it is.

I can tell you are thinking very hard about a lot of different facets of your relationship, and you seem to be looking into the future. I think it's good to plan ahead. Good to be prepared. At the same time, I think that getting too far ahead can give us too much to think about sometimes.

So, you don't have to answer this question for anyone but you, and I hope it helps...

What do you want to convey to him before he leaves? Or more accurately, what parts of your relationship with him would you hope he could carry with him as a blessing?

Love,

Ren'ai

May 25, 2005
2:52 pm
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kathygy
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chicky, I would let him go. AS you said you never had anything solid. Why do you think that would ever change? Are you hoping? Why are you even thinking about visiting him? I would just say that its a good thing he is leaving because I want a full relationship and you could not give that to me. I wish you luck in finding what you want. I am not interested in visiting you nor am I interested in hearing from you again.

May 31, 2005
12:51 pm
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chickyfighter
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Ren'ai, thanks for the reply, I do understand what you are saying. "what parts of your relationship with him would you hope he could carry with him as a blessing?"....only I think I left out the blessing part. (I'll explain) Kathygy, I am not hoping, that is just it. I know who he is, he never lied to me, and I am /was mad at myself b/c I allowed him to do hurtful things such as see other women and I chose to stay. I never rationalized anything w/him. At its best I have come to understand that the reason why I stayed w/him was no less than b/c I had the assurance that he would not want to get married I am comittment phobic after my marriage of 9 yrs. failed. I had bowed to never let anyone do what he did to me, and when S came along I allowed him to have his cake and eat it too, but being w/him kept me from having a relationship w/others who wanted marriage...I don't know if this makes sense...I just am glad that I can understand myself, as bad as it sounds. He served a purpose in other words, granted it hurts and granted my ego was crushed one too may times and I ended up falling in love, but I have also grown from this.
Going back to Ren'ai, he just moved in to his new home this week. I came over and I did not wnat to come b/c I knew I would either shut down and not say anything at w/substance, or I would say alot, and I was scared to be intimate w/him, b/c I cannot do it well...We spent time still fixing his place up and after we went to dinner; then he had to do an assignment. (Kathy, here is where I know he is changing, & I know it is not "wishing". He is doing this not b/c I am wanting him to but he is growing up, on his own free will. The assignement is for his coach).
Part of why he is going overseas for his job is b/c he wanted to take on this leadershp course. It is a self growth course, it is not like most leadership courses I have taken or have heard of much. He has to soul search, and has a personal life coach to help him through the process... It is not one of those courses that teaches you to be a better business man or more asertive perse, but more in touch w/oneself. (by the way does anyone know how to become a coach like that?)He did not have to do this. I am one of the very first people to tell you I hate people who talk the talk and never walk the walk, yet he is very much a man of his word, (even when the truth hurts). I can tell he is growing as well by the little things he does, says, mostly the way he acts. I ended up crying (he has never seen me cry except maybe one tear once and I played it off as something in my eye). I told him I loved him and that I was not supposed to have fallen in love, and that I was so angry but I knew I would miss him, and that I am so hurt by alot of what he did, and how he was not fair, and how we lost so much time and how I played games w/him b/c I did not want to get caught up, and he made me share! ...now he is leaving etc...He listened and acknowledged what I had to say. It was so late I fell asleep, we did not talk anymore...he did say he did not expect me to be "good" while he was gone b/c of what he is not ready to give, and that he was not able to be here for so long that I had neeeds and could not expect me to do anything like that. I hated hearing that, but I knew all along I had nothing binding us...He also said he would be hurt if I was w/someone else while he was here though...(don't think I understaood that too well).He gave me a key to his new house while he is gone if I needed to go there for anything, or if he needed me to get something for him. (He is like me in that he does not trust people whis stuff)...well, I felt honored he did that way b4 our little talk...I felt good, he has begun to make love to me, and satisfy me as opposed to making it about him alot of times....I don't know why, but I see alot of growth...we have a crazy relationship, but I hate it only b/c he is leaving and I don't want to end it, we enjoy each other so much, we have fun together, we talk about everything now, we are both growing.I am glad he is going away for some time, but I want to be here when he does...Please be happy for me? if not I still want to hear all that advice, pointers, views, all of you have helped me alot. Thanks!

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