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sudden death of a mother
March 28, 2000
9:12 pm
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smokie
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How and where do you begin.
Is it fair to offload your questions, grief, guilt, anger on close family who are themselves going through the same trauma ?

March 29, 2000
4:38 am
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hazza
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Hi Smokie,
i am so sorry for yourloss, where to begin indeed.
I don't know if it is unfair to talk to your family about this, but they are also going through the grieving process too, sometimes, it can help as you can spend time grieving together, but also it can be difficult for someone to soothe you however justified that is when they are feeling such pain themselves.
Do you have any friends who are not so affected by the loss so that you can talk to them and they will be able to concentrate on how you are feeling? that can help. But nothing helps like talking to people who understand what that person meant to you, but you will have to do a fair share of supporting them as well as recieving support. If you are not yet at a place where you can give support for others yet, then that is okay, but it could make it difficult for others if they feel it isn't a 2 way street.

Each person who has been affected by the loss, will grieve at their own pace, you may find that some members of your family will e easy to talk to about it whilst with others it may be very difficult. it is important to share your feeling with all your family, but if you want to just talk to someone and concentrate on your own feelings then it can be really helpful too to talk to someone that is unconected, so that you can just focus on your own grief for a bit. both are very important.

I write this as the anniversary of a the death of a very close friend approaches so this is something that is one my mind, a few days ago was the anniversary of the death of my grandfather, who brought me up like a daughter. Even though some years have passed since their deaths now, I still grieve for them, but the raw pain you are feeling now, has passed for me. When i remember i feel sad sure, but i also remember things that make me smile, especially with my friend, he was so young it was tragic, but i can remember him and laugh now, i can talk to friends about him and as a group we remember him and smile, the raw pain is slowly replaced by happy memories that never leave you.

I remember with my grandfather the total pain of grief, if i could give you a hug i would! but please know that you can talk to us here, you can talk to all your family i am sure but bear in mind that they too are in pain right now, and you can talk to friends, coucellors ..so many people.
SOmetimes just having someone listen while you explode with anger can help. so please share if you feel it can help you. all those emotions you have right now are there for you to let out as part of the grieving process, so let them out. Cry, get mad, rage whatever you feel let is come out as it should do, and if you feel in any way guilty about that, then let it out with people not affected, then you can afford to be selfish and think only of your own pain, which is a natural and normal way to feel.
Peace
Hazza

March 29, 2000
7:26 am
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janes
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Unfair? Maybe but they at least know where you are coming from. Your friends and acquaintances will not know how to respond to your grief for the most part...

Most of the work will be inside you. Lots of tears, regrets, anger etc.

It will take a very long time. This is normal.

As Hazza said...seek counselling...it will ehlp more tha nyou know.

So sorry ....Hope tings go okay for you

April 6, 2000
9:12 am
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hootie-hoo
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Family is not who you need to talk to. Talk to a counselor who will just listen. I lost my mom 12 years ago. The pain of losing her is still there, just not as strong. My counselor helped me to understsnd not only how to heal but to get a better understanding of who I am.... try it! Everyone experiences a different kind of pain so talking with a family member is not always as helpful until each one gets to a point of personal letting go. My sister did not suffer in the same way & I have talked to others who have experienced different feelings when it came to the death of a close family member or friend. As I said You need someone who will just listen!

April 17, 2000
12:44 am
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lew45
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Smokie, I lost my Dad on March the 7th after a long illness of cancer. He was so bad that I moved him and my Mom into our home . My Dad was bedfast and had to have 24 hr care so that was mostly me but my sister did come on weekends usually. The day after my dads funeral on March the 11 th she woke up and was sick which we thought she just had the flue. She was diabetic so I told my sister[ which was still at my house] maybe we should take her in to the er by the time we got their she couldn't even talk. I will never for as long as I live forget when the nusre came out and said your Mom has an infection and I don't think shes going to make it.It was like a nightmare and i wanted to wake up. I was devistated and angry at myself, then God, My aunt, whoever I could be mad at I was. Anyway what helped me the most is I went to breavment group through Hospice. You can go whether you've had Hospice or not. I thought at first they were crazy when they said to tell your story over and over but its been two years now and it still helps to talk about it with people who have been their and know what your going through. So talk about it hear or to a councler , or a group. I'm so sorry about your Mom.

April 17, 2000
2:47 pm
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infaith
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My relationship with my mother has been mostly filled with pain and anger.
We are slowly rebuilding, a lot of issues are there, but we are both consciously remaining as respectful and positive as possible, myself more so, but my mom doesnt have a lot of time left, shes getting on, so I am giving her a lot of lee way.
I am also really coming into the power of forgiveness in my life, it truly works miracles on the mind and soul.
I have two other siblibings, they basically choose to abandon my mother, but i, the oldest, feel a certain responsibility although I received the brunt of the dysfunction as a child.
Ironic isnt it.
I can also say I am happier, more peaceful and more focused in my lives than them. They are purely narcisscisstic which is fine, for them, but is it really?
I know, my perceptions of my mother and their individual ones, are truly unique. We all have unique relationships with our parents, something that no other sibling can truly understand.
Just as two friends may derive different relationships from the same one friend, it is the same for parents.
It is imp to honor our parents, no matter what, well I guess there are exceptions, one example comes to mind where a child was locked in a closet by her parents and abused untill she was ten...god, what a horror.
Although, even she, found the power of forgiveness, thank god.
But she chooses never to have a relationship with them again.
What I am trying to express, is that YOUR relationsihp with your mom, god rest her soul, was unique and special to you, only YOU can define and feel the way you do about her. Journal, talk ( non family if necessary ) and make tributes to her life, for she, my dear, will ALWAYS BE WITH YOU, there is no such things as the cessation of life, only transition.
Blessings

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