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Such a "true friend"
December 10, 2001
10:20 am
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pg lova
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There was this dude that I was good friends with. We were both in the same support group, trying to figure out how to sustain healthy relationships. Anyway, we ended up becoming good friends. I introduced him to my fraternity & he pledged. Now that he's gotten in, he seems to forget who his true friends are. He seems to brush me off, and never wants to just hang out anymore. I am having a Christmas party this coming weekend and I am darn sure not inviting him. I invite him sometimes (not all the time) when I go out yet he just goes out & never bothers to ask me if I want to go or not. I wanna know this though, who was the one that helped him get through it when his father beat the hell outta him? Who was the one that helped him out when his life was going nowhere fast? Who helped him to deal with the abuse & then come to the point where he could move on in his life? The answer to all of these is me, pg lova. My other friends are telling me to forget about him, just act like he never existed. I am here writing about my problem w/ that. Anytime a friend does me wrong, I always try going to extreme measures not to lose the friendship. Why is that? Shouldn't I just be like to hell w/ all those idiots? I don't know how to go about that though.

December 10, 2001
11:23 am
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deshong
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Sounds like you are angry about being rejected. That's hard for anyone. Just don't have your self worth wrapped up in their opinion about you.

Also, check your motives. Why do you do what you do for others. For approval, thanks, attention, etc? Sometimes if our motives are wrong we will get angry when we do not have our way. I am not saying that this is you. Just be a true friend to whomever you meet. By no means should you be a door mat. If someone does not appreciate your friendship then drop them. A friendship should be reciprocated. Stand strong and do not let others change who you are.

December 10, 2001
2:17 pm
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pg lova
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Hi Deshong,

Allow me to clarify why I did what I did. At the time, I was going through a bout of mild depression and I was in the same support group he was in. I sympathized with his situation & I felt that I could help him, especially since he was feeling real low (being that I had been where he was before & at times even lower). So, I decided to try being friends with him & showing him the good side to life, just as some friends of mine did when I was that down. Heck, if not for them showing me about how good life could actually be, I would probably have ended mine. I mean I never came from an abusive home, but there were other ways & places that I was abused too. Now, I revealed to him the reason for my constant struggle with depression (I was raped when I was young), and just like that he seemingly has turned his back on me. I didn't turn on him when his father was beating the hell outta him. It's not that his opinion defines me because it doesn't it's just that he was like my best friend, more like a brother. And being that I stood by him in his time of pain, I feel betrayed that he would desert me in mine.

December 10, 2001
3:10 pm
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Molly
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Every one processes things different. We should celebrate the opportunities that we have to give...
We should have boundry lines so as to not give to much, and we should always give with out expecting something in return. It is hard, but our lessons in co-dependency. Perhaps, he still needs to fill some more before he has anything to give ?
Keep a loving heart. I am sure your good deeds are recorded and what goes around does come around, some times we just don't get it from where we think we should, but we are not in controll are we. Perhaps one day, your friend may surprise you, he just isn't on YOUR schedule.

December 10, 2001
7:50 pm
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pg lova
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You're right Molly,

My problem though lies more in my expectations than anything else. When I do things 4 some1, all I expect in return is their friendship, that's all I ever asked. But it seems like I give too much to make sure that they will remain my friends. When in actuality, I am picking up deadbeats who were never really my friends from the start, but just depended on me for their selfish needs. Then, when they withdraw their friendship, I start going to extreme measures to keep the friendship, the worst thing is just doing any and everything that they say. I really have a problem with co-dependence. Then, the "friend" begins to see the co-dependent behavior & use it to his/her advantage (ie making very unreasonable requests of me, disrespecting me anytime it makes them "feel good", etc.) My only aim now is to get rid of this co-dependent behavior. How do I do that?

December 10, 2001
8:46 pm
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Molly
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Practice makes perfect, put the tounge behind your front teeth, make noise from the back of the throat, and as the noise comes out, form a circle with your lips. nuuuuuuuuuuuuuooooooooo. Soon it sounds just like no, it simply requires practice. When I realized how empty I was all that disappointment, some anger, hurt, yada yada, I started realizing how happy selfish people appeared to be, and I thought to my self, ya know maybe they know something I don't, so I started to become more I focused. I cooked what I wanted for dinner, I bought my favorite snackfoods, I only cleaned my bathroom, I rented the movies I wanted to watch, I even started to come home say a half hour late with out calling everyone, I felt so grown up!!!! No one even noticed har har har..... But I felt better, like not wounded, like not injured,and no longer needing, because I took care of me now, I guess a real change of attitude. I learned that people don't do it to me, they just do it, and got it , that it can't happen if I don't let it. I realized it was me all along. It started in my childhood, trying to make mom happy, but didn't achieve it till we both grew up, and all that I did, all that I cared, well, I did alot of really good things for people, and I am really complete with that, its just that now I do for people what I want to do when I want to do it, and I do it for me, more than them. I feel good about me, being who I am, being the I guess giver, but now when I give, I don't have expectations.
So, common, nooooooooooooooooooooo, try it.

December 10, 2001
10:48 pm
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pg lova
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Thanks Grandma . . . (smile) that's exactly what my Grandma tells me all the time. And you are absolutely right Molly, that's exactly what I need to do. He is in for such a rude awakening. No longer will I succumb to his whim or any1 else's for that matter. He was not very polite to me on many circumstances. He yelled at me at my cookout b/c he didn't like a joke I told. Now, I feel like oh the hell well, deal with it you stupid jerk! I invited him to my house for free food & that's what he did to me, that was very unkind on his part. Now, when I have this Christmas party sunday, he is not on the list of invites. My friend/co-worker/classmate & I are having this party 2 celebrate our promotion on our job . . . (smile) I feel he'd just wreck my whole time there. Now, anytime, my family & friends come he wants to be there, when it's just me he wants nothing 2 do with me, so my answer to his question of can he come to LA with me and my family this summer is not just no but hellllllllllllllll noooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!1 I just would have a better time without him being there. And I plan to tell him just this. How is that for a start?

December 11, 2001
12:02 pm
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Molly
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I think about that whole armageddon thing, and think how loosly all translation is, and try to keep remembering to reach for the light, to be lighter, and well that is real loose, but it starts in our hearts and heads, as long as we, can control our selves, we will survive, period.
We can't controll the evil in others, we can learn to see it, and avoid it, people are very strange creatures, that damn free will thing. We can do unto others as we would have them do unto us, and we can forgive them their tresspasses, and then stay the hell away. We can be good people, do our best, and then realize the snakes from the scorpians, and doves. Then continue on our path. Rage, pain, hurt, fear, resentment, anger, does not serve us in any way, and personally I have come to believe that those emotions do indeed, cause dis-ease. We have the power to recognize those feelings, and then let them go, through the tools provided, if we remember to use them. It has become to much easier for me, to let their Karma work for them rather than me force any issues or agendas that I have. So when the shit hits my fan, some times its easier than others, I have learned to let it go. Practice makes perfect.

December 11, 2001
10:48 pm
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pg lova
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Hey,

Thanks all. I am slowly starting to realize everything that has been mentioned 2 me. I guess my codependency stems from my constant deprivation of love growing up (not a lot of friends, always teased by classmates, always hurt by even my own siblings, etc.) Now I guess I am trying to get back the time that I lost but now i realize that it just can't happen. No matter how hard I try to erase it, the fact that something happened can not be changed. Now it's up to me to accept it. I am looking 4 a codependence support group as I endeavor to work through this problem. I am reminded of a great speaker who once said a simple phrase in which each word had just 2 letters. This phrase applies to my healing as well

"If it is to be, it is up to me!"

December 12, 2001
2:06 pm
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Molly
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Breakthroughs usually come right after breakdowns, and by George, I thinks youz gots it. Great mantra, if its to be, its up to me, and that is the truth. Just for the sake of humor, I often remind my self, when I have that DUH moment, where ever you go there you are!!!! Usually after stood up for appointments, or disappointments, remember too, don't take anything personal, it didn't necessarily happen to you, it just happened. those child hood lessons, all that pain and what not, is part of who you are to day, just another miracle, a unique individual too I might add.

December 12, 2001
7:13 pm
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pg lova
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Hey all,

I've been doing some thinking & I have come to the conclusion that it is not me at all who has the problem. EVer since I have known him, he has done things like blow up & go off over something that is not very serious (ie he didn't like a joke I told), or when he threw the deck of cards just b/c another card player had made a mistake (when I have my friends over on Fri. night) and many other times. So now, the healthy conclusion I have drawn is that I did have a problem and my crime is more my inability to choose decent friends whereas HE is the one w/ the problem. Thanks, Molly, Blondie, and Deshong 4 being here 4 me.

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