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Substance Abuse
October 1, 1999
7:30 pm
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Cici
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I thought for a while that because I had fallen back into the traps I had made for myself that I wasn't going to get back out. I sat on my bed this morning and thought, "I don't give a f###. I really don't."

My birthday is Sunday. My mom told me not to come home. It hurt so bad I went out last night--it was free beer night at SB--I had one beer in my hand. I drank it. I said, I don't feel a thing. But I stopped from going back. Hell, now I just feel like a moron for paying $5.00 all you can drink for one friggin' bud ice. Ha ha. I don't know how I found it in myself to do it.

Helplessness. It's all over the place. My boyfriend was crying last night, for chrissake. He said, "I feel so out of control." He, who is always so controlled and commanding. I felt like such a hypocrite sitting there and holding him and telling him it would be ok and that I would take care of him. What the hell? I can't even take care of myself. My apartment looks like a crack den...mattress on the floor, bongs here and there, I even found some syringes from a while ago when i was on a heroine kick.

I want to have money again. Ha ha. I keep going over and over this as if it were my personal diary or whatever. Well, we all ahve a bit of a vouyer in us all, don't we?

October 1, 1999
9:41 pm
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VRJ
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Cici, no matter what you think, you are doing well. As Marisan said you have taken the very important step of realizing you are powerless. And, you are looking for help. And, you keep coming back. Follow the advice you've been given. I, myself, am addicted to gambling. I have lost a lot!!! of money. GA and the fellowship of people in the same boat has really helped. I am now 100 days away from the last time I placed a bet. That doesn't mean I'm cured or I don't feel like gambling, but I choose not to. It does mean that I now have to face the things and feelings I was running away from in gambling. And that's not easy, but necessary.
I pray for you. I'm sure many here do. Welcome back.

October 3, 1999
1:57 pm
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Anonymous
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Dear CICI
I am relieved to hear you back it made my day. You are great and i too feel like you are my little sister..
You are a sweet, intelligent, eloquent, bright light in this world and you can make it, i believe in you and so do many here. SC is right, if we all let our past dictate our future we would only be doing time on this planet not growing and maturing.
You have to let what you did go, set backs are normal in recovery and your boyfriend is part of the problem not the solution. If he really cares for you he would NOT offer you drugs.
He and you need to get into aa or na. A;lienating yourself will cause you to become depressed and want to self medicate. You need to be around sober people The best step is the aa group. AA has been the most successful recovery group for addicts as it utilizes the "higher power" or god. You will find this to be a major part of your recovery, and the love and friendship of others. Blessings Cici

October 4, 1999
8:31 am
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Cici
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My birthday was on Sunday You would think it would've beena pretty happy day. My boyfriend tried to make it fun. We hada party on Saturday night that did not involve drinking, so I thought that was a good idea. He gave me a lot of gifts as well, and my best friend took me out to dinner.

But....I called my mother and she refused to speak with me. My dog ran away from home (she came back last night, thank God)....I felt so crushed and out of it and I guess the drugs are still all in my system. Qualuudes are bad. They make you forget things. I forgot pretty much almost all of last week.

I also missed work three days last week. Monday, Wednesday, Friday. I'm surprised that I still have a job, because I also keep messing up. Like, it's little things that I do (I'm a secretary)...sometimes I forget to copy both sies of a document, I write down addresses and names wrong, &c. It's only a work study job anyway. But I don't understand. It's like I'm walking through the world in a haze or something. I forgot to pay my rent last Friday. And the payment for my car repairs. And my tuition. What's up?!

I feel pretty tired. I wish I could just go curl up in my bed and sleep and sleep and sleep.

October 4, 1999
4:21 pm
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Anonymous
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drugs are up, thats whats up, god cici get into an aa or na group girl.
Blessings

October 4, 1999
8:07 pm
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Anonymous
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Hey Cici, if i were in fact your big sis, I would come over right now and have some herbal tea and chat and chat and chat untill you fell asleep and then i would cover you with a blanket and leave you a card that told you how special you are. Hugs, your big sis Tears. lol

October 5, 1999
10:42 am
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Cici
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Ha ha Tears. 🙂

My parents confronted me last night. They acccused me of being a drug dealer, mainly because of my behvior and appearance changes and because my cell phone bill awas like $400.00. Ok. So they were kind of right. I ended up being the middle man for a lot of deals because of my boyfriend.

They are suing the outpatient drug therapy counselor who I saw in the Spring and now they want to send me to an inpatient drug thingy. I really really really don't want to go. I want to stay out here. I don't want to drop out of school. I don't want to leave my boyfriend. I don't want this. So I have a choice as far as they are concerned. They want me to either go into this program or I'm cut loose. I don't want to lose my family either. I don't know what I'm going to do. I want them to let me try to do this by myself. I know I'm strong enough to do it. I know I can. I might have relapsed a while ago but I'm trying again. Doesn't that count for anything? I hate ultimatums.

But I'm doing bad in school again. I said maybe it would be a good idea for me to join an NA or AA program and they said it wouldn't be enough because the last time I tried outpatient therapy it didn't work. I'm pretty much completely lost right now. I don't know where I'm going or who to look to for help or what I'm doing. I can't live out there on my own...

It's come to this now. I have to make a choice. I want to make the rightone, but I don't know what that is any more.

October 5, 1999
3:05 pm
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Anonymous
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CICI, IF ANYTHING ANYONE HAS SAID MEANS ANYTHING, THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEED, GO TO THE INPATIENT. NO ONE IS AN ISLAND SIS, NO ONE, YOU NEED TO LEARN TO DEPEND ON OTHERS AND ALSO FIND YOUR INNER STRENGTH. YOUR PARENTS DO CARE FOR YOU AND THIS IS PROBABLY WHAT I WOULD ALSO DO FOR MY CHILD IF SHE WERE IN YOUR SITUATION. YOUR LIFE IS WAY OUT OF CONTROL AND YOUR BOYFRIEND REALLY IS NO SUPPORT TO YOU RIGHT NOW.
YOU ARE A SMART GIRL WITH TONS OF POTENTIAL, SURRENDER TO THE FACT THAT THIS DRUG PROBLEM IS OUT OF CONTROL AND YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OTHER THAN TO RELEASE INTO THE HANDS OF EXPERIENCED DRUG COUNSELLORS, OTHER RECOVERING ADDICTS AND TO TAKE THIS TIME FOR YOU TO DISCOVER WHY YOU HAVE BEEN DOING THIS TO YOURSELF. FACE IT NOW OR END UP LIKE MY BROTHER
IF YOU CAN GET TO A COMPUTER WHILE YOU ARE INPATIENT PLEASE KEEP US INFORMED
WE CARE
HUGS AND BLESSINGS
PLEASE DO IT

October 5, 1999
8:23 pm
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VRJ
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YES, DO IT! And do it for you!

October 6, 1999
8:32 am
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Cici
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This page is a b**ch to load up now. I suppose it's for the best. I went and talked to my father yesterday. It wasn't like there were any tearful revelations or all encompassing acts of forgiveness. My mother is very angry and bitter, my father is sad and depressed. He used to be a severe alcoholic and is now very ill due to complications. I suppose it runs in the family.

My boyfriend told he he quit dealing. He sold all the rest of the luudes to another guy, got rid of his last shipment of pot yesterday at like 4am, and sold all 50 hits of X on Saturday. I checked out his closet safe to make sure everything was gone and he has agreed to go to NA meetings with me.

See, that's the compromise I made with the padres. I move back home and go to NA meetings every week, so I can stay in school because if I drop out now I'll have to re-enroll in the Spring and I don't know that my GPA is high enough for me to get back into the school.

I'm done fighting. I'm too tired.

Check this little communist injection out, though. I mean really think about it...

"Culture...is not the product of genuine demands - its driving force is the need to sell itself as a commodity [in the cultural realm under capitalism]. The products of cultural industires are divorced from art and become pure entertainment. Their purpose is to _divert, distract, and amuse people away from the alienation and drudgery_ imposed by capitalist work realtionshions."
- Sut Jhally in "Empire and Consumption"

Chew on that for a while, capitalists (ha ha ha) 🙂

Let me know if you understand what it means.

October 12, 1999
9:41 am
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hazza
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hi cici,
im so glad you are back. I also agree with everything tears and others have said, you do need help with this, but your attitude is so great. I think you are seeing this bullshit for what it really is, you can't go back now drugs will always be phoney now.
it is great that your parents are helping you, i think it will do you good to move back with them now, i had to do this myself, it is a little like growing up again, but doing it right.
Best of luck to you and keep us posted
Hazza

October 12, 1999
1:59 pm
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Anonymous
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What culture is there simply to distract people away from their shitty existance..having nothing to do with art..lol.whatever. I cant stand that capitalistic stuff.
I am glad you are going to n.a now but you need to be going there because YOU choose not because you aer forced. I am saddened to hear that it wasnt something you got your own butt into. I am glad about the b.f. he may be doing it also to please you andnot for his own self. Time will tell. Most imp pay attention to everything and dont fake it at n.a a lot of pepole are bearing their souls their and show great integrity. I am happy for you soulsis. Keep up the Great work!
Also your healing may be a catalyst for your parents own healing..blessings

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