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Substance Abuse
September 20, 1999
11:24 am
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hazza
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hi cici,
as you are finding it does get easier, i had literally 3 puffs on a joint about six months ago, and i felt so stoned for about half an hour. i hadn't smoked for about a year or more. it felt so horrible, i remember saying to my partner " i cant believe i used to pay money to feel like this" i havent been tempted since!
You are doing really well, this is the hardest time but you're getting through it day by day. Give yourself a pat on the back, even if you stick just to the pot from now on you are doing yourself a huge favour but the ultimate goal is to process those parts of you that make your personality "addictive" and it does take time. when you do this you wont need ANYTHING
i would really advise that if you are continuing on the pot then don't do it every day, just having a few days off at first is a great way to to get in to the habit of NOT USing rather than USING.
Your last posts remind me so much of the things my boyfriend says, he too hates himself, hates life and sounds very similar to how you feel. I would suggest as tears has said that you are suffering from depression, sometimes it just comes on in life especially in teens/ twenties. I understand how you feel about concellors, but Cici i think you just had the wrong councellor, after all all of us here are councellors to each other and we are not so bad are we?!
i so understand the want to escape yourself, i have spent years doing it, this is the thing i am trying to work on myself, mine manifests in phobias and most days my life literally feels like a bad acid trip from anxiety, it is a very physical thing and it is so uncomfortabl;e that some days it is hard to carry on. I just know that i have to get used to my body feeling like that for a while. In regards to the physical feelings, i read in a book on anxiety that if i had sprained my wrist, it may hurt but i would carry on would't i, i wouldn't let the pain freak me out, so why worry about the physical symptoms of my anxiety? this is how i try to look at it.
your friend is so right about needing "sober fun" it is time to remember the things that you used to enjoy before drugs came along. remember the things you are good at, do more of that, it is very good for the soul!
the main thing you must do right now though cici, is forgive yourself. You are not a bad person just because you have done things that in retrospect you aren't proud of,quite the opposite, everyone makes mistakes the important thing is to learn from them and you can and must forgive yourself once you have learned each lesson that life throws at you, this is how we grow. The only way is to learn then let go, you don't need guilt as baggage right now, you do not have to be perfect in this life, no one is and no one expects you to be. Most of us co.dep. people make the mistake of trying to be perfect and trying to control everything but it is not realistic. We all have different things that we are good at and things we are not so good at that is why we are humans not robots! so cici, you are doing so well give yourself a break.
The other thing you need to do is to realise the same of other people, ie the shallow ones, you need to forgive mankind their imperfections as well. People can be shallow but they can be wonderful, there is good and bad in everyone. I can only now get on with my mother through realising this, she is SO shallow, she is the total opposite to me, but now i have learned that everyone evolves at their own rate, my mother is learning in life just like i am, we have stopped expecting perfection of each other and now after 20 years we finally have a relationship.
You need to try and see the good in life, even if you don't feel it to be true at first, because it is there, you are a smart girl, you will be able to see it even if at first it feels like it has no connection to your life, by working on yourself you are opening up your life to allow good, healthy things to come into it. Look for the good in yourself, we who read your posts can see it, back me up here guys and tell me if im wrong but here is the wonderful things that i have seen in Cici just from these posts, firstly I would kill for your ability to use language, you are a born writer cici, go write a book girl, do you realise the skill you have in language? you are also very strong willed, in a matter of weeks you have see a change you want to make in your life and done so much towards that goal, you are not just talking about it but DOING it, that is rare. You are studying for your future, you can finish the year out just go for it keep studying. You care about people, you must now care about you, you wouldn't give any friend of yours the hard time you give yourself so give yourself a break, you are doing so well.
Speak to us soon, and get out there and have some Sober fun!!!
Hazza

September 20, 1999
3:39 pm
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Hazza is so right about everything she said Cici, take it to heart and stay on the straight and narrow girl!

Oh, speaking of writing, I wonder if I have the ability to write a book? Any one? I know im fishing, but I dont have much objective feedback in my life, and I would love to get some honest opinions from my cyber friends. Blessings

September 21, 1999
10:58 am
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Cici
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Thank you so much, Hazza. It actually feels very uplifting to know that someone out there really understands and empathizes with my problems from a personal standpoint. 🙂

It's so funny how things turn out. I guess in the end you just keep moving forward, not really knowing what to expect from life, and you encounter various obstacles that hopefully make you a stronger, more fulfilled person. I think I really do suffer from depression occassionally. I've noticed that it comes and goes, fading in and out of my life, and I feel like I'm kind of sleep-walking when I get depressed.

I talked to my boyfriend last night about my desire to quit the scene. I hadn't really discussed it previously for the simple fact that he is completely immersed in this lifestyle. Although he's not a heavy drug user by any means, he does make a healthy living out of it (basically exploiting other's weaknesses) and part of that money does go to take care of me. Surprisingly, he said he supported my decision and he had noticed that I was spiralling out of control. I was pleased that he said this, but I don't think he'll get a real job. He couldn't make as much mone as he does now by any stretch of the imagination! Which leads me to have concerns about our future...I can't break up with him, though. Our situation is complex. That's a different story.

I remember I thought I wasn't going to make it through the semester...I actually sat down and did homework last night! It was a close-reading essay...a literary analysis, which I haven't done in years. I felt very satisfied after I had finished. I remember in high school, I was in a college preperatory program which was very writing intensive (thus my facility with language, I suppose). After I started doing drugs, it was as if I stopped doing everything but thinking about drugs. I didn't necessarily stop thinking period, but thoughts would race through my head at frightening speeds and intensities and I wasn't able to really catch hold of anything. It was as if I was in a cage, and I perceived the world through bars and never was able to reach out and touch anything real. The world was my construction.

I talked to my friend, Joss (the sober fun guy). He quit everything about six months ago, now he only smokes cigarettes. I said, "I don't really remember what was fun before drugs." He promised to help me. He's actually drawn up a schedule for this weekend that precludes any drug use! I talked to my older sister yesterday, and she has volunteered to help, too. She makes me dinner and I go over to her and her husband's house evert night and spend the evening with them (also to distract me from drugs). I think now every one of my friends knows that I want to quit and the real ones (the numbers have been reduced, I'll tell you that!) are trying to help me.

It's not like I don't want the drugs still. I desperately do. the thing is distration, I guess. I distract myself and the pains go away, for a little while.

Hazza, I had an epiphany last weekend. I realized that shallow people are not really evil or vindictive. It is simply their nature to be so, so I forgive them. I'm trying to learn to forgive other people, and maybe someday I'll be able to forgive myself.

You guys don't know how much this is helping me...

Tears, I think that you would be a womnderful inspirational writer. You put things in perspective in a very positive, uplifting way. Go for it!

Cici

September 21, 1999
12:04 pm
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Dear cici:

I gain great satisfaction, joy and excitement from reading your posts. I am so happy for you, as if you were my little sister:)
Distraction is great, but honey, I hate to tell you this but you are going to have to do the real work with your emotions.
There is defintely an underlying depression that needs to be acknowledged and processed.
This can take some time but I will give you a few pointers that have worked from me and are from "the wisdom of depression"
1. Exercise every day
2. Sunshine every day (atleast half an hr) People actually take light therapy for their depression and it really helps lift it. If you just go outside and enjoy the sunshine for half an hr it will help greatly.
3. Journal writing. You need to begin to forgive yourself and eventually you will forgive others.
4. Connection with positive, DRUG FREE people, I see you are so clever that you are already doing this. You are great!
Do NOT alienate yourself at any time. You need to get stronger before you can truly be happy being alone with yourself. When i say alone, I DO not mean alienate.
5. What talents and gifts do you have that you could use to develop your own self esteem and in service of your fellow man. This is a biggie, and sometimes takes people a long time to understand.
6. Natural anti depressants like St Johns Wort will help you lift some of the depression, although this is for mild to moderate depression only WITH NO SIDE EFFECTS.
oops gotta go, will continue on later.Blessings

September 21, 1999
12:43 pm
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Cici
Please buy 'the courage to heal" workbook by Louse Hay.

September 21, 1999
8:47 pm
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VRJ
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Cici, you are awesome!

September 23, 1999
10:14 am
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hazza
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hi cici, tears et al
as always tears has hit the nail on the head with her advice about dealing with your emotional issues.
cici, im so pleased for you, its great that you have enlisted your friends and family in this, this is exactly what you need to do, i too have forgotten how to have sober fun, im only just starting to rediscover the fact that simple things like walking the dog can be fun, we get into the habit of thinking that fun= high, then everything else done when not high is therefore boring, pretty soon you will find that that equation reverses itself if you know what i mean, high=boring, been there before , no suprises etc, fun= getting to know the world and the people in it sober, infiniteley more possibilities than drugs can offer. wshat you see is what you get with drugs, you know every experience that they can offer you now cici, new brain food will only come from other sources now, that is why it will get easier and easier for you to resist.
excellent news about your epiphany, i wish my partner could learn it!!, that is a good word choice, i think it was the same for me, things fell into place when i realised that people belong to themselves and not to me. not everyone is smart, caring, funny ar whatever but we have to let people evolve at their rate not at one we dictate for them, we have to concentrate on our evolution, and hope we meet some similar minded folks along the way!!
i think it is great that you have talked to your boyfriend, i understand the issues with him being a dealer, will he have sober fun with you too?
at the moment it is difficult to say if this will be a prblem for you, if he is encouraginging your lifestyle change then that is good, you may find he wants to change himself also, may be not. you may find that as you continue down your path you may have moral problems with what he does, it is too soon to say on that front, the important thing is that the two of you are discussing it, that is a good sign. Let us know what happens with the two of you, it is important that he is supportive of your dicision even if he is still in the scene himself, (remeber true friends converstaion applies here also)
let me promise you that those moments of "inspiration" and racing thoughts that we used to find such a "cool" aspect of drugs, do not belong to the drugs alone. you will have these moments sober, after all, drugs work by releasing brain chemicals that we all produce, they don't introduce something new that works in your brain, they just open a tap to chemicals you already have and use everyday. you will see this when you start on your sober fun (i love that term, is so sums it up) this will enough distraction for you, just spending time with friends/ family in the right way, you can balance the time when you work on getting to the root of your depession, dealing with emotional issues with relaxing in the right way, n one is suggesting you lock yourslf up in a room until you have found all the answers,
best of all, trust your instincts on things, i think that is what you have done so far, and you have made excellent discisions thus far, you know what to do and how to do it,we are here for you, you have an excellent friend who is going to show you a whole weekend of new fun! you are facing up not running way, i don't think any one here thinks you have anything to forgive yourself for, you should be proud of yourself. Tears is right about hobbies, i think we should all start a new hobby by next week for homework!!!
Takecare and let us know how the weekend went
Hazza

September 23, 1999
11:25 am
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Cici
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Recently, I haven't really sat down and thought about what I wanted; that is, what I wanted out of life, school, careers, relationships...I used to do it all the time when I was younger. It's as if as I grew older I began to fear what lay ahead of me. I've heard that that is a common problem among teenage girls, which often leads to eating disorders like anorexia, bulemia and even over-eating. I, of course, turned to other things. I guess I was trying to avoid growing up and having responsibilities by simply pretending that they weren't there. In part, that's why I was attracted to my boyfriend in the first place...he's very in control of everything around him, almost fatherly in the way he takes care of me.

Last night I went over to one of my best friend's houses...I've known him since I was like 6 years old. He's been getting very sick for the past few weeks, and I'm worried about him. I have to admit that I was weak last night. Logan might be a hardcore drug user, but his roommates are alcoholics! So they were making pina coladas. Now, I had one because I really like the way they taste, but luckily they ran out of rum before I could get trashed, although that familiar feeling of wanting to be stupid came over me. Lo was getting qualuudes. He has shingles now, so he was in a lot of pain anyway, but isn't it weird that a perfectly healthy 20 yr. old male has shingles? I thought that was an old person disease. Anyways, long story short, I left as soon as the pills arrived. My boyfriend called me because he knew where I was and he also knew Lo was getting 'luudes, so he asked me to come over and hang with him so I wouldn't be tempted.

Is it bad to be dependent on other people to stop me from using drugs? I lean on my friends and boyfriend so much for support.

I bounced my tuition check last week, I found out yesterday. I felt like such an idiot, because I know about $300.00 went to buying drugs at the end of August and that's why the check bounced. I had to go beg my parents for more money and they knew, you know. They always knew. But I saw this sort of helpless look in my dad's eyes. He used to be a substance abuser, too, so he knows what's wrong with me. Every time I go over there he hugs me really hard and tells me what a hard world it is out there. But they've given up on me.

My whole family expects that they'll have to take care of me for the rest of my life. My mother says that I'm "sick" and I need to "get better." I hate that condescension.

I found some oxycodones (painkillers) in my medicine cabinet...they were hidden in a Wellbutrin bottle. They're still sitting there because I haven't the heart to throw them out. I'm still a weak, very falible person, I think. The danger comes with my complacency. I accept that I'm weak and sometimes I don't need any further impetus to fall back into old habits.

I sit at home alone, and I get uncomfortable in my own skin. I'll go over to my neighbor's apartment and he offers to get me high, in the corner his friend asks if it's ok to snort coke. Would I like any? I say no, but I watch him anyway. I watch him pull out the sharp-looking little chrome cigarette box that has all his little tools in it. And I want so badly to grab that little compact mirror out of his hands. I remember that numb feeling at the back ofmy throat. The insidious thing about coke is that you don't know you're high. you just feel absolutely greaet for about an hour and then you realize you were high when you come down.

But I don't do anything. I sit and watch and want so badly but I deny myself. I feel pretty damn shitty right about now. But later, when I'm alone again, I feel good and proud and I feel like each time I say no I get a little piece of me back from my addictions.

Cici

September 23, 1999
12:17 pm
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Dear cici

Each time you say no to that soul robbing stuff you get stronger. You feel weak right now because you are free of drugs and you are left with the Cici that needs to be strengthened through facing lifes lessons head on and sober. You WILL do this. Life is a process and you are not a write off as your parents may feel.
Far from it girl, you are an inspiration and person with such goodness that you even seem to attract equally good people who are scard but have good intentions. Your boyfriend is great for supporting your drug free life, but I dont know how long he will continue. You may find little in common with him once you past the three months mark or so. This may frighten him and create a situation where he may lure you back. Right now the drug life is more attractive to you because it is filled with more support and peace from your gnawing, gaping self.
You need to create a sober world that is more attractive. Your parents dont seem to be much of an attraction, so try to find some new sober friends and activities cici. Throw out those painkillers now, if you are really serious about healing. You said yourself as long as the possibility of drug use is in your face you have inner turmoil and pain. Dont have the stuff any where near you, no where.
blessings. You are doing great girl!

September 24, 1999
10:56 am
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Last night was such a scary night...and I think it was the first time I was sober enough to realize how scary it actually was.

I went to the drag show at UC, a gay club in my city, last night with two good friends. The guy, Adam, quit everything in like June, so he's going good. I've just recently started hanging out with him again, becuase of the sober friends/sober fun thing. The girl, Elli, is a hardcore user who I met because she's one of my boyfriend's customers, but she and I have been talking and she's just recently been clean for a week, which is a huge step for her. I think I'm actually convincing some people to quit with me!

Anyways, we went out and had great, sober fun. Well, I had 1 jello shot. But It's great how being poor can moderate your drinking! But it was great to be there and just like aware of my surroundings. Elli lives with Logan, who got the 'luudes last night, and before we left I told him not to take any because he had a huge presentation today for school. But when we got back, the whole house was filled with oily black smoke. The kitchen was on fire, from a pot he left on the stove. He and my other friend were passed out face-down on the floor, twitching. Elli and Adam put out the fire and cleaned everything up while I rolled the two guys over and checked to make sure they weren't in cardiac/respiratory arrest. They were alive, but only semi-conscious. I tried to induce vomiting, but nothing would come up. So we just sat there with them. About an hour later they started to come out of their comatose states, but even after that they couldn't say much, just sat there zoned out of their minds. They had each eaten 2 'luudes and drank a six pack each. They looked so cracked-out.I found out that they had bought the luudes from my boyfriend.

I went back to my boyfriend's house. He was fine, though, even though he'd eaten half of one. I fully expected him to be just as cracked out, but again, he knows about moderation and never lets himself lose control, so it was pretty dumb of me to expect him to mess up like they had. I told him the story, and he felt bad, but they did over do it. I know it was Logan's fault...he was the one who got me into heroine use, so he really is out of control.

End of story, I went to sleep at 5:30 this morning because of stupid Logan. I realized that I was disgusted by his behavior and I really felt deep down inside that I never wanted to be like that again. I was ashamed I'd ever been like them. _I_ have been the one passed out on the floor before, my face into the carpet. I don't like that.

I threw away all my shit last night...all the leftover paraphanalia, all the leftover painkillers, all the leftover sleeping pills, all the leftover speed...it all got broken or flushed last night. I'm so angry at them for making me scared. I'm angry at myself. I'm just angry right now. I don't know what to do. I'm so fucking angry.

I know that they did it to themselves...the thing is I don't feel at all as fragile about my resolve as I did before. I feel stronger. I feel much more confident about my ability to quit all this and leave it behind me. I think my head is clearer now than it has been in over 2 years.

Cici

September 24, 1999
11:37 am
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wow Cici, i cried reading your last post.
If you were my sister or my daughter I would be bursting with pride.
I know the fear must be horrific but you are right they are responsible for their actions, you can help them and your friends by setting an example (as i see you have been doing)
YOu could be a catalyst for their own healing, if they see you can do it and see your growing strength and happiness, hopefully it will inspire them also.This is the best way to help anyone. Be the hero that you are.
Its such a sad day that they and you can drug untill you are that gone. I have seen it and picked my brother up lying in the a.m on a sidewalk. Anyone could have done anything to him. The vulnerability and the sad state that he was in shook my very core. I guess he must of felt the same way, when I was being abused. That is all in the past now for me, and our past does not steer our future. Each day is a new day to make new choices and choose not to pick up bitterness or baggage. One day at a time cici, choose to be clear in mind and body. Keep going girl, I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo proud of you and impressed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

September 24, 1999
11:43 am
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Listening to Anger (for cici, and askme and Hope & everyone who is feeling anger-coda)

-=:<>:=-<>-=:<>:=-<>-=:<>:=-<>-=:<>:=-<>-=:<>:=-

"Anger is fuel. We feel it and we want to do something. Hit someone, break
something, throw a fit, smash a fist into the wall, tell those bastards. But
we are nice people, and what we do with our anger is stuff it, deny it, bury
it, block it, hide it, lie about it, medicate it muffle it, ignore it. We do
everything but listen to it.
"Anger is meant to be listened to. Anger is a voice, a shout, a plea, a
demand. Anger is meant to be respected. Why? Because anger is a map. Anger
shows us what our boundaries are. Anger shows us where we want to go. It
lets us see where we've been and lets us know when we haven't liked it.
Anger points the way, not just the finger. In the recovery of a blocked
artist, anger is a sign of health.

"Anger is meant to be acted upon. It is not meant to be acted out. Anger
points the direction. We are meant to use anger as fuel to take the actions
we need to move where our anger points us. With a little thought, we can
usually translate the message that our anger is sending us."

Julia Cameron in The Artist's Way

-=:<>:=-<>-=:<>:=-<>-=:<>:=-<>-=:<>:=-<>-=:<>:=-

In the excerpt above, Julia Cameron makes several useful points about anger.
For some of us anger is a habit, a defense, or something to fear. For most
of us, in the best case, anger is an emotion we manage. Cameron suggests
that anger is something valuable. It is fuel. It is a source of information.
It gives direction. When you understand your anger you know more about what
you care about, and maybe what you fear.
Mishandled, anger is destructive. Used properly it can be a spur to action.
We want to right the wrong, so our anger, when listened to, can move us
along. How can we use anger for the good? We must be wise. We must be
sensitive. We must know our own hearts and minds. We must be in contact with
our own energy. We must know when we are losing control of ourselves. To be
useful to a right thinking person, anger must be connected with non-violent
action. It must be empowering, not destructive.

Practice:

Here are some questions to ask yourself about your way of handling anger:

What kinds of things make me angry?
Is my anger chronic?
Am I angry at the same things over and over again?
Can I change these things or change my response to them?
How do I feel about my anger?
Am I uncomfortable with it?
Do I fear it?
What can I learn from my anger?
Does it have a message for me?
Does my anger show me where I want to go with my life?
Do I act out my anger by striking out?
Or do I act on my anger to change my responses?
Can I experience anger without losing touch with wisdom?
Can I experience anger without losing my compassion?
How can I transform my anger into empowerment?

-=:<>:=-<>-=:<>:=-<>-=:<>:=-<>-=:<>:=-<>-=:<>:=-

Native American Wisdom 🙂

-=:<>:=-<>-=:<>:=-<>-=:<>:=-<>-=:<>:=-<>-=:<>:=-

The Seven Sacred Prayers

O Great Spirit, who art before all else and who dwells in every
object, in every person and in every place, we cry unto Thee. We
summon Thee from the far places into our present awareness.

O Great Spirit of the North, who gives wings to the waters of the
air and rolls the thick snowstorm before Thee, Who covers the Earth
with a sparkling crystal carpet above whose deep tranquillity
every sound is beautiful. Temper us with strength to withstand
the biting blizzards, yet make us thankful for the beauty which
follows and lies deep over the warm Earth in its wake.

O Great Spirit of the East, the land of the rising Sun, Who holds
in Your right hand the years of our lives and in Your left the
opportunities of each day. Brace us that we may not neglect our
gifts nor lose in laziness the hopes of each day and the hopes of each
year.

O Great Spirit of the South, whose warm breath of compassion
melts the ice that gathers round our hearts, whose fragrance
speaks of distant springs and summer days, dissolve our fears,
melt our hatreds, kindle our love into flames of true and living
realities. Teach us that he who is truly strong is also kind, he who
is wise tempers justice with mercy, he who is truly brave matches
courage with compassion.

O Great Spirit of the West, the land of the setting Sun, with Your
soaring mountains and free, wide rolling prairies, bless us with
knowledge of the peace which follows purity of striving and the
freedom which follows like a flowing robe in the winds of a
well-disciplined life. Teach us that the end is better than the
beginning and that the setting sun glorifies not in vain.

O Great Spirit of the heavens, in the day's infinite blue and amid the
countless stars of the night
season, remind us that you are vast,
that you are beautiful and majestic beyond all of our knowing or
telling, but also that you are no further from us than the tilting
upwards of our heads and the raising of our eyes.

O Great Spirit of Mother Earth beneath our feet, Master of metals,
Germinator of seeds and the
Storer of the Earth's unreckoned
resources, help us to give thanks unceasingly for Your present bounty.

O Great Spirit of our souls, burning in our heart's yearning and in our
innermost aspirations, speak to us now and always so that we
may be aware of the greatness and goodness of Your gift of life and be
worthy of this priceless privilege of living.

©1996 Noel Knockwood, B.A. Elder

-=:<>:=-<>-=:<>:=-<>-=:<>:=-<>-=:<>:=-<>-=:<>:=-

"So live your life that the fear of death can never enter your heart.
Trouble no one about their religion; respect others in their view, and
Demand that they respect yours.
Love your life,
perfect your life,
Beautify all things in your life.
Seek to make your life long and
Its purpose in the service of your people.

Prepare a noble death song for the day when you go over the great
divide. Always give a word or a sign of salute when meeting or passing a
friend, Even a stranger, when in a lonely place.
Show respect to all people and Bow to none.
When you arise in the morning, give thanks for the food and
For the joy of living. If you see no reason for giving thanks,
The fault lies only in yourself. Abuse no one and no living thing,
For abuse turns the wise ones to fools and robs the spirit of its
vision.

When it comes your time to die, be not like those whose hearts
Are filled with fear of death, so that when their time comes
They weep and pray for a little more time to live their lives over
again In a different way. Sing your death song and die like a
hero going home."

-- Tecumseh, Shawnee

-=:<>:=-<>-=:<>:=-<>-=:<>:=-<>-=:<>:=-<>-=:<>:=-

"While living I want to live well. I know I have to die sometime, but even
if the heavens were to fall on me I want to do what is right. There is only
one God looking down on us
all. We are all children of the one God. God is listening to me.
The sun, the darkness, the winds, all are listening to what we now say..."

-- Geronimo

-=:<>:=-<>-=:<>:=-<>-=:<>:=-<>-=:<>:=-<>-=:<>:=-

"We sang the songs that carried in their melodies all the sounds of
nature -- the running waters, the sighing of winds, and the calls of the
animals. Teach these to your children that they may come to love nature as
we love it."
Grand Council Fire of American Indians

http://www.whitestareagle.com/.....natlit.htm

------------------------------------------------------------------------

September 25, 1999
7:56 pm
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Cici
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So what. So I feel shitty today.

I ate qualuudes last night. It was possibly the most fun I've had in the longest time. Even Adam, the sober guy, ate a bunch. I ate luudes and zanex and drank like a fish and smoke crippie (kind bud) blunts and passed out and woke up at 4pm today and I don't remember anything that happened to me after like 2am.

Logan and I had a huge fight and we are no longer friends any more.

I feel like I'm nothing. I don't have any will power, I'm not a strong person. I've fallen right back into old patterns. And who am I to judge any one else but myself.

September 25, 1999
11:32 pm
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god that really hurts me cici. I dont know if i can continue here, I have so much of my own pain with my brother who has aids and keeping him off heroin, my own codep stuff etc. I came here to start a support group but I am basically doing all the supporting. I am sorry. I am only human. Your actions have really hurt cici, and the shit that comes from people like "Cynicism".
god bless.

September 25, 1999
11:35 pm
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I think i can be in best service by writing my book. I thankyou all. Remember god is with you all.

September 26, 1999
12:01 am
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Cici, my support is NOT conditional. I think you are great and I KNOW you can create the life you love and deserve, but I find i am getting pretty involved with everyone here and it hurts when people like you fall, ya know. I hope you understand. This is a special place, and our group is filled with special women, all finding the true beauty within and have faced things and prevailed that would have made lesser people crumble.. I love you guys and care, but I need to focus my energies on myself and my dreams right now. God bless and Namaste.

September 26, 1999
12:48 am
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VRJ
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Cici,
a setback, not a total failure. An opportunity to learn how to handle it better next time. Do not depend on willpower alone. Is there an NA group in your area? Accept where you are right now. You are still a beautiful child of God and always will be. There are no conditions to his love for you.

Tears,
you do what you have to do, feel what you have to feel. You have given comfort. Perhaps it is you who needs comfort now. Peace be with you.

September 28, 1999
12:47 pm
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Cici, are you out there? Im still here, step backs are part of recovery, two steps forwards and one step back. You will make it, i believe in you.

September 28, 1999
6:00 pm
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marisan
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Thanks for your honesty Cici. All the advice I read here to you was good, but for an addict simplicity can be the key to real recovery from the addiction. I am not as eloquent as the others here, but my suggestion to you is what worked for me. Just this - Don't drink, don't use drugs, and go to meetings. I would recommend AA over NA. I am now clean and sober and I did it one day at a time by not drinking, not using and going to meetings. I hope you try again and I wish you the best of luck.

September 28, 1999
11:41 pm
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It IS a choice.

September 29, 1999
12:35 pm
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marisan
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Of course it is a choice, tears. An addicts's mind is wired a little differently than normal brains though and making that choice can be one of the most difficult decisions in the world. When your mind is already clouded by drugs or alcohol, it is often near impossible to conceive of a life without those substances. If one is able to actually stop using, then life seems dull and without joy and it is generally only a matter of time before the drugs or alcohol is picked up again. It is a disease which works upon the physical body, the emotions, and the spirit and unless all of these areas are cared for, long sobriety becomes extrememly difficult. It can be done Cici and I am living proof that an addict can live without those substances and live well. I have a lot of joy in my life now, but it took a lot of time and work. Hope you try again Cici - I think you have a lot to offer this world.

September 29, 1999
3:37 pm
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yes m, the choice needs to be made on all levels and sober. It is a choice 2 confront the demons that drive her in this way. bless u both

September 30, 1999
10:46 am
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I realized something about myself the other day. I realized that I have completely lost control. I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing. I don't know who i am. I'vve lost friends forever this past weekend, all because of drugs. I almost lost my job because I just kinda passed out at 5am and slept thru work.

I will take control of my life again. I don't know how much longer I will stay with my boyfriend. he's been feeding me pills again and I don't want that in my life any more. I've already cut off so many people it gets easier and easier to just withdraw from everyone.

I did something very bad yesterday. I am so ashamed of myself. I know anyone who reads this (especially tears, who I feel is like an older sibling or something) will be shocked and disappointed. I went over to my neighbor's house yesterday. He'd gotten back from New Orleans and had been on a binge like I had, but with acid and luudes. He smoked me out and we snorted some painkillers and drank a lot of beer and all of a sudden I slept with him and I don't know why. I love my boyfriend. I love him with all my heart. Why am I doing these things?

It's not even like things are weird between my neighbor and I. Yesterday my boyfriend came over and hung out with me at my neighbor's because I'm always over there anyway and it was like he couldn't tell a thing. What have I done?

I have no more paraphanalia. I broke it all or threw it all away a while ago. No more. I always wondered why some people can be social drinkers and hang and all that stuff without being addicted like I am...I guess some people just have no control. Case and point, my life (ha ha ha).

I wish I could start all over again. I wish things could be new...

October 1, 1999
1:11 pm
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Cici,

If you realize that you have no control over your drug and alcohol use and are truly powerless, then you have taken a really important step. You are suffering from an illness and might want to consider getting some help. I have known alcoholics and addicts to have quit thru their own efforts, but usually they were not as far along the process as you are, or as I was. I would really recommend that you consider going to an AA or an NA meeting. You will meet people there who are going thru the same things and having the same thoughts as you. Sleeping thru work and sleeping with people you don't intend to sleep with are very common occurrences with alcoholics and addicts. It is a self-destructive disease which tells us to do these things. It might seem totally crazy and out of control now, but the truth is that you are doing pretty well. This realization of powerlessness is something most addicts and alcoholics never come to. I wish you the best of luck. You can find out about meetings in your area by calling information and requesting the central office number for AA in your area. Most alcoholics also use drugs and it is ok to talk about any form of drug use in meetings. It is a good idea to separate yourself from people who use at this point, but if you don't seek out recovering addicts or alcoholics and begin dealing with this, chances are likely that the isolation will bring on another drinking or drugging binge. That complete lack of control may seem to you like the end of the world, but you're really just opening a new door and starting on a new path. I have no idea how people drink socially either - my theory was always if one feels good, then 12 or 15 would feel so much better and then I'd wake up after the black out to discover all the things I had done the night before and the shame would start. I don't have to do that anymore. I have sobriety and growing self-esteem and a lot of joy in my life now, along with laughter and many new friendships, with regular people and recovering alcoholics. I just wanted to let you know a little of my story and that there is a solution to your addiction. Best of luck on your journey.

October 1, 1999
1:24 pm
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Cici,

In regards to 'wishing you could start over again', here's a quote that might get you BACK on track:

"Don't let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it. The time will pass anyway; we might just as well put that passing time to the best possible use."
Earl Nightingale

Don't let the past dictate the future, the time is going to pass anyway, now's the time to make a fresh start.

- SC

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