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Substance Abuse
September 13, 1999
1:52 pm
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Cici
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Ok...

I pretty much thought my life was on track but I'm slowly seeing everything just sort of disintegrate. I guess I started having problems with substance abuse December of last year. I was working in a bar and even though I was only 19 I was drinking heavily pretty much every night. My dad was alcoholic, one uncle died from alcohol poisoning and another killed himself because of problems with coke.

I was fired from that job because of problems with alcohol and that's when I started getting into other drugs...I quit drinking and became just your run-of-the-mill stoner, but my friends introduced me to acid, ecstasy and whippits (nitrous huffing) and I ended up dropping out of school.

My parents were concerned. They sent me to a drug therapy counselor who just gave me sleeping pills and prozac (kind of ironic, huh?). After rehab, I went back into the drug/rave scene full force and I started abusing prescription drugs like valium, percoset, darviset, morphine, rohipnol...although I did stop tripping.

I went back to school this fall. I thought I was getting better and I could handle things. But I'm just slipping deeper into the cracks. I've recently been getting into coke, ketamine and heroine now, and that's what's really scaring me.

The thing is, I know this is all bad. I know I'm hurting myself and my family and everyone who loves me, but I just can't stop myself. It's like I have no self-control any more. I used to say no to coke all the time, even when it was free, because I thought it was a "junkie drug", but now I'll do anything you put in front of me, especially if it's free.

I don't know what else to do. I've been to rehab, I've tried to taper off and I've tried quitting cold-turkey and nothing works. I'm so tired of being in debt, I'm tired period. My body hurts. Lately I even tried drinking again because I know I just want to get messed up every night. But now I'll drink and do drugs together. Every night I do something and every weekend I have to get so messed up that I pass out.

I don't know when this will end. I've begun to think that the only way I'll be able to quit using drugs is if I overdose.

September 13, 1999
5:01 pm
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Anonymous
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I have a sibling who is like you and it is breaking my heart. Aids and Hep c is now filling him as he grasps onto what life he has left. I cant tell you the pain i feel for him and life without him. He is a shadow of the person he was.
Surrender to your higher power, to god. Its the only way. YOu no longer have control, give control over to god and take back your life, a changed man. A stronger man. IT is the ONLY way. Trust me on this.

September 13, 1999
11:12 pm
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dagney
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Cici, i wish there was some miracle thing that you could do or that i could say, but there isn't. Addiction is scary. I have experienced it first hand, and i am the daughter of a recovering addict.
It is within you, and it is very positive for you to reach out like you have. There is a way out, but YOU must find it on your own. Do you have anyone, a friend, a relative that you can begin to hang out with who is sane- not using? Perhaps there is someone that you can spend time with, and then remember that you can have a good time without these substances.
I remember years ago, looking into a mirror, screwed up on God knows- and i honestly didn't know who was looking back at me. I was terrified at this girl i had become. Cici, please do not loose yourself. There are people out there that care about you and i bet that if you are strong enough to fess up and ask for support (like you have here) support is what you will find.
God Bless

September 14, 1999
12:04 am
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No addiction is stronger than the human spirit or will, if you want to heal..you can and must will it. You ARE worth it, and a great future awaits you.

September 14, 1999
11:18 am
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Cici
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You know the funny thing is I have my good days and my bad days. Like, I once thought I had kicked my ecstasy habit...I quit for a month. But then someone chopped up a pill in front of me and I all of the sudden lost control. Like I completely lost it.

Dagney, it's weird that you say that. I've looked in the mirror many a time and not known who was looking back at me. That's what makes my problems so scary...I feel like it would be so easy for me to lose myself one night.

So my boyfriend is concerned now, which is weird because he's a dealer. Last night I was hanging out and someone wanted to snort painkillers and he took the glass tube we use for snorting adn hid it from me. I think that's kind of bizarre.

But I have a hard time sometimes even thinking about quitting. Like Some days, especially if I don't do anything that day, I get so depressed and hopeless about my life. But then someone gives me drugs and while I'm high or down (depending on the drug) I feel so good. I feel so happy. I feel so in touch with everything around me. It's hard for me to reconcile that great feeling with the knowledge that everything I'm doing is killing me.

Isn't that strange? I'm like the addict who knows she should quit but feels like she can't. I have the smae problem with benign cigarettes. Like I know it's really bad to smoke them, but I enjoy it so much I sdon't want to quit...

September 14, 1999
11:37 am
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Is that temp high worth your soul? your life?

September 14, 1999
2:02 pm
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Cici
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I look around me and I start to think it is. I mean, I just don't know what else to say. I love my family, my friends, my boyfriend...but I don't feel like it's worth it to be sober. A lot of the time.

But then again, when I am sober for long periods of time, my body starts to ache. I've permanently destroyed my body with drugs...ulcers, numbness in my extremities, gastroparesis...my body hurts.

God. I sound so whiney. I just don't want to be like this anymore, but I see no other alternative. To be sober would mean that I would have to deal with reality and God forbid I do that. Sometimes I think the world is surreal anyway...like Plato philosophized in his "Allegory of the Cave"...the reality that I perceive is a merely shadow of true reality. Or maybe what I perceive is a reality of my own construction...I'm rambling now. This must look bizarre to the readers.

I've permanently altered my perception of reality. I just want to be happy...and I don't feel happy when I'm sober.

September 14, 1999
8:33 pm
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Cici, thankyou for your brutal honesty. You are a deep thinker with a good mind, and i understand what you are saying. Yes our reality IS of our own construction. Where our mind leads, our butt follows.
Just as you hvae created a world of horror you can also create heaven on earth. I know what you mean when you dont want to be sober and deal with reality, this is the whole reason why you are self medicating. My brother has also told me the same words.
You started with the drugs because you werent happy then and now you are really worse off, your "sober" world is anyway. The world that those of us who dont use, deal with and live in. This "sober world" isnt always Pleasantville, but the "challenges" ( i prefer this word than "problems") are really placed there for us to learn from and become better adults with character and strength. When drugs are used, they emotionally stunt us at whatever level we began using, just as an adult who was abused as a child is emotionallly stunted at the age of the abuse in many ways. You are abusing yourself and suffering in the same way. YOu are not letting your psyche evolve naturally as it is meant to. YOu may feel that you cant handle life, but god will not give you more than you can handle. Just try small "challenges" a bit at a time. Get into a support group and look in the mirror each morning and say "you are a child of god, i love you and accept you" Once the drugs start to leave your system you will be in a better position to deal with all the emotions that will come up, yes you will be depressed, anxious and stressed but you need to have the courage (prayer is helpful) to stand in the face of your own inner pain. A therapist can and will help. Or you can come on here and talk.
God bless

September 14, 1999
10:01 pm
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VRJ
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Tears, you are exceptionally gifted at explaining and understanding. Bless you.

September 14, 1999
11:02 pm
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Thankyou VRJ, you have no idea how much that means to me. God bless you.

September 15, 1999
9:13 pm
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Cici
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Tears, You really know what you're talking about. I've heard people try and tell me the same things but never quite as...well, eloquently.

So baby steps, right? Try to keep moving forward. I haven't done any hard drugs in about two weeks, which is really a miracle to me. I've been offered free coke and X almost every day and since I started really thinking about the things you've said, I've been able to say "no." It's so hard, too, but every time I say no I feel so proud of myself. Even though I want it so badly. I get up and leave the parties when they start getting like that. I hoping that I might be able to just quit going after a while, but it's so hard with my boyfriend and all my friends in the scene.

I don't know. I don't want to be optimistic. I've quit before and just gone right back to it whenever something went wrong in my life. But I can't help hoping that this time I'll be able to crawl out of the hole I've dug...

September 16, 1999
12:07 am
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You are very intelligent and I believe that you can stop from going back this time. I have never used drugs so I cant tell you from experience, but I have been a big support to my brother and have a personal experience with relationship addiction. The dynamics are very similar.
When my brother was in recovery, I would talk to many of the addicts (some of them were dying with aids,hepc or cancer) I felt such great compassion for them and often helped them in any way i could. I brought them home cooked food, comforters, books, wrote them inspirational letters. etc. I eventually want to open a centre in memory of my brother. I have a strong passion for this type of work, and things are happening as we speak.
Now through my own experiences with addicts and my bro, I understand that the self medicating is done to avoid the pain of dealing with pain. When we start early in life and continue, we do not develop the strengths we need to see us through these tough times and become a stronger person for it.
Starting by saying no is the beginning and one of the most important parts. I am proud of you. Just take small steps, continue to say no and try to find a support group. You also need to make friends with people who arent users. It is important to develop your soul through soul work of any kind. Things that make you feel good and loved.
Love is a big issue. If you felt love for yourself there is no way you would do this. When you continue, what little self worth you had gets eaten away.
Rebuild your self worth by helping others in any way you can every day. If you can do something small, helping someone with directions, carrying groceries for an elderly person, reading to a child in hospitol...anything that gives to another, WHAT YOU SEEK YOURSELF..god bless

September 16, 1999
12:08 am
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if you want love my dear, give it in service to others. I promise you wont be disappointed.

September 16, 1999
10:11 am
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hi cici,
i was sad to read your thread, sad becuase i understand sad to see the familar story again hurting another life, sad but also inspired as i read on.
there is little i can add to Tears excellent words, she has said it all so well and so true.
I was so proud of you that you have leaft the "hard" stuff alone, that is SO good. That is the first step.
I never used anything really but dope, i was scared of anything else because i know i have an addictive personality, so i steared clear of other stuff, but boy did i smoke dope! it is just a tears said, you press the pause button on your life when you start using this self medication and you cease to grow,
I was so scared of facing the things i knew where wrong in myself that i avoided it, but i used to remeber being at a party when i was a teenager and seeing people in their thirties out of their head on drugs or drink and thinking" i dont want to be like that when i am an "adult" "
about 3 years ago i gave up smoking dope because i knew that i had to find me instead of burying me, i had to face up o what i didn't like and do something about it and it hasn't been easy, but i tell you Cici, i don't regret it. I used to have so many friends now i have none practically, but were they ever friends in the first place? NO! those type of friends are just people who keep each other company while they try to forget thier lives exist.
I have read your posts to other threads and you are so smart, so coherent that i understand how life can seem so irrelevent and boring when you are sober, this is the problem my partner has, but eventually you find that your intelligence wont allow you to be fooled by the drugs anymore. Even when you are high you will realise that it just an illusion nd what you really want, what you really crave is to have TRUE contentment, not artifically induced happiness. so you are taking the drugs but dont get the same kick out if it. I think this is what you are telling yourself now, that you are so smart you are worth more that the party girl lifestyle,
I finally feel at ease with "normal " people, i always thought myself better than them, that i was more popular, exciting etc, but it was bull. I was trying to bury the pain of my childhood when i should have been processing that pain and growing and moving on. Now the pain from my childhood is healing, i realised that i will always have a hungry mind, but i feed it by reading books on quantum physics or philosphy (and i dont mean jim morrison!) and i blow my mind with the wonder of life and planet earth and it is a much better buzz,
I feel so sure that you are too intelligent to rot your brain and body, and i know it is scary when all you fiend and boyfrind are users, but you are doing the right thing by leaving the parties.
you need to decide if this is the life you want, if it isn't then bit by bit you can change it. Talk to your boyfriend, would he support you decision? would your friends? I know its so tough but sometimes we have to choose what we want,
I would say that is your boyfriend is a dealer and HE is concerned about you usage then, you know that things are getting out of hand and you need to get your life back. You will be able to crawl out of that hole Cici, but you will need help, find out who your friends are. All my boyfriends "friends" would jeopardize avery attempt of his to quit, because they want to keep things the same, they don't want people to sort out their own lives because it draws attention to the fact that they themselves have problems. One true friend is worth a thousand of these sort of people, how do your friends react now that you are refusing coke etc?
When you are free of all the drugs, as tears so rightly says, you will feel in limbo for a while, you will not be quite so connected with your old friends and you will not yet have moved on enough to make new ones, BUT this is the time when you meet the best friend you will ever know and really get to know and love her, YOU. Be strong CICI, i promise you it is worth it, it may be hard in the short term but in the long term it could be the difference between being deeply ill, unhappy, dead even or being content, waking with a sense of purpose and being true to your intelligence not your scars.
Please keep writing here and let us know how things are going, I have seen people try and fail often so i know how hard it it but i've also seen people suceed and go on to be so happy with thier lives full of happy, healthy people.
Take care and bug hugs!
Hazza

September 16, 1999
10:54 am
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Cici
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Thanks Hazza! and thank you so much Tears. It actually feels good to hear this support. I haven't gotten much from my parents or family because they've basically just stepped away from me. I guess because they tried really hard to get me to quit earlier on and I just sort of rejected them and their values.

I was at a hurricane party on Tuesday night (you all know about the huge hurricane that just sort of missed FL, even though people were evacuated and stuff). One of my friends was trying to talk me into rolling (eating ecstasy). He was like, "you're young, do you realize you won't be able to do this in 5 yrs? get you're kicks in now as much as you can before you get old."

I said, if I do any of that shit now I won't *be* old. He backed down. I was proud of myself for just hanging out. I haven't been able to say no to pot yet, though. I guess whenever I feel low or tired or bad at all I just pull that fuzzy blanket over my head...

The thing is, I never saw what was bad about pot. I can go about my daily business and still smoke. Like I've gone to class, to exams, home to the family, all the time high and the only thing it does is make everything slow down. Then again, I do get pretty apathetic and whatnot. Hmmm. I'm trying to think what is bad in my life because of pot. It's hard to think (ha ha ha)...

I haven't read a book since I started using drugs...well, I read one when i went on family vacation because I was away from all drugs for a week and a half, even cigarettes. I liked it. I miss it. When I was little I used to read all the time, and Imean all the time.

I know what you mean, Hazza, about the popularity thingy. I look around me sometimes and I just see these blank faces and numbness. One of my friends is going to prison next week for armed robbery and possession and distribution of narcotic and hallucinogenic substances. I was the only one out of everyone who hangs with him (some have known him for 4 yrs!) who helped him look for representation and found information about drug laws for him. Even his girlfriend just sort of said, "this sucks" and left it at that. That's what really made me frustrated. I really care about a lot of my friends and they call me "mom" and stuff, but I wonder a lot if they care about me...

September 16, 1999
11:41 am
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Hazza, what beautiful words, such a wise soul! You ARE going to make it! I too love knowledge and thirst for it.
Well Ruya, It is hard to do anything without family support and a family of your own. We have never turned our back on our brother, even though he has relapsed many times and it has been heartbreaking to us. He has told us outright, if we did not support him he would of been dead a long time ago. This hurts me when i write this, but I hope it benefits you.
I do not want to judge your family, but you DO need support from a genuine, caring person. Your drug friends are NOT. They will only support your drug habit. It is hard to face this and they must feel sort of like family, but you need to leave them for THEIR good as well as your own. You may inspire some or even just one of them to do the same.
Call a crisis line and ask resources for support when coming off drug addiction or just take up a new interest. Something you loved since a little girl.
This will build your self and put you in contact with healthy adults who could possibly be friends and eventually support. Please try to avoid a male relationship right now untill you get strong in yourself, this will only complicate matters. The only guys who will be attracted to you right now are what i call "like energy partners" your energy is drug energy right now and you do not need that.
Blessings, see my post to you on "lost soul" ruya

September 17, 1999
8:48 am
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Cici
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Yesterday I spent a long time talking to one of my friends. He and I are very close, even though he is ostensibly a "drug friend" and I did meet him at a rave. He and I share so many similarities, except he's been in the scene for almost 5 yrs. now whereas I have only been experiencing this situation for about a year. I talked about my drug problem, and he was shocked to hear me refer to it as such.

At first he denied that I had a problem (obviously admitting that I had a problem would far and away be admitting that he had one), but when he finally agreed with me he started crying. He said that he hated people and hated life and didn't see the point in anything. I have to agree with him.

Looking around me, I thought, life has prtty much lost all color. I have no faith that I'll finish even this semester in school. everything has become gray and dull. I want to remember how I enjoyed life before I did drugs and I can't. I seem to remember being an extremely introverted and unstable, depressive personality with overwhelming codependent personality traits. So what? So the person I am now, if you can believe it, is much more stable. I can socialize wtih equanimity, I'm no longer depressive (granted I am when I go through withdrawal symptoms), although I do display copdependent traits I am by far not the doormat I once was.

See, I hate to see addicts portrayed as these dirty, trembling, scary individuals. I am an addict, I admit that, but I am coherent during the week. I can speak and read and write clearly. I am facile with the language. The only problem is that if I don't have the drugs I perceive that I need, I do become that trembling (if not dirty) individual.

But the wonderful thing is that each day I deny myself I get better and it's easier to think about the future. things are not as cloudy as they were a week ago, isn't that strange? What a quick turnaround. I have isolated myself from the drug crowd. The only one I allow myself to be with is my boyfriend. He's gong away to do some business this weekend, so I won't be around even him. Which means I won't be around weed for the first time because being with him, I never had to buy my own.

I keep wondering, though, why I am the one who needs such rigid control. I know other people who actually literaly use drugs rereationally. They get high maybe once every 3 months, they roll twice a year. Why do I have to deny myself these things so completely? Is this the definition of the addictive personality?

Talking to Billy yesterday, we came to the conclusion that we are not addicted to a specific drug. In a pinch, when there's no dope, we'll just drink until we pass out, or snort prescription painkillers or roofies. It's like I have this yawning maw inside me that wants any drug.

I have noticed that when I smoke out, though, I won't do any other drugs. I don't feel the need. It really eases that gibbering hunger inside me, makes my withdrawal symptoms like tremors and cold sweats and gastric upset fade away. But when I do any other drug I always end up doing more. Am I just justifying my pot smoking? I don't know. I certainly am not brain dead or listless. I'm actually clear headed right now. It's a strange feeling. I don't really like it, to tell you the truth.

Cici

September 17, 1999
9:08 am
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hazza
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hi cici,
im proud of you girl!
when you confront people with the logic you applied a the hurricane party, it takes guts- you are standing up and saying "i make my dicisions not you"
there is a paul simon lyric i really love that sums this up for me from "still crazy after all these years" it goes "I will not be crucified by jury of my peers"
(listen to paul simon, cici i cant get enough of his music!!!)
this is what happens i think when we lose ourselves, we gauge us by the norm in our peer group, its just that sometimes the whole lot of you can be unhealthy.
I understand what you say about pot so much, i hoped that some many of my fears would magically disappear when i stoped smoking it, and i would be lying to say that they did, BUT i am a person who lives in my head anyway, it was too easy for me to just hang out all the time and do absooutely nothing when high. I do belive that had i never touched it i would not have had some many fears and phobias now, i cant prove that but i do feel that if like me you are prone to a nervous disposition then pot will will bring it on big time. I do know some people who can hold a job etc whilst being a smoker, but i know i am not that type of person.
The big problems you face with the pot are the social ones, i realised about a year before giving up pot that all the people i hung out with did nothing, said nothing that they hadn't said a thousand times before and totally bored me witless. Every conversation would be the same, every night. When i see these people now they still have the same inane conversations.
I think there are many different reason that people turn to drugs but with me and i think maybe you are similar, is that it feels like the first time i was accepted by people as being cool. Crap! before i started smoking big time, i left home with my (ex) partner at 17, travelled europe for 2-3 months, had jobs, did a language course in geneva. I came back to sit for years in the same room every night with people who had never left their hometown and had nothing to do except smoke and think they were better than those people who didn't. when i look back now i can see which part of my life was really what i would define as living!
Tears as always is so right, you will not be able to meet people as clever as you in a room full of high people, even if they can talk of the wonders of the world, they will never experience them sitting there smoking, neither will you.
your example of your friend going to prison says it all, you are a better frind to these people than they are to you, even now you would not let your frinds down, but you need to be your own best friend right now.
I have finally returned to my family, everything i rejected in them when i was a teenager is now saving me. I NEVER thought i would get on with my mother but now she is helpong me so much, If you have family that you can trust they let them help you, i know sometimes family dynamics are difficult and it is not always advisable to return to them, especially if they are themselves unhealthy or abusive. But if it is just that you lost contact with your family from your drug use and thay are basically good people who fould they couldn't help you in the past, then maybe now the time is right, may be now you are are ready for that. This was the case with me, it helps 2 ways, first it helps you change you life in respect to drugs and so on, also it helps heal the hurt if you felt unloved as achild, that same hurt that may have led you to get that love from unsuitable people. I dont know, im talking about me here, i dont know your life but you will know if you can relate to any of that or not.
you will know if your frinds care about you or not as you start to live your life for you, i found that one out, ironically the people i thought should hate me (family, ex partner who i unintentionally hurt) turned out to be the only ones who still care if im okay, the rest stopped calling as they found some other people to smoke dope with, you see it didn't matter who they share a room with while they get high, they dont even seem to notice when the people change as long as there is someone there so THEY are not alone!! again my experience, my life only.
for me it really hurt for about a year that these "friends" turned out to be phoneys, now i don't care at all, my cat is a better friend to me than they ever were. but remember this is a long term investment in you, it will pay off in the long run
take care
Hazza

September 17, 1999
11:18 am
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Dear Ruya:
Your articulated honesty is refreshing and pure. I understand that you feel happier and more self confident high, but the price is also high. It IS the price of your soul, literally. It robs you every time you do it.
My bro is clean for the first time in ohhh 20 yrs from what he tells me. HE is now facing everything, his fears about dying, his illness (aids and hep c) his empty life, his regrets....god what courage.
I pray that you never let yourself get to this stage.
We all have a purpose on this earth Ruya, your job is to discover what that is. Our main purpose is to develop our soul. The ONLY way of doing this is to face lifes challenges FACE ON not crawl under your "fuzzy blanket" as you put it.
Things look grey for you because you obviously have an underlying depression that you have never dealt with. This could also be the cause of your introversion or your introversion could be the cause of your depression.
Whatever the case may be, you need to deal with this stuff that is eating at your soul and bring it to the forefront. Say yes, I understand I have some underlying issues, some negative feelings, perhaps some grief, defintely some depression and some unexpressed needs. When you take the drugs, it quiets the voice of your soul, as it calls out to you to be satiated. Overeating is the same thing. Any addiction serves the same purpose. Many of us are afraid to see what we have lurking within us that is causing this huge hole to gape hugely and in need of being filled (food, drugs, relationship addiction)
Your codependency stuff is just another addiction, need to control others and situations so as to not feel out of control. Perhaps this is how you felt in your home of origin, out of control. There may have been chaos, alcoholism, abuse..whatever. These unhealthy childhood environments create feelings of emptiness and the need for rigid outer control and outer seeking of love.
First of all you should be talking witha a doctor in respects to your getting clean and dealing with your psyche. A codependency group, therapist or some REAL friends made from a real healthy group of people. Perhaps you can tie this in with taking up a hobby/activity that you really enjoy. I find "morning pages" journal writing as soon as you get up in the morning is fantastic, just free flowing writing expressing yourself on paper will reveal buried parts of your psyche that you never knew existed. Do not edit, or go back and change anything. Just write as if you are in a n altered state. Just relax, breathe, and let the pen flow across the paper...revealing your soul to you. This is such a healing activity and is as good as any therapy. (i still recommend a counselor) I know its hard to get good counselling now a days because it is expensive. The reason our society is so dependent upon psychs, counsellors etc is because our "modern" society has become so disconnected from itself, its sickening and sad. We call ourselves a so called civilized society, but i see more civil behavior in some of the so called "primitive" tribes...no drugs problems, no crimes against each other, no hate..
Our families are broken, we no longer help raise each others children, we are disconnected from each other by tv, fax, computer (actually the internet can be a wonderful tool for connecting us)
But you understand what i mean. The tribal ways and family life has some positive aspects that prevent depression, stress etc. Depression is mainly caused by being alienated from others and yourself, so are phobias. Our western society has lost site of the true meaning of life while we are scurrying hectically like ants looking to fill our homes with possessions, compeiting against our fellow man rather than cooperating with him/her, many people are far from their souls voice as they shoot up, pop, smoke or drink their true voice away.
That brings me back to ruya, sorry i was digressing, honey you will understand what i mean by listening to your true voice. IT is starting to whisper to you right now, it is heavy and weary, depressed and anxious, grey and fallen....but it is still there and, believe me under all that heavy stuff is a joyeous, divine soul just waiting for you to take off that heavy blanket. Sure your drugs were a fuzzy warm blanket, but that blanket was also suffocating your soul. Have the courage to listen to her. Blessings

September 17, 1999
9:43 pm
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VRJ
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Fantastic stuff you guys!
All addictions are basically alike. The substance of the addiction is only a small part of the addiction - 5-10 % they say. The personality that goes with it is the big part.
All addicts can relate to that little asshole on your shoulder telling you'it's ok, do it, why not, you deserve it, noone cares anyway, etc.' It's cute to think of it as that little asshole but we have to realize that the little asshole is really ourselves and we are responsible for dealing with it.
And, even if you aren't practicing the addiction you may still be thinking it. E.g., gambling - I'll bet I can make it to the airport before the flight leaves. I don't have to leave when everyone else is. Even though you're not physically doing it, you're thinking it which is just as bad. It distorts your thinking. Once you start to recognize the distortions, and it's not easy if you've been thinking that way so long that it seems normal, you can start to make the changes in your character that are required to be healthy.
An addiction also removes you from life. Life goes on but you are separate and apart. You aren't moving with it. If life is to live and learn and love and grow and change, the addict is stopped dead. You have to get back on. You have to face the things you were avoiding. That is God's purpose and plan. And it's not easy. Noone said it would be. But it is definitely worth it, in self esteem, clear thinking, a future so wonderful you can't even imagine (especially in an addiction infected mind), and in truly feeling life, good and bad.
I hope I didn't get too intense here - just some thought I've come across in my recovery.
Blessings.

September 18, 1999
3:06 pm
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What is this thing that lives inside of me? This is the thing that feels the deperation. I can remember sitting in a circle months ago doing whippits watching everyone's eyes follow me with the gaunt hunger, hoping that I'll see in their eyes that they desperately need to calm that raging, devouring feeling inside. When I do drugs, I feel like I'm not myself for a little while. I feel like I can escape myself.

My sister asked me why I wanted to hurt myself so much. I really didn't give it much thought. Then when I sat down and did think about it, it was true. I think deep down inside all addicts hate themselves. They hate the depths that they'll sink to to get the drugs. My best friend even stole money from his parents and his younger brothers. I stole money and prescription drugs from my parents. I've started to think that I'll never be able to forgive myself for the way I've been and the things I've done. I do hate myself.

I've sunk very low, right now, I think. Last night it was so hard to say no. I wanted to do something, anything, so badly I felt nauseous. My hands shake constantly now. I can't sleep. I hate therapists, though. My parents sent me to rehab earlier this year and I hated the therapist. She just sat there like a lump and handed me sleeping pills and Wellbutrin and told me I was situationally depressed and I needed to destress my life. Blah! Sometimes I hate people so much. I hate the way they can be so shallow.

Some people are, you know. There are shallow drug users, to, I'll give you that, but the rest of them are tormented by some demons that follow them. You never get away from it, either. You just keep moving, keep going forwad, trying to distract yourself from what you know is lurking there behind you or deep down inside you.

I'll never get away from them. But I can keep them at bay an hush them.

September 18, 1999
5:02 pm
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You Can get away from them Cici, and you need to forgive yourself girl..I will write more tonight. I am on my way out. Love ya

September 18, 1999
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When you do drugs, you do escape yourself, and life. You say you want to escape yourself. Why? You are a beautiful child of God! Do you think there is anything so bad that you can't be forgiven? Would a loving father leave his child? No, no, no. You were put here for a purpose, and every choice you have made can turn out for the good. Start listening to the quiet voice inside of you instead of the loud one screaming at you. Stop trying to control anything. Soon you will be making good choices (you are already)and then you will find that maybe being you is ok and you don't need to escape. Do try to not hate yourself. The fact that you are reaching out, and trying, and admitting your faults proves that you are progressing. Find a higher power that you can believe in, whether it be God or just the goodness that is inside you and give everything up to that being. Trust them to guide you. You can do it. Blessings.

September 20, 1999
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This weekend was pretty good. I ended up not going out friday or saturday, and this was pretty much the first weekend I've done that. I stayed away from the whole scene. I hung out with friends until like 2am when they finally went out on friday and saturday I went to the football game here. I talked to one of my friends who said I need to learn how to have "sober fun".

Every day I don't do anything, it gets easier to say no. I start to forget how it feels to do certain drugs and then I don't want to do them any more. I just don't want anything bad to happen that would result in me falling prey to that hunger again. My parents have noticed an improvement in me, they even commented on it.

I feel better today than I have in the past two weeks.

September 20, 1999
11:20 am
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wow cici what an inspiration you are!!!!!!! I knew you could start on that path to true happiness!!!!!!!!!
Just think of all the people you will help through inspiration and setting an example (including younger siblings if you have any) and all the people that come here and read the substance abuse thread and are abusing themselves. Think of what your words mean to them!!!!!! You are a true hero!!!!!! Blessings

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