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stuck in same spot again
March 24, 2007
10:41 am
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torn_inside
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I posted on here a while ago when my bf of 3 years left me. He smokes marijuana religously and I just wanted to help him. He left me for a girl to smoke with. I slowly moved on, but I feel like my heart will always belong to him. I am very weak to him and he knows it. He came back in my life, not wanting to date again, but just to be friends. So I did, but we quickly went right back to the way we used to be. He smokes all day, I work, go to school and pay for almost everything of his. I try to be strong to him, but he knows just how to get me to give in.

This time, I am really trying to look at things from an outside view. I love this man with all my heart, but I want to get my life settled down. I want to get married, have kids and get a house. I am 25 years old and I feel like I don't have any more time to waste on him. I think he just uses me, but is very convincing that he loves me. Some times I feel like I am too old to move on and persue a new relationship. Many people my age are married and settled. Should I just hope that he changes, and does love me, or am I setting myself up for another heartbreak all over and just wasting my time. I need to make a decison quickly before I let more time slip by. Any advise for me is welcomed. Thanks

March 24, 2007
11:22 am
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penny lane
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Dear Torn Inside

You are too precious for words....at 25 you are not too old to move on..your world is spread out before you. As human beings I am amazed at how we cannot look beyond today ...that we feel age is a barrier. I am 57 years old and feel the same way ..that I am too old to move ahead....nonsense to both of us.

This man is not for you today...the fact that he uses holds him down and you as well...you do not owe him your vitality, ambition, love, caring if he cannot bring equal amounts to the table. MOVE ON...keep hold of what you want and you will find it.

March 24, 2007
11:32 am
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risingfromtheashes
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dear torn,

consider this - many people your age are JUST finishing college...and starting the next chapter in their lives.

It is NOT too late.

I am 35 and STILL starting over...I wish I had your wisdom at your age. I am only NOW feeling like I really wasted alot of time.

Age wise, you are in a good place...you have learned some good things about life...learned the ins and outs...set some goals...now it's the time to reach for those goals, apply what you learned.

You are absolutely right...you ARE wasting time with him. At this point, he is not about to change...maybe some day, but not today.

The only way to get off this merry go round is to get off...make the concious decision to get off...use your willpower to stay gone.

No matter how much you love someone who is an addict, THEIR ADDICTION comes FIRST...their first love is pot...you will always come second.

Put yourself first...he's not going to...and believe that you deserve so much better.

I spent 5 years in on again off again relationships with guys who promise the world, but deliver squat....and I won't do it again.

Just remember, you are very young, have your whole life ahead of you and now is the time to make good decisions that will put you where you want to be in the future.

March 24, 2007
1:01 pm
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chelonia mydas
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(((Torn)))

I didn't graduate from college until I was 29. You can start over at any point in your life. 25 is still very young, you are barely a quarter of the way through your life.

I would advise you to cut your losses with this pothead and run. You are such an intelligent, caring and capable person who has so much to offer the world. Don't waste your time and talents on this person. He will just smoke it all away and in the end all you will have left is ashes. Instead go out on your own and let yourself be appreciated and make a difference for this planet. There are many venues where you can use your caring and nuturing to help others in ways that won't drag you down and be wasted. Invest in yourself first and you will find others who will value you for you.

I know it is hard. I am leaving my husband of 10 years- we were together for a total of 14. There were some good things, but mostly catered to his needs and now I am in my 30s and starting over, but discovering how free I am without him now.

Sending you positive energy to help you through this difficult time,
Chelonia

March 24, 2007
10:38 pm
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2shy
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torn,

I was in similar situation with my gambling ex-boyfriend. My ex had a gambling addiction and there I was enabling him. I was hoping that he would change. I desperated wanted to get married and settle down. I am 36 years old. I wasted 4 years with him. When someone is in an active addiction it is diffult for him to love you because they cannot love themself. Why do you want to waste more time with him and have him bring you down emotionally and financially.

I want to share this letter with you. Someone on this site shared it with me. It has helped me pull away from my ex.

Here it is:

March 24, 2007
10:47 pm
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2shy
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torn,

I was in similar situation with my gambling ex-boyfriend. My ex had a gambling addiction and there I was enabling him. I was hoping that he would change. I desperated wanted to get married and settle down. I am 36 years old. I wasted 4 years with him. When someone is in an active addiction it is diffult for him to love you because they cannot love themself. Why do you want to waste more time with him and have him bring you down emotionally and financially.

I want to share this letter with you. Someone on this site shared it with me. It has helped me pull away from my ex.

Here it is:

WHAT ADDICTS DO:

My name is -----. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behaviour. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool for me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my addiction that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you, and steal from you.

My behaviour cannot and will not change until I make a decision to stop smoking marjuana and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decision I will hurt you again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.

March 25, 2007
1:02 am
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jewel
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Me, personally, I would walk out of this relationship. Or more like it run. It sounds to me that he is taking advantage of you and thinks that you will always be there to help him out. Don't be there. You are not obligated to pay for all his stuff while he gets high. I am 26 years old and have settled down. I am engaged and would like to have children and a house too. You are not too young for that. You need to get rid of this loser and find a man who will treat you right.

Love,

Jewel

March 25, 2007
3:08 am
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hbdude2k
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Damn, only 25? Your just a kid still. You should move forward, take control of yourself, don't be a whimp to yourself and just kick your emotions to the curb for this dude. Obviously he knows how to live off you. He knows you are lusting over him. If you truly loved him, you would be moving on. This is just a lust problem only because your self confidence is very low and you are so vulnerable right now. Why start over? Because you need to. Very simple. Tell you what, give yourself a 90day no contact with him or other guys that want you and you go out and find yourself, make yourself happy. If you have clarity, you will be barfing in the toilet wondering how the hell you tried to love this guy. You need clarity sister....You will never change a man. They will remain themselves forever. One of these days, all its going to take is for him to leave the dope in your car and you get pulled over and they find it, they will take you to jail. You do not want that. Its very rough in jail. Don't be a loser, just move forward down the smart aisle.

March 25, 2007
3:22 pm
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thedogsmom
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(((torn inside)))

you're only 'stuck' in the same spot if you decide to stay stuck and keep doing what you are doing-which is " hoping that he will change"

You sound like you know what you want out of life and I congratulate you for pushing forward and going to school and paying your own way.

I know that you love him and would like to see him change his behavior so HE can be that part of your married life dream. But many of us speak from our experiences from loving an addict and we know that- wishing and hoping and praying and WAITING for him to change...will leave you STUCK in the life with him you have now.

He is an addict and likes the drug he is using-- enough to have given up the relationship with you the first time. You took him back -but things are not better because he is addicted.
HE doesn't have a problem with it. YOU have a problem with him using drugs and not paying his share.

You cannot FORCE him to quit and start doing the right thing. If we had this kind of control over anothers behavior, feelings or actions we would all have LOVERS that love and appreciate us- just by wishing and hoping and expressing our needs to them.

SO given that you can't control his behavior and you feel you have tried and talked and given him the opportunity to meet your needs- you have to decide IF you can accept that this is all you may EVER get from life with him.

If you can still enjoy your life and NOT let his smoking make you upset and angry and bother you-- then hang in there with him and enjoy your moments with him. And stop looking as your time with him as a 'waste' of time since you are enjoying your life with him.

If you know yourself well enough to know that you WILL NOT tolerate a man who is addicted to drugs and the irresponsibility that goes along with that life.... And if you know that you NEED him to CHANGE to be the kind of man you would/could/should marry---
then you need to just find the strength to leave him- so you won't feel like time is running out and you are 'wasting' your life.

That is the hard part. Doing something we know isn't what we really WANT- and doing the thing we KNOW will break our hearts and leave us lonely and confused and end "that dream".

This is where I am at now...
STUCK in the miserable life of living with an addict without the courage to go through with the hard part. Giving up on trying to change him and moving on. I DO feel as IF I have WASTED 3 years with him- because I have been UNHAPPY for about 3 years on an almost daily basis. I REGRET NOT having stuck to my guns and QUIT the relationship when I first found out about his drugs. I'm still trying to take my own advice. 😉
Hang in there
TDM

March 25, 2007
3:44 pm
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atalose
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Torn,

It's always hard to give up or get over your first love. This love taugh you how wonderful it feels to have that special someone in your life. This love taugh you how comforting it is to feel loved and needed. That's what first loves do, they teach us. Its what love taugh you not this guy that is keeping you stuck. Wanting to be loved and in a loving relationship. That is not what you are feeling lately though, all those things you learned to feel that felt so right and good are not happening with this guy. All those things you want in life, to get married, have kids and a house is not going to happen with this guy.
Be thankful to this guy for the lessons about love he was able to bring into your life but be greatful you realize no matter how much it may hurt you now, that he is not the one to follow through on all those things about love you seek.
When you say many people your age are married and settled do any of them smoke pot all day and have there wives work and pay all the bills???

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

March 25, 2007
8:07 pm
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realitygirl
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Hey!
You sound like a lady that can take care of herself. You deserve someone that is your equal, not someone who sponges off of you.

Unfortunately, I had a man like that in my first marriage. I stayed single for years, doing the things I wanted and becoming emotionally healthy. You might want to do the same thing, as I now have a healthy second marrriage.

Good luck!
Let us know how you are doing.

March 25, 2007
8:53 pm
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dustpuff
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There are so many good answers for you here. Most of us have been where you have been or worse. I love an addict though I love him from afar now. The no contact thing, try it. You will soon learn that life is so much easier and better without them. You will look back and think "WHY? Why did I let myself get sucked back into this?" You will kick yourself if you are not already! I am not going to go on about my LONG story. It would make a good heart breaking novel.

You definately don't want kids with this man. Look at the values he will be teaching them. Is he a father your future children can look up to? Is he someone you would be proud of to take to the company picnic?

I am 35 and met my X about the same age as you are except I had already had a failed marriage with a drug addict. I was getting my life together, graduating college. I pretty much had the world there for the taking. Then I met my X and thought "he is a great guy" Ok he smoked a little pot now and again. You know that pot went on to pills, to cocaine, to crack, to heroin. I stuck by him through all of that because "I loved him" I threw a great part of my life away and time with my children not to mention the values and habits that my children saw. I am now trying like hell to show them how wrong it was.

Don't end up like me. Don't regret the last 10 years of your life. Honey, you are so young. Get out there and travel, see the world, I guarantee that your married friends will be jealous! They will wish they had done that. Oh, don't get me wrong they have their happiness but think of the stories you can tell your kids.

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