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Struggling with Angry Dry Drunk Son
July 24, 2013
11:12 pm
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Covitch
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My son has made attempts to kill himself three times and the last one I got him into the psyche ward. He began drinking I have recently discovered when he was 12 or so. Now at 39 he says he has been sober for years. However, from an early age he has consistently been a liar. He is currently in a half way house and has lost everything he owned, including his relationship.

I do not get involved in his choices other than giving him a $300 loan to get his new life set up which I have required him to repay at 40$ a month. As is the usual story, he has lost job after job. Sometimes he was caught stealing. Currently he has a very good job but has now started to complain about those he works with. It is a typical pattern.

He flips out suddenly at times. Twice recently I have taken him to the Mall to give him a ride so he can buy something to make his life easier... he pays. However, he is down right nasty when I pick him up and talks condenscendingly and with anger. He tells me he only does this with me because I am "safe" to show his anger .

 

I have told him it hurts me when he storms off ahead of me at the mall throwing a fit. He apologized once afterward. I do not offer him unsolicited advice. I do not "check up" on him. I have refused to give him a ride when it is not convenient for me. Because he keeps talking about killing himself and because he was nearly successful two months ago, I am fearful of just leaving him when he is so rude.

It has gotten to a point where I don't want to interact with him at all and yet I want deeply to support his growth.

He talks about how he hates people, how no one listens to him and yet he makes mean spirited "jokes" constantly. He does not own the responsibility for the life he has created.

 

His sister and I are both very, very sad and confused. He has an aa sponsor and seems to be attending meetings.

We both believe his may have borderline personality disorder as well as dry drunk rage.

The major way I communicate with him is to answer his texts so that I don't have to endure the explosions.

Can you out there who have navigated these waters offer some advice? My major focus is to lay back, stay calm and let him make his mistakes but when he asks for my help, I feel angry when he treats me with disrepect.

the mother

July 25, 2013
3:34 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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Dear Struggling,

I am also a parent (3) & I also have one that is in the clutches of a substance abuse addiction.  I have caught him in lies & he was very truant from school last year.  He is nearly 17 & I cannot imagine taking care of him at age 39.  I understand as a Mother why you perhaps have allowed him to continue being as he is, particularly in your case because of the fear of him really trying to take his own life.  He likely does suffer from some emotional disorder.  What your son does & how he behaves towards you is very similar to the way by middle son treats me.  I don't have any advice but I think you must try to just let him cope on his own now because at his age if he has not found a way to understand his mistakes and learn from what he has done repeatedly, then I imagine he never will.  You must understand that you did your best for him as a parent.  You can most certainly have a relationship with him provided he claims his own life troubles & does not involve you in them in any way except to talk to you about them.  You have a right to be spoken to with respect.  In fact if he is telling you that you are the only one that it is "safe" to show his anger to, then he is abusing you.  That is a little unfair if you ask me.  You are his Mother, not his punching bag.  Tell him with an "I statement" that you wish to be spoken to with respect.

I know you will always worry about him, but if you enable his negative behaviour, it will never stop.  There might not be much hope left for him & his life choices, but you should not take that as a sign that you were not a good parent.

 

I hope your son decides to go and get some real help and decides it is time to grow up & own his own life.

 

One Day

September 18, 2013
5:07 am
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Alanon is a support group for people who are dealing with alcoholics.

September 23, 2013
2:41 am
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casabella
Laguna Beach, CA
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I believe either you will have to leave him all together or do something concrete for his condition.He needs help,there are no two opinions on that,well,the best you can do for him is to put him in a rehab center and that to far away from home so that you can have a little peace of mind and he gets to know what missing home is,as he has never valued you or the home.Let us hope for the best.

September 23, 2013
3:20 am
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No one can make a choice for an adult to go to a rehab or to get treatment for alcohol abuse unless they are a judge who has the power to make it an order of the court. A person who chooses to allow an alcoholic into their life and then complains about how the alcoholics behavior has a negative impact on their life needs counseling as much as the alcoholic does. The definition of a person who thinks it is their responsiblity to help an alcoholic is and enabler. An alcoholic is capable of taking care of themself the same way an enabler is capable of taking care of themself the only difference is an alcoholic chooses not to and an enabler does not respect an alcoholics choice to be irresponsible. An enabler can choose to navigate their way out of an alcoholics life the same way they chose to navigate their way into an alcoholics life. 

January 4, 2014
10:31 am
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aaronwebvizards
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It is really pity to know the situation you are facing or going through, but trust me rehab centers are there to helps addicts to come out of addiction, as AA team is working in full cooperation & tries their best to get back people on soberity path.

January 6, 2014
6:58 pm
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Siled1988
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Such a sad story. So sorry for what happened to you and your family, and hope it goes well now. So how are you doing now?

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