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Struggling..trying to find myself..I'm lost...Soulsister
June 11, 2006
7:54 am
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1lost1
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June 11, 2006
9:51 pm
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1lost1
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Soul.... Are you alright?

My thoughts are with you!!

June 12, 2006
11:24 am
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Soulsister
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Hi 1lost1...

I've here this not so lovely Monday morning. I've been very negative..Pmsing I think..well, as of today..I know.

I'm just tired of my life. I don't want to go to his trial Wed. It's just so hard for me to keep everything together, when I have to take care of his crap, too.
I get really negative and down about everything..this time of the month..I probably would anyway..just because.

I taled to his other son's mother yesterday. I asked her if she's been clean and sober. She said she hadn't used after the kids were taken. WHich was 18 months. THen, she said, well I take that back..I used with "B". My heart sunk..I'm sick..that he had an influence on her..in regardst ohis child..and just that I didn't know..I was so hurt. I talked to him about it. He taol me she was lying and to ask her brother. I believe her for some reason. Now, he's mad and me..and I don't care. He asked me why I'm so negative. Gee..I really don't f-n know why..my life is just f-n lovely!

I told him..maybe I need him sometimes. He said, well, I'm in here, I really can't do anything. You know..all he has to do is reassure me..tell me he loves me. He doesn't. He just closes up..tells me I'm negative. God, I just want someone to care about ME!!I think back..and he was NEVER there for me...NEVER!! Not, ever, when I needed him.

Sorry, just very down..hurt..lonely..tired..doubtful..disappointed..and every other bad feeling there is...

Struggling with my older son..in school. He is in a lot of trouble. His dad was no help. I don't know if I can handle three. I'm mad at his stupid parents for not getting their shit together..and to think they used together..just makes me want to puke. That, I'm going to get the son..they didn't put first. Now, part of me doesn't want to be responsible for him.

I'm going on and on...I guess, I'm just journaling........

June 12, 2006
3:24 pm
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smarterone
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Soul, you can go on all you want. I have been there. Thats why i say, take care of yourself. I was so wrapped up in trials and sendinghim money and legal letters and all this differnet stuff. The collect calls, the threats if you didnt do anything. They never appreciate it either. . You need to get what you need to do for yourself to secure your future. When he gets out he isnt capable of taking careof you cause they havae to get their life together. I find that when they get out it still all about them.
They have a way of turning everything around so you look like the nut. Dont get upset what i am saying, i did this for five years.

June 12, 2006
8:00 pm
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((((soul))))

Sweetie, you are a strong woman. I believe you will get through all this. The here and now sucks. Been there, doing that!

I am very proud of you. I see the struggles you go through and yet you have always found a way to pick yourself up.

Find the positive things in your life and remember how they happened.

Is there a school counselor that can help you with your son? What about acholl psychologist to give you ideas?

Take it step by step love. I am here for you! Remember you are loved here!

1L1

June 12, 2006
9:33 pm
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Soulsister
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Thank you both..for the encouragement and understanding...

I do really good taking care of myself..when I'm not getting pulled down.

Smarterone..What you say doesn't upset me. I know what you mean..I have done well..everytime I've just taken care of myself. When I'm not being pulled down by someone and their problems and addictions. The bad thing is then I'm alone and don't have love. I know I can do it. I am thankful, that I own my home and my kids are healthy..I know I do have a lot to be thankful for. I am very afraid to keep giving him money..and not to find someone else to love..and have him get out of there and be even more of a burden.

Thank you, 1lost1..thank you for the support and encouragement..and faith. I do know I am capable of getting through all of this. YOu know..some days are really fine..and other days..I just can't take anymore. I really can't wait until this week is over..Trial is Wed/Thurs..and I am not as emotional as I was earlier. School will be out..so, I wn't be dealing with that for a while.

My son turned in a report..that was supposed to be on Lewis and Clark Expedition...it said that the report was stupid and so was school..and that when he grows up he is going to be against education. blah..blah blah..at first I was upset..because the school was so upset. Now, I'm thinking..yes..he should be in trouble..but to get kicked out of school for the rest of the year...just seems a bit extreme to me. I had rewrite the report..write an apology letter and he's grounded..and he's been cleaning his room for two days...no playing....just chores. THe Disciplianarian (sp) wanted me to call her at 7:00 this morning..and she didn't come to school today..so..he dedn't get to go. I don;t think he should miss school..what is that going to teach him??
Anyway..any thougth on this would be appreciated. Is this a bit extreme??? He didn't use foul language or threaten someone..he wrote a report about his opinion...when he should have just done the report.

Thank you both for everything..love Soul

June 12, 2006
9:39 pm
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(((soul))) I'm sorry you're having a rough time...hang in there.

I agree that the punishment your son received was a bit harsh. Suspensions from school are usually for fighting, and things of that nature. It seems to me that his words are a cry for help...and a good teacher/principal would have seen that. He is screaming to them that he just doesn't see the point in all of this, and he needs someone to recognize all that he is going through. I think the school counselor should be involved, at the very least. I know you don't need one more thing to deal with right now, but maybe it will be a diversion from other things that you have no control over.

I'll keep praying for you...

June 13, 2006
12:28 am
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Soulsister
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Thank you Ready...I appreciate the support. You know..My son had the best teacher last year...He had 9 E's which is like an A ..this year he's getting F's. It's so discouraging. He is very smart..but he really doesn't like his teacher. He does great with the right teacher. I hope next year he has one that he gets along with.

June 13, 2006
10:10 am
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1lost1
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Soul, the stress appears to be attacking him also. I think we as parents forget how attatched our kids get to our emotional ups and downs.

My little one becomes a very emotional child when I am stressing.

I think your son is just releasing his emotions in a safe, healthy way. There is no reason to keep a child from school if he is just showing what he is feeling. I am with you, what does that show him? Not to show his feelings, bottle it up.

My prayers are with you...1L1

June 13, 2006
1:29 pm
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readyforachange
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soul...the teacher makes all the difference in the world. Where I work, parents have a right to request a specific teacher for their child if they feel the personalities would work well together. With all he is going through at home, I think you are within your rights to talk to the principal and counselor and let them know how important you feel it is for him to have an understanding, supportive teacher. And don't think other parents aren't up there doing the same thing!

you're in my thoughts and prayers, honey...

June 14, 2006
9:05 am
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1lost1
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(((Soul)))

🙂 to better days!!!

June 14, 2006
10:30 am
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Soul, honey i know what you are feeling. Confusion, you love him, you dont want to take care of him, where was he when you need him. Blah blah blah, and all of it is true. I left after 5 years, cause i know that the same life was waiting when he gets out. Macho, jailtime made me strong, you aremy woman, all that crap. I got used to being alone and the same problems are with me whether he is ther or not. One thing more, i didnt know that my son would be affected by all of this. Thisis not his father. My son, is the most confused rebellious person. He is 29, and as you may see in other posts, on crack, now living on streets. Sometimes he brings up to me, why shouldnt i talk to yo like this, you let the convict talk to you bad. They know everything we are feeling and have ways to expressit. Take care of yourself.

June 15, 2006
11:38 am
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Soulsister
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2nd day of trial....I'm just shut down...no second plea bargain.. just one plea bargain..and now trial. I'm going again today..pretty sure he'll be found guilty of most cahrges if not all. Listened to the happenings...during the time he disppeared..for almost two months. All of the testimony..about his girlfriend..hurt pretty bad. I'm having a really hard time with it...he would be with her if it wasn't for how things ended up.

Anyway..gotta go to the courthouse...

tell more later...Saren

June 16, 2006
9:21 am
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1lost1
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Sweetie, I wish I could be there with you. I think you really need some support right now.

Try not to worry too much about the future. Take it day by day. One issue at a time.

I didn't know about the g/f. I missed that somewhere, I apologize. My personal opinion sweets is...If you feel he would be with her rather then you if things were different, then why stay? I know you love him, look at me, I do stupid sh-- because of how my heart is.

I just want you to be safe. Let me know if I can help you. I am here for you!!!

((((Saren)))) 1L1

June 16, 2006
11:42 am
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Soulsister
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Gosh..I accidentally put my real name..I actually noticed that last night. Not a common one either..the only person who really knew it was Blyxx..whom has become my great friend..anyway..ooops!!

Yes..when he disappeared..he had spent the night with me, on a Friday..told me he loved me..of course he looked like hell..from the drugs but I didn;t care..I loved him..I didn't really see it..love is blind...I knew..but I still loved him...

He left..told me he loved me..and he would come back the next night..he never did..I called him..he said he was sorry..and I didn't hear from him for about a month and a half or so. I had heard that..he was with someone else. I wasn't actually, sure..unitl I asked him..after his arrest. It hurt like hell..he even told me that "she" needed him and I didn't. I bawled for two weeks..still do sometimes. He even had her on his visiting list..and one girl who knows her..actually, asked me if I knew his girlfriend. Talk about a stab in th heart. He even had me three way a call to her..I listened and he told her he loved her..and vise versa..I freaked out..and hung up on them..wouldn't take his calls. I even called her..and told her he was telling us he loved us noth. She said "Well, I'm his girlfirned. And he told me he would always love you..you are the mother of his child" She never went and saw him..because she had a warrant..and she wrote him once. The girl who asked me about her in the jail..said "Oh..or are you his girlfriend?" I said " Yes, I am his girlfriend.and this is his son..and I know of the girl you are talking about" so, I wouldn't look like a complete fool. THis druggy looking girl..was visiting someone else..and she said.."WEll, I've never like Correy..so, it will give me pleasure to tell her I saw and talked to his "girlfriend" when she was visiting him. So, I told "B" he had to take her off his list..he supposedly wrote her a ltter telling her..he loved me..I don't know if he did..but, I guess I know that he loves me..and he writes me letters telling me he made a mistake., and that he will never leave the light of my love, again..or something like that. But, I'm not sure that things wouldn't be different..had he not gotten caught..and needed me..so..I have so much doubt..

Oh, and that young guy I was with..I was with him..the night..after I heard "B" tell her he loved her. I did it..because I was hurt..and wanted to hurt him..and I justified it..because he had been with this girl.

Now, she is in the same jail...lovely..eh??

Such a lovely life...

Sorry..such a long post...it's amazing what you will actually allow yourself to put up with..things you never imagined you would..and then you do....

I know 1lost1..you know "exactly" what I'm talking about...

Love Soul

June 16, 2006
12:00 pm
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1lost1
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I sure do know what you are talking about...

Just when I think my world is going to get better, I allow madness inside.

Wish I could give you advice on this situation that would help. It is a hard choice. It seems you should think about all the positives and negatives and then make a decision.

That is what I am trying to do..Very hard!!!

I am praying for you Soul...1L1

June 16, 2006
12:11 pm
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Soulsister
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Hi..1lost1..how are you???

I think about you...wondering how you are...when I'm in my world..and not here...

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