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Struggling..trying to find myself..I'm lost...Soulsister
May 27, 2006
5:38 pm
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loving
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I think I'm going to go to bed now and will probably feel better in the morning. You too.....

Will no doubt catch up on here again soon.

Have a good evening everyone.
L xx

May 27, 2006
5:42 pm
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Anonymous
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I hear ya', Loving. And if you thought anything the way I did, I felt that I was somehow "earning" my love from them. I felt since this is how I expressed my love for them, why didn't they return it in the same fashion.

May 27, 2006
5:43 pm
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loving
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sounds familiar....

May 27, 2006
5:45 pm
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Soulsister
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SOrry..I was getting ready...I'm catching up now..be back after I reald all the posts..

May 27, 2006
5:49 pm
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loving
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I think some people just take everything for granted - been loved, cared about etc and don't make the effort or sensitivity to return it appreciating that you might need it too.

Thing is, in my experience, when I've had enough and walk away or whatever, THEN they realise what they had, fall apart, resent you etc but by then the damage is usually done and it's too late to go back for me - love dies if it's not nurtured. At least mine does. Pain kills it really in the end.

May 27, 2006
5:53 pm
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Soulsister
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Sounds..Very...very..familiar...

Loving..sleep well..would love to talk to you again...I'm here...

Jen.. Wow are we similar..age..ex's..so much...going down such similar roads...

Everything you say,is so much how I feel...

I really tried to move on..had other boyfriends..nothing felt right..nothing felt as good as being with him..Everything, has always pointed me down the same path as him..as if I'm supposed to save him..Sounds dumb I know..

There is a story I told Blyxx..about how I met "B"..If I can find it on all of our posts, I'll tell you the date..but wierd things happen to me..that point me to people..sometimes..I feel like that is what I am supposed to do..and that it really isn't about me..You know what I'm saying??

May 27, 2006
5:57 pm
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loving
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SS,

Thanks - I think I will sleep really well tonight and will speak with you again soon.

You and Jen can chat as you seem to have similar stories and can help each other.

Nite ....

May 27, 2006
6:05 pm
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Anonymous
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I understand you, SS. I think for me, I wouldn't be able to be with someone else, right now, because it would only make me miss my XF. When I'm alone, I don't miss him as much.

Just like last week, when XH was here. I hadn't been even thinking about XF, until XH showed up. Something about my XH REALLY made me miss XF!! I started to remember the calm, gentle and quiet ways about him, and I DEEPLY missed him.

But I know that the only reason I was missing him that terribly, was because my XH was here, and being his ol' loud and obnoxious self! After he left, I went back to NOT missing anyone!

So I think that if I were with someone right now, it would only be a rebound (or a replacement) and it would only cause me more pain. I have to allow myself to heal from this last one, before I even think about moving into another. I don't have that fear of being alone, although I know that it's a very common feeling to have as a codependent. I think I was more afraid of being "without him", then I was being alone.

May 27, 2006
6:12 pm
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Soulsister
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Jen,

This is kind of wierd..I'm wanting to tell you this story..about me with 11:11..and BLyxx's thread says 111..coincidence..I think not..haahaa!

Anyway, I looked it up..it's may 6 7th and 8th on his old thread "ordinary boy" and his new thread "ordinary boy part 2" the posts between him and I about 11:11 and white Dove, also.

The main one starts out..

"Yippee a breakthrough" to BLyxx, anyway, if you find the time to read them..it is kinda strange about blyxx and 11:11 and his parents..and me and "B"..So, strange.

So, I feel a similar connection with Blyxx..as a sign..that I was meant to become good friends with him...

Let me know, what you think..I've got to go get my butt in gear..to go to a bday party at 5:00. It was really nice talking to you..hope to talk again, soon.

Love Soul

May 27, 2006
6:15 pm
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Anonymous
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Have fun, SS! Chat with ya' later.

May 27, 2006
6:15 pm
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Soulsister
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I understand..about the difference between..fear of being alone..or just fear of being "without him" ..very much think I feel similar..

Talk to you later....S

May 27, 2006
10:44 pm
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1lost1
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(((soul)))

May 28, 2006
1:08 pm
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Soulsister
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Thanks for the hug..1lost1...I believe you are at work right now..hope all is well...tell that ex of yours..to kiss your a**...Love ya..soul

Jen...where are you...Riding the range?? YEEHAW! HAAHAA!!

Loving..where did you go?? I wonder what time it is in London? Right..London? How cool!!

(((hugs))) to you all....Soul

May 28, 2006
2:48 pm
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Hey, Soul, I just posted to you on my other thread! (((HUGS)))

Jen

May 28, 2006
9:01 pm
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1lost1
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I will tell him soul... Thanks sweetie!

big (((hug))) to you

May 29, 2006
2:04 am
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Soulsister
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Went to see "B" tonight. They said he was on diciplinary lock down. She checked and said he wasn't anymore, but that now his visiting is on a different day. I asked her why he can't call me, she said he can. I said no he can't..he hasn't call since Thurs night. She said she would have him call me in 15 min. I got home and he called. He was very down and depressed. He told them He didn't want to work in the kitchen anymore..so he got put in lockdown for it. I asked him why he didn't transfer out..because you transfer in there at your own request..he said they won't let you. He said, he wan't told he coul call, he gets to come out of his cell for 1 hr a day. He isn't eating because he's seen the conditions in the kitchen and it's disgusting..so he won't eat. I said people eat a lot worse thaen what is in there..people in other countries..that he should eat anyway..he said he can't..it makes him sick to his stomach to even try.

Sorta down tonight..I don't know what to do...I have no control over it..I'm just here...

May 29, 2006
2:43 am
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Randomwomen2
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((SOULSISTER)) I got to go to bed but I thought I would give you a quick hug.

May 29, 2006
4:05 am
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Soulsister
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Thank you Random...I needed a hug. Soul

May 29, 2006
5:04 am
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Soulsister
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It's 1:43..I'm up by myself..can't sleep. Just got done talking to "B"s cousin. SHe told me that his mother started them both on drugs, when they were kids. I'm so digusted. I really want to sleep, but I'm just emotional..and sad and hurt.

WHen "B"s dad killed himself, he was 5 years old. When Andrea would spend the night, she said "B" would cry himself to sleep holding his dad's picture of them together on his 5th bday. Andrea said his mother would yell at him to stop crying and call him a pu**y I just can't imagine someone calling their son that, because he was crying and missing his dad. I want to tell her I hate her so bad..I don't know what this would do. Probably make me feel bad..but she so deserves to hurt for all that she has done to her family.

I'm so lonely..I miss him so much. My heart aches...

May 29, 2006
7:54 am
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1lost1
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((((Soul)))), Sweetie I wish I could give you a real hug.

Don't they have commissary or store there in the jail. Can't he purchase food items? I know every state is different but, maybe you can check into it.

Don't worry, you are such a strong person. I hope you finally got some rest.

Keep your chin up! This will get better for you and your kids.

Sending you a hug and a smile, 1L1

May 29, 2006
11:25 am
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(((soul))) my heart really goes out to your BF...what a horrible life he has had to live at the hands of his mother. The fact that he is such a kind person is amazing. I think counseling and rehab would be so good for him, he has so many childhood issues to work out. I'll keep praying for him, and for you. How is that adorable boy of yours? šŸ™‚

May 29, 2006
12:18 pm
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Soulsister
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Hi everyone..Sorry about that, I was so down after talking to her. šŸ™

They do have comissary, but I've only been able to give him a little money because of the cost of phone calls and clothes for court and had to pay for his records. My mom went and gave him money, too.

Oh, that is something else, his lovely mother did too, she sent him one card about a week or so ago, and told him she put 25 on his books. She never did. Also, he talked to two friends that gave "her" money for him, and she never gave it to him. I knew that, when I saw her that Sunday. She is your typical meth addict..except she is a compulsive lier, who actually believes her own lies.

I'm really happy to have his cousin, Andrea. She really thinks of him, like a brother. I think she loves him more than his 8 brothers and sisters. I actually, think I may have found a future great friend in her. You know, I feel so comfortable with her. She is just such a loving person. Ironically, she is dating a Sherriff from another County..but she's been asking him what he thinks about all of this. His sister is actually dating an attorney..fresh out of law school, I wish she would would ask him for help. Apparently, she hasn't wanted to tell him about her lovely family. I guess I don't blame here there, but I would for my brother.

Love you all, thanks for the hugs...I'm a wee bit better today. I'm waiting to hear from him. I don't know when or if he can call.

Soulsister

I guess that's just me.

May 29, 2006
12:56 pm
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loving
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Hey SS,

Sorry - been out of touch for a while - dealing with things - you know...

Yes. you're right - London!

going out in a minute but will be back in a few hours so maybe chat then? Hope you're feeling ok?

May 29, 2006
12:58 pm
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Soulsister
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Hi Loving...good to "see" you again. šŸ˜‰ Soul

May 29, 2006
5:17 pm
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Hey Soul, honey, i relate to everyone, i dont know when i lost my mind and changed but i did. Im 55, and feel that i am too tired to start over. I think loving said it,or whoever, we all have the knowledge, we can always FIX someone else's problems, where is everyone for me. Its that vicious circle, you know, youdo do do for others, cause you are used to and then expected, but you really dont want to anymore and then when you do it, your pissed cause, of course it is not appreciated, its expected.
As far as my spouse in jail. He was very possessive, hated me talking to my own kid, who is full of problems now and heis not a kid 29. I supported ex in prison, never enough, needs shoes, money, phon e calls, some states charge for medical, fla does. Who was taking care of me i live on ssi. I gladly did it, wouldnt listen to any of my friends, i never left the house, i lost alifetime from him and that was before jail, he was on work release when i met him in 1990, and i said, you better never go to jail cause i am not sitting here like your wife (he was married, but like not, with 3 kids) I was just separated from husband of 20 yrs. a cop, ok, start laughing now, we used the same lawyer to divorce the cop and the convicts wife. OKAY!! Move to fla with him and things got worse, i left a few times, yeh he bought me everything, and i amnot material, they come out of prison and think the world owes them all these things, hello, you havae to pay for them. The bank owned the house, the cars, the harleys, the boat, the business, then he got too big in his head, owning a business one or two years andhe doesnt want to work it anymore wants to point the finger, soon, drugs, everything gone, me stranded. Now, at this very moment, i am being sued for a cosign i did in 1995 for the swimming pool. They froze my acct withlike nothing in it and they can take my disability check. Enough, right now, have to serve dinner. Been in a shit mood all month, just want to kill everyone, finally reached the why me stage. Soul, im not going to say it is easy, just take one day at a time, but put you first and the kids, cause in the long run, they will save their own ass first. I know it sounds bad, but you are talking to the biggest sucker and still am, but it is always easier to tell someone else the truth, dont have to do it, just know, yeh, its bad the drug problem, the treatment as a child, know what, i had the treatment worse as a child, and guess what, im still going. Crazy and depressed but still going.
With much love and concern to all my girls, donna

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