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Struggling..trying to find myself..I'm lost...Soulsister
May 26, 2006
1:35 am
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Soulsister
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Thank you guys...so much..so nice to have people to talk to about all of this..

I would be devastated, if he got the 7 year sentance. I'm really thinking about trying to get him another attorney. His is just a flake. I have to work on that this next week. I just need to get his records copied and get someone to give him a consult. At least, maybe we'd know if they can do anything more, before it's too late. Would like to get it transferred out of this county. Two judges in this little town.

Hey, I talked to his other son's caseworker today. I'm getting papers in the mail, to sign, saying I want him placed with me. That way, I know they have to consider me..before being put back in the system. So, that was a step in a good direction there.

Love you all...thanks for all of the support and advice and input....Soul

May 26, 2006
1:46 am
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Randomwomen2
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are you still up SOul???

May 26, 2006
6:37 am
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sleepless in uk
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Way to go Soul...you are doing positive things and trying the best you can...nobody can do more than that......

I hope it goes well for you all

May 26, 2006
10:17 am
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(((Soul))), I hope you are well today. Happy to see you moving forward with the caseworker. Good luck!

Peace to you today...1L1

May 26, 2006
10:49 am
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Soul
Yes drugs is easier to get in prison. Most of the guards bring them in. I know this for a fact, saw one get suspended. Then you have the men that get to go to work during the day. The men who hire them, some have a heart and have let me drop boxes of home cooking in the middle of nowhere. Then you have the ones that will make a fast buck and bring in the drugs. The visitors do it to, In their mouth, vaginal area. you name it, I have seen it. Im finished with it though. He should have known not to dabble again with the big stuff, his saying was I can handle it, I wont get hooked. Well he did and we lost everything and the funny thing is they have a way of blaming you. He went to drugs cause he was unhappy at home. i begged to leave, he always dragged me home. i dont know. This system sucks, you have to get to the root of the problem or it will never end. Its a money making thing.

May 26, 2006
11:44 am
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Soulsister
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Smarterone,

You are filing for divorce? I'm taking that he was abusive to you...being that you were afraid of him.. Does he have 4 more years?

It's really hard to let go of "B"..he is a very gentle..loving person. Never said a mean word to me. Not even when I said them to him..I pray to God everything ends up ok..

Our biggest problem was him not working...I got tired of supporting him and both of his children. Also, the using and the laziness that comes with the end of the highs. I would go crazy over him sleeping. Then, I just quit caring..just wanted the love so bad..that I didn't care anymore..gave up on trying to "save him" and just took what love I could get.

Never thought...I would ever find myself..loving and waiting for someone in jail..or prison..never thought my life would be so screwed up. I ended up..more f'd up then my mother..but still so similar..always said I wouldn't be like her..yah..whatever...

Sorry..laying this all on you..I'm kinda getting depressed and lonely..Probably will be all weekend. A 3 day weekend..no money..can't go away with my kids..I want to soooo bad..to go camping with "b" and the kids..God I'm lonely..wish so bad to turn back time..

Soul 🙁

May 26, 2006
4:31 pm
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readyforachange
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(((soul))) sorry you are feeling so down...three day weekends are really hard, I know. I will be alone this weekend. I have planned lots of things to do around the house because my kids will be gone with their dad all weekend. I have to get my car serviced, so I'm kind of stuck at home. Lots of cleaning to do, and i'm going to try to get back into the routine of exercising because I need to drop about 15 pounds. Try to stay busy and keep your mind off of "reality" for a while....and I don't think that someone who is waiting for someone in prison is "screwed up". Why do you feel this way? His mistakes are not your fault, and all people make mistakes. Hang in there...

May 27, 2006
3:13 pm
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Hi...Loving...

Bumping this up for you to read..would like to know a bit more about you...Love Soul

May 27, 2006
3:30 pm
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loving
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SS,

found you - wrote a looong message and deleted it so will have to start again. But basically said how sorry I am about what you're going through and what's the update?

Will tell you my story after ok?

May 27, 2006
3:36 pm
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Soulsister
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I do that all the time....delte something..after I've typed it all out..

He is waiting for his trail in 18 days..so It's going to be heel all over again..wish I had the money for an attorney...I know it would make a huge difference..

I haven't heard from him since..Thurs night...very odd for him..I think he got put in the "hole" for throwing away ansanitary trays..he told me Thurs he was going to get into trouble for it...not like him, to now call me on Fri night or Sat morning..worried about him...

Soul

May 27, 2006
3:42 pm
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loving
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I'm sorry - it must be so hard - especially as you say you really care about him and he's good to you etc.

Like you say, it's not the biggest crime in the world is it?

The courts will bear that in mind and know he's got a young family etc so try not to worry for now.

Can he not get some kind of attorney paid for by the state? I thought that was everyone's legal right?

May 27, 2006
3:52 pm
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Soulsister
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He has a court appointed..but he's a flaky...pig..of a man...he actually has a nickname on all of my Bf's paperwork.. the "rock" now how professional is that!! He doesn't care about what happens to "B"..I'm hoping that meeting me the other day will help...thinking about MAKING him meet my little boy...he has children..maybe that would help him have a bit of a heart and help him a little more.

Afraid to go through all of this and him end up..still using....Lovely life...eh??

May 27, 2006
4:03 pm
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loving
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Yep, life can be a real bummer sometimes!

I can understand your fears though about going through it all and him still using - there are no guarantees with that I guess.

It's just getting through every day and if it seems positive - carry on with him - but if he's going to continue using and drag you down with him, then you're going to have to save yourself. It's hard when you love someone though because you want to help them.

May 27, 2006
4:17 pm
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Loving, that was my exact struggle, with my XH, the wanting so bad to help him.

This was how I put it into a visual for myself...

I thought of him as if he were in this BIG, deep, dark hole. And everytime I would walk by that hole, I could hear him echoing for help. The first time, I ran over there out of natural impulse, and extended my hand to him. Instead of pulling him out, he pulled me IN.

So the next time, I walked by that hole, I could hear him, pleading for help. I'm leary, but telling myself I could be stronger this time. I go over, and attempt to help him again. And AGAIN, down I go!

THEN, I visualize my children and I taking a walk, and passing that hole, and hearing him begging for help. As much as I WANT to go over there and try again, I KNOW what will happen! Only THIS time, I have my children with me. Do I risk their safety? No, as painful as it was, I had to keep walking, and never go NEAR that hole again. I also knew deep down, that if he really, TRULY wants out of that hole, then he WILL find a way.

And eventually, that is exactly what he did. He pulled himself out into the light, and he is now a better person for it. He learned alot along the way, as to how to build what he needed to, just to keep himself "above" the ground. And he has not forgotten that dark place! He wishes to never return. So he is now living a brighter life and he respects his freedom! And he's CLEAN!

His addiction was stronger than me and even himself. He knew it was time to put some serious thought into how and what he was going to do. And how he would do it on his own. He's done well.

So, there it is, my imagination in action! Except for me, it was VERY real!

Take Care...

Jen

May 27, 2006
4:34 pm
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Soulsister
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Thank you so much for posting that Jen...It brought tears..I feel so similar..but my problem is..I did this with my exH when I was younger..and he never really found his way out. He's kind of a functioning addict, you might say. Works..reliable father..but he still uses..I'm pretty sure..I don't know..maybe not lately. But, I feel like 10 years later...I'm doing it all again..with someone 16 years young than him, and I just don't know if I'm ever going to be willing to walk by..for fear..I will lose him forever..and I love him so much...and don't know if I will ever be able to give up.. I always questioned whether I had done the right thing with my ex H..even though I don't think about him "that" way anymore..but I always wonder if I gave up too soon...don't want to have any regrets..they hurt too much..afraid to lose the most special love I've ever had...

May 27, 2006
4:40 pm
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loving
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Jen/SS you both seeem to have been through the same thing and Jen's story probably gives you hope SS doesn't it?

I am going to get some sleep soon as i haven't been doing much of that for the last few days so feeling a bit jaded now.

May 27, 2006
4:46 pm
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Soulsister
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Loving,

Thank you for your kind words...I am almost always here..I work out of my home..so If you ever want to talk...here I am..

Love Soul

May 27, 2006
4:48 pm
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Anonymous
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SS, maybe I wasn't just walking away, for "him". I think I might of had a pretty good gut feeling how things would have been, had I stayed. And I'm afraid that my loving him, just wasn't enough.

Sure, I loved him very much. This is why it hurt me to do what I did. But my feeling of love for him, just wasn't worth the risk of even an ounce of the chance that he could pull us all down.

I don't have the "what if's" or any regrets for what I felt I had to do. Because I KNOW that there was nothing I could have done to "save" him. I had already tried several times. Once I accepted the fact that I didn't have this power, I knew that I wouldn't have changed anything. It had to be HIM who wanted to change, on his own. And besides, it had no longer been all about "him". We had a life to live, and damned if I was going to allow his problem to interfere in the lives of the kids.

But this is just me, SS. We all do what we feel is the best thing. And for me, I had to move on. I loved him, but I did not love his lifestyle. And it came down the blunt and real choice of what I was willing to live with forever.

(((SS))) I absolutely understand where you are, right now! I'll NEVER forget that experience!

Jen

May 27, 2006
4:56 pm
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loving
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SS,

I work from home too so we'll talk again soon - time zone differences taken into account. i'm not going to bed quite yet so may post for a bit longer. Just not thinking very straight at the moment so probably not much help to you tonight - sorry.

May 27, 2006
5:01 pm
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Soulsister
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Thanks Jen...

I think if I were younger..it may be easier to move on and save us..but the fact is..I feel..I will just find another..just like him..it is my pattern..and they just keep getting younger..which is even worse..because "b" was only 24 when I met him..and really had so much to learn..in regards to life and age..

I always felt..maybe I would meet someone that was now clean and sober..because they would be my "type" that I'm drawn to..I tried that for a little while. I just ended up, back with "B" missed him even more..loving him even more..wanting to save him even more..

I know I've heard too, that someone that enables..and is codependent..actually...loses interest in someone who gets clean and/or sober. That, they are so sick themselves that they don't know to function with someone, they don't enable and that don't "need" them anymore. I know that was wierd, how I wrote that..but I don't know how to fix it..to read better..I'm so tired..Soul

May 27, 2006
5:08 pm
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loving
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SS.
I just replied to you - and sent it - but it's disappeared!

Said I knew exactly what you meant by enabling etc so not to worry - it didn't sound weird.

Said too that you and I sound as tired as each other. Lack of sleep or life at the moment?

May 27, 2006
5:13 pm
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Soulsister
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How are you??? How is your life at the moment??

By the way..I've sent things that disappeared, too. HMMM..wonder why??

It's 2:09 here in Oregon...I'm tired from staying up until 4:15 with Blyxx..but, it's like..I'm not alone..when I talk to him...so, I have a hard time..letting go..to go to sleep..for fear of loneliness..

May 27, 2006
5:22 pm
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loving
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SS,

That's what I've been doing for the last couple of nights and the sleep deprivation has caught up with me.

It's 10.20 pm in London but feels more like 4am.

Thanks for asking about how I am by the way. I'm going through a it of a hard time at the moment - just about everything really - and finding it a bit hard to cope at the moment ( being tired doesn't help either). I can't say my life has been exactly trouble-free ever really, but i was able to cope with it better before somehow.

Am feeling a bit alone with my problems right now I guess and no sign of things getting any easier in the foreseable future. So.... just got to get on with things I guess.

May 27, 2006
5:25 pm
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Anonymous
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I think, if I interpeted that correctly, that we, as enabling codependents, have the need to feel "needed". That we are drawn to those with "broken wings", ones that we can take under OUR wings. Yeah, I can understand that.

In my journal, I had discovered that I'm a "fixer" by nature. And that was when I had finally asked myself, "Why do I want someone who NEEDS to be 'fixed'?" Why couldn't I have someone that already comes assembled and put together?

THIS was the area that I felt needed the most attention. My need for the needy. If I was going succeed in "fixing" anything, it would be ME.

SS, I don't feel that we are too old to repair our inner flaws. There is ALWAYS room for change and improvement, no matter our age. Or else, we are just settling.

For me, I think I'm better off alone, if I can't find that healthy place within myself to make the wiser decisions concerning my life. Even if I knew I would drop dead tomorrow, I will still choose to live for today, even if there is something that may need changing.

We need to not give up on OURSELVES and not just throw in the towel. We are so concerned with not giving up on "them" too soon. What about US?

Anyway, Soul, I don't mean to ramble, here. I don't consider myself "high and mighty", just FULL of thoughts from my own experience. I love ya'!

Jen

May 27, 2006
5:33 pm
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loving
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Jen,

yes - and I'm tired of fixing now. Thing is all the people around me I have always thought I needed to "fix" are fine now - and I'm not. That's the irony. I wonder if they ever really needed fixing at all and were quite capable of looking after themselves, but found it easier to be "fixed" or looked after by someone else. Who's going to fix me now for example? Funny, how when the tables turn, there never seems to be the same people (anyone?) around when I need it. Perhaps I did have needs all the time, but neglected myself to care about everyone else so I'm drained now.... not sure really.

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