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Struggling..trying to find myself..I'm lost...Soulsister
May 22, 2006
12:36 pm
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Soulsister
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Well, yesterday...My 3 year olds Aunt was here from California..I haven't seen her..in about 6 months. Here day Sat..was too busy...so we were going to get together on Sun. I received a call from 3 year olds grandma..if you could call her that. SHe hasn't talked to us in over a year. SHe is only a couple miles from me. She didn't call when her son went to jail..she didn't call when baby turned 3..she didn't call for Christmas..she is also a drug addict. I don't know why I think she would care about us..when she doesn't care about my bf..or any of her kids. She has 5 of them.

It was so hard for me yesterday..to pretend I care about her..or that I'm not mad. She makes me sick..how can a mother be this way. She pretends that she cares..she acts like she knows everything..about her son.. She has written him one letter and talked to him twice from jail in two months. SHe lies..and has even stolen from her own children. She is 52.

It was also a difficult day for me, becasue his Aunt..who I really do love and care about..and I knwo she cares about us..was talking to me about getting Jacob placed with her. For those of you who don't know..he is my 3 year old's half brother..who is in foster care. I felt hurt..I don't why ..I new she was thinking about taking care of him..I just felt like..he is so much better off with me. Closer to his dad..with his other brother..and he is familiar with us..not really with her. She is kind of a stranger to him..we are not.

She also went to visit her brother..my bf..my baby's dad..and I had bad feelings about this. I don't think they are good feelings..they are jealous feelings..this is his sister..why do I feel like this?

Court is Wed....I'm scared to death. The so called Grandma wants to ride with me. I don't want her there.

I don't know if thesee feelings are ok...I missed seeing him yesterday..all of the sudden after 2 months...everyone in his family want s to go see him. Where the f were they for the past two months. I was there. I took and paid for his called..I sent him pictures of his family and his dogs..I got his records..I comforted him..I struggled with trying to get his other son..Now they all come in..in one f-n weekend and act as if they gave a shit.

Is this just all of my codependency..wanting him to need me...wanting to be the only person he has?? I'm so confused about my feelings.. I'm so hurt..and I am jealous..and I felt like when I drove away..they were all judging me..wondering why I would ever think I could get Jacob..questioning my mothering skills in the first place..feeling like they really all didn't care about me and my little boy.

I'm so lost right now..I'm scared to go to court. Not one person in his family..asked how I was doing?? Not One!! Like I don't hurt inside because the person I love is gone..and my baby doesn't have his dad...and I'm lonely and don't have anyone..

The Aunt is going to see the caseworker today..to get paperwork on getting Jake placed with her. He shouldn't be with her..he should be with me. I talked to Bf from jail. He said I need to show the caseworker how much I want him..I was told nothing would happen until Aug. I have contacted her several times..I feel it's unfair for anyone to think I can put the time into it reight now...she has a husband..one child..financial resources I don't. I work 12 hr days..I have no extra money..I have 2 kids and no husband..not to mention..I'm helping him..in jail..with his case..etc getting records..sending letter..making calls. I feel spread so thin..and so unnoticed and unappreciated.

Lost....Soulsister

May 22, 2006
12:54 pm
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((((soulsister)))) I am so sorry you are feeling this way, but all of your feelings are totally normal. You are overwhelmed, trying to do the best you can in a difficult situation. Your strength amazes me!

You have a right to be angry at those family members who show up all of a sudden acting as if they are supportive of your BF. Bottom line, he knows who he can count on and who he cannot. He will see and appreicate your love and devotion, and I'm sure he has not received the same from his mom and sister.

As for the 3 year old, I know you have been struggling about the right thing to do. I admire your willingness to take this on. Trust that God will lead you to the right decision...hand it over to him. Do the best you can to let the caseworker know how much you care for him, and what a good mom you are. Then it is really out of your hands. If you try to fight against your BF's sister, it may come back to haunt you.

As for court, I would not ride with the family if it will add stress to you. Do you have a good friend or other family member who can go with you and be supportive? See if you can stay out of the situation where you are with his mother or sister for too long, since they make you uncomfortable. You have to look out for yourself, and what you know you are comfortable with.

I will pray for you to have strength and peace in the next few weeks...take care of yourself. (((soul)))

May 22, 2006
1:09 pm
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Thank you.. ready,

One day I'm feeling so good and happy..and secure..and then the next everything changes..I'm insecure and don't know what to do.

My bf told his sister yesterday, that he wanted his other son with me..I feel the sister thinks I can't handle it. Maybe..I could if I had an ounce of support from any of them. I do have one good friend and my family..to help me..but it just hurts that some of them don't care about us.

May 22, 2006
2:10 pm
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soul...they are what they are, and you aren't going to change them. It sounds like there is addiction in the family, so I'm sure no one is functioning normally..which means they CANNOT give you the support you need. I'm sorry to say that, but it is true. Rely on yourself, your friends and your family...and hopefully your BF. Take it one day at a time, honey, you'll make it. Hang in there!

May 22, 2006
2:37 pm
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SS, I'm so sorry for the pain and heaviness you are carrying, right now. I know this is SUCH a difficult thing, to try and care for so many, without receiving just a thought in return.

Try your best, Honey, to put it in God's hands, and let His will take place in this situation. I know that's not an easy thing to do, because we are not sure we can handle the outcome. But if it's meant to be, then it will happen. We just have to find a way to accept God's will, whatever that may be. And maybe He thinks your plate is already full enough as it is, or maybe not! Just have FAITH, and keep your head up, which ever way it goes, Soul! We love ya', and are here to help pick you up, and keep ya' moving forward! It'll be ok, sweetie!

Jen

May 22, 2006
5:06 pm
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thank you ready and ipw...

I'm feeling a little better..this afternoon. I have to get him clothes for court..I washed some old one's I found..I don't think they are nice enough. So, I went with my childcare kids..and bought him some new ones. Like I can afford it. I don't know..you know his family didn't ask me if I needed money...to help with my son and you know whats funny...his Aunt makes 48 an hr and her husband makes even more..I know they don't owe me anything..but if I had that kind of money..I would have offered.. I guess that's just me.

I'm going to tell his mother..that I don't have gas to go get her...which I do..but why sohould I waste it getting her...she doesn't help us...ever...

May 22, 2006
6:22 pm
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soul...way to stand up for yourself! Say no! You have no obligation to go pick this woman up, and you shouldn't do it if you don't want to! I'm proud of you!

May 22, 2006
7:45 pm
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You know what..my Bf doesn't want his mother there..in court..anyway. She has stolen from everyone of her kids..money..other things, too. I think it also has to do with the fact that when he was young..16 he got into trouble..his mother was supposed to come to court..being that he was a minor..she never showed up. They sent him to a boys home. He figures..she has never been there for him before..why does she pretend she cares now.

It is all I can do to not "say" something to her. I know his drug addictions are not all her fault..but I have to feel she is a little responsible. Although,I know we have to grow up and make our own choices. It's so hard for me..to blame him. He is a very sweet and loving guy..he has never been mean to me..and has really always loved me. He just couldn't stop doing the drugs. When his son was taken...and they wouldn't give him custody..he really went downhill. He cried in my arms one night..because he just can't handle what has happened to his son...and just the lack of self worth. It's so much....too much for anyone to handle.

I'm very nervous about Wed..so many things could happen..a new plea..a prison sentance..I don't even know if I can stay very long..and I dont want him to think that I don't care..because do..so very much. I only have someone to cover my job for a little while.

Anyway...we'll see...wed is going to change a lot of lives...

Love....Soulsister

May 22, 2006
7:53 pm
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soul...I will keep you and your BF in my prayers. Explain to him the situation with your job, he will understand. Hugs for strength, and all the best to you....(((soul)))

May 22, 2006
7:59 pm
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Thank you for the hugs..and prayers..I struggle with having faith...so I could use the prayers and faith from others...I've tried..but I just never feel they are ever heard.... 🙁

May 22, 2006
8:16 pm
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I understand how you feel...I sometimes wonder whether God hears my prayers either. You have to have faith in Him, though. He doesn't always answer our prayers by giving us exactly what we asked for...sometimes what he has planned for us is not what we would have chosen. It's hard to accept that sometimes, but it helps me to just trust and turn it over to him.

May 22, 2006
11:39 pm
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Ready,

Thank you sooo much for your understanding. I see so many people here have faith..and pray for people..It's not that I never do or never have..I just have a very hard time understanding it all. When I was young..I would pray for myself..I quit doing that..thinking It was never answered and maybe it was selfish. So I would pray for other people.. like children I have prayed for..like Jacob..little "b's" half brother..people who are so innocent..and deserve happiness. Yet he is still see very unhappy..and with someone who doesn't love him.. with two parents who are addicted to drugs..I think if they aren't answered for him..why even try for myself. Does that make any sense..

I really am thankful you took the time to respond to me...and for understanding my doubts..

Love..Soul

May 22, 2006
11:47 pm
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I took him all new clothes for court...we could see him.. and we were all talking. Little "B" told big "B" he loved him...and vise versa.. He looks so good...after being clean for two months. So much like the guy I met over 4 years ago..It's wierd..he called me right after I got home. Had to tell me he missed us all...and loved us..that is the first time my other son has seen him.. I think it really all hit home..all that we used to have...everything he is missing out on...

love....S

May 23, 2006
2:16 am
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poor Sar...

i feel bad that you have to go through that... then to top it off that they are judging your mothering skills. you seem like a great mom... and for as much as i'd like to say you're like a mom to me, but you know how my mom treats me, and you treat me nothing like that, you are just great, not like my mom.

May 23, 2006
9:24 am
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Soulsister,

You really are made of good stuff. Not too many women would show forgiveness and compassion to an addict or his child.

Remember that it doesn't matter what his family thinks of you. Obviously, they have some really serious problems or he would not have wound up an addict in the first place.

Put little Jacob's custody into the Lord's hands and remember that some things are beyond our control. You are doing your best. That is all that you can do. Don't beat yourself up about it or keep fretting and worrying. We can't "fix" everything in life, especially problems which are not even of our own making! This is your BF's situation and you are trying to step in and fix it for him. Sometimes, that is not possible and sometimes, that is not the best thing for us to do, either. You said he sort of bottomed out and cried when he lost custody of his son. Did that stop him from using drugs? Or did he continue?

Sometimes, we have to let people sort of "bottom out" all the way, before they decide to change and then begin taking the steps toward that change.

Please take care of yourself, Soulsister, so you don't get worn out with all that you are carrying right now.

Love,

- Strong

May 23, 2006
9:38 am
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(((Blyxx)))

Thank you..that means so much to me...you know I care so much about you..as a friend and like a son..you are teaching me..how to be a better mother...

Boy..is your mom gonna be mad..when she meets me at your wedding....;)

Love ...S

May 23, 2006
11:23 am
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Strong..I posted back to you..I don't know where it went??????

I must have put it on another thread??

May 23, 2006
11:23 am
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I can't stop crying today..........

May 23, 2006
11:41 am
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My son, little "b" just woke up crying...I went in to ask him why he was crying ..He said "I miss my daddy" he cried while I held him...I cried too. I told him I wanted him, too.

I pray to God that something good will come out of all of this pain...if not for me..at least for my little boy...

May 23, 2006
11:51 am
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oh, soul...I am so sorry you and your little one are so sad. I'm sure he senses all the pain you are in. Try to do something special together to keep your minds busy until the court date. Hang in there....(((hugs for strength and peace)))

May 23, 2006
12:21 pm
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Thank you...Ready...I posted back to you earlier..I don't know what happened to it..I think it was really long too??? Now, I've forgotten what it said..it was about him using after that..etc

Thank you for the hugs...I really need it...

Soul

May 23, 2006
3:13 pm
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hang in there...court is tomorrow, right? Please let us know how it goes. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

May 23, 2006
3:32 pm
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I just talked to my bf...he talked with his attorney last night until 11:00..his attorney said the DA will not give him any other plea bargain..6 years or go to trial. It is so hard to understand..his attorney said it was political. I hate this little town. Shouldn't his attorney be getting it transferred to another county..they are going to make an example of him..

The other day..a man killed his two year old baby..by punching her in the stomach..and he got 13 months in a state prison.. now how is it fair that my bf gets 6 years in prison for eluding and posession of controlled subtance...I'm so disgusted with our judicial system..I wish I had money to get him an atty. I'm not doing well. I feel like I'm going to lose it...

May 23, 2006
5:32 pm
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Soulsister,

I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm not sure I remember you saying, how long has he been an addict and what exactly is he charged with?

May 23, 2006
5:52 pm
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two years ago..first charges were pcs2 which is posession of a controlled substance. Then..about a year or more later..he eluded the police..pcs again. Then....warrant for not showing to court...then he eluded 3 times in two weeks..the last one..I'm surprised they didn't shoot him. It took them 3 hours of high speed chases to finally catch him. Now he has pcs2 again..eluding..wreckless driving..wreckless endangering..(because the police wrecked two cars trying to chase him)..escape 3 ..I guess because he kept running..even on foot. I think they did what is called "stacking charges" Anyway..he is in no way innocent..he knows this..but 22 years possible...6 year plea bargain..no early release..no boot camp..no "good time" they want to make sure he is used as an example. He needs treatment and I feel to be given one chance to straighten his crap out..if not..then make him do time. It won't happen. It isn't even about the drug crimes at this point...it's all of the things he did to the police..they are pissed off!!

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