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strong please help
August 24, 2006
2:17 pm
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plmil
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September 30, 2010
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will have to say that traditionally i dont share my problems with people (that is probably part of my problem) buy i am so frustrated/confused/hurt right now that i decided that this can only help.

I have been with my husband for the last 4 years, married for 1. We have a 7 month old daughter and i am 2 months pregnant with the next.

Every year since i met him he works for a couple of months and then quits his job for what ever reason (usually he has a "plan" to make our lives better but never follows thru,or does follow thru but something happens and it all falls apart and we end up broke, losing everything and then he goes back to work and we have to start all over again) and will go months with out working.

I got pregnant last spring while he was unemployed and he went thru the usual routine....i want to become a pilot....i said ok do it...and did all of this research for him,got everything lined up and by the time he decided to do anything about it we were so broke we couldnt afford for him to take the classes. I told him like always that he was going to have to get a job to help out because we had a baby on the way....well it backfired and he was all bent out of shape because "i wasnt supporting his dream" so, i felt guilty and said ok, what do you want to do? Well after several more weeks he decided he wanted to be a private investigator...so again i do all of the research, order him the materials, so on and so forth. Well he studied for about 4 weeks and by this time we are up for eviction, i am going on 6 months preggo and bring up that he needs to go to work NOW. Big fight, screaming etc, both of us on the verge or further insanity. After about 2 more weeks he finally came to his senses and went out and got a job (and a good paying one too) He was totally focused. Went to work every night. Came home....gave me attention, was excited for the baby etc.....everything was good to go right? the fact that we were going to be a family and the next stage of our lives was happening made him finally grow up. Sweet. i knew hanging in there had finally paid off. BOY WAS I WRONG>

So, our daughter is 5 weeks old, and i go back to work....2 weeks after i get back, my company decides to eliminate my position and i get canned. of course i went to file for unemployment. i thought that it was a blessing in disguise...i would be able to collect unemployment for a little while, get to stay at home with my baby and my husband was working so what the heck....well all of a sudden he starts acting funny again. He hates his job out of the blue so decides (what i thought was thankfully) to transfer into another department. Well, this new position was a driving job. 3 days into it he is on his way back to the shop, comes around a blind corner and REAR ENDS A SCHOOL BUS! Thank goodness no one was hurt but he lost his job, got all of these tickets and now cant do anymore driving jobs cause it went on his record. Unemployed again. Great.

So, a buddy of his has this old truck that he wants fixed up and my husband decides to do it telling me that it will make him some good money...yeah right..he worked on it for 6 weeks..sometimes using our money to buy materials and the dude ended up paying him $100. well thats daycare for one week.

Next is the new big scheme..."i want to open a hot rod shop" (here we go again)

So, bills are coming past due, we cant pay our 950.00 a month rent bill etc. usual money problems. i say honey, you need to get a job...remembering from the past i try and be tactful by saying..if you get a job and we move to a cheaper place etc you can focus on your shop...just get a job...help the family out minimally and when you get enough cash for 6 months worth of operating...open your shop!

Well we moved 8 weeks ago. he hasnt tried to get a job, hasnt made any progress towards getting anything together for this shop and i am tired and frustrated. i am checking our e-mail the other day and when i go to type in the address the history of websites drop down and there is some porn address. i think ok, no biggie....he is a man. I ask him about it and "I dont look at that crap" ok, well who has...casper the ghost? so, i know that he is lying to me so i go and check the temporary internet files and find hundreds and hundreds (no exaggeration) of websites, movies all kinds of stuff. pissed off i confront him and he flies off the handle telling me that he needs to be able to have some privacy in our relationship...Well im telling you right now. That was the wrong thing to say to me.

Have i mentioned that we have no sex life anymore? Eversince we found out i am preggo again he doesnt want to have anything to do with me sexually. Probably because he his spending himself having sex with the internet girls everyday while i am at work.

So last night i told him that i am not paying for his truck anymore (125.00 per week) and that i had blocked the porn on the internet. He is all mad telling me i am not his mother and it is none of my business what he does during the day.

I am so hurt and mad right now. What the heck...he thinks that i should be cool with the fact that i do evertything and pay for the internet so he can sit around and j**k off all day, watch tv, sleep and wait for me to get home to make him dinner? Im fed up.

The problem, we have our daughter, one on the way and i may be crazy but i really do love him....

I prayed last night for strength. I know that i cant change him and if he doesnt want a family and doesnt want to help contribute then he doesnt and that is something i will have to accept.

The only problem is that i cant do it. i go insane every time i think about not being with this man. the thought of our babies not seeing their daddy is unbearable and i just dont know what to do.

He just called me and told me that he is going to take a job over the road and i am balling. Is it over? it this it? how did i get myself into this. I am so miserable right now.

What is my problem. Am i crazy or what?

risingfromtheashes
24-Aug-06

You aren't crazy.

Boy, your story hit home, cuz my ex was very close to that, tho there was no baby involved - we faced eviction, and he talked alot of talk, but wouldn't walk the walk.

He wanted a real estate career, and I supported him....he DID do it himself....but then later found out there were many costs involved with starting up and money/sales weren't as easy as he suspected and the "get rich quick" wasn't happening.

So, he got lazy and didn't put the time into it....then he said he'd get a second job to supplement....but THREE YEARS later, and it hasn't happened.

He also had many "fix it" schemes, which always left me stressing out about how to pay the bills.

He cheated on me twice. And I finally said ENOUGH and kicked his ass out. Now, two weeks earlier, I had paid the deposit on his truck, so he could have reliable transportation, so he could get home every night. He cheated on me two weeks later.

In the end, I realize that he was not mature enough to handle the pressure of the relationship, the commitment and the responsibility of paying the bills. I assumed that he was doing okay for himself, cuz when we met, he was living independently, and made some decent money....then he lost his job....and the new job paid HALF of his old salary. He had no ambition or drive to make the money up some other way.

Was he involved in porn???? dunno, tho I suspect he was. I remember him emailing me a pic (when we were dating) of his "goods" and him saying he felt funny cuz he had never done anything like that before....but I suspect, now, that it wasn't the first time. I wish, now, that I had saved it, cuz I could have done some damage with it...lol.

My ex had online profiles, as well as a myspace profile, so he was active socially, and had MANY women friends.

He also reacted badly when I tried to put some limits on what I wanted from him and expectations.

All I can say is protect yourself.

If you kick him out (sounds like he is a liability anyway), he will be FORCED to pay child support - you can go to social services and get him served immediately....they don't care that he won't work....they just want their money.

He needs to grow up, and frankly, you got your hands full with the babies, you don't need to be his mommy or warden....get rid of him and find a way to make it on your own.

Once he is out, you should consider counseling....and if he really wants to make it work, tell him that it's his job to get into counseling as well, as well as whatever else you require to rebuild the relationship.

Don't be afraid to put your foot down...he WILL react like a child, with his hand caught in the cookie jar....and he will try and turn the tables on you, make it look like your fault.

Also, my ex wanted "privacy" and I don't believe there should be any secrets between truly committed partners.....in that, if he was using porn, he should ahve told you, and then, if you accept it, you would give him his privacy....but if you don't accept it, then time to consider your options - including leaving. We all need privacy, but we don't need SECRETS.

plmil
24-Aug-06

Thanks and im relieved to hear i am not alone. What you are telling me i know is the truth and it is hurting me. I know what i need to do but just cant bring myself to do it. that is the problem. i am weak. we have split up before and i only last like 2 or 3 weeks. i feel even more miserable with out him than i do with him.

plmil
24-Aug-06

also thank you for the support and encouragement. it feels good to hear that there is someone else out there who has taken a walk in my shoes.

I knew i wasnt off of the deep end with the privacy thing. i told him that it would have beed different if he wouldnt have lied to me about it. i told him even if that was something he was into that maybe we could look together to "spice it up" a little....

Backfire, Backfire....

August 24, 2006
3:14 pm
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StronginHim77
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plmil -

I did post on your other thread. You sound young, honey. I am kinda old (56), so have probably seen a bit more than you, but you are definitely going through hell the hard way. Where is your family in all this? Do you have any family to turn to for help? I also wondered if there is a good church near where you live that would give you kindness, understanding and good counsel. You really need alot of support and encouragement because you are probably going to be raising those children all by yourself. This man sounds totally deadbeat. Maybe he is very young, too, but once a baby comes, it is time to grow up and accept our adult responsibilities for the child's sake. He is not exactly stepping up to the plate. Sounds like you are kind of mommy-ing him, fixing all his messes and letting him "dream his dreams" for the future. He doesn't have TIME to dream any more dreams. It is TIME for him to take a real, paying, steady job like the rest of the world and take care of his children and YOU.

If not, dump him. Don't even look back. And definitely get legal help to squeeze child support out of him for those babies. They deserve and are legally entitled to his financial support. So, do it. With NO help.

Please do not let him manipulate or charm you out of any more money or out of his responsibility to work and bring home the bacon for his family. Do you know where his family is? Are they in contact with you?

- Strong

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