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Strong feelings for a friend's sister; don't know what to do
November 12, 2014
3:13 pm
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November 12, 2014
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Hi, i'm a (male, 19-and-a-half years old) university student in England, and i've been friends with a guy for the past 3 years (since starting Sixth-form college/'high-school'). In that time, i've slowly developed feelings for his younger sister (who is two-and-a-half years younger than me). As an aside, i generally struggle in socialising with girls, and am quite reserved.

These feelings developed as i'd see her on the occasions i'd go over his house, and really like the type of person she is. My friend would also talk about her quite a lot (sometimes dropping her into conversations etc.), and i'd always like what i heard about this girl because she seems a lot like me (even he's said we're alike), then when i'd see her it seemed to back up everything he'd mention. I'm also close his mum and grandparents, and they really like me as a person, since i'm very strong academically; which they seem to rate highly.

For the first couple of years that i was friends with this guy, i didn't exactly have any strong feelings for his sister and just saw her as a nice-looking girl that seems really similar to me. Though in the past year since i've been at university, the feelings seem to have gotten stronger. More recently, i've found myself becoming very obsessed with her, because i've always seemed to have viewed her as someone that would be ideal for me, and now i think she's really amazing and beautiful, and get myself down thinking about her. My obsession seems to make me think she is the only girl that's perfect for me, though when i'm (on the rare occasions) thinking more rationally, i know this isn't really the case etc.

I haven't really spoken to this girl a great deal, and don't know her well on a personal level (a lot of what i know about her is from what my friend has said to me about her, and also general things i hear on the occasions when i'm over his house). I don't really have a means of being able to talk to her, except from the (very occasional) times i actually go over my friend's house, and even then it's not guaranteed she'd be there etc.

The main issue is that i can often feel awkward whenever i see/speak to my friend, as i feel like i'm keeping something from him; so i find it hard to be open to him about things in-general. Due to the fact that i'm becoming more obsessed with her (which can often make me feel low and affect my work etc.), i've recently been considering telling my friend about my feelings; though i'm aware that it could make things very awkward, and that guys can generally be very protective of thier younger sisters in that way (i have no sisters, so i have no idea myself) etc. so i've refrained from telling him anything. There are times when i feel that telling him would help relieve me of my obsession, though i often feel that i would probably regret it if i did tell him.

So i don't really know how i could solve this. I feel like i need to do something, because i'm getting more obsessive and impatient, which can reach the point where i get very frustrated and (in extreme cases) almost hate myself for having these feelings in the first place. I just don't exactly know what the best thing to do would be; because i don't want to end up regretting doing something about it (e.g. telling my friend), nor do i want to allow this obsession to continue to get me down.

November 13, 2014
4:15 am
Forum Posts: 1134
Member Since:
January 18, 2012
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In my opinion, your attraction to your friends sister is not something you should fear or have anxiety over.  I think the best thing you can do is to simply tell him in private that you find his sister lovely & ask him if she has started dating yet?  I understand from your post that she is a little younger than you are & perhaps is not yet in a position to date, but I do not know about teenagers all over the world and each family likely has ideas about when their daughters are ready to start dating.  Perhaps she already has a boyfriend?  Perhaps she has told her brother that she also likes you or perhaps she has told her brother that you are not her type.  Speaking to her directly might even be a better approach so that you don't have to make your friend uncomfortable concerning the outcome.  Then again, your guy friend might tell you flat out that he would not feel comfortable with you even considering his sister as a girlfriend & then you would have to think about how this might jeopordize your friendship.  Whatever you decide to do with your feeling about this girl, you should let someone know who is directly involved especially since it seems to be consuming you and affecting your studies.  Just be mindful to be respectful of whatever happens when you talk about your feelings.  I know it must be a little scary, but it could work out well, or at least you will be free of the pressure that appears to be haunting you.  By the way I am not a guy, & have never had a brother, so if you have a Dad or a brother to speak to about this, they might give you another variation of what you might be able to do to get through this.  Good Luck!


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