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Stressful waiting and now mom isn't speaking to me...again
June 28, 2007
12:28 am
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needingtodealwithme
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I went to the OB and he said the blood around the sac isn't anything to worry about yet since I'm not bleeding.I have a sonogram scheduled for the 5th to see if there's a heartbeat or not. I had a dream last night that there was...we'll see.
I wasn't going to tell my family about any of this, including the pregnancy. They aren't always the supportive kind. My mom is a bit more supportive than the rest, so I broke down and emailed her about it. She emailed me back telling me to call her (mind you, it's long distance to call her).Well, I emailed her back stating my feelings...And now she isn't speaking to me because I "assumed" what discussion we would be having if we talked on the phone...the same damn conversation anytime anything "bad" happens. I told her I didn't want to have that conversation and my counselor told me I need to set boundaries. That didn't go over very well. She said that I always blame others for my problems....isn't that assuming herself? She hasn't been that close to me...since I was like 4 or 5.I blame myself for many things, and my counselor tells me that its not me to blame.I didn't leave any details out. So who's right? Mom or the counselor?

June 28, 2007
1:00 am
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fantas
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(((Needingtdealwithme))) What a time you are having. Hang in there. I think that the first priority is to yourself at this point. I think that since you did e-mail your mum, you should at least hear what she has to say. I can imagine she was surprised. If the conversation goes in the wrong direction, you can always shut it down. But you did reach out to her first. Do you have other support other than family? Hang tough and take really good care of yourself. Keep posting.

June 28, 2007
8:24 am
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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I have to agree with fantas on this a bit.

you DID email mom to share. then you withdrew.

that has to be confusing and painful to mom too.

what exactly were you hoping for or expecting out of the email?

you never know what mom was going to say....I know for me...tho my dad us usually abusive...he can surprise me on rare occasions.

but given that you have a bad relationship with mom...should you have even emailed her to begin with, or did you just set yourself up for this kind of chaos?

I guess my biggest question is why you did it and what did you hope would happen? and did you give it a chance to happen or run before it could?

June 28, 2007
11:02 am
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StronginHim77
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needing -

Sounds like your second email triggered some "old issues" with your mother? You may have been anticipating some negative feedback from your mother and phrased your second email in a "defensive" tone? I have done something similar.

The phone call to your mother might have been better, than an email. However, now you have to decide if you will benefit more from apologizing and trying to reestablish contact with your mother, or simply stepping back and considering the ball to be in her court. Wait and see how she chooses to respond.

I am not sure. I have no idea how you worded that second email. But my guess is that you were anticipating being failed, anticipating being criticized and anticipating being shamed/rejected. So, it may have been phrased to protect yourself from these things you dread. I would also guess that this is how your past attempts to communicate with your family have been received. Very poorly.

You are really the only one who can decide (1) why you want to communicate with your family; (2) if this serves your best interests; or (3) if you are better off, leaving them out of your life for the present.

- Ma Strong

June 28, 2007
11:30 am
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lettingo
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I agree with the post. Your counselor told you to set boundaries is fine but you open up that boundary when YOU reached out to your mom. I know my mom is similar and she would have been angry too if I reached out to her and then said but you have to respond exaclty how I need you to. Unforunately it doesn't work like that. I KNOW those "weak" moments when you need your mother even those "she" is the worst person to let in. I did that with my ex husband and every time I would regret having told her anything because it would make her feel entitled to to keep interferring so knowing this, I just wouldn't tell her my personal stuff. Unforunately, we can't have it both ways. I know its hard especieally when that little girl in house still wants MOMMY!

June 29, 2007
3:10 am
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needingtodealwithme
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Hmm...I think what I expected from the email was probably the speech I thought she would go into over the phone...for some reason it's easier to deal with when it's written in an email.
She has been pretty supportive in the past on some issues, so I guess I expected the same this time...I don't really know. I think the main reason I wrote her was because a part of me wanted my mom...which is weird considering I haven't lived with her since I was 13 and she hasn't had the greatest track record...who knows.
I was trying to prevent more negativity and trying my hand at setting a boundary with her in the second email...I'm sure it probably sounds defensive. I did email her a last time and explained a little what I was saying in a bit better terms, but I have no clue if she read it...no response yet. She's done this sorta thing several times in the past,but not recently so I guess I figured it wouldn't happen. Oh well.
Since theres a chance there's a problem with the baby I've been trying to keep negativity away from me in a hope to not make anything worse. It seems to be going okay, I guess.
I had a talk with someone I've known for a while but never really hung out with. We discussed my attempts at change, the counseling, etc. It was great because she said she was amazed and really happy for me that I was doing all that. It felt good to hear.
I went in to the job interview the other morning..it wasn't an interview, really. The lady was just explaining the company, the job, answering any questions, etc. Now I have to wait for a group of parents to go through the applications, pick out which ones to interview....it may be a while before I find out anything. Im hoping I get chosen..

June 29, 2007
8:47 am
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risingfromtheashes
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needing -

I know how it is to want something you never had...a loving parent for instance...one that loves, nurtures and supports you.

But, if our parents don't have a track record for providing that, then we need to be more careful about reaching out...knowing there is a risk of pain...of being let down.

It's usually on impulse we do it, then we recoil once we realize what we have done...which seems to be the case here.

You have no idea what her phone convo would have been....and perhaps it would have been a positive one and that's why she wanted to speak in person? You didn't see it thru, but I totally understand why...second guessing our first impulse.

I know for me...on occasion, my dad will play nice...I cautiously let my guard down and go along with it...only to have his old behaviours flare right up again...leaving me in MORE pain because I should have known better. I stuck my hand into the snake pit and wasn't expecting to get bit, but did.

I am also pregnant, so I know about avoiding the negativity.

Do you have someone close and caring that maybe could be like a "surrogate" mom or source of comfort in these times? I know what's it's like to want your mommy...when you are scared. But if mom is only going to make matters worse...or at least a huge risk of having that happen...then perhaps you need to have a backup plan.

I am glad your issues aren't serious and hope you have a safe and healthy pregnancy going forward.

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