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stressed
February 21, 2007
11:39 pm
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jewel
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I feel so lonely and alone right now. My fiance is at work until 4 am and I am going crazy. I have a lot on my plate right now. I have my bridal shower in 2 months, wedding in less than 3, unemployment running out during wedding time if they don't take it away sooner, I need to find a job, but feel I can't handle it because of all of my mental illnesses. I can't concentrate on anything. I have no appetite. Today I only weighed 97 and I am 5'5". I still think I am fat. I have so many problems. We are financially in a rut. We can't afford a reception which I wanted for us so much. I want both families to get to know each other. I want to spend time with family and friends and celebrate our marriage. I don't even know what to do anymore. Last night, I felt suicidal, but my fiance was there. Tonight, I am by myself so it worries me what could happen. I guess everyone has their share of stresses so I shouldn't be complaining.

Jewel

February 22, 2007
12:28 am
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truthBtold
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jewel,

DON'T go down that dark hole. Get your mind off of all of this for awhile. Do you have cable TV? Watch a movie - better yet - the comedy channel.

Take a time out.

It will all work out honey.

I know that money issues are a big deal - but just for the time being - try and put all of that on hold - just for tonight.

Tomorrow is another day.

Just try and chill for tonight.

Take deep....D E E P breaths........ahhhhh. breath. Stretch. Massage your own body. Roll your neck, rub your feet....ahhhh that' s better now - isn't it?

Here's an idea - why not take a long, hot bubble bath complete with candles and some relaxing music on the radio for tonight.

It will all work out, honey.

Just try to put your worries on hold for tonight - (I know that is what I will do.)

February 22, 2007
12:59 am
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scyllamessina
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Jewel,

What are some things you are thankful for? What are some things you enjoy doing?

February 22, 2007
1:14 am
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jewel
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I am thankful for having a loving fiance. I gave him attitude on the phone and hung up on him and feel terrible. My mood swings sometimes cause me to do weird things. I enjoy reading and writing and hiking. Nothing is working for the stress. Last night, I wanted to kill myself. Here I am tonight, I partially have it together but can't handle this anymore. No one understands me. I can watch a movie but the funny parts I don't laugh at anymore. I don't care about how I look. I have a bunch of new clothes and I wear the same old things over and over. I am sick of life.

February 22, 2007
1:20 am
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jewel
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I don't know if I should drive myself to a hospital or what. I can't take this anymore. I don't want to end up in a pscyh ward. Esp. since I just got out of one on jan 2. I don't want to go back to the same place. Some of the same people may even be there. I hated being there because I felt the loss of freedom. I feel like I am going to have a nervous breakdown. That is why I keep on writing. I don't know what to do.

February 22, 2007
1:22 am
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jewel
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Is there anyone out there that can talk to me for awhile?

Jewel

February 22, 2007
4:48 am
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scyllamessina
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You there? I went to bed. I hope you are feeling better. If you really feel like you can't handle things, go to the hospital. I know it is tough, and even though we are going through different things, I think I can relate to how you feel. You aren't alone.

February 22, 2007
8:39 pm
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jewel
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I am starting a support group tomorrow morning. I am so nervous about going. I will probably be up all night worrying about it. It will help me and I get to meet with their pscyitrist too. My meds are all screwed up.

February 22, 2007
10:15 pm
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PiercedRose
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jewel,

i think that's great that ur starting a support group tomorrow!! i think u probably need that right now, to cope with everything ur going through. there's nothing like having people around you to talk to & give support...

the psychiatrist will surely be of some help as well. baby steps, but u'll get there...

(((jewel)))

thoughts & prayers are with u...
-PR

February 22, 2007
10:41 pm
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jewel
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I am feeling very very anxious and stupid me took too much klonopin in the past so I don't have enough left when it comes time to refill it. I will be out on the 26 and they can be refilled on the 28. It is too early right now I was told. The insurance company will not allow it. I was taking 2 mg of klonopin. I also had a prescription for 1 mg of klonopin is that is totally out. I was taking like 6-8 mg of klonopin at a time and it still didn't seem to work. I may need to be on a different drug. I was abusing it obviously, but not to "get high" or feel good. Just to relax and be less anxious. I have so much going on right now. I am trying to think of good thoughts. I have this little wolf stuffed animal. You squeeze him and he says I am wilmy the wolf think only good thoughts. Sometimes when I am cleaning my room and come across it, I squeeze it. Back to the klonopin, I am suppossed to take 2 mg 3 times per day. I only took 2 total today. I am not taking the 3rd one. I need to save them if I get really bad, but I almost feel like I am going through withdrawal. I am no longer on seroquel but have some here so I took 25 mg just so I know I will fall asleep. Within an hour, I will be out. I hate to depend on meds, but sometimes that is what you have to do. I need to calm down and think of my wedding. I bought a cd of country love songs last weekend. My fiance and I made love while listening to the music. It felt so romantic. He is not the type for stuff like that, but we did it. Now he is going to have to wait for the honeymoon. I am going to bring all my lingerie with me so I have something sexy every night to wear for him. He loves that. On my wedding day, I am going to wear a just married thong. Later on in the evening, he will see it. Sorry if I offended anyone by the way I am talking. Maybe I am giving too much information.

Jewel

February 22, 2007
10:56 pm
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scyllamessina
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Sweetie, enjoy anticipating making love on your wedding night. It will be wonderful for you. I am truly happy for the two of you, and it seems like you found someone who is sticking by your side when things get hard.

February 23, 2007
2:49 pm
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jewel
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Well, I went to my first day of group. It went pretty good. I think it will definetely help me. I didn't like the doctor. I guess I have to give him a fair chance. I have to do a daily log of what I am doing and the therapist taught about worrying. My main problem. I obsess over it. She said to set aside 30 minutes a day to worry and forget about it after that. Live in the present. YOu can plan for your future, but shouldn't worry that bad things are going to happen when you don't know for sure. It made pretty good sense to me. I go again next tuesday. I have my doctors appt monday about my birth defects. I am as nervous as can be, but I think that when some dark secrets come out, you feel better and not so alone. I hope I can make it there and survive.

Jewel

February 23, 2007
6:53 pm
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bevdee
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Jewel

"but I almost feel like I am going through withdrawal."

Klonopin is very adictive.

February 23, 2007
6:56 pm
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healintime
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Hi Jewel,

I hope you're doing okay today. I read your post at the top pf thsi thread about running out of klonopin and I wanted to re-post something that I posted on one of your other threads last week. There are so many now that it's hard to keep track and I don't know which threads you're checking regularly - so in case you missed is, I'm re-posting:

***I feel like I've been yapping about the klonopin for weeks now - but you need to know that quitting a benzo that addictive "cold turkey" is, just... I don't even have the words Jewel. It's 20 times as potent as valium, extremely addictive, and has a half life of 35 hours. Because of those three factors, it's recommended that you taper down over a matter of months when you decide (with your doctor) that it's time to stop.

I feel like you need to be really, really, really honest with your doctor/psychiatrist about your two overdoses, the amount that you've been taking at times, the escalation in your depression of the last few months, and the suicidal thoughts that you had when you decided to stop "cold turkey."

I know you've said you don't feel the effects but that has a lot to do with the fact that you're in recovery. Which makes you more susceptible to an addiction to this drug and makes it -absolutely crucial- that you only stop taking it under medical supervision. We're talking about seriously potent drugs that affect your brain - not aspirin. Honey, you've upped the dose at random at times in the last few months and are now stopping cold turkey. Please, Jewel, please, please hear me. I nearly lost a friend to this drug. You cannot play around with the dosage on a whim. A lot of how you've been feeling for the last few months could be related to the klonopin.

People on the site do care. I care. But the poster above is absolutely right - YOU need to care. Enough to be totally honest with a medical professional about where you're at emotionally, about the overdoses, about how much you've been taking and when - and about what your moods have been doing in the last few months.*****

Jewel, I don't know how much time you had with the psychiatrist today - but I think that if you sit down with someone to talk about your meds (you write that they're "all messed up") and are honest about taking six at a time then running out - they'll be able to get a handle on what you're going through. Yes, you are abusing your prescription. And what you're describing is pretty much textbook withdrawal from this drug. If you can google Stevie Nicks and klonopin, she was pretty vocal a few years back about the decade she spent on this drug and secribes exactly the kind of pain you're going through.

YOu have to be honest with your doctors Jewel, or they can't get a full picture of what's going on with your medication. So much of this could be side-effects/withdrawal/the drug not agreeing with you. I cannpt imagine that anyone who knew you were taking 6+ at a time would give you a monthly prescription to an addictive benzo. Especially not given that you're in early recovery from alcoholism.

Talk to a doctor - be honest about all the meds you're taking and all the feelings you've been having. That one step will mean that you're taking your own health, mental and physical, in hand. Only you can do that for yourself, Jewel. I'm pulling for you honey.

Hugs,

H.

February 23, 2007
7:05 pm
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bevdee
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Jewel,

I had a friend who was addicted to narcotics. She did the same thing, took too many, then ran out. She felt suicidal when the withdrawl set in. It's a horrible ordeal to go through alone.

Healintime's re-post contains such wisdom. Denying this will not take care of the problem you are having right now.

Bevdee

February 23, 2007
7:44 pm
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healintime
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Hi Jewel, I'm posting this in full (sent you the links awhile back). My friend J's experience a few years back led to hom, and a lot of his friends, doing some research on what had gone so badly wrong, and how. This is on

http://www.benzo.org.uk/nicks.htm

And is a collection of interviews with Stevie Nicks talking about her experiences. Wikipedia, medline, most of the online medical sites have clinical information about addiction risk factors and withdrawal symptoms too.

********

"Klonopin is a horrible, dangerous drug," says Stevie Nicks

Stevie Nicks talks about her addiction to Klonopin, a tranquilizer prescribed to help her get over her raging cocaine habit.

"I was really sick," she says. Even though her years of cocaine abuse left a hole in her head the size of a Sacajawea gold dollar, she claims that the Klonopin did far more damage. "It was not my drug of choice," she says. "I'm not a downer person. I was looking for things that made me want to clean the house and shop, write songs and stay up for four days. I was sad and I was sick. I didn't really understand right up until the end that it was the Klonopin that was making me crazy. I really didn't realize it was that drug because I was taking it from a doctor and it was prescribed. It just hit me really hard that that was the foundation for why I was completely falling apart."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nicks says the last time she used cocaine on stage was during a concert at Red Rocks in 1986. It was a turning point for her. Afterwards, she went straight to the Betty Ford Clinic. But in attempting to help herself, she encountered a problem far worse than her cocaine problem - a new addiction to prescription drugs. Fresh out a rehab, a psychiatrist put Stevie on a tranquilizer called Klonopin. Generally prescribed for seizures and panic attacks, experts say it should not be taken for more than nine weeks. Stevie says she took it for eight years, learning way too late that Klonopin is highly addictive and can have side effects like depression.

It took 47 days for the singer to detox from the prescription drug, "...and it was horrible," she says. "My hair turned gray. My skin molted. I couldn't sleep, I was in so much pain. Legs aching, muscle cramps... The rock star in me wanted to get in a limousine and go to Cedar's Sinai and say, 'Give me some Demerol because I am in pain.' And the other side of me said, 'You will fight out this 47 days.'"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After the photos were over, the event was winding down and people began to disperse. I caught Stevie's attention and told her that I wanted to thank her for coming out and talking about Klonopin. Someone close to me has been struggling with depression and was medicated with Klonopin, and as soon as I put it together that this was the medication that had wrecked Stevie so badly, I talked to my friend about it. She went to another doctor who confirmed that it wasn't right for her, and she's now gradually scaling down on it. I told Stevie that her courage in discussing that dark part of her life had made a direct, positive impact on someone else's. She said, "Well, I'm on a mission! Tell your friend my heart is with her, and that she should spread the word!"

"Klonopin is a horrible, dangerous drug," says Nicks, an addict for eight years. "Doctors are dying to put you on drugs: 'Feeling a little nervous? Here, let's mask everything so you don't have a personality anymore.'

"The overwhelming feeling of wellness and calm equals blah, nothing. My creativity went away. The fabulous Stevie everyone knew just disappeared. I became what I call the 'whatever' person. I didn't care about anything anymore. I got very heavy. One day I looked in the mirror and said, 'I don't know you.' And I went straight to the hospital for 47 days." USA Today, May 4, 2001.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Because for eight years before - and it always comes back to this, which I'm sorry about - but it comes back to the [anti-anxiety medication] Klonopin. And that was Street Angel - the little street urchin on Klonopin. And it was a sad record. Writers do not thrive on drugs like Klonopin and Prozac. It takes your soul; it takes your creativity; it takes your love of running home at night and getting out a typewriter or getting out your paper and pencil and writing something that you love. It takes that away. You don't care anymore. So Street Angel was all about just not caring. And that's horrible to me. One of the few things that I've never not done in my life is not care. And I didn't care for a long time. The lows for me were probably the last years of cocaine in the 1980s, and the last four years of the Klonopin.

Why were you on Klonopin in the first place? Basically, when I got off cocaine I ended up going to a doctor because everyone around me said, "Well, you need to do something to stay off cocaine." Not really understanding that I was off of cocaine. All I had to do was go through Betty Ford one time. And that was it. I have never seen that drug or done it, or been around anybody who has done it since I stopped.

So basically, I went to see a doctor just to check in with somebody and let everybody know that I was OK. I guess when most people go off Klonopin they have a very hard time. I wasn't one of those people, but he didn't know that. So he suggested that I go on this drug for my nerves, and I just said OK to get everybody to leave me alone. Well, what a big mistake. I really wonder where I would be now, what I would have done if those eight years were full of creativity and love, and good things instead of full of nothing.

February 23, 2007
10:23 pm
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jewel
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Oh my God!!! Now I am really scared. I ran out and called my psychitrist and told him I accidently threw away my klonopin and he actually called in a prescription for them. I even had to pay out of my pocket because insurance wouldn't cover it. I guess now I went from an alcoholic to an addict. And I am so close to being off alcohol for one year. I am so ashamed. I had a good day today and now I just feel like crap because I depend on this drug and that is why I feel the way that I feel. I am an addict. Straigt and simple. I am broke and paid for this drug. I called the doctor and lied. I never told him I had a drinking problem. I went to the group psychitrist today as well and he wouldn't give me anything else. He didnt seem like he liked me because I kept on asking for something for anxiety and he kept on saying that is why I am upping your dosage of zoloft. I feel like crap. I can take 8 mg and not go to sleep. It just makes me feel better. Do you think I should tell my fiance? I am really scared. I wouldn't want him to hold a secret from me like this,but I don't do it every day. Do you think I need rehab? I have a doc appt on monday about my birth defects(IM SCARED) and two root canal appts and an eye specialist appt. coming up. Then I could go to rehab.

THANK YOU SOOOOOOOOO MUCH EVERYONE for all your help. I didn't know how dangerous this could be. I think after all my appts. are taken care of, esp. one about birth defects, I am going to work on getting off of the klonopin. I can't believe what I did today. I am a liar and am spending wedding money on drugs. I am a terrible person.

Jewel

February 23, 2007
11:29 pm
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scyllamessina
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You aren't a terrible person. Just fess up and ask them for help. That is what they are there for.

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