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Stressed and Worried
December 2, 2001
2:11 pm
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bel
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September 29, 2010
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I moved to Oregon to try and start my own life and helping my son grow up and take responsiblity for his son's and his life instead of always relying on me.

He stayed in the townhouse I had rented 12 years ago. His girlfriend and two children moved in with him and his son (my grandson).

My son has alot of anger and will not go to counseling. He used to treat me very bad and call me terrible names. One night I drank a little to much at a family party and let my son hear it all. How he has abused me and called me every name in the book and how I was the one who raised him on my own since his own father denied him.

After that my son treated me a little better, the name calling stopped but he still disrepected me in alot of ways. He can blow up at any litte thing and will never admit to any of it being his fault. My sons mother who was not innocent herself left him and my grandson to move back in with her parents. He then took up with an old friend who quickly became his girlfriend. He abuses her in words, he won't hit her or anyone else but the yelling, slamming of doors and threats are terrible.

He would rely on me for money, food, clothes and medical expenses. I finally moved at a friends request to another state and a new job.

This move has helped both my son and myself, we both have grown up alot. He and his girlfriend pay all of their own expenses, and take care of three children.

We talk everyday by phone and our relationship is better but when I go home for visits my son still has an anger problem.

I am moving back to california to a new positon with the same company. I plan to live on my own and want it that way. I miss my family especially my grandson who calls me everyday missing me.

The problem I am having right now is that my son calls me everyday and he told me his girlfriends truck broke and it will cost at least 1000 to fix. He said his truck broke and he has no money to fix it. I offered to send him some money not that I have that much but would send what I could to help them out and he says no. He will manage, but I hear the depression in his voice and the stress. He is not sure he will make the 1000 rent this month. The rental is still in my name so I want to help him pay it but he says no. I truly believe my son is having terrible problems and is stressing very much and wants to do it on his own but it is overwhelming at the moment.

I cannot sleep at night and am stressing myself trying to figure out ways how to help him.

Anyone have any advice or some kind of solution?

Stressed and Worried
Bel

December 2, 2001
3:30 pm
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deshong
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Bel,

Here is a question for you. how did your son react and respond to you in the past when you "rescued" him from suffering the consequences of his choices? My guess is with resentment and anger. You could be hindering him from growing up. He is an adult with children of his own. Thank God that he does not want your help.

If I was in his shoes, trying to be responsible and no longer play the poor victim with a chip on my shoulder, I would refuse your help also. LET HIM GO!!! Your pity may do more harm than good. Financial problems will not kill him, trust me!!

If he gets put out then he and his family may need to go to a shelter or apply for a loan, get a second job, or public assistance until he can be more responsible and get through these hard times.He has more than one option here. I know that you love your son but the best thing for him is to grow up and fast. Stop offering your resources and advisce unless he asks. Trust in him that he is man enough to survive and make it, you did din't you?!

If no one allows us the freedom to feel the consequesces of life and our choices, we will never learn anything and will stay handicapped and dependant.

Love him with your encouragement.

December 3, 2001
1:33 pm
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Molly
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Unfortunately we teach them the way to work us, as long as you are there to bail him out, he will always call you to bail him out. I got it last week that unconditional love for your children is for children, not the adults that came from our womb. I am drawing a pretty hard line today, and yesterday and hope for the stregnth to continue tommorow. I have had it with being the door mat, where their needs, and emotions are all that matter. I am tired of being the blame, the bad guy, the one that enabled them to be the success that they are, but still fall short in their immature arrogance of what they want me to look like. the one that they can ignore until they have no one else to comfort them, or bail them out. The one that they feel like they can say what ever they want with no consequence. This last straw did it for me, and at this point,we still need to be some of their teachers and guides. I realized my own failure of responsibility here, I taught them only how to receive not to give with me, so busy teaching them to give to others. This is difficult as the apartment is in your name, but you can cancel the lease, change will be slow, but you can start now. I put my self into some real crunches making sure those girls didn't go with out, and guess what happened as soon as the money ran out?????????????????????????????

December 3, 2001
8:25 pm
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bel
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September 29, 2010
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Deshong and Molly,
I hear and understand what you are both saying.

After thinking more about it I relieazed he is being hindered each time I bail him out. I told him not to stress that things sometimes work themselves out. And you know my car broke down and I had to put it in the shop and I was taking the bus to work. So if I can take the bus so can he and his girlfriend they are way younger than me! The only problem with that is they have to drop the kids off at the sitters.

My son did get the rent paid, and he is looking for temp work until his job picks up again. His girlfriend is going to ask her folks for a loan so maybe things are working out for them and I didn't send them any money or only words and ideas of encouragement.

Thank You I feel better.
Always
Bel

December 3, 2001
9:58 pm
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Molly
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Its just such a stressful thing to say the no word to them isn't it? I keep thinking zig zag thoughts about them, disconnecting them one second, and wanting to do more for them the next. I am glad that they got the rent paid, and hopefully things will work out. I wonder sometimes if we mom's make the same mistakes men do when we hear something we immediately try to fix it, rather than just hear the delimma??? We just don't want them to suffer, hurt, or want now do we? Damn it.

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