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stop settling for less in relationships
July 3, 2009
12:06 am
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atalose
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I think I remember you saying you’ve known him for like 14 or 15 years but have only been dating him the last 3, is that correct?

The dynamics of your relationship are going to change, you began a relationship with an addict and that is not who he is today. You fell in love with someone who was using a substance to stuff his feeling away. Today he has to deal with all those feelings he’s been running away from. Relationships do change after recovery begins and sometimes they don’t change in the way or direction we’d like.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 3, 2009
8:42 am
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PaleBlueSky
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We have a 14 year history since 1995, we were together for 8 years straight, then on and off for the last 6, but out longest break up was 3-4years just before we had gotten back together recently.

I know the relationship will change as it already has for the better, but somethings I just don't understand which is why I will be attending a nar-anon meeting next week.

This time around when we started seeing each other again he was clean and has been ever since and he is going strong....but I am going to confront him on what happened last night.

He is asking a lot from me right now with him dealing with his recovery but I will not be a door mat anymore all I ask for is common curtisy, respect and regard for me. We are in an adult relationship and since we have slowed it down a bit, I don't ask for anything but respect and if he can't extend me that curtisy then I will have no choice then to double think this whole relationship.

He called me this morning and acted like everything was fine, which it is not clearly on my end, I said what happened to you last night, he said he fell asleep, I asked why didn't you call me after the meeting on your way home (as he always does) and he said he didnt feel like talking. I know routine is bad, but we don't really have one as of today, which I think is good. But the communication needs to stay strong between us especially now.

That is fine if he doesnt feel like talking, then give the the curtisy of a quick text msg say something like I'm going home to go to bed and don't feel like talking right now - good night, but no he just ignores my call and text msg.

That urks me so much that he looks at his phone and purposely ignores my call, which I would never be able to or want to get away with, cuz I respect him and his situation.

Something def needs to change here and I will confront him on my feelings and take it from there.

July 3, 2009
9:27 am
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It No Longer Matters
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Pale, in my experience when I didn't hear from the guy I was dating, he was either in a bar talking to some woman he thought he could score with or he was actually cheating on me. One night I couldn't get in touch with him and he was at a Mardi Gras Ball with another woman. That took some planning.

You need to ask, hey what's up? I have learned the hard way.

Bitsy

July 3, 2009
10:12 am
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PaleBlueSky
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Hi Bitsy,

I appreciate your words and I always ask him what up, you ok? but I know cheating is the last thing on his mind, this is much deeper than that, he is a recovering addict, so his main focus is staying clean.

In our entire history with one another we never had any cheating issues on my end or his. Bottom line is we have always and will always love each other.

I know what happened last night and it is not good at all, he wound up drinking but not using.

It all makes sense now on the events of yesterday and last night, so I will have to figure out how to deal with this now.

July 3, 2009
7:28 pm
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Hepburn
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(((PaleBlue)))

Yeah, he wanted to relapse without you in the way.

If one or both of you have a sponsor, what do they suggest?

July 3, 2009
8:43 pm
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Well, I guess once you have been cheated on you will always be suspicious. That is just what I bring to the table. Somehow I have ended up with a dinner date for next Friday night. I really am not sure how it happened. I went to lunch with a guy in my BNI group and received an email from him and the next thing I knew somehow I had agreed to go to dinner with him. One of the things you do in BNI is meet with each other on an individual basis. They same day I met with another man in BNI who is an attorney to talk about my house.

Bitsy

July 3, 2009
8:47 pm
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atalose
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Pale,

Any kind of change in his behavior is a red light warning to you, remember that inner voice, it was speaking to you only you didn’t know why and now you do.

Is his drinking acceptable to you? Do you feel that drinking will lead to drug use, it usually does for recovering addicts.

Did he get himself to a meeting today? Or does he act like it’s no big deal because he was only drinking?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 3, 2009
8:48 pm
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atalose
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Hepburn makes an excellent point, not only did he want to relapse without you he planned his relapse out, not good.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 4, 2009
2:15 am
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PaleBlueSky
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No his drinking is not acceptable at all and he is well aware of that, but I can't beat him up over it when he realizes what he did.

I hear where you all are coming from, but he felt so bad about drinking and knows how bad it was, he made it a point to hit a meeting tonight and needs to keep attenting meetings like he was for his first 90 days, he was really beating himself with guilt over it....I don't condone it at all....and he knows that. He actually said I should have called you to meet me for a drink and I stated I would never do that, cuz I dont' want to be an enabler for you, it is not okay and I am sticking to how I feel..I am not an addict and will not support an addicts behavior (as I believe I should not)

I was able to talk to him about some of the things that were bothering me and was able to clear my mind and speak it too....it felt really good...i had him sit in front of me and look me in the eyes, when I speak with people, I look them right in the eyes to be sure they are hearing me and see where I am coming from...

Today was not so bad, I thought it would be much worse - I always say expect the worst and you won't get disappointed and today proved me right...I expected the worse ad wasn't disapprointed in him at all he knew what he did was wrong and I spoke my mind and expressed my feelings - I will go to sleep knowing I did the right thing and followed through on something for once in my life.

Good Nite ((all)) thank you all....

One day at a time...

July 4, 2009
1:39 pm
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Hepburn
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Good for you PaleBlue. To thine own self be true.

I was in love with someone 6 years ago that was in the program for 13 years (he still is, as far as I know). I've only observed the torment that addicts go through. I think it's good that he feels guilty, better that then wallowing in apathy.

How long has he been in the program?

July 4, 2009
2:55 pm
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PaleBlueSky
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Thank you Hep 🙂

He has been in the program for 4 months and is starting step 5. He just told me has an evil feeling (woke up with it) and will spend time with his sponsor today try to work through it, cuz he knows if he doesn't what will happen. He went to a meeting last night, this morning and will go again this evening....

He needs to be alone right now and I will not give him a problem because I do understand when we just need to be alone sometimes.

July 4, 2009
4:18 pm
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atalose
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I strongly suggest you get yourself to a meeting, al-anon or nar-anon as soon as possible.

I am not trying to be harsh or hurtful but in your post where you say:::::

I hear where you all are coming from, but he felt so bad about drinking and knows how bad it was, he made it a point to hit a meeting tonight and needs to keep attenting meetings like he was for his first 90 days, he was really beating himself with guilt over it....

Everything after but……is bullshit!

They drink/drug because they feel bad and guilt is a driving vehicle for them to relapse. And relapse is apart of addiction not recovery.

It doesn’t matter what step he is on because he needs to go back and start all over if that is what he chooses. Addicts/alcoholics don’t get to just pick up where they left off. Addicts will always claim it’s the drugs and not the alcohol that is their problem just like many alcoholics will say it’s alcohol and not drugs that are the problem.

You need to begin to work your own program for you.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 6, 2009
11:42 am
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PaleBlueSky
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I hear everything you are saying and am taking the steps to start therapy and attend nar-anon meeting, there are not many in my area, so I just have to wait a few days.

Everything I shared was not bullshit, it was how I was feeling and it means something to me.

I know he has to start all over again as any addict does when they relapse, everything you wrote I know all to well because of my brother battle with drugs.

That was a bit harsh, but I was just sharing my feelings on that day, it was not a good day or weekend and I just made the best of it for myself.

This certainly isn't easy, as most of us know and I am not hear for the wrong reasons, just a little support and a push to follow through on what I say, which I must admit I am receiving. I know there will be times when people share things we don't want to hear, but the truth always hurts.

If it weren't for me being on this site, I probably wouldn't be looking to do anything for myself, cuz I never thought anything was wrong and mostly voided it out of my mind.

July 6, 2009
11:53 am
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atalose
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Pale,

I wasn’t referring to YOUR feelings as bullshit I was referring to him feeling bad that he drank, certainly not your feelings because I do know how frustrating and difficult it is to love an addict.

That’s great you are going to a meeting, and if nar-anon is far and few with meetings look into al-anon which may offer more meeting choices.

Sometimes the truth is too hurtful, some days we can take it and other days we can’t. I am glad you are here and that you are planning on doing what is best for YOU for YOUR own recovery. It’s so hard when we have grown up with dysfunctional thinking and behavior that seeing and hearing things outside of our “norm” is at times extremely difficult. Our logic tells us that yes in fact we do know or understand certain things but it’s address those things in healthy ways that we struggle with because we don’t yet know how to be healthy. Meetings will help you understand and allow you to start taking down that wall brick by brick.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 6, 2009
12:19 pm
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PaleBlueSky
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I gotcha atalose, I misunderstood youR post.....can't wait to start taking down that wall.

I did have an appt with a therapist for tomorrow, but she is not in my network, so I have sent an email to my insurance carrier to receive a list of therapist within my health insurance network, so I won't have to incur all costs.

I also called nar-anon to receive some materials/liturature to get an idea of what to expect from nar-anon, should be receiving that any day.

So much work just to start and get all my ducks lined up - crazy i tell ya, but I know it is for a good cause - ME 🙂

Thank you ((Atalose))

July 6, 2009
2:30 pm
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atalose
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The best cause of them all…………

((Pale))

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

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