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Stood up or was I?
May 13, 2009
10:31 pm
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It No Longer Matters
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Well I told you all last night about L wanting to go out tonight and that Monday night I had told him I would call him Tuesday with my schedule. I called Tuesday afternoon. I sent a text When? where? I got one back that he had been on line taking a course and didn't know when and where. I had ex-h lined up to keep Cat. Well at noon I called ex-h and told him my plans may change. At 4:30 I called him and told him not to worry about getting to my house in time to get Cat for me to go out.
I decided to go to a friend of mine's daughter's fourth grade play. Cat was excited to be with her friends. Afterwards we got a nice bottle of wine and bought two wine glasses and went and sat in the park and let the girls play and talked. Then went and got ice cream and are just getting home. I still haven't heard from L but then again I wasn't siting around waiting on him either.

I suppose they all lie even the ones you think are different. Yes it did hurt a little that he told me he wanted to do something with me and then blew me off. The difference this time is that I wasn't sitting home crying. I'll be damned and determined not to let another man hurt me.

Bitsy

May 13, 2009
11:42 pm
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fantas
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Bitsy, I would say yes. Good for you for not sitting around and waiting for him.

May 14, 2009
7:46 am
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Thanks fantas. I was scared to death to go out on a "date". Like I said before he really isn't an interest for me but I thought it might be like jumping in the shallow end, if you know what I mean.

This guy has been a friend only for a couple of years. Someone I really poured my heart out to. I thought he would be different since he is the one who first told me to look up narcissistic personality disorder, hoovering and such. He went through it with a wife who cheated and spent a lot of time in councelling. Even moved away from this area back to the northern part of the state so he could spend more time with his son.

I don't know what to do next. If he calls do I ignore him (like if I had been interested in more) or do I answer the phone and pretend nothing happened and go on about the friendship?

Bitsy

May 14, 2009
7:55 am
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razor
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Hi Bitsy,

Why not answer the phone and say "Hey, I thought you were going to call. Did you decide you didn't want to go?"

May 14, 2009
8:04 am
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Bitsy, glad you made plans to go out with your other friend after what happend with L.

I'd just say to L, what happened, I thought we had plans? and see what his answer is, and see if he has any remorse for not getting back to you.

May 14, 2009
8:17 am
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I received a text at 6:47 this morning that he got tied up in a business meeting, trying to get an office up down here until 9pm and after that he just forgot. Sorry.

I haven't responded yet. I thought about sending one that said no problem, when I hadn't heard from you by 4 yesterday, I cancelled the babysitter and made other plans. Which is exactly what I did.

Bitsy

May 14, 2009
8:24 am
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(((Bitsy)))

Only my take on this, and not really telling you what to do, but only how I see this.... I would suggest you call him, and ask him what happened.

You see life sometime is just too short to choose to wonder or pounder questions in our minds. Based on what you posted here about this man, you do care at least a little bit, and you want to know what happened, so I would suggest calling him and asking him. I just wouldn't wait until he calls you, I would call him, and stand up and be strong, not in a mean way or anything like that, just be you, and ask what happened.

So my suggestion is don't ingnore him or the questions you might have, he is the only one that can answer your questions since it has to do with him, and his actions or lack of actions :)... there may be a logical reason and he may even feel bad about it and not so sure how to approach you or come to you with the explaination and feeling bad about not even calling you.

There is nothing wrong with you asking him what happened, and letting him know you were somewhat disappointed in being stood up. He was a good friend to you it sounds like, so my feelings are friendships are worth not ignoring a problem that might come up. You sound like you really didn't have any expectations on your friendship becoming more then friends, so be a friend to him and give him a call just like you would one of your close girlfriends and ask what's up. and why he didn't bother calling.

No matter what his answer or explaination is, you then will have the answers to your questions, and also it will clear the air. I just don't feel it is healthy to pretend nothing happened, and that everything is alright when it obviously bothered you that he didn't bother calling. So he will respect you being honest, and you will respect you for being honest. If he doesn't seem to respect you for being honest about your feelings and or your question, then he is the one that might need to grow up some more.

Healing and Peace to you, H & P

May 14, 2009
8:25 am
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Wow, we crossed post your last post wasn't there when I first read this a few minutes ago. Sorry. LOL

May 14, 2009
9:20 am
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Since a lot of our communication is by text I sent a text saying No problem. When I didn't hear from you by 4 I cancelled Cat spending the night with her dad and we went and did something else.

From Daily Affirmations for ACOA

I AM AT PEACE WITH MY ALONENESS

There are some things I must do alone. Breathing is not a group activity. Neither is thinking. I acknowledge my need for relationships, but I don't define myself totally by the relationships that I have or by the roles I play.

I must progress in my recovery by myself. I can get the love, support, and assistance of those around me, but the work that I need to do can't be done by the "group". It must be done by me.

At last I am aware that my growth is up to me. Ultimately, I am facing the fact of human aloneness. This doesn't mean that I am lonely or isolated. It means that I am not resisting or denying my responsibility for my own life. Because I recognize my autonomy and responsibility, I am not engaed in dependent relationships that fill and all-encompassing void.

I see myself as a whole and complete person. I do not cling. I embrace peace with my "aloneness".

Bitsy

May 14, 2009
10:29 am
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(((Bitsy))))

The above post from today, is one of a strong woman... and it shows.

It really made me feel good to read the daily affirmations you posted, because it shows how strong you truly are... to acknowledge them.

Peace to you, H & P

May 14, 2009
10:39 am
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(((Bitsy))) Wow, you handled this so well. I am proud of you.

Fear of rejection is a big issue with me. When I first started dating after my divorce (a full two years after, I might add)...I balled my eyes out every time a guy didn't call when he said, or plans changed, or he didn't want to pursue a second or third date. The rejection was very hard for me.

As time went on, I realized that there were guys I just didn't want to have a second date with, either. So, it was a matter of personal preference, and why waste time on someone that you aren't interested in. It was fine for them to feel that way about me, too, because everyone isn't going to like me. And I was okay with that.

You are at peace with who you are, and you don't need to be defined by someone else "wanting" you or "needing" you. That is awesome. He had a rational explanation about why he didn't keep the date...if it becomes a pattern, I would have a hard time with it. But, he apologized, and it was a one time thing, so you can move on. The important part is how YOU dealt with it. Which was beautiful! You didn't sit around and wait, or feel rejected...you took the opportunity to do something you wanted to do.

Kudos to you! I wanna be just like you!!! Working on that....I still freak out sometimes after 18 months in my relatinship with my BF if he doesn't call or changes plans on me at the last minute. I'm working very hard at that.

Anyway, way to go!

May 17, 2009
10:08 am
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OK Here is my next issue to deal with. The week before Mother's Day my ex-husband said he needed to get Cat and take her shopping for my gift. He called the Saturday morning before and said he had hurt his foot the night before and was not able to walk. I later talked to my friend Amy and laughed and told her about Ex-H hurting himself and that he had done something similar the day before my first mothers day. I ended up taking him to the emergency room that night and that once again I had offered to take him to the doctor but he refused. So she called him and offered to pick up my gift. He gave her a 50.00 budget. She has bracelet that I have admired in the past so she decided that is what she would get for me. Well the prices had gone up, so she decided to cover the difference and all three of the little girls kicked in some of their allowance money for the bracelet which I now know came to $105. so monday I get a call from Ex_H saying I spent more on your mothers day present this year than I did when I was sleeping with you. Amy had left the bill in his mail box explaining that he only owed her the 50. Anyway, it has dragged on this week and kind of robbed me of the joy that was in the bracelet. I feel "guilty" that my friend ended up paying for most of my mothers day present and have been trying to figure out a way to discreetly compensate her. I have even though of calling ex-h and telling him to pay the damn 105 and I will give him the difference. Now why do I feel that way? Why can't I just accept the gift and go on? And why did he have to make such a big deal out of it?

Bitsy

May 17, 2009
4:57 pm
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(((Bitsy))) Well, that sucks. Your ex, BTW, had to make such a big deal about it because he's insensitive and quite frankly, cheap. But, on the other hand, it is nice that he will take your daughter to get a gift for you at all. My ex didn't ever do anything for me on mother's day, even when we were married. He would say, "You're not my mother". LOL

I think your friend is a wonderful person, who wouldn't want you to repay her, in any way. She did it because she wanted to do it, for you. Continue thanking her, as I am sure you did, and complimenting how much you love the bracelet. Then, enjoy it and know that YOU DESERVE IT!!!!

May 17, 2009
6:05 pm
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Hi Bitsy,

Just wanted to throw in my 2 cents on both situations.

Keeping the lines of communication open is probably the most important thing. From what you said about his past, he probably has quite a few trust and abandonment issues himself. Sounds like he doesn't want to get hurt either. I know you said you guys are "friends". Would you like to be more then that? He might be picking up that vibe and doesn't want a commitment or have any responsibility of any kind to any one.

As far as the bracelet thing; Part of being co-dependent (not sure if you are) for me was being uncomfortable with people or friends going out of their way for me. I don't like asking for help either.

Your friend wanted to get you that bracelet. She already told your x he only owed the 50. So he's probably feeling guilty cause he's so cheap! Anyway, accept the gift and let the x and friend deal with it. I think to do anything more would make your friend feel bad that her gift was not being accepted. Know what I mean?

May 17, 2009
8:17 pm
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Hepburn, thanks for the input on the bracelet. As far as the friend who stood me up for dinner. I was getting the vibe that it was he who wanted our friendship to be something more. I do not want it to be any more than a friendship. He took me out to dinner in September of 2007 to get my mind off of "R". I really didn't know how to act. He asked me out the other night and I accepted. I thought it would be better to go out with someone I was already friends with. I haven't heard from him since he apologized Thursday morning and I haven't made any move to contact him. I kind of feel like it was a sign from the "universe" that maybe I shouldn't even try to go out with anyone. Last night I went out with an old (female) friend. We went to a wine bar and had a couple of glasses of wine and talked and caught up with each other. All of a sudden it was 11 and she needed to get home to her husband and little boy. Today I went to the Christening of another friends granddaughter. I am the honorary third grandmother.

Right now I think I have a bad attitude about men, although I did sit between my friend and her husband and the waitress this afternoon thought I was his wife and told him how pretty I was. He informed her that I wasn't his wife and the beautiful woman next to me was his wife. (they had been bickering and I kept reminding them that the priest had admonished the parents not to fight in front of the children)

Bitsy

May 17, 2009
10:37 pm
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Hi Bitsy,

I think it's a sign from the Universe not to go out with HIM, unless it's easy to hook up and all the planets align. ha But if you feel like you'd like to take a break from "men" for a while, then that's what you should do.

I think married people should be able to take a break from each other too! ha

May 17, 2009
10:37 pm
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Hi Bitsy,

I think it's a sign from the Universe not to go out with HIM, unless it's easy to hook up and all the planets align. ha But if you feel like you'd like to take a break from "men" for a while, then that's what you should do.

I think married people should be able to take a break from each other too! ha

May 18, 2009
7:12 am
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Hi Bitsy, i thought i read from a book, that that's exactly what powerful women do. not sit around for dates who dont even bother to call up to cancel it. and immediately make other plans. the world will not wait for them to call up. am proud of you!

when you're ready to talk about that "hate" feeling you mentioned in the other thread, i hope i would be here to hear you out. ((Bitsy))

May 30, 2009
8:00 pm
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Mr. Stand me up sent a text msg Wednesday night. I was already asleep so I responded Thursday morning that I had been asleep. Just now I get a message, asking what I am doing?

Me: About to have dinner.

Him:In or out?

Me: In. 4 of my last 6 meals were out.

Him: What do you have going on later or tomorrow?

Me:Tonight nothing. Not sure about tomorrow.

Him: I am just hanging out at Jerry's would you like to come down? If not maybe we can do something tomorrow?

Me:Tomorrow sounds better.

Him: I thought so too. Would you like for me to call you in the morning?

Me: OK.

Him: Sounds good I will call you in the morning.

I had kind of made up my mind that the universe was telling me not to have anything to do with this guy in that the other time did not work out. I don't know what to think or do and am confused. I might would like to give him a chance...I don't know if that means more than platonic eventually...I just am not ready to go there... or to remember that he stood me up once and keep my distance.

I am not good at dating. I actually hate it. I never know what to say or do if I am just "out" with somebody. In that situation I just am not comfortable in my own skin.

I guess I won't decide until tomorrow but then Cat will be coming home early afternoon. So I may not be able to do anything any way.

Bitsy

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