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still waiting....
October 6, 2003
2:45 pm
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fedup1
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Hello all..

Its been a while since i last wrote. I guess some days are harder than others. today is a hard day..
My boyfriend moved out one month ago, after 8 months of ups and downs.I do love him, he says he loves me..We are now still seeing each other, not as much as i would like too, but according to him, enough for now.. he needed some space to think and take care of himself.. thats my problem.He dosen't want to spend the nights with me, not once since he moved out...He will call me every other day or so,and sometimes come over, its usually just for a couple of hours and he naps on the couch..i am so confused right now- does he want to continue, or not..he says he does,..i know i do, but the seperation anxiety is killing me.. whenever he leaves i don't hink i will ever see him again, i guess it just stems from the way he treated me when we were living together..That was one of our big issues. he has a drug problem that he is working on, and he is in counseling.he would have days before that he would not come home, i always knew eventually he would because his clothes were here.. now, when he leaves there is nothing left behind.i don't know from one day to the next if i will see or hear from him again.. i can't stand this,,..!!!!!Right now i am waiting for 4 pm to pick him up at the counseler.I have this strong feeling that he will not be there.. why am i feeling this..i don't know, i do love him but trust has always been a big thing,..he has a tendency to say one thing and do another--soooo, why do i still want to be with him.. i don't get it.
i keep telling myself.. it doesn't matter... it doesn't mater... Just take care of yourself, make yourself happy, and when he's ready,if its meant to be, he will want to be with me again., more than part time.... well its all most time to go pick him up, i pray he is there.. i don't know what i will do if he's not...that will mean another lie, i don't think i can take much more...
thanks for listening...if anybody has any feedback- it sure would help me cope...
Drew

October 6, 2003
3:18 pm
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Ladeska
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Another lie........? Hm,m,m....lies, confusion, never knowing where you stand, you're there waiting, waiting like a chihuahua at the door for him........hm,m,m...must feel good to be him, huh?

He seems to have you right where he wants you. And you are sitting here expecting more, wanting more and the only thing I have to ask you is - why is that? I mean - it's not like you have proof that - this is possible. The proof in the pudding here is - "more" isn't coming your way anytime soon.

So you put your life on hold, you worry from one minute to the next - what is he going to do, how will I lap up his crumbs when he does grace me with his presence and why oh why oh WHY doesn't he give me more of himself? Well......maybe there isn't more to give?

Maybe what you see - is what you get?

And maybe you need to answer a very hard question here. Are you willing to go through another few years of "squinting" looking at him trying, trying, trying to see him as something else - when all the while - he is what he IS here? I'm sure he'd like it just fine if you doing that - means that you're "there" for him anytime he needs you. I mean, he's not really going to say NO to that, right? Most guys wouldn't!

Does the fact that he isn't what you want in REAL terms - a bad reflection on "who you are"? It would appear that way from what I just read.

If he doesn't want you - then you must be crap, right? Really? Now don't you think you might want to raise the bar on your own self worth here just a tad?

Soooooo.......all of a sudden, like a bunny rabbit out of a magician's hat, he's just going to appear at you door and be the man you've always wanted......when in Reality.......he is something completely different to you. I think you just said something like.....

"i pray he is there.. i don't know what i will do if he's not...that will mean another lie, i don't think i can take much more..."

And why exactly do you think that you need to take much more or anymore? I mean don't you have your own line in the sand here where you see what you see and that's enough information already - in order to make a very good sound judgement? Or is HE the only one that has the right to do this in your relationship? So you see how you've given all your power away here? Everything is about him, for him and as he says. But you keep giving him that power over and over again. Keep forgiving him, keep squinting to make the giraffe an elephant and he just goes - Hey, I got it good here, if she wants to let me con her, and will love me and keep forgiving me and giving me one more chance, then God, I'd be Stupid not to just use her, soak it all in and let her do whatever here. Yea, honey, sure I love you, you know I do!

Not trying to rain on your parade here but you need to take a good look at what IS and not what's "possible" if the right magic potion is mixed and put in his coffee....

You said above that "you can't stand this".......and so - why would you stand it?

October 6, 2003
3:29 pm
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Anonymous
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Why do SO MANY people not know their rights ?? Where does this lack of knowledge come from ?? Why do so many people give up their power to someone else? Where did they learn it?? Why are so many people more desperate for the illusion of a partner than self-dignity? Where did we learn that a partner is more important than happiness?? Where did we learn that if we endure today, the same person may be what we want them to be tomorrow ????????????? Not all of us saw 'Beauty and the Beast' and made it our bible !

October 6, 2003
4:39 pm
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Ladeska
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Well for one thing....I know in our culture, Mafi - we were taught it from the cradle up. In our fairy tales, in the movies and in our churches and just society in general.

I gag now at the movies who do the theme of.......well, he's just a bit rough around the edges, a murderer, a liar, a con man and an asshole.....but, he has a sweet side....that only "I" can bring out... Look at all the mob movies for that one. The killer "with a heart".

Where did our minds part with reason here, folks?? If all you do is just look at commercials, ads in magazines, billboards and the movies and shows on T.V. - they push this one BIG time. Gotta love the bad boy because it's the "in" think to do.

How many times do we see this same story played out over and over again that says - the guy can go out and do heinous things and yet.....we are to believe he has this "other side" where he is true blue to his girl and good to his own kids and just this wonderful other person!!

It sets us right up for failure if we go into that thinking, but when you're raised on it, when it's all around you and accepted - it's called "conditioning" and you just roll with the flow....end up later "here" going What the HELL happened? But it's actually two plus two. We were definitely programmed to - go there.

A woman's undying love for her psycho man will not change the leopard spots to stripes. It will probably kill her trying, but that dog just don't hunt.

But we have bought, lock, stock and barrel - this kind of thinking without at some point - examining what we were taught and asking....where did this really come from in me? Look around you, look at what you read, the movies you've watched, the things you aspire to with the magazines, etc., etc. If only.....I could be "good" enough for this bad boy to want me or love me or stay with me or leave that other girl.... If only I could take enough crap from him, or look prettier, or get bigger boobs, or dress better, or have better sex or show him how long I can wait for him, or, or, or, OR what??

And we wonder why........so many homes are broken, why so many children are screwed up because their mothers are trying to find themselves....or their deadbeat partners? I don't wonder.

October 6, 2003
11:43 pm
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unhappy camper
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Well, how about this question? If this is a well known problem (co-dependency) why isn't there a better cure? Why do we rely on rubbing people's noses in the truth and saying there...see...your life stinks? Why isn't there a treatment course prescribed better than that?

Basically, we have to be jolted to see how rotten we are being treated and then expected to more on as if nothing mattered at all. Why can't they explain to us with precise lingo and reasons why we did it to begin with, why we find it hard to stop, and why we can't just see 'oops...my bad' and get on without them? Why isn't it easy and straight forward? Why can't it be taught to us better? Why do we keep on keeping on struggling to understand???

October 7, 2003
5:11 am
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nattie
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Hope you don't mind a raw point of few but........It sounds to me like he's a load of CRAP!! and feeds you this bullshit about needing his space all the while he is still smoozing up to you when HE wants to.

I understand that you Love him, but sometimes we are blinded by Love SO MUCH, that the clear picture is right in front of us! You Deserve BETTER!
I Should probably take my own advice I'm giving to you, but I'm in Love with the Sucker. We however, currently live togther, so if he were ever to decide to move out or kick me out, I would have NO problem Moving ON!

xo

October 7, 2003
7:12 pm
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fedup1
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Well, i have no choice but to move on now..Yesterday did not work out like i planned.. Just as i thought, he did not go to his counselor, and i waited outside for 15 minutes and went to the apt where he is staying.. bad decision.. long story short- he hit me...end of story...He has been calling me all day-- what do i do.!!!!???? Why do i want to talk to him, my frinds are telling me not to, the hitting should be the wakeup call i have been waiting for.... help...

October 7, 2003
11:47 pm
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Ladeska
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You gotta help yourself here. That's the bottomline. I mean if you willingly walk out in front of a transfer truck - then you're going to end up - road kill.

I'm very sorry you feel compelled to keep doing this. I pray that your own brick wall that you need to hit doing 100 mph so that you will "wake up" comes sooner than later while you still have time to really live - your own life here.

There's an old saying...you cannot help someone who will not help themselves.

October 10, 2003
5:40 am
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Zinnie
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Honey... he hit you? GET OUT NOW, and file a police report and restraining order against the SOB. There is NEVER NEVER NEVER any reason for a man to hit a woman, and vice versa. NO, NO, NO!

Also, and I hate to say this, but it sounds like what happened in a similar way to my friend a few years ago. Well, she finally found out it was because he had someone on the side. Now that might not be the case at all.... but if it is? Another reason to get out.

But really, if he hit you. Move, call the police and file a report, and get a restaining order.

Please keep us all posted on what is going on and how you are doing.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Love,
Zinnie

October 12, 2003
1:10 pm
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fedup1
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thanks zinnie

I know what i am doing is so very wrong for me..Its just so hard not to see him.
He has appologized for the episode last week.Since then we have talked a lot. he calls or stops in almost every day.And yes, we are still having sex..Although i must admit, it seems a little empty now...
He says he still loves me, but thinks we still need to have seperate apts..I am so confused ..It seems like all those feelings rushing in again.. the only difference is when i need to talk he is not around.. I miss him constantly. He does not want to spend the nights with me.Is that a red flag? i don't know...i feel like i am being used for something, i just don't know what..He has asked me for money he still has no job.I can't say no to him..
Maybe i am just so mad at him for making the right decision to move out..i'm confused.. do i want to keep seeing him on a part time basis, or stop seeing him all together. i am so in love with him still- its actually embarrasing...And by the way, i do think he is seeing another girl, thats why i am not allowed at his new apt.. i just know it....
Somehow just sitting here these few moments jotting down my thoughts seem to help me sort thru everything.. NOW, if i could just listen to myself.. HE WILL NOT CHANGE.....IT DOESN"T MATTER. IT DOESN'T MATTER.....OH i feel a tear approaching-- its time to go regroup... thanks for listening..
Drew

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